Written for Cotton Candy Bingo on Dreamwith, Prompt: stuck together (literally); Rating: PG - for a little swearing and some innuendo
"If we ever get out of this I'm going to kill you," Ianto said trying to twist in the sticky cocoon that trapped him.
"Oi, save it! This is not exactly what I would consider a fun evening either," Owen retorted as he struggled within his wrappings as well.
"We need to think of a plan," Ianto replied as he tried again to move a little.
"Ow! If you don't stop that, you'll be the one who's dead. Every time you move you're pulling the bindings around me tighter. And may I remind you we are a long way up in the air."
Ianto huffed. Owen had a point. Even if they managed to get free, the drop to the hard floor would probably kill them.
Ianto and Owen had been involved in their share of routine retrievals gone wrong, but this was one for the record book.
A giant spider sighting near Splott was reported on Tuesday, which the team ignored. Splott and hallucinations about giant killer animals, for some inexplicable reason, seemed to go hand-in hand.
Tosh laughed at the report, reminding them of the fuzzy talking bears report from several months back. "We spent three days looking for dangerous bears and what did we find?"
"Three men dressed in bear costumes, drunk off their arses," Gwen answered laughing. "Yeah, promoting the new Three Bears Coffee House, but seems they got pissed. Scared three old ladies half to death."
"Total waste of time," Ianto agreed.
Two days later another report of giant spiders came in and the following day brought two additional sightings. Tosh noticed small energy fluctuations at the time of these last two incidents and duly reported this to Jack.
"Okay team, it's probably nothing, but I think we need to check out these giant spider reports," Jack told them.
Ianto and Owen rolled their eyes. "Looks like we've got two volunteers," Jack said pointing at them.
"You've got to be kidding," Owen said in disgust.
"Dead serious," Jack said smiling. "That's what you get for eye-rolling."
After some bickering, Owen agreed to join Ianto on the spider hunt. "Don't know why Gwen couldn't go," Owen mumbled as they grabbed equipment to load into the SUV.
"She's terrified of spiders," Tosh reminded them.
"Well, that makes all the difference," Ianto snarked as he rolled his eyes.
Tosh guided them to an abandoned industrial park on the edge of Splott proper. Once there they inspected the grounds and saw nothing unusual.
"Is there something to the right of you?" Tosh asked. "I seem to be getting a slight energy signal from that direction."
"There's an old abandoned factory building," Ianto answered through his com. "Broken windows, rusted structure, the usual."
Owen and Ianto headed over to the building when Tosh broke the silence of the com. "Three small blips, right in front of you, they just appeared on the energy detector."
"Okay, we're going in."
The men carefully entered the building. The first level was bare except for debris that had blown through the windows. The second level was empty as well but for some used needles and other drug paraphernalia in one corner of the floor.
Owen examined the material carefully. "Looks like someone was using this as their shooting gallery," he said carefully avoiding the syringes. "Maybe smoking a bit of crack as well", he said examining a small pipe.
"So not alien in origin."
"Not unless aliens like…uh spiders."
"What?" Ianto replied confused by Owen's statement. "Why would aliens like spiders?"
"Spiders, big hairy, scary spiders," Owen stammered.
"Do aliens only like big hairy spiders? Owen, are you sure you didn't smoke something yourself today."
"RUN!" Owen shouted, but it was too late.
Two big hairy scary spiders had crept up behind Ianto and spit at him. They hit him on the back and began to extrude long tough fibers. They hopped around Ianto winding the fibers into a tight bundle. Owen didn't fare any better. The last thing he remembered was being hit in the chest with spider spit and feeling himself being wrapped up tight. As the spiders circled him he felt the air being squeezed out of his lungs; he was light-headed and then he blacked out.
When he came to, he and Ianto were wrapped up together and suspended almost twenty feet in the air.
"I knew today was going to suck," Owen grumbled. 'Stop wiggling around, I'm being choked," he yelled at Ianto.
"So what do you propose we do, just dangle here until the spiders come back for dinner?" Ianto shouted back.
Owen looked around. It was hopeless. There was nothing they could use to get themselves free, any tools they had were tucked into their pockets which were impossible to reach.
"If I could just get one hand free," Ianto said in frustration, "I could get us down. But we have nothing sharp to work with." Ianto looked at Owen's hands secured to his sides. He tried to twist toward him. "You can't reach my pocket, can you Owen."
"Are you bonkers? I can't reach anywhere for anything, Tea boy. Why don't you use your rapier wit to cut us free," Owen answered in disgust. "Maybe we could pull a MacGyver and extract a tooth of yours, and then we could sharpen it and use it like a saw."
Ianto looked up at Owen and smiled. "You're a genius."
"Well, yeah, but why tell me that now?"
"If you stretch toward me and I twist toward you, you might be able to tear some of this wrap with your teeth. It doesn't look very thick; maybe if you get a start we can unravel the whole cocoon."
"This stuff is strong enough to keep us immobilized and suspend us in the air and you think I can just bite through it?"
"You got a better idea?" Ianto asked.
"No, but if I break my teeth, you're paying to fix them."
Ianto smiled. "If we survive, I promise that you'll have any work done by the Queen's own orthodontist."
"Considering Charles' teeth, I'm not much comforted by that."
After some maneuvering, Owen was just able to reach Ianto's shoulder with his teeth. He grabbed at the wrapping and pulled a small piece loose. As he tried to work more free, he realized something strange was happening.
"It's melting, sort of. My saliva is ungluing it. It tastes sort of sweet. I hope it isn't poisonous."
Ianto leaned over and grabbed a bit on his other shoulder with his teeth.
"You're right, it is sweet. And familiar." He grabbed another bit and chewed it vigorously. "It's floss!"
"Dental floss. That makes sense; it's so strong for its thickness."
"Not dental floss, candy floss!"
"No way," Owen retorted. He took another mouthful and felt it dissolve. "Oh for fuck's sake, it is candy floss."
"Now all we have to do is eat our way out of these cocoons."
"Briiliant, and then plummet twenty or so feet to our deaths."
Ianto stretched his neck to look how they were suspended. "If you can clear one of my arms for me, I can probably get some momentum going and swing myself up to the main thread running between the two pillars."
Owen thought Ianto was daft, but it was their only chance of getting free.
He began to tear at the wrappings around Ianto's left side. After an hour Ianto's hand was almost free, and Owen was sure he was having the sugar high of his life. "Hold still while I take the rest of this off." He pulled on a loose setoff strands as hard as he could and pulled a huge slab off of Ianto's wrist.
"Good work, Owen, I think I might be able to pull myself up to the top lead."
"Mumfmf, Iannfmf, bmnnef," Owen replied as his face was plastered in candy floss.
"Keeping eating, Owen, keep eating," Ianto cried.
He reached into his pocket with his free hand and pulled out a pocket knife. He pulled the blade open with his teeth, licked it and began to cut his left leg free.
"Whamta, yoeumm, domnnfg?"
"Once my leg is free I'm going to kick off of you to get swinging. With enough momentum I'll be able to reach the top."
"Ammrg wyou fucmmgning gnutgs?"
Ianto cut the last piece away from his left side. "Here goes, Owen." Ianto propelled himself against Owen and pushed off of him as hard as he could.
"M'ow."
Ianto came toward him again at a faster speed and pushed off harder.
"MOW."
Ianto needed just a little more height to reach the top. He hurtled in an arc toward Owen.
"One more time Owen."
"YOWWWWW, you bastard," Owen cried as Ianto slammed into him hard and pushed off again.
Ianto arched up toward the top thread and grabbed it with his free hand. With a strength born of desperation he managed to pull himself up and over until he was straddling the line. Looking down at Owen, Ianto saw there was a problem. The last push off Owen had sent him spinning wildly.
"EEEEEEEE!" Owen cried as he spun and spun.
"Just hang on I'll pull you up." Ianto quickly cut the rest of the floss off his other hand and slid over to pull the still spinning Owen up.
Ianto pulled Owen up until he also sat atop line. Owen's head hung limply.
"Come on Owen, are you all right?"
"Not really." Owen answered weakly, his head still hanging down.
"Look at me Owen." Owen shook his head 'no.'
Ianto realized that something was seriously wrong with Owen. He grabbed him by the hair, crying, "Dammit Owen look at me."
Owen's eyes begged forgiveness as he vomited pink candy floss goo all over Ianto. "Sorry."
Ianto inched over toward him and began to cut him free. "Hang on to that main line so you don't fall," Ianto admonished as Owen tried to use his freed hand to remove more of the floss.
Ianto was almost finished cutting Owen loose from the floss when they heard a noise below them. Three hairy scary spiders were bouncing below them shooting lines of floss at them.
"Quick Owen, reach in my trouser pocket and grab out my pack of cigarettes and matches. Hold onto me with one hand and use the other to retrieve them."
"This is no time for a smoke, Ianto."
"Shut it Owen and just do it."
Owen tried to get into Ianto's pocket but it was still covered in floss. His hands couldn't tear it away so he once again resorted to using his teeth. The pocket was tight but finally Owen extracted a crushed pack of Mayfairs.
"Aha!" Owen cried triumphantly. Unfortunately, opening his mouth to speak allowed the cigarettes to slip away and plummet to the ground.
"Nice work," Ianto said as they watched the spiders gather round the pack in curiosity.
"It would be daft to think that the cigarettes might keep them distracted, wouldn't it?" Owen replied glumly.
"Wouldn't count on it. Get back over here and get the matches out. This still could work."
This time Owen was able to get into Ianto's pocket and extract the matches. Ianto grabbed them from between Owen's teeth.
"Owen wrap your hands in the floss line and hold on tight."
"What are you doing," Owen asked as he watched Ianto light one match and then use it to light the whole book of matches.
"Hang on Owen; we're going for a ride."
"Oh no, you're kidding, this is just like that Indiana Jones movie. Are you daft? We'll be killed."
Ianto whistled to get the spiders' attention. Owen quickly wound the main floss line around his hands.
"Come on you big hairy bastards, come and get us," Ianto taunted.
The spiders looked up at Ianto and simultaneously shot strands of floss toward him. As the lines converged on Ianto, he swung the book of matches below him and set the floss on fire. The men watched in fascination as the fire raced down the strands back to the spiders. One by one the spiders lit up in flames. Unable to escape they ran helplessly in circles shooting floss everywhere.
At the same time the line between Ianto and Owen got singed and began to sag. "Geronimo," Ianto cried as the line broke and they swung in opposite directions. They arced over the burning spiders, finally coming to a halt on either side just as the fires were going out. They were less than four feet in the air.
Ianto quickly cut his hand free and fell to the floor. Owen dangled helplessly as Ianto examined the remains of the spiders.
"Oi, still hanging here," Owen reminded him.
Ianto jogged over to where Owen was suspended and cut him down. As he rubbed some circulations back into his hands, Owen looked over at the pile of incinerated spiders. "Smells like burnt sugar, yeah?"
"It does. They are actually pretty fragile creatures compared to the strength of their floss."
"Lucky you had those cigarettes," Owen said retrieving the crushed pack.
'No luck to it. I had a feeling that these might be related to a species I read about in the archives. Nothing could stop them except fire, so I reckoned that a source of fire and some slow burning fuel might come in handy."
In the distance they could hear the unmistakable sound of Torchwood's second SUV's siren coming closer.
"Sounds like the rescue is a bit late," Owen snarked.
Ianto reached into his other front pocket and retrieved another book of matches. He picked up the Mayfairs, shook out two cigarettes, lit them and handed one to Owen.
Owen looked at him oddly and then smiled. "So," he said dragging deeply, "you were getting kind of turned on when I was, uh, going through your pocket."
"You noticed, did you," Ianto replied.
Owen never replied, instead grabbing Ianto into a deep kiss. Owen let the kiss linger for just a moment before stepping back.
"Oi, what's that about?" Ianto asked.
"Don't know, but I'm finding you unbelievably attractive just now."
Ianto smiled, took another drag on his cigarette and lazily exhaled a steam of smoke.
They heard the sound of the SUV stopping, doors slamming and Jack's voice calling their names.
Owen sighed. "Of course, now the cavalry's here."
"A shame, I was so enjoying seeing your romantic side," Ianto said dropping his cigarette and stamping it out.
They moved apart as Jack and Gwen entered the warehouse and clamored up the stairs.
"We're here, don't worry," Jack cried as he entered the room dressed in a hazmat suit and armed with a flame thrower.
Ianto and Owen burst out laughing.
"Too late, fire's out," Ianto said as he walked up to Jack.
Gwen and Jack stared at the scorched spiders.
"Don't ask," Owen said. "We're alive, the spiders are dead, and I need a stiff drink." He walked past Jack up to Gwen. "Yeah, how about you joining me for the ride home in the SUV. We'll let Jack and Ianto take the other one when they are ready."
Gwen had a curious look on her face as she followed Owen out of the building.
"Everything OK?" Jack asked Ianto, as he noticed the two stomped on cigarettes on the cement floor.
"Yeah, that was quite an adventure. Good thing I remembered about the Spindel being susceptible to fire."
"Did you remember that their floss also acts like a mild aphrodisiac when consumed?"
"I did, but Owen had no idea," Ianto said smiling. "Bet he and Gwen don't put in an appearance back at the Hub for some time."
"And you?"
"Sober as a judge, unfortunately."
Jack smiled and walked over to where the main line of floss dangled from a pillar. Grabbing some he began to feed it to Ianto.
"Are you sure this is such a good idea?"
"I've got some better ones coming up shortly," Jack snarked. "Seems like you do as well," he said as he palmed Ianto's erection.
Ianto moaned as Jack kissed him, pushing against his hand. "Let me help you with that," Jack said unzipping Ianto's trousers.
Ianto closed his eyes as he felt Jack easing his trousers and pants down.
"You know what they say about Spindel candy floss?" Jack teased.
"Guuhhh, no idea."
"A passionate kiss is like a spider's web; it always leads to the undoing of the fly," he said before kissing Ianto again.