Author's Notes: Believe it or not, I really do like Pikachu, but as with all things you like you sometimes have to poke a little fun. For those readers who have a problem with parodies of their favorite yellow electric rodent, I suggest skipping this fic. If you do read it and your little sensitivities get hurt, I don't want to hear you whine.
Roadkill Pikachu
By Allykat
One sunny afternoon, Ash, Brock and Misty were hiking along side a busy highway. Pikachu ran ahead of them, chasing butterflies and frisking in the tall grass. Ash was silent and trudged behind Misty and Brock. He was tired of shouting over the noise of the highway and tired of the smell of exhaust fumes. He waved away the fumes from a dump truck that roared by belching black smoke from its stack.
"Where are we going, Brock?" Misty shouted. "And how are we going to get across?"
"According to my map, there should be a pedestrian bridge up ahead!" Brock shouted back, held up the map and pointed to it. "We can take that to the other side. I wouldn't want to cross in this traffic."
Ash just wished they'd get to the next city soon. He wanted another badge. He looked up and watched Pikachu for a moment. "Careful Pikachu," he shouted. "Don't get too close to the cars."
"Pika Pika!" Pikachu replied and continued chasing butterflies.
"There! I see it," Brock shouted and pointed up ahead.
Ash looked up in the distance he could see the concrete rise of a pedestrian bridge. The sight of it gave him a new surge of energy. "Pikachu!" he called. He would feel better if Pikachu rode on his hat for a bit. Ash looked around then turned toward the highway. Pikachu chased a butterfly into the busy highway.
HONK HONK! went the double trailer semi-truck.
"Pika pika?" Pikachu's eyes bulged. "PIKA!"
SPLAT!
"Pikachu!" Ash screamed and ran into the highway.
HONK HONK! A sewage containment truck from Gringy City tried to swerve.
SPLAT!
"Oh No! Ash!" Misty screamed and darted across the busy lanes.
HONKKKK HOOOOONNNKKKK! sounded a semi-truck's horn, followed by the high pitched squeal of air brakes.
"Misty!" Brock shouted.
SPLAT!
Brook stood on the edge of the highway, surveyed the pile up and scratched his head. Then, two people, a man and a woman, jumped out of one of the cars.
"To save the world from devastation!"
"To unite all worlds within our nation!"
"To denounce the evils of truth and love."
"To extend our reach to the stars above."
Jessie!
James!
"Hey! Can I cut in," said Meowth. "Ah!" he screeched, picked up his paw and looked at the bloody gore on it. "It's Pikachu."
"Do you think the boss would take Pikachu now?" Jessie asked and grimaced while Meowth shook his paw and then ran over to the side of the road to wipe it in the grass.
"At least he's easy to catch," replied James. He leaned into the car pulled out a plastic bag and a spatula and preceded to scrap the squashed Pikachu off the asphalt and put it into the bag.
"I always knew we would win," Jessie announced and tossed her red hair. "Don't forget its tail on the bumper there." She looked up as a man with a big "S" on his shirt pushed by Brock and stared at the squashed Pikachu.
"Where are you taking that dead Pikachu?" he asked.
"And who are you?" Jessie asked.
"I'm the man from S*P*L*A*T, the Society for Prevention of Little Animal Tragedies and the roadkill Pikachu must come with me."
"He's our roadkill," James said and held the bag containing the road killed Pikachu against his body. "You can't have him."
"Who was the owner of this Pikachu?" the man from S*P*L*A*T asked.
"Him!" Brock, Jessie, James and Meowth all shouted together and pointed to Ash smushed under the tire of the sewage containment truck.
"Well, I'm just going to have to write this dead young man a ticket," the man from S*P*L*A*T said and knelt down next to Ash.
"But he's dead!" cried Brock, then quickly quieted and tapped a finger to his chin while he thought. Well, at least now it would just be he and his Vulpix and he wouldn't have to listen to Ash's boasting and Misty's whining. Maybe he could even chase some girls now. He eyed Jessie.
"Death is no escape from the law!" The man from S*P*L*A*T stated and pulled a citation pad from his pocket and began writing Ash a ticket.
Brock shrugged and sidled up to Jessie and drooled. "You're pretty cute."
Jessie stuck out her tongue and sidled away.
"Pikachu is ours at last," cried James and hugged the dead Pikachu tighter.
"Watch out James, you're leaking entrails on your Team Rocket shirt." Jessie planted a hand in the middle of Brock's forehead and shoved him away. Brock sprawled into the next lane.
BEEEEPPPPP! went a pink sports car driven by Mew. The license plate read FUMEW2.
SPLAT.
Jessie and James watched Brock disappear on the hood of the sportscar off down the highwayt, then stared at each other for a moment and giggled. The man from S*P*L*A*T finished his ticket and tucked in into Ash's pocket.
"I expect to see this fine paid or we'll see you in court," he said and walked away.
HONKKKK!
SPLAT!
"Lucky for Ash the S*P*L*A*T man lives up to his name," James said. He and Jessie raised their hands to the sky.
"Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light!" they cried together.
James picked up Ash's hat and put it on his head and twisted it around backwards. A triumphant Team Rocket climbed back into their car, backed over Misty and drove off into the sunset.