THESE BOOKS ARE
By TzatzikiBakonz (Because there aren't enough k's and z's in the world.)
A/N: Instead of sitting on a sweaty couch watching All My Children, we decided to do something worthwhile this summer. Unfortunately, this was not among those worthwhile things. And as if the HP fandom didn't have enough bad pairings, we are contributing to the SHIT that you will wade through to find a decent Harry/Hermione fic. YOU ARE DELUSIONAL. HARRY AND HERMIONE WOULD NEVER GET TOGETHER. Harry/Wormtail however. . .
Disclaimer: If we owned Harry Potter, we wouldn't be writing this filth. We'd be rolling in our money rooms and bathing in quarters. And wombats. PINK wombats. We would be able to do all of these wonderful things BECAUSE we'd be rich and be J.K.K. Tolkein. JK. . . K.
P.S.- When you read our bio, you will be able to instantaneously tell who wrote what.
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Chapter One: The Quiv'ring Quill
Once upon a time there was a red-headed step child that no one liked, and his name was Percy Weasley. He used to have friends until he started his ego trip where he bossed younger kids (and the people he loves) around and acted like he was all that. Everyone (understandably) began to hate him, which pushed him closer to the only woman who didn't.
And that was Professor Dolores Umbridge, Hogwarts fuhrer.
Technically, she wasn't his professor - they had met at their mutual place of employment, the Minstry of Awesome. Percy was Dolores's secretary, taking calls and solving problems for her.
One day, a particularly hot and steamy day in July, and Britain, being that they can't tax their land and can't afford air conditioner, Percy proceeded to take off all of his clothes. Dolores came in looking for the papers "Luscious" Malfoy gave her as an initiation for joining the Death Eaters.
Her eyes bugged out of her skull at the sight of Percy's "quivering quill". In a very nonchalant manner, she asked, "WHAT THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"
To this he answered, "Seriously, we need to get a fuckin' fan up in herrrre. I'm ass naked sitting in your chair because it's so damn hot!"
Dolores flipped her hair and smiled.
"No, Percy, remain newd. I have no issues with it." Her mouth curled into an evil grin. "Just bring me those papers from Loucius Malfoy."
"Alright. Here they are." Percy held the papers out at arms length. "They are in my hand. Over here. Come and get them." He waved them up and down, causing his fleshy upper arms to wobble in the muggy, thick air of the office.
"No," Dolores said quietly. "YOU bring them to ME."
"...Are you sure you want that? Because I will bring it." Percy snapped his fingers in front of his face and wagged his head from side to side.
"Absolutely."
Percy stood up. Ben Franklin could see his little wanger from the window he was spying through, like a good little Freemason. Dolores's face flushed and her knees trembled a bit. This young, rather gangly looking boy was quite appealing after a long day of being a BITCH. His knobby knees, his boney chest was so ravishing to her, considering she hadn't gotten it on in six hundred years.
With a long sigh, Percy stood waiting for Dolores to come at him like a humpback whale in heat. She did not, however. She stood in wonderment as she looked at his little "Percy." A dog barked from somewhere outside. The room had gone silent and was quickly filling with steamy anticipation.
"On second thought, Percy, why don't you come into my office? I have something else I'd prefer for you to do."
"Uh, okay. Sure." Dolores went back into the office and beckoned him. Percy followed, and was greeted by the sight of fuzzy pink shackles on the wall and a similarly colored blindfold lying neatly on the desk; the chair in front of the desk was equipped with restraints. The room in all looked very formidable and unpleasant, but Percy was nonplussed. He had seen far worse things in the prefects bathroom.
Dolores approached the chair and placed her hands primly on the back. "I would like you to sit here, Percy."
"M'kay!" Percy said agreeably. He sat in the chair and instantly the restraints wound tightly over his bulging, muscular ankles and his left wrist.
"Um, this is..." Percy began, but Dolores the Mighty Huntress (only known as this to her Death Eater palz) interrupted.
"I need you to write some things down for me." She set a piece of parchment in front of him, and a quill with a knife-sharp tip. "Write your deepest, darkest fantastey...about me." Her mouth once again curled into a wicked smirk. "And then I want you to end it with 400 lines of 'I am a very bad boy.'"
Percy shrugged. "Alright." And he set to work.
Once he put the quill to paper and drew a line to form a curly W, he felt a sharp pain fly through his arm like a bolt on Harry Potter's forehead. He winced in pain and looked up at Umbridge with the strangest expression of betrayal. His lip quivered along with some other things I'm not going to blatantly mention. Dolores was already getting the tingles.
"Go ahead," Dolores said with fervor. Percy nodded and continued writing.
"We decide to go fishing in the Forbidden Forest of Love. There is where we realize our feelings for eachother and I embrace you in the darkness. We tenderly kiss as I run my fingers through your hair."
At this point, Dolores snatched the quill from Percy's hand. She drew in an arrow in between "your" and "hair" and wrote, in the biggest letters possible, "PUBIC."
"And then I give you a great big hug. You smile at me gently and pick me up and throw me over your shoulder. You walk quickly back to Hogwarts to eat dinner with me at the prefect's table. Then, in front of the entire school, you kiss me onthe forehead."
Dolores grunted and violently grabbed the quill again. She crossed off many various numerous extensive plentiful words that changed the ENTIRE meaning of Percy's naive narrative.
And it read a little something like this:
"And then I give you a great big fuck. IN TEH ASS. You smile at me devilishly and pick me up and throw me over the ROOM. You walk quickly back to Hogwarts and eat me. Then, in front of everyone I know and DUMBLEDORE, you make out with me in my ear."
Percy. Just. Stared.
"That is filthy and impure," Percy said to Dolores. "I would never do any of those things! I am good and wholesome, and I would never make out with you. Especially in front of Dumbledore. Or in the ear. SO BACK OFF."
Dolores's heart broke a little more. "Each day we approach our demise, closer to it than we were the day before. Don't you want to live a little, before you DIE and are EATEN BY MAGGOTS?"
"No."
Dolores slouched, showing her true osteoporosis. Believe it or not. Her frailness revealed her true age, and Percy immediately felt bad for rejecting her. Because the authors grow tiresome of this character development, Percy sees Umbridge for her trueness and IMMEDIATELY falls DESPERATELY in love.
"Screw it! I have no inhibitions! Take me while I'm in your kinky chair!"
And so Percy was laden with old woman.