Now is the Winter of our Discontent

It had been three weeks since Garrus left Shepard standing on the Docking Bay. He had mostly settled back into the routine life of a C-Sec officer, and was only a few more weeks away from starting Spectre training. He had always planned on reapplying at some point, but after the Battle of the Citadel he was offered a position in the next round of training. He could never have imagined his life would change as much as it did in those last several months. It was weird how quickly it could happen.

He remembered the man he was before Shepard. The reputation he had amongst the other officers, and even the criminals of the Citadel… But he wasn't that same young hothead from before. Garrus had grown into an exceptional combatant, and a skilled technician. He had always been gifted with a gun, but all of his missions alongside Shepard had taught him more than his days at C-Sec, or his father ever had. Not just about the battle, but about himself. He was going to make a difference, and he wouldn't compromise himself this time. He would do it right.

As much as Garrus wanted to pursue life as a Spectre, he found himself feeling emptier with each passing day. Since he left Shepard up there, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was very, very wrong. That that would be the last time he would see her. The two of them hadn't exactly left things settled… There was still a lot of confusion about what exactly they were. What even were they? He knew that what they had went far beyond anything physical. They may have had an undeniable attraction to each other, but before any of that there was friendship. Trust. Understanding. Whether he was to stay a friend or grow into something else, he didn't know. He didn't even really care, just as long as she would be around. If he could be at her 6 for the rest of his days, he would be happy… But he needed to see this through. He had an offer he couldn't refuse and if anything were to happen between them- well, they could deal with it then.

He sat at his desk in the lower levels of C-Sec responding to all the messages he had accumulated over the last few months. He didn't bother checking his messages sent through C-Sec channels, because technically he wasn't really working for the Citadel at that time. Garrus had always has been really bad about checking his mail. Anyone that he wanted to have contact with knew how to get ahold of him. Shepard was one of those people. They hadn't seen each other since her departure, but they would send messages via omni-tool at least once a day. Life was busy at C-Sec after the attack, and Shepard had been off dealing with the remaining geth forces. No matter how busy though, they always made time to correspond; even if it were but a few words.

The repetitiveness that became Garrus' life didn't satisfy him. He may have been happy to know he was alongside Shepard during that final battle, knowing he made a difference. But that didn't make returning to the boring life of an officer any better. In fact, it probably made things worse. He had even become sorta famous around the office, and his father even called to tell him congratulations… Even with all the praise and admiration, he still felt like something was missing. He didn't have to think long to figure out what it was.

It was Shepard. It was the Normandy. It was everyone. He had gotten so used to life on a ship, life on that ship. Now life off of it just didn't cut it anymore. He had made up his mind. The next time Shepard came to the Citadel he would join her. His place wasn't here, it was there- it was with her.

The days passed and a couple more weeks followed. Garrus woke one day with a heavy feeling deep in his chest… Something was wrong. Not the usual discomfort of feeling like he was in the wrong place. No, this was something heavier. After a quick glance to his omni-tool, he saw no new messages. If something was wrong, he would know… He tried to shake the feeling but was only met with more unease.

When he arrived to C-Sec that day everything started off normally; he had a few meetings, several boring messages to reply to, the usual banter with his coworkers. But, no matter how much he distracted himself that feeling just wouldn't go away… It hovered in the pit of his stomach, not allowing him any peace.

As if on queue his omni-tool lit up and the sound of a new message pinged from his wrist. He looked at the orange hue, but was scared to open it. For whatever reason… he knew opening that message would change everything. After a moment, he slid a taloned hand to the HUD and clicked the message open.

—

Officer Vakarian,

I wish I were writing you on better circumstances, but there is something you should know- before you see it in the news vids…

No, this is a better conversation to have in person. It's probably best you take the remainder of the day off, as well. I'd like you to accompany me somewhere if you would.

Meet me at the Docking Bay in an hour.

-Councilor Anderson

Alliance Navy

—

Garrus read the message over and over. What had happened? Why was Councilor Anderson writing him? Before he saw it on the news vids? What news vids?

Immediately he rushed to the docking bay. An hour was a ways a way, but he couldn't help it. He had to get there now. The urgency of not knowing what had happened was killing him. He paced the Docking Bay, and during his wait he found himself thinking back to that night with Shepard. That drunken night… The night that changed everything. He could almost feel her and taste her again. The minutes ticked by slowly and finally Councilor Anderson exited the elevator. His face was sad, and stern. Something was definitely wrong here. He walked straight up to Garrus and extended a hand, which Garrus firmly shook back.

"Officer Vakarian… How are you today?" Anderson asked stepping to the side.

"Councilor… Fine. You wanted to speak to me?" He had suspicion in his voice and was watching Anderson's vitals trickle by on his visor.

"Yes… I did." Anderson turned away from him resting his hands on the railing overlooking some docked ships.

"Anderson? Excuse me, sir, but what is going on?" Garrus found himself growing impatient.

"There's been an accident, Vakarian. The Normandy was hit." Anderson couldn't look at Garrus when he spoke.

Garrus felt his heart sink and everything grew dull around him. His breath quickened and he felt his mandibles pull tightly to his face. He didn't speak, he couldn't. Fear engulfed him, he didn't want to hear whatever Anderson was trying to say.

"There were some survivors. But, Commander Jane Shepard has been reported as killed in action during the attack." With this Anderson turned looking straight into Garrus' eyes.

Anderson's face had grown pale, he seemed to be holding back tears. Garrus had seen many humans 'crying' while at C-Sec. He never quite understood it, not until then. Not until he felt the pain in his chest and he himself felt the urge for the first time.

"No." Garrus let out softly shaking his head in disbelief.

No. This isn't possible. Shepard… she… she can't be…

"I'm headed to meet the remainder of the crew now, the ship went down only a few hours ago. I figured you'd like to accompany me." Anderson was trying to remain in control of his emotions, but is voice proved otherwise.

This couldn't be happening. Shepard couldn't be… She just couldn't. She was Shepard… She stopped Saren. She stopped Sovereign. She stopped the geth… She couldn't just… What was happening… How could any of this be real?

The ride had been long and agonizing. When Garrus and Councilor Anderson arrived at the Medical Center where the remaining crew had been taken to, he still couldn't believe it. The crew had been shaken up, some were seriously injured; but they all were covered in grime and smelled of fire. Garrus looked around the room frantically, searching for Shepard. Where was she? She had to have been there. She couldn't be… there was no way she was…

No matter how many faces he checked, none of them were hers. No matter how hard he searched for the scent of her skin, her hair, her blood… there was nothing. There was only emptiness.

He looked across the room spotting Joker and Kaidan sitting. They weren't speaking to each other, and they didn't move… they just sat. Looking into the distance as if they were empty vessels with no one inside. Garrus ran, pushing past anyone in his way, he had to hear it from them. He had to hear it from anyone who had been there- if they had actually seen her… He wouldn't believe it otherwise. He couldn't believe it otherwise. When Garrus reached them the looks they gave him threw him into a rage. Before he knew what he was doing he grabbed Kaidan shaking him forcefully, almost lifting him from the ground. The biotic lit up in a white blue but he didn't speak, didn't react.

"What happened? Where is she?" Garrus shook Kaidan again growling his words. "Where is she, damn it!" He yelled as the remaining crew and doctors attention had turned to see what the shouting was about.

No one moved in though, not yet anyway… They just watched, as the room grew quiet. No one knew that Garrus and Shepard had been involved. But everyone knew how close they were; the two of them were were always together. It was no secret that he was a favorite of hers, of course he would be affected by her death. Kaidan didn't even try to fight back, he just sway lifelessly as Garrus shook him. Joker stood putting his hand on Garrus' shoulder trying to pull him away from his rage. It was building, everyone could see it. He was about to break. He shook Kaidan again, harder this time. His taloned hands gripping, puncturing his arms. He could smell the fresh blood, and he could see how unstable Kaidan was growing in his visor, but this didn't stop him.

"She's gone, Garrus." Joker said finally shaking his head. "I saw it myself… If it's anyones fault it's mine. I wouldn't leave the Normandy… She had to come back for me and now she's dead." Joker stepped back, burying his face in a hand.

Garrus would have hit Joker, but even in his guilt fueled rage he knew that probably would have killed him. If he didn't, he'd at least of broken every bone in his face. So instead he unloaded a fist into Kaidan. Kaidan could take a beating… He didn't care if Joker had been the reason she stayed aboard too long, and deep down he knew it wasn't Kaidan's fault or even Jokers for that matter. That's just who Shepard was and he knew it… She was always going to be the last one out. Knowing that didn't stop him though. He just reacted.

Kaidan flew backwards landing on a cot; he grabbed his face looking up at Garrus anger filling his eyes. A small stream blood ran from Kaidan's nose. In a flash he stood arms glowing bright with an orb of biotic energy. He threw it straight into Garrus' chest sending him flying into a passing nurse. There were several screams as the crowd ran trying to escape the commotion.

"It's not my fault, Garrus. I tried to get her to come with me but she wouldn't leave Joker. She ordered me to get to a pod. I was just following orders." Kaidan said dryly with furious eyes at Garrus, his chest heaving heavily with each breath.

"Oh, what a fantastic display of discipline, Alenko. You followed an order like a good little varren, and your bad call got Shepard killed. You should have protected her." He stepped closer to the biotic growling each word a long finger pointing at Kaidan's chest.

"Me? What about you. If you're so damn in love with her, why weren't you with her, huh? Why did you leave her that night? No. You're just as much to blame here as I am, Garrus." He said back wiping his nose still glowing a white blue.

"You have no idea what you're talking about." Garrus was growling raising a fist at Kaidan again but was stopped.

"Enough!" Joker yelled between them, he was showing a lot of bravery stepping in so close at this moment.

"It doesn't matter what could have happened. Who was there, or who wasn't. She's gone, alright? Fighting each other isn't going to bring her back." Joker looked between the two of them.

They all stood in silence, breathing heavily.

After a moment Garrus sighed, and turned to leave the room. His heart was heavy and he felt like the best part of him was missing. Ripped out. Gone. Taken from him. Kaidan was right… He never should have left her. And now she was gone… She was really gone.

Shepard was… dead.