Anorexia
(DISCLAIMER: No own)
If you find that you liike this story, try reading the (sort of) companion fic for this in my profile called, "Recovery" :) The events occuring in that one are more... realistic than in this fic, granted I didn't know as much while writing this one.
Nevertheless, R&R! :)
I'm standing in front of the mirror…
Fat. Disgusting. Ugly Stupid.
I'm holding a yogurt.
Fat. Disgusting. Ugly. Stupid.
I put down the yogurt.
Fat. Disgusting. Ugly. Stupid.
Maybe. But I'm getting better.
Monday, Jan. 21 6:55 a.m.
Today's a school day like any other. It starts with me walking onto campus grounds, and ends with me walking off. It was nothing that would have made me especially glad to step foot on the premises, except I've lost 4 pounds since Friday. Granted I still have a long way to go, but it's a noticeable amount, and I can't wait to show it off. I can't wait for people to stop me in halls and take notice. Friday, I was a nobody. Today, people will be jealous.
Monday, Jan 21 4:25 p.m.
Today I watched as the fat cows around me stuffed their gluttonous stomachs with grease, oil, carbs, sodium… It gave me the courage to not eat. Watching me stay in control during lunch made me feel so much better about myself. It made me pity the ones stuffing their faces. They're not in control. They're cows.
Except for Naruto. He's so perfect… He eats whatever he wants and doesn't gain an ounce! But you can't see his bones… His lovely, lovely bones… He'd be so much better if he was in control too, just like me. I was sneaking peaks at him from across the courtyard. He really is gorgeous… But all the trash he's feeding himself… [I want to fatten him up because I'm jealous, and he looks so much better without any effort] I want to help him. He should use those looks to the best of his ability.
I used to be as popular as Naruto, but then people got jealous. They said I was too skinny, but they were just angry because I was skinnier than them. When I [was shunned from the group until I gained some weight] left the group, I vowed to become the skinniest boy in the school. Then they'll have something to talk about. Then they'll have something to envy. Muscle is weight. Muscle isn't what attracts girls. It's bones. BonesBonesBones. I like my girls with bones. They're so pretty…
Right now I'm eating an apple(63 cal.) and Green Tea(0 cal.). It helps boost your metabolism. I'm tempted to eat the other half of my apple, but a good look in the mirror, and I count to 100, halts my hunger, and I throw it into the trash bin, where papers and pencil shavings and crayons and straws sit vacant and dirty, ruining my apple. Good. It means I won't eat it now. So I ate only half of the apple(skinless – 31.5 cal.], and now I'm full. I have my Green Tea, I can last the rest of the day. I am strong. I am in control. I can do this.
Tuesday, Jan 22 1:17 p.m.
I heard them. My ex-best friends. Naruto, Ino, Kiba, Sakura, Shino… All of them except Shikamaru. I heard their jealousy rampage. I. HEARD. IT. I know their jealous… but why do I feel so crappy? Thye say they want me back… their jealous of my popularity… but they said they wont do it until I "gain some weight".
Oh so that's how it is. I can be handsome, just not TOO handsome. At least, not better than you. You shallow fools. You think you can ever be better than me with all that fat clinging to your insides? The fat piles so high, your thighs are touching? Fat piled high enough to jiggle when you walk? You are not beautiful. You are disgusting. I don't need you guys, and what makes you think I would come back to your stupid little fat-group anyway? Because I'm desperate? Lonely? No, I'm not desperate or lonely. I'm independent. I thought I needed well-liked people to stand by me to be beautiful… How foolish. I don't need you.
But I must give my thanks to Shikamaru to sticking up for me. He said that nothing would help me by shunning me… But I must inquire what he means by "help"? I don't need help. Maybe he's talking about helping me lose weight, though I highly doubt it… Whatever he means, I hope it made them feel like douchebags. I loved the guilt-stricken expressions on their faces when he said that. I want them to feel bad for leaving me.
Fuck, I'm crying. I'll write later…
Wednesday Jan 23 5:15 a.m.
I'm sorry for not really writing later… I couldn't sleep. I feel terrible. I thought they were my friends. I thought Shikamaru was my friend, but it turns out he's not. He talked to me today after school. He saw me walking home(-160 cal.) and we talked. He told me I was too skinny, and needed to put on the weight. He handed me a ham sandwich, approximately two slices and 4 tblspns of mayo. (310 cal.) I wasn't going to eat it. Shikamaru was a smart fellow, and I respect him for that, but couldn't he see that I KNOW what he's doing? He's trying to fatten me up! I'm not going to get fattened up, I WILL stay strong. So I refused and told him I had a big lunch, and he sighed.
He told me that my weight wasn't acceptable, that I had an eating disorder and I needed help. I looked at him aghast. So they were willing to sink that low, were they? Well, let's fight fire with fire, I thought, and I told him how fat he was. How disgusting and fat and gross and ugly he was. I told him about his gross pineapple hair, how people called it out everyday not just as a joke, but because they really thought it was weird. I told him how his earring is a pathetic attempt to look "cool" and his smoking has turned his teeth yellow, and lowered his brain cell count. I told him he would never amount to anything, and for a minute, I relished in his hurt expression. But then it was gone and I was angry again. I went to say something else, but he just stuffed the sandwich in my hands and walked off, and when I got home I felt awful guilty… I took a bite of ham off the sandwich (scraped off the mayo) to make him feel better, even though I knew he wouldn't know, and I cried.
So I've been kept up all night with guilt, and I'm going to tell him I'm sorry tomorrow. Shikamaru doesn't deserve that, even if he has crossed over to the "Dark Side".
Wednesday Jan 23 9:17 a.m.
I tried to apologize to Shikamaru, but then I realized, "This is the person who tried to sabotage your body. He's a super-genius, he probably knew you would eat that bite of ham if he made you feel guilty." So I didn't. And I won't. And now it's second period and they're all pointing and staring and talking about me, and I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Everyone thinks I'm doing my work right now like I should be, but I'm not. I'm surrounded by fake friends who don't even have the maturity to not make their lives a drama and be shallow. The teacher's out of the room, and the classroom is noisy, but nobody dares to talk to me. They don't want to look at something they could never be: Thin.
And now they're calling me over, and I don't want to go, so I'm just going to pretend I don't notice them. If they call my name I'll ignore them because they're not worth my time, and I don't need them. The teacher's walked back in now, and all of them have turned around, except for Naruto. He keeps staring at me [Don't look at me like that, it makes me sad] and it's getting annoying. I'd have to say that out of all of the friends who've ditched me, I miss Naruto the most. He was my friend long before we'd even met these guys, and they've changed him. They really have. Back in kindergarten he used to bring me flowers and say I was a "pretty lady". It took me forever to convince him that I was a boy, and then he stopped giving me flowers. I miss those days…
Wednesday Jan 23 1:45 p.m.
Well, they followed me to my eating spot at lunch. I was nearly reduced to tears after they were through with me, so I went to the nurse and told her I was woozy from lack of sleep, and she gave me a pass to go home. I kind of wish there was someone there to scold me when I got there…
But for now I'm sitting here, writing on a park bench behind a cluster of trees because it's pretty, and no one will see me here.
But about what they said to me… They told me I was ugly. Maybe not in their context, but they implied it. They told me I was gross-looking and that all the restricting I was doing was harming my body. They said I should stop where I am now and try to gain some weight back. I didn't tell them anything, but when they left, it became difficult to sustain my tears. I went to the bathroom, threw away my lunch (because that's what gross-looking people do. They throw away their lunch so they won't become even more gross-looking) and locked the door to the bathroom, almost as if it was my own.
I looked at my overstuffed stomach – I could literally bunch up the fat in my own hands -, my pudgy cheeks, my double chin, the logs that people – normal people – call arms, the jiggling thighs and huge calves and meaty arms and I cried. I cried at how pathetic I was. I wasn't in control like I thought I was. They just want me to be hideous enough to make them look good.
I'm such an emotional wreck, I'm leaving tear stains on my journal pages. How pathetic.
So it's settled. I'll fast for a week, drinking only Juice, Green Tea, and Water. Mostly juice because I want to get the vitamins I'm missing. Hopefully the vitamins will brighten my features. I'm going to wrap up for now… I want to go to the drugstore and buy myself a scale. Up until now I've been measuring around my waist, but I need exact numbers. I just hope I'm not over 110…
Thursday Jan 24 1:38 a.m.
Well, I didn't buy my scale, and I never wrote about it because I've been up all evening studying and pitying myself. But I shouldn't care what he thinks, he's just a wannabe. He tries to be cool to fit in, but everybody knows that people admire the independent creatures who don't need anybody in this dog-eat-dog teenage world. I'm independent, and when I become the thinnest man in high school, people will worship me, and I won't even have to try to get them to do it.
But about what happened in the drugstore… I actually saw Naruto there. Not that I wasn't surprised, the drugstore was a block from his house, and he went there three times a week to pick up ramen. I knew he would tease me if he saw me buying a scale, so I put it back and picked up three bags of chips, and a bottle of chocolate milk – not lowfat - , to make it seem like I was eating more. I wanted him to go tell his friends that I was this thin without trying, but I was too embarrassed to buy all of it myself. It was so much food and I was already so fat, it would have made me look like a glutton…
So I put back the chocolate milk and two of the three bags I originally had, and went to the checkout counter. I had the $0.99 bag of chips, and I perfected my timing to arrive in the checkout line one person after Naruto. But then, when he was done checking out, I realized that the last thing I wanted was for him to see me, so I put the chips on the shelf and hid in the sweets aisle. It smelt so good, [I really, really wanted to devour the muffins, and the cupcakes, and the strawberry shortcake mini-cakes…] but I didn't want any of it. These foods were for fatties, and I wasn't going to be a fatty any more than I already was.
But then, the worst thing could have happened, Naruto saw me on the way out of the drugstore. I saw him turn towards me out of the corner of my eye, and I was pretty sure the cashier would've told him he wasn't allowed back in here with that bag, but she was too busy with her customers, so he walked and walked and walked and walked and he sat down right beside me. He pulled me down by my elbow when I went to get up, and he didn't let go. I was so scared and I felt like I was going to hyperventilate. Would he beat me up and ruin my face beyond repair? Would he force-feed me? Why was he trying so hard to fatten me up?[He was only trying to help, he wasn't going to hurt me…]
I didn't say one word to him. He lied to me, tried to deceive me into thinking I was his friend so he could get all my secrets and use them against me. I wasn't stupid. Time has changed Naruto. He wasn't my buddy anymore, and he probably never was.
But all he asked were things about my dieting, was it working for me, maybe he'd try it too, and a load of other crap I knew he was lying about. I'm a good enough friend to him to know when he's lying, but he's a bad enough friend to me to tell me I'm gross-looking. Yes, that was him that time, sorry for not specifying…
So I told him his flaws, how ugly his puffy cheeks were, and how stringy and gross his uncombed hair was, and I told him his scars were ugly. That they marred his face, because I knew that would hurt him the most. I knew where those scars came from, and the second I said that, he hit me. Really hard. He hit me in my face, the one place he knew [he didn't know] would hurt the most. My face. He split my lip and I think he sprained my nose. I'm so ugly, and now, I really am as gross as he said. Even grosser, because who likes a crooked nose?
Friday Jan 25 6:15 a.m.
Sorry for not writing about my day yesterday. Overall, I didn't go to school. I was too ugly to be seen, because I couldn't cover anything up with make-up. Fuck, I'm crying. Naruto's changed so much. Why am I so alone?
Friday Jan 25 11:56 a.m.
It's lunchtime now, and I haven't eaten anything. I told myself I would fast, and that's what I'm doing. I still don't have that scale, and I really need to get it… I want to know when I get down to 89 pounds. I took off my make-up because when I went to reapply it in the bathroom just now (doors locked) I found out that it was all gone, and there was no bruising anymore. The only thing I'm worried about is my split lip, but I put a band-aid over it and told people I hit my mouth on the corner of a kitchen table.
So I just straightened my nose, which hurt a little, but no pain no gain, right? And walked out of the bathroom and headed off campus. I'm at the park right now, and I'm debating just not showing up to class. Nobody will notice… but damn, I should start heading back now. I think I'll go… I want to be a writer when I get older… I need to study…
Friday Jan 25 1:11 p.m.
A plump, fat man by the name of Mr. Akimichi substituted our class today. He was just like any other teacher. Was strict, blunt, and loaded us with work for the rest of the class period. I remember I was on question number 10 when this all started. I asked him to turn the air off. I was very cold and was near to the point of shivering, and while that would have burned calories, it was getting to be a bit much. So I asked him to turn the A/C down and he said, "Well maybe if you put a little meat on your bones, you wouldn't be so cold, now would you." I glared at him, and everyone instantly tuned in to see what I would do, as per usual. I wasn't paying so much attention to them, but I quickly packed my belongings[I could feel Naruto's worrying gaze on me] and made to walk out the classroom. However, right before I left, I yelled back, "Well maybe if you shed some meat on yours, you wouldn't be so warm, fat ass!" and slammed the door, but not before I heard everyone's laughs and gasps. I felt proud to be so independent. I haven't eaten anything all day, and I feel in control.
Friday Jan 25 5:22 p.m.
I bought myself a scale at last, and was totally Naruto-free. I weighed myself, and I'm 93 pounds. It's a start, and I definitely lost! I was 97 on Monday… But wow, I'm so hyped! I'm only 4 pounds away from my first goal weight, and it won't be long before I'm down to my ultimate goal weight, 65 pounds. I'm so elated! One week of fasting should make me lose around 10 pounds…. Right? I don't know, I'll try it…
Saturday Jan 26 3:23 p.m.
I'd cry, but my ex-best-friends are spying on me right now, and I don't want to look like any more of a mess than I already do.
So today I woke up this morning, and these two pre-pubescent girls – of whom I don't know – rang the doorbell and gave me cupcakes and expressed their love for me. I was used to this, but it hadn't happened in a while, seeing as everyone thinks I'll make them look bad standing right next to them.
So I say my thank you's and bring the chocolate-stuffed cupcakes into the breakfast room table. They're freshly made, and they smell oh-so-delicious, but I can't… I won't eat them [I'm starving] So I fetch the trashcan and open the top container to throw them each out one by one (the box is too big by itself) but then the smell hits me. It attacks me so viciously and I try to stay strong. I don't want those cupcakes[those delicious, mouthwatering, succulent cupcakes] they're gross, and I try to pretend I'm allergic. If I eat them, my mouth will swell up, and I will start seizing[ just one bite won't hurt….] I know eating one bite will throw me in a frenzy to eat more… and more and more and more and more…[Just lick the top off the icing… get a taste… It's only around 10 cal. For a small little nibble]
But against my better judgment, I took a bite, and it was so good, so I devoured it, and then ate another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another until I reach in for another, only to find that I've eaten them all, and I start crying and blubbering and hiccoughing and I feel so disgusting and dirty, so I bring the scale into the kitchen (Where I've been doing it because my house is all carpet) and I've gone up to 97. I start crying very loudly, and then all I can think to do is get rid of it. To get it all out of my system, so I rush to the sink, and I shove my finger down my throat, and I puke. And puke and puke until the vomit coming up starts to burn, and it's all acid.
I wash my mouth out, and when I reach for the towel above the sink, I see a spot of golden hair hide beneath my window. I get a better look and see pink, and more blonde, but that's all I can see and I stare downward, horrified. Did they really see me? Oh god… they saw me puke unperfect and disgusting chunks… they watched my binge… I'm such a failure, so I cry some more, and then suddenly stop, because what if they're still watching? So I wipe myself off, and the sink, and walk over to the treadmill and exercise for six hours, and hopefully they'll get tired and leave, but they don't, so I just curl up in a sleeping bag in my window-free bathroom floor, and I sleep. I don't even want to go to school Monday. I haven't really written about it, but I think I want to drop out… I want to be a writer, but when I look back, many writers did not go to college. I don't need school with all it's drama and rules and imperfection. I don't have anyone there. I'm just fine on my own anyway…
Monday Jan 28 8:18 a.m.
So this is it. I've officially dropped out. I can be a writer without this dim-witted education, which will not even help me in the slightest anyway. I didn't write yesterday because I was exercising all day long on my treadmill to burn some calories. I love that burn I feel in my legs and abdomen when I know I'm working them. It's mean I'm becoming healthier and healthier everyday, and I've lost those two pounds I gained yesterday, plus more.
So I was walking out from the office, having just dropped out, and Naruto says, "Hey, watcha been up to?" and he's smiling with that fake smile of his. I knew him better than anyone. He used to be my friend, and I know he's hiding something. That's the smile he makes when he's severely distressed and upset, and usually been crying the night prior to that smile.
He's by himself, and I don't answer him, so he just continues talking, "Are ya skipping? Hey we can skip together, just like old times-"
And then I say finally, "I don't want to skip with you. We aren't friends." And walk away. He doesn't say anything, and he doesn't move from the spot where he was standing until I made it to the corner, when he grabs me and shoves me into the nearest deserted room, which just so happens to be the old art room, and he locks the door. He's holding onto my arm, and then he's kissing me! I had no idea if he truly felt that way, or if he was mocking me, or if he was trying to get in my good graces so that he could fatten me up, or send me in the psycho ward for what I've done. I don't kiss back, but he doesn't relent. He shoves me onto the old art table and pins me there by my upper arms, and I'm scared, and I can't fight back, and then he lifts up my shirt, and I can't stop crying because he looks at my fat body with a look of horror, and I mean to run out the door, but it's locked, and I'm stuck here. I feel so helpless, so I face him and yell and he looks like he's going to cry, but I don't know why. He has no reason to cry, and then I yell more words I can't remember, and I'm just one big pile of gross emotion.
"I'm fat! I'm fat! Why would you look at a fat person you pervert? I hate you! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you…"
And I imagine I say those three words over and over again because that's how I really feel, but I can't be too sure. Right now he sits on one corner of the dark, window-lit room, while I sit on the other, but here he comes, so I must write later.
Monday Jan 28 11:14 p.m.
Well, it took me forever for me to finally gain the courage to get up and of my comforting bed and write about what happened after I stopped writing earlier today. And here I am, so here it goes…
Naruto walked up to me after I'd put my journal up, and he held me there, and shook me, and yelled at me, and it made me terrified. I couldn't even listen to a word he said, but when he started shaking me again, I made sure to pay attention. He talked about how I needed help, and how I was entirely unhealthy. He said I needed to come live with him so that I would eat more and be healthy and then he suddenly let go of me, I don't know if it was to make me feel safer, or what, but when he did that, my instincts took over, and I hit him hard, in the face, and said the six words that I knew would hurt him the most,
"Get away from me, you monster!" and then I sort of felt bad because his eyes went wide and he stopped talking, and then a flood of tears streamed down his face and he started crying and glaring at me before he pinned me against the wall and yelled, "You're the monster here!" I told him that I knew I was a fat, ugly monster, but at least I wasn't as terrifying as he was, and that at least I had control, and then he told me I was starving myself, and he quieted down. Everything was quiet until the end of the school day when everybody's walked home, and he forced me into his car, and force fed me two whole bags of chips. He held my nose and forced mouth open and shut and waited until every bite was finished.
I cried through the whole situation, and he held me down for an hour after that so I wouldn't throw it up, he told me. [Don't look at me with those eyes…] And then I ran home. I ran, and I burned off those chips, and I went home, and just laid in bed for hours. I couldn't sleep, I haven't been able to for months, but I'd run out of sleeping pills, and it's too late to get some now… So I'll get some tomorrow.
Sometimes I wonder if it's normal that these things occur in my life. Sometimes I wonder if it's normal to write this much in one sitting and still enjoy it.
Other times I just want to die.
Tuesday Jan 29 4:15 p.m.
Apparently Naruto heard that I'd dropped out, because he's knocking on the door yelling right now. I don't want to let him in, but I don't want to disturb the neighbors…
Tuesday Jan 30 11:56 a.m.
Well, I let him in because [I secretly miss him]he just wouldn't quit banging on the door. Such a moron… but when I let him in, he picked me up and dropped me on the sofa in the living room. Then he started yelling, and I stopped listening because I didn't care what he had to say. I only started paying attention when he started crying, but I don't think he really noticed because I was trying so hard to make it look like I wasn't listening.
Then he dragged me to the bathroom and went through my cabinet, and I went to take a peek at what he was doing, if he was trying to kill himself or something, but then he shoved a half-full bottle of sleeping pills in my face and started yelling, "Take them! Take them! Why aren't you taking them? What, you don't want to die? Well that's stupid because you're already killing yourself! You're just doing it more slowly!"
I didn't understand, I think he was trying to get me to kill myself, but I don't know why. Am I that miserable to be around? I don't get it…
So while he was shaking them in my face and yelling at me, I got scared. I didn't know what to do, so I took a few of them, about three or four, but I only was able to put 2 in my mouth before he threw everything on the floor and told me to stop it, and then everything got quiet, and all I could hear was the sound of him crying. Then about twenty minutes later, I got really tired, and I couldn't hold myself up anymore, so I guess I sort of fell asleep in the bathroom, and he must've carried me out to the bedroom, because that's where I woke up.
He's still here, you know. He's sitting on the bed, watching me writing this, but I'm ignoring him. I hate him. —
Tuesday Jan 30 12:40 p.m.
Sorry, he took my book. He started talking to me, saying stuff like, "Why do you always write in that stupid old thing? What's in there? You're calorie intake? Ha. I wanna see." He said, and when I told him no, he just got up and took it from me and now he's yelling at me again, telling me things just so he can fatten me up, and now he's reading over my shoulder and saying that he's not trying to fatten me up, and that I'm just paranoid and mental.
I'm trying to get him to leave me alone, saying stuff that I know will hurt him – he's not reading over my shoulder anymore – but he won't go away. Doesn't he know I don't want him here? Doesn't he know that I just don't like him? I feel like I'm going to pass out, and I'm starving. [literally]
I was thinking about trying the whole "binge/purge" method. It seems sane. I can stop getting the urge to binge, and everything will be fine. I'm so hungry… but I have to wait for Naruto to leave. I keep telling him to "get the hell out of my home" but he just keeps yelling at me when I say that. He says I don't know how to take care of myself, and I tell him I god damn DO know how to take care of myself.
He left, but I can hear him making food. Ramen, I think. I'm not eating that.
Tuesday Jan 30 11:52 p.m.
Isn't it funny? School would've been let out by now… I wonder what everyone's doing?
Well I should stop skirting around the subject…
Naruto wasn't making ramen. He was making eggs… and toast with butter and bacon and grits and oatmeal and cereal… It's like he expected me to eat all of that (I wouldn't eat any of it). So when he walked back up to drag me out of my room, I locked the door, and he – dare I say it – literally unbolted it. He went down to my garage, stole my tools, and unbolted my door. I was so angry, I didn't bother to prepare myself when he tackled me, and brought me down to the kitchen table and…. Ugh…. Tied me to a chair. I kept glaring at him when he tried the "choo-choo train" method on me to get me to open my mouth, then he said, bluntly and plainly, "We can make this hard, or we can make this simple. You, eat. You're too god damn skinny for your own good, and this eating disorder has changed you. If you don't eat this next mouthful of food, I'm going to force-feed it to you, just like last time. You understand?" He stared at me straight in the eye, and I was silently pleading with him not to do it. I'd just gotten down to 91 pounds… (with no help from the cupcakes…) and I wasn't about to ruin it, but he made me. He force fed me oatmeal and toast, two slices, total calories: no idea. I never even ate that stuff. I'll just assume about 550…
So I told him I was full, could he let me go, and he said, no, because I would probably just throw it up. Of course, that was my plan, but I was hoping he wouldn't catch on. So while he was washing a couple of plates, I managed to unknot it… it took me fifteen minutes to do it, and I'm still feeling stupid for not trying it in the first place, and then I bolted to the bathroom and locked the door, and puked. And puked, and puked, and puked, and puked, and ignored Naruto beating on the door for me to stop. I wouldn't stop. I was in control.
So I stopped puking after I felt the vomit start to burn a little. Naruto's still banging on the door, and I wonder why he doesn't just unbolt it like he did last time, but I don't voice this, and decide to remain grateful for his stupidity. I stay in the bathroom a little while before he picks the lock and drags me out. I'm pissed, so I start hitting him and telling him I hate him and he just drops me on my bed and sort of hugs me-like. It's so that I can't get away, and soon after that, he falls asleep. I'm in my living room, and I'm debating living in an apartment away from here for a while, but I know I don't have the money for that… I think I'll take a few sleeping pills and go to sleep.
Wednesday Jan 31 10:15 p.m.
I feel like crap. I can't even sit up, and I woke up at 1:00 this afternoon SCREAMING because I had intense stomach cramps. Naruto walked over and tried to get me to stop yelling, then he looked up whatever it was, and apparently it's because I ate more than I was used to eating yesterday. I hope he's happy. This is all his fault anyway.
So he didn't force-feed me, and I've stayed food-free all day. I can't get to my scale, but I'm pretty sure I might've lost a pound. I don't know. I'm only hoping…
He hasn't said anything to me all day, so when he went to sort of play with my hair, I just let him.
Actually I just jerked my head away from him because he told me my hair's falling out. Asshole. You don't tell people that. He can't see what I'm writing, which is good, I think he's learned his lesson even if I didn't particularly teach him anything…
He keeps trying to touch my hair. I feel like I'm about to go off on him, but my cramps keep me from talking, lest I start screaming.
I'm running out of things to say. I'll write later.
Thursday Feb 1 2:12 a.m.
Wow, I can't believe it. The second I put down my book, he starts talking to me. Nothing offensive, but at the same time, nothing productive either. He just asks pointless questions, like small talk, and I always gave him one-word answers because I don't want to talk to him, but I know he won't shut up unless I answer him.
But then he just leaned forward and kissed me again. It wasn't like last time where I was scared as hell, but I still made him leave the room afterwards. I hate him.
…But now when I say that it sounds like I'm trying to convince myself.
Saturday Feb 10 8:18 p.m.
I didn't write it in here, but last week I swore I would write again until I found myself a scale. I finally have one(I found Naruto's hiding spot), and I feel desperate because I've gained ten pounds. I'm now 101, and I NEED. TO. LOSE.
I just wish I could do that… Naruto keep feeding me, and he says I'm looking better and better every day. I'm so grossed out with myself. I feel like I'm going to break down any minute, but I don't want to give Naruto the satisfaction. I'll write each time I weigh myself. It's like a way to vent, though I would prefer to write everyday, I'm running out of pages, and Naruto won't let me out of the house.
Wednesday Feb 14 7:24 a.m.
Oh, god. I woke up early this morning to weigh myself (I just couldn't put off writing anymore) and I've gained 4.5 pounds! I'm officially 105.5 pounds right now, and I'm crying because it's only been four days and I've gained so much. I wish I could lose weight this fast when I was dieting…
But god, I hate him so much! Look at what he's done to me! I wish I could paste a picture of my fat, lardy self, but no, I can't do that, and I'm stuck gaining until the orange menace decides to piss off and leave me alone like I keep telling him to every day. I hate him.
.
Tuesday Feb 20 6:15 a.m.
By now I am literally bawling. Please excuse the tear stains on this page….
So I weighed myself, and guess what? I've gained 12 pounds… TWELVE POUNDS! That's a total of 122.6 pounds! Maybe if I tell Naruto, he'll leave me alone, and then I can start losing again. I hope he FAILS SCHOOL for all the days he's spent making my life miserable. I hate him.
.
…I think I'll write more often…
Wednesday Feb 21 10:11 a.m.
I get it. I FINALLY GET IT NOW!
He was fattening me up so he could use me! So he could get his "thrill" out of it. I'd heard of people who have a sexual interest in fat men, but this is going too far!
Last night…. started out as it usually does. He finds some way for us to "bond" by watching movies, and then he started staring at me, and I was getting really uncomfortable, so I asked him what the hell he wanted, and he said, "Nothing… You know, you look better when you're not skin and bones."
Except skin and bones is good. Everyone loves skin and bones except for the occasional person with a fat fetish, but nobody likes fat really. Nobody likes fat.
Nobody likes fat….
So that's what I told him, that nobody likes fat, and then he started going off on me, telling me how I was not fat, which is lies.
LIES!
So I made to get up and go to bed, but he pulled me down and pinned me to the couch. I kept telling him to let me go, but he didn't, and then he lifted up my shirt and stared at my fat and told me I was hot…that I was sexy when I wasn't anorexic, and he started touching me, and kissing my neck and I started crying because I felt so helpless and not in control. Then he turned me over and pulled down my pants and put his finger in… it hurt… Then he put more fingers in, and then he just stopped, and he redressed me, and started begging for forgiveness, but I couldn't stop crying, and now I'm in my room, and I think I forgive him, but I still hate him for everything. I really hate him for making me fat. I hate him.
.
Wednesday Feb 21 5:05 p.m.
I'm sitting in the kitchen right now, and Naruto's in the living room taking a nap, or crying, or watching television, but either way I know I need to be silent for this to work.
Maybe if I throw out all the food, he won't feed me anymore.
Wednesday Feb 21 9:31 p.m.
I did it. I threw EVERYTHING out, and now I'm just hoping he'll leave me alone long enough to let me fast for the rest of the day. I pulled out the scale and, surprisingly, I've lost 4 pounds just from fasting today! That's good! It means that the fat hasn't begun to cling to my bones yet, and I'll get rid of it faster! I'm sure of it! I have to… Deep down, there must be the Sasuke who was once 91 pounds…
I'll just need to remove the layers upon layers of fat to get to him.
Friday Feb 23 11:12 p.m.
I'm crying right now, and I can't stop. Naruto's such a terrible person. I hate my life.
I hate him.
I could say it over and over and over again but I don't feel I have the strength to…
So yesterday Naruto finally figured out that I'd thrown out all the food. Well, I knew he would, but I wish he wouldn't have done anything about it… But then again, that was obviously just wishful thinking…
So what does he do? He stomps into my room angrily and THROWS me out of bed. Then he picks me up and DRAGS me into the living room and slaps me for being "an idiot". It had hurt so much and at the time I didn't even know why he was doing these things. It took me a while to realize that the force of his hit had knocked me on the floor, and I tried to scramble away and everything, but he just kept following me and raging at me… I felt so helpless, but at least he didn't hit me again… I already have a HUGE black and blue bruise on my cheek, and it's disgusting.
But he DID, however, tie my hands to the bolts in the door and said it was to make sure I "didn't run away while he went to buy more food." I was furious, and I was crying tears of frustration. He would only make me gain and gain, and he would never stop! He would wait until I was obese and then he would rape me like he did last time, and tell me about all his sickly fetishes for fat people.
But then I got to thinking, "Hey, why don't I run away?" because then I wouldn't have an excuse to eat because there wouldn't be any money to eat, and I could be skinny all I wanted, and eventually write a novel…
It would be the perfect plan.
So I pulled on the strings he tied to the door until they broke, and I packed my scale, my notebook, and a few clothes, and I left.
Now my wrists have several thin cuts from where I was pulling so hard, and I'm wondering how being skinny will be worth it when I can't take a bath, because being smelly and grimy don't make ANYONE look good…
And I'm thinking maybe I should've brought some money for an apartment, because my control was fine before, and I didn't need to live on the streets, right?
Right.
But at least I haven't eaten in two days, and at least the scale says I'm down to 111 lbs., which is a miracle because the last time I'd eaten I was 122.6 lbs., but I'm scared that I won't lose the remaining fat fast enough, and it'll start sticking to my bones and never leave me ever again…
I'll just have to be careful.
Saturday Feb 24 7:44 a.m.
I couldn't sleep last night, so around 4:00 a.m. I decided to go for a jog to speed up my weight loss. I just got finished, and the scale says I dropped two pounds, which is good. 109 isn't good, but it's good that I'm losing…
I'm writing right now to say that I'm making a silent promise to never write in here until I'm at my goal weight of 89 lbs.
That should keep me motivated, because I really love to write.
Friday April 1 12:12 p.m.
It's been 36 long days since I made that promise, and I've made it past 89 pounds… I told myself once I reached that weight that I should lose a little more before I wrote… just to make sure I didn't gain it all back and break my promise, so I did, and now I'm 85 lbs. I've barely eaten anything except for a little bit of lettuce everyday or so from this really nice old lady a few towns over from my house.
Get this, she used to be anorexic! I don't know why that excites me so much, but it seems like she understands me. She says I'm anorexic, and now that I think about it, that's exciting.
Sasuke, the anorexic.
It almost sounds graceful… At least they're beautiful and thin.
Anyway, the old lady – Named Tsunade – says that there's nothing she can do for someone who doesn't want to recover, so she doesn't push it when I only eat 33 lettuce leaves each day(99 cals.), because she says she "lost hope" for me, but I don't care. At least I've found someone to talk to who doesn't always put me on trial.
Miss Tsunade also lets me use her shower and sleeping pills. She says I shouldn't use the sleeping pills since my stomach is so weak from malnutrition, but I do anyway. I can't sleep, and it's been wearing on me. I pass out several times a day now, and I have to cover the bags under my eyes with make-up, which is also something Miss Tsunade lets me use. She even bought me my own compact since I use it so much. I was embarrassed because guys aren't supposed to use make-up, so I told her it for the bags under my eyes, and she said, "I know," so now I feel better about that.
I think I really like Miss Tsunade. She's really nice, but I don't want to impose, so I'll continue only stopping by once a day or so, just so she won't get tired of me and leave just like everyone else did.
Saturday April 2 9:15 p.m.
Today Miss Tsunade took me out to buy a hat because my hair was falling out and I was beginning to look cancer-ish. I assume it's from the lack of sleep I've been getting, and I look good in my new hat, so I'm not too worried about it.
Just for future reference, it's a black little knit-hat. The kind that snags. It lets just the right amount of hair so I don't look like I'm balding at the roots like I am now. It looks like I have a full head of hair…
I like it.
I couldn't express my gratitude enough to Miss Tsunade. She really is a good lady, but lately she's been talking about how her nephew's coming over for a night, and would I like to meet him…
I don't think I do. I'll try to come over before he does, and then I'll steer clear for a week. Hopefully that'll keep me from socializing with people who may only prove to be pathetic.
She said he'll be here next Friday evening, after he gets back from school. See, this is the big reason why I don't want to see him, because when I asked what school he went to, she said, "Konoha High."
Now that's a scary thought.
Sunday April 3 5:00 p.m.
Miss Tsunade really wants me to meet him, but I can't. If I do, that person will just tell everyone around school that I've gone missing, and then Naruto will find out and he'll come back for me…
No. No.
.
NOT after all my hard work! I will NOT be fattened up!
No, no, I can't, I say, and she looks down at me with pitying eyes and says that anorexics tend to seclude themselves. I don't respond because the only thing I could think to tell her is the truth, and she can't know the truth because then she'll tell her nephew, and the whole cycle will begin…
On the bright side, someone yelled that I was a skinny runt…
I don't care. At least I was "skinny"
Monday April 4 10:15 p.m.
Well today is a great day!
Just kidding. See, that was sarcasm.
I found out that I can't see Miss Tsunade anymore because Naruto is her nephew! NARUTO! Can you believe it? It's a small world after all…
So I tell Tsunade that Naruto was a terrible person to me, and he was, always trying to fatten me up, but then she snaps at me and says that she can understand that my brain is muddled from my lack of food, but she will NOT stand for me calling her nephew a terrible person, when he was clearly trying to see to my health.
I told her I was leaving and never coming back because obviously she was blind to reason, and I left.
But now I'm thinking that maybe Naruto was seeing to my health. I know that I was overweight at 122.6, but he never weighed me. At all. He was just like everyone else who had never studied much on dieting and weight, and he knew nothing about it. He couldn't tell that I was fat yet, because the fat hadn't stuck to my bones yet and made me look fat to him. Fortunately, I could see it, so I was able to catch on quick, but he wasn't, and that wasn't his fault. Maybe he just thought that I would go too far eventually, and so he wanted to stop it early? I couldn't help but notice him being concerned the whole time he moved in with me, so maybe he did have good motives and just didn't know what he was doing.[I want to convince myself to love him consciously again] He isn't all bad…
Tonight the scale said 83 lbs. It looks like my weight-loss is slowing a bit… maybe I can convince Miss Tsunade to buy some Green Tea?
Wait, nevermind, I forgot I can't go to her house anymore. I feel bad… Maybe I should say I'm sorry to her?
No. No, she'll keep me there and tell Naruto to come get me now that she knows that I know him. She'll turn against me for being so mean to her nephew. No, I can't risk it. I'll have to find someone else's place to crash at…
Maybe I'll try begging for money, I hear people make A LOT for doing that…
Tuesday April 5 7:15 p.m.
You would not BELIEVE the amount of money I made today!
FOUR HUNDRED FIFTY-TWO DOLLARS AND SIXTY-THREE CENTS!
I'm shell-shocked, I really am. I'm going to try to save for a nearby apartment, and they say it'll cost me six hundred dollars a month to stay at. If I do as well as I did today, maybe I can save up for that AND a sleeping bag… or maybe a blow-up mattress, seeing as my bones hurt to lay on…
Ah well… and I must've burned a lot of calories while I was walking around begging, because the scale said 81.5 just now. A whole pound and a half! Lately I'd been losing only half a pound to one pound a day, but never in a long time have I lost a whole pound and a half! I feel so accomplished… or maybe it's because I didn't eat any lettuce today? Hmm… maybe. 99 calories less each day can shed an extra half a pound right? Right…
Before, I said my goal weight was 65 pounds, but I don't really like that number… I think I'd like to be 77 pounds… THAT'S a good number. They're both the same, and I don't know, but something attracts me to them. I find it kind of weird that, for once, I've changed my goal weight to something higher rather than lower… But meh… I can deal… and It's only 4.5 lbs. away! I can't wait!
I'm so close to thin it's almost suffocating…
Sunday April 10 8:30 p.m.
I can't believe it. Naruto found me. Ugh, I could KILL MYSELF for how stupid I was to believe I wouldn't be caught sleeping so close to Miss Tsunade on the days he'd come over! HOW STUPID CAN I BE? I'm worthless, dumb, ugly, fat…
And I take back my goal of 77 pounds. 66 sounds much better.
Oh, and before I forget, I would have more pages of journal entries, but on Wednesday I went out to buy a separate notebook, since my old one had gotten full, and I lost it, what with the way Naruto had been dragging me around to his car. He looked so angry, and I can't help but feel a little bit guilty for making him worry, but it was for the best.
And now the best is going to be ruined because Naruto took all of my begging money (550 dollars, by the way) and spent it on getting a separate lock on the outside of the house for when he leaves, and for getting the windows bolted shut. I mean, Naruto was crazy, but I didn't think he was this crazy…
Naruto says he's checking me into an inpatient program… I'm scared… I don't want to be fat…
Monday April 11 10:15 a.m.
Naruto's making me go to "recovery"…right now…
And he said they won't let me bring my notebook because it might be "triggering", whatever that means…
I just wish people weren't so overcautious all the time. I'm not going to go too far, and there are people much thinner than me out there… much… and nobody tells them anything!
Well Naruto finished packing everything for me, and he says I have to go…
I'm going to find a good hiding spot for this journal, then I'll write when I get back…
I flipped through the last page of my journal, knowing now what they meant by "triggering"…
It's been three years since I've fully "recovered", and I stand at a pretty healthy weight of 130 pounds, though most of it is muscle… I made sure of that. Naruto also made sure that nothing made me relapse. For example, only letting me use the weight-lifting section in the gym…
Now that I look back, I was really messed up… I mean, really, my friends were jealous of my thinness? Naruto had a fat fetish? I almost busted out laughing at the last one, but I didn't because I remember the feelings I felt when I wrote that, and I was so in denial….
I closed the journal. That was in the past, and I have to much to give up to go back to it now… Even if demeaning thoughts plague me every time I look in the mirror… but I don't listen to them! That's what makes me "better" I guess – the fact that I don't give in. Yeah… better…
I turned around slowly when I felt light breathing down my neck, coming face-to-face with Naruto. I smiled a little. It was barely noticeable, but it was there. He pressed a kiss on my cheek and moved a hand to play with my hair. As much as it irritated me (because I would have to fix it later), he loved doing it, so I let him.
"Watcha doing?" he asked, and rested his chin to rest in the crook of my neck, "Is that your old notebook?" he asked. I nodded, "Don't read it, it might be triggering-"
"I already did," I interrupted. He must've thought I was susceptible to everything and anything… "I was so stupid…" it was silent a moment before he brushed his lips against my neck.
"Yeah… you were…" he whispered, "I like you better now than you were before – more clear-minded and rational… The old Sasuke scared me…" I nodded wordlessly, and there was another round of silence before he asked, "Want me to shampoo your hair?" and I chuckled. Trust Naruto to find a way to comfort himself…
But I did like it when he did that…
"Sure…" I said, he smirked.
"I'm not responsible for anything that might happen in that bathroom." He said as a sort of disclaimer, before forcefully dragging me into the bathroom. I didn't protest, and I smirked.
"Neither am I."
GAH! The ending was so cheesy!
…But I hoped you liked it ;)
As I said before, if you really liked this story, try reading my other Anorexia fic, Recovery.
R&R, please and thank you!