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Disclaimer
The TMNT and TMNT universe is under ownership of Nickelodeon/Viacom Entertainment. This is work of fiction for the fans, not for profit.
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Cold Night
by demonsweat
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The night is cold, but I can't feel it.
That last night was like this one. It was freezing; we were all hating it. I couldn't feel my toes, forget trying to fight. Those dudes know they always have us at a disadvantage this time of year, it's like we're constantly getting jumped every time we leave the lair.
So when we got the call, it wasn't really a huge surprise. I mean, it was dumb of him to leave, but whatever – he didn't care. He never does. When he and Leo get into it, he's gotta blow off steam or it makes him crazy, I guess. And there's only one way he knows how, and that's by taking out some bad guys. I always sorta looked up to him for that, because yeah, he's grumpy as hell to deal with sometimes, but he's also a total powerhouse in a fight. I mean, he just lives for it, and I always thought that was pretty rad.
The air stings when I breathe it in. I've been doing this for a week now, sitting on this same ledge on this same, tall building, just hanging out with some gargoyles. I don't even know why I first climbed up here, but it's almost kinda cool. I feel like Batman just chilling up here, all high up and hidden in shadow. It's a good spot, I wonder if he ever came up here. I always wondered where he went – y'know, after an argument. It's not like he would brawl all night long or anything. I know he used to sit and hang on the rooftops by the waterfront, 'cuz we tracked him down a few times over there. He'd try to play it off, but it's easy to tell when he's drunk. He's a lot more mellow, for one thing, heh.
I think he would've liked it up here. It's a real good view of Midtown, and there's always some action going down around here. I just sit here and look out over it all. Pretty quiet tonight. I close my eyes and think back.
I can hear him and Leo arguing – screaming at each other – in the kitchen, over something dumb again. I think one of them burned some toast or something, and it just totally got outta hand like it always does. Isn't that stupid? I mean, what's with those guys. They never used to, I dunno, get so mad like that. It's freaking annoying. I had to turn up the TV to drown them out.
I wish I hadn't done that, now. Looking back, I wish I'd done something, like intervened and stopped them, or something. Maybe tried to stop him from leaving. But even now, I know it probably wouldn't have changed anything, he wouldn't have listened. I probably would've just got punched for getting in his way.
Instead, I just sunk into that dumb game I was playing. I didn't even really pay attention to what was going on. Well, c'mon - it happens all the time. Donnie said later that it was the same old stuff, something rude was said and Leo took it all out of context, accused him of being disrespectful. Then it started getting into the training stuff. Leo went after him about his skills, saying he's been slipping up. And that always does it - he blew, freaked out and broke some shit in the kitchen. He took off a little while after that. See? Same crap as always. We knew he'd come back in a few hours and the two of them would do it all over again in a couple of days.
But he didn't. He didn't come back. Instead, we got a distress call from his phone. And after we got to where the signal was coming from, there was nobody there. His phone was there, and some of his gear – his mask, and his sais. Leo said it was a message, that they had him, that it meant there was still time to find him. Maybe it was just wishful thinking on Leo's part, but I think he really believed it at the time.
I remember it clearer than anything, all of us standing there, shivering, not knowing what to do. Donnie was the first to find his stuff, and dude, his face looked so bad when he finally turned around and told us what it was. There was blood there too, and I just remember Donnie and Leo talking really fast, then both of them jumping up and searching around like crazy, looking for any sign of where they might've taken him. But we didn't find anything. Nothing then, and nothing since.
I just – I didn't know. I guess nobody does, until it happens. I mean, I never thought about it too much to begin with. But yeah, you think about it sometimes. We fight a lot, and the Foot are always after our necks, so it's not exactly the kind of job that's real high in the life expectancy department. I mean, we're ninjas by trade. And I know what that means, but screw it – we're the best, and we always come out on top, right? It's funny. Leo freaks out over every little thing, every detail in what we do, in how we train, even what we eat and dumb shit like that. I sometimes tune him out when he really gets going. I guess I didn't wanna think he was right. I just figured we'd always be cool, because we're so tight with each other, we're such a good team and we watch each other's backs. Mostly, it's the older two looking out for me and Donnie, 'cuz of the age thing, and 'cuz the two of them have this big chip on their shoulders about it. But it's more than that, I know it. They just worry more. Sensei always said the two of them were a lot alike, and freaking out over our safety is definitely one of those things that they share, even though neither one of 'em will admit it.
Well, I dunno, I always thought it was kinda silly to focus on the dark stuff too much. I mean, it doesn't do anything for you, it just makes you feel bad. But y'know, I guess it is always there, a little. Like, we've talked about Master Splinter dying and stuff, 'cuz he's old, and he always says that he's not gonna be around forever. And even though I don't wanna think about that either, it seems easier to accept, in a way. Because he's older, I guess – it's like, something you always know is going to happen. Master says it's ingrained in us to deal with the passing of our elders because that's part of the natural cycle of life, or something. But whatever. I can't really explain it, it just seems not as bad… well, not as bad as this.
There's no way I ever thought it would be like this. There's no way I ever could've imagined how messed up I'd feel without him around.
A week ago, I looked around the lair and knew it was always gonna be like this. Forever. There'd be nobody sitting there on the couch watching horror movies, laughing at the goriest scenes. There was nobody to play video games with me anymore. No one to scratch Klunk just behind his right ear, just the way he likes it. I knew his room would never change. It was gonna be in that same state, forever. The bed wouldn't be slept in, the weights wouldn't move – they'd just collect dust. This was really happening. We didn't win this time, and I was starting to realize we weren't going to.
It's hard, watching the others. That might be the worst part, really. 'Cuz for as bad as I'm feeling, it's real bad to see them. Especially Leo. He hasn't left his room for three days now, and I know he's never gonna stop blaming himself for what happened. At first he was real gung-ho, taking us out around the clock, searching everywhere… but after a while, he just lost it. He gave up, and I guess that's when I did, too.
And Donnie's so sleep-deprived, he can't even follow a conversation with me. He's always been the problem-solver guy in our outfit. There's been so many times, he's busted out with some kinda last minute idea or solution to save the day. But not this time. I don't even know what he's been doing in his lab, but he's got books and papers and photos and crap thrown everywhere. There's some kinda whiteboard with scribbles all over it – it's all crazy nonsense. Maybe it makes sense to him, I have no idea. He keeps pacing around, mumbling and talking to himself. He's just totally gone, in his own world. I have to keep reminding him to eat and drink.
But Sensei is the hardest to watch. He's trying so hard to put on a good face for us, but every word he says, every time I see him… I just feel so bad. It's like he's totally defeated, there's no fight in him. He's always been this thing to me, this idea of something that can't break. He taught me everything I know about being a ninja, about being strong and able to face up to whatever bullshit gets thrown at you. I dunno. It's just too weird seeing him like this. I've got this fear in the back of my head that he's gonna go into his room one of these nights and go to sleep… but he's not gonna wake back up again.
And then there's me. Baby brother Mikey. Everybody always feels the need to look out for me, only I can't let 'em do it this time. This is the real thing, and they're all too screwed up to have to worry about me too. I want 'em to. I want them to tell me that we're still gonna get outta this, find him… I dunno. I just want them to be themselves again, do or say something that feels normal. But there's nothing I can do to help really, except stay outta their way.
So I come up here, freezing my tail off, and I let it go. I'm ashamed of it. I'm a ninja, supposed to be some big hardass warrior. But I can't stop. Every night for a week now, I've come up here on this building with his mask in my hands and I just cry like a stupid baby.
My stomach hurts all the time now. I don't sleep anymore. I can hear my brothers crying in their own rooms, late at night, and it's weird. I didn't know. I didn't know it would be this bad. Nothing this bad has ever happened to us before.
It's so cold. I wonder if he's cold, wherever he is, or if he's even able to still feel it. But I guess I know the truth. He's been gone for three months now, and it's over. We're never gonna find him.
Dammit, Raph. I miss you so much, dude.
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