Disclaimer:

I do not own nor claim to own any aspect of Final Fantasy XIII, including the characters, plot, music or anything else applicable. All rights belong to Square Enix. I do, however, own this story along with Zidiane, the author that gave me this story idea. No other disclaimers will be posted. Please refer to this chapter in the future.

Author's Note:

August 20th, 2012

I have fixed small grammatical and punctuation errors since first uploading this story. As always, thank you for the continued support. I will forever appreciate it.

Sustained By Hate

By: Jenna Duffy

Chapter 1

Lonely Among Us

(Hope)

Why couldn't I have stayed with Light? Why did she make me go with Snow? Doesn't she know how much I hate him? Doesn't she know how much I want to kill him?

All those thoughts and more flew through my mind a million times over as I begrudgingly followed Snow through Palompolum to a spot where we could rest. That fight with the Subjugator had completely exhausted me and I felt like lying down in the middle of the street and passing out. Following Snow was like following a blind man. He had absolutely no idea where he was going; I could have led him to a place that was closer to Felix Heights, but I didn't want to talk to him anymore than I had to. I expected him to ask for directions as he blazed a confusing path through the back alleys at least half a dozen times, but he never did, which wasn't at all surprising. Trudging along behind him and scowling at the back of his head was really the only course of action available to me.

My hands involuntarily bunched into tight fists as I wondered how much longer I would have to wait until I could carry out Operation Nora. I know Light had told me that it was over, but I didn't want it to be. My mother's memory deserved more than just an 'I'm sorry' and 'I wish I could take it back'. Operation Nora would never be over until Snow was dead. Nothing Lightning could say would change that. The fact that she had told me to abort my revenge against him made me feel betrayed. I almost wanted to hate her for that, but I just couldn't; she had done far too much for me.

Snow eventually stumbled upon a lookout area my mom and I used to frequent when I was younger. I leaned against the concrete wall that was still warm from exposure from the sun and considered about telling Snow that we should find somewhere else to rest, but, just as I was about to speak up, I thought better of it. I didn't want to have to suffer through another hour or more of Snow blindly meandering through Palompolum. My self control was already at its end.

My eyes followed Snow as he popped a couple of gil coins into one of the vending machines. A ghost of a smile appeared on my face as I remembered my mom buying me my favorite soda while we watched the sun set together.

"Here," Snow said, offering me a can of, coincidentally, my favorite soda.

I stared at it for a second, seriously considering taking it. I really was thirsty, – and hungry and tired – but I didn't want to be anywhere near him. "I'm not thirsty."

He frowned, looking at the soda in his hand with confusion. "Okay…" he said, staring down at the can like it was going to explain my behavior to him. Then he shrugged his shoulders and cracked it open. "Well, don't want to waste it."

I averted my eyes away from him and decided to look at the sunset instead. My mind dredged up a memory of my mother when I was younger and my stomach twisted into a dozen painful knots. If we would have never gotten stuck in Bodhum I wouldn't be a l'Cie right now and she wouldn't be dead. I would still be a normal kid with a bright future ahead of him. If we had only stayed home, she would have never joined Snow.

My right hand found Light's survival knife, my fingers curling around the cold metal firmly. My eyes found Snow as he was taking a long drag from the soda can. Suddenly, when I looked at the large martial artist in that instant, a strange impulse to forget about Operation Nora washed over me. He was so carefree and oblivious of his own doom that I wasn't so sure if I should follow through, but the memory of watching my mom fall into the black abyss of the Hanging Edge quickly shoved that feeling away.

"I can't – " I mumbled, pushing away from the wall. My gaze found Snow and I grit my teeth. "Snow? What do you plan to do? I need to know."

He turned at the sound of my voice and grinned. "I told you. Save Serah, protect Cocoon and have myself a big happy family. Still, it's a long road ahead. Or maybe not so long," he said as he looked down at his brand. "Whatever happens, things will work themselves out. Even if you're l'Cie, you've gotta keep fighting." He threw the empty soda can at a trash receptacle, a cocky smile forming on his face when it dropped inside.

My face screwed up in disgust. I had a feeling he was going to say something like that. His hero bit was a joke. He was living in a fantasy world. It was like he had been travelling with blinders on since we were turned into l'Cie, like all of this was some sort of game.

"And what if that gets people around you involved? What if your actions end up ruining someone's life?" I could tell that my words were having an effect on him by the expression on his face. My breath caught in my throat as the alarm bells signaling the start of Operation Nora went off in my head.

This is it! I thought, balling my hands into fists to keep them from shaking.

"What if someone dies? What then, Snow?"

"I…" he mumbled, stumbling backwards.

"How do you pay for what you've done?" I asked, my voice growing louder. My whole body was quivering with anticipation now and I could feel my l'Cie magic pushing at the edges of my mind, begging to be released.

"I can't, all right?" Snow bellowed as he whirled around and slammed his hand down on the railing. "There is nothing that can make something like that right again. When someone's dead, when someone's gone, words are useless."

My mouth dropped open, dumbfounded by what he had just said. He wasn't a hero at all! He was just a coward. My stomach did flip-flops as the thought of my mom, the strongest person I knew, gave her life fighting alongside someone that was too weak to face his own problems. "So that's it? People die and you just run away?"

"I know! It's all my fault!" he replied, his shoulders bunching up in shame and guilt. "But I don't know how to fix it! Where do you start? What do you say? All I can do is go forward. Keep fighting and surviving until I find the answers I need."

I felt the weight of Light's survival knife in my back pocket more than ever now. My heart began to race and I swore I could feel the seconds ticking by until my revenge would be complete.

"There are no answers! You're running from what you deserve!" I exclaimed, my feet carrying me forward a few steps. My magic was now pulsing beneath my skin in time with the beat of my heart. It was palpable in the air around me and it took all my control to keep it from bursting forth.

"Well, why don't you tell me what I deserve," Snow snarled, his voice savage as he looked over his shoulder at me.

"The same fate!" My body convulsed and I welcomed the energy that was seething inside me. I bent almost completely over backwards as the magic exploded out of my chest. I saw fireworks behind my eyelids and I thought I heard Snow yell in the background. Once the magic dissipated into the air my hand immediately found the knife in my pocket. I swiftly flicked the blade out as I walked toward the edge of the plateau, biting back the smirk that wanted to crawl across my face when I saw him hanging onto the edge for dear life.

"Nora Estheim," I began, my voice hollow as I looked down at him. "She was my mother. And she died because of you!"

"You!" Snow announced, his eyes widening in realization. "You're the one she meant!"

I paused momentarily but shook his words from my mind as I flung the knife above my head. Snow eyed it warily, his mouth agape, and time seemed to slow down. My heart was beating like a bass drum in my ears, slow and methodical, even though I knew it should have been racing.

This is it! my mind screamed, making my breath catch in my throat. Do it! Do it now! My grip on the knife tightened and Snow's wide, terrified eyes met mine as I thrust the knife downward. I held my breath, all my thoughts going immediately to my mother. All the weeks of dreaming about this moment was finally going to come to fruition. I love you, Mom, I thought, unshed tears burning behind my eyes.

Snow ducked his head as the knife steadily approached him, but his futile attempt to save himself was all for naught. He wasn't going to be able to run away or make excuses to get out of it. It was over for him and I was certain he knew it.

I slammed the knife into his back and heard him cry out in agony; my revenge was at hand! I was so preoccupied, in fact, that I didn't notice my inertia had begun to carry me over the edge as well. I tried to steady myself, but it was too late. I flipped over Snow and tumbled through the air like a rag doll, my mind reeling as I tried to think of anything I could do to survive this. If I was lucky, I was only going to break a few bones and I would be even luckier if I would be able to heal myself once I landed. I was hoping my l'Cie powers would save me. So I closed my eyes, clenched my teeth and hoped for the best.

After falling through the air for a few more weightless seconds, I crashed through a glass overhang, gasping as it felt like someone had kicked me in the back, landing on another one with a thud. I almost rolled off of it, but I gripped the edge tightly with both hands then looked up to see if Snow was still hanging above me.

Snow's limp body went sailing past me before I even had time to look up. I watched as he slammed into a pile of wooden crates, his body making a sickening crunch as it hit the ground. I peered over the edge of the overhang, holding my breath and waiting for him to move. The seconds turned into minutes and he remained motionless. I jumped off the glass overhang, landing awkwardly and falling to my knees. I hissed as the pain in my back began to radiate down my legs. I considered myself lucky that I hadn't broken anything. My legs began to tremble as I rose from the ground and cautiously approached him. As I got closer, I could see the knife sticking out of his back and my stomach starting doing sickening somersaults when I saw all the blood that had stained his trench coat. An unusual feeling passed over me as I kneeled down beside him, a feeling that I couldn't really put words to. I gingerly curled my fingers around the hilt of the knife and pulled it out of his back. I cringed, expecting some kind of reaction from him, but he remained still.

When I rolled him over the sick feeling I had experienced earlier intensified tenfold. His blue eyes were dull, lifeless, staring up at the sky with an empty gaze. I lifted a shaking hand to his neck and checked for a pulse. His heart wasn't beating.

"He's dead," I whispered, falling back against a crate in shock.

Operation Nora was complete, it was finally over. I couldn't fight off the smug expression that curled my mouth upwards. My mother's memory could finally be put to rest. Suddenly, I was overcome by grief and I pulled my knees up to my chest and clenched my hands in front of my face. My body began to tremble and the tears that had burned my eyes earlier poured out, blazing hot trails down my cheeks.

"He's dead," I repeated, a feeling of closure settling over me as I hesitantly looked back at Snow.

Try as I might I couldn't take my eyes away from Snow's empty stare. The repercussions of what I had just done hit me full in the face like a cold slap. I was glad that justice had finally been handed out, but I hadn't thought ahead to what I would do after Snow was out of the picture.

How am I going to explain this to everyone? I thought. How am I going to tell Light?

Fear closed around my heart with an icy grip at that thought. Fooling everyone else would be a lot easier than fooling her. I suddenly felt sick, knowing in the back of my head that I was in deep trouble. I couldn't let Lightning or anyone else know what I had done. Ever.

My gaze somehow broke away from Snow and went to the bloodied knife I was still holding. I wiped the blood off of the blade with a corner of his trench coat then placed it in my back pocket. I could feel my knees shaking as I got up and, as I looked down at Snow again, I began to experience strange mixed feelings. I still thought I was justified in my decision, but I couldn't help but feel like there could have been a different solution.

The rest of the walk to my house was a long one. Snow's dull eyes wouldn't leave my mind no matter how hard I tried to think of something else. I knew that I was going to be having nightmares for a long time.

When Felix Heights came into view, coming up with a believable excuse for why Snow wasn't with me jumped to the forefront of my mind. I could already see Lightning's face in my head and I knew keeping this secret from her was going to be extremely hard. I definitely had my work cut out for me.

My heart sank into the bottom of my stomach when my house slowly materialized at the top of the immense staircase. Lightning was standing in the middle of my front yard, her arms crossed stiffly over her chest. I knew she was looking for me and Snow and I felt a cold sweat start to form on the back of my neck.

Saying that I was nervous would be an extreme understatement. I approached her with my hands clenched into fists at my sides, dreading what my future held now. Lightning was smart. I knew she was going to figure out something was wrong sooner or later. I just needed to be prepared for when it happened.