A/N: Hey gang…back again. Don't ask me how this happened…it just did…I guess I can blame it on Quistie64...I mentioned an idea and she sorta egged me on and then half way through the original story I 'flashed' on a song and then….bang…you are looking at the result. This is probably as close to a song fic as I'll ever get…and there is a little something in here for those of you who asked about an incident in Walkabout…also, for all you Shaters…I started Shnuff fic community…feel free to add anything you think belongs. As usual…no beta…and , I don't own Chuck or anything else mentioned here that is famous or semi-famous…please don't sue me…it would really be a wasted venture. JT
Daniel Shaw Vs. A Hot Date
Chuck Bartowski was seated at his usual place at the conference table. On his right, Agent Sarah Walker was slowly sorting through the stack of papers sitting in front of her. On his left, Colonel John Casey sat slowly drumming his fingers on the table top, an un-opened file sitting in front of him. All three of them seemed eager to look anywhere except at the video screen in front of them where the image of General Diane Beckman seemed to be struggling to maintain her composure. The silence, which seemed to have been stretching on for hours but which had, in fact, only been going on for about two minutes was suddenly broken by an exasperated sigh.
"Team Bartowski" the General said after finishing her best 'put upon' sigh, "who would like to explain to me why Special Agent Daniel Shaw is currently in Westside Memorial's intensive care burn unit?"
After everyone at the table had cleared their throats at least twice, Chuck finally made eye contact with his 'boss'. "Well, General…it all started two days ago when I had flash…about some information that…uh…somebody might have…about something."
"How very illuminating, Mr. Bartowski" the General responded. "Perhaps you could be a little more informative if you dressed in a black uni-tard, painted your face white and told me everything, with just hand gestures…do you think you could arrange that?"
"Well, if you really think that's necessary" Chuck answered with an obvious look of distaste on his face. "But I have to be honest…I find mimes sorta creepy…ma'am"
A snort from Chuck's left side got the General's attention. "I'm so sorry, Colonel Casey" the General said, the sarcasm unbelievably thick. "Would you like to volunteer to perform for us. Given your history with mimes, I'm sure that you would just love to take over for Mr. Bartowski." Sarah picked that moment to clear her own throat, insuring her the General's attention. "Yes, Agent Walker…you have something to add?"
"Uh…no ma'am. I was curious about Colonel Casey's reaction, that's all."
"Ah yes…you weren't with us for that little episode. Colonel Casey…would you care to explain?"
Suddenly finding the table top of exceptional interest, Casey offered a weak sounding "No ma'am".
"Well, we'll get this out of the way and then, maybe, we can get back to explaining to me why one of my top agents has burns over his head, face, neck and shoulders. Now, as I recall, the Colonel was visiting a large theme park, with his parents, when he was separated from them and then, according to police reports filed after the incident, the Colonel was accosted by three mimes and an individual wearing a mouse suit. The report stated that the mimes refused to say a word and the 'mouse' ended up ratting on the entire group. John refused to speak for almost a year. One night, while watching a movie with his parents, he started speaking again. Who would have ever believed that Bedtime For Bonzo had such healing properties. Now that we have that cleared up, can we get back to your report on the incident involving Agent Shaw?"
Agent Walker and Chuck Bartowski had joined John Casey in table staring, the only difference being the slight shaking of their shoulders as they struggled to hold in their laughter. The sound of General Diane Beckman clearing her throat, repeatedly, finally got the attention of the three people at the table.
"Alright…Agent Walker…perhaps you can shed some light on this…how about we start with the doctor's report. According to the physician in charge, Agent Shaw was wearing a blonde wig, a false mustache and a false slo patch…"
"I believe it was a fake 'soul' patch, General" Sarah offered.
"Thank you so much for that enlightening correction, Agent Walker. Now, any idea why he was wearing these items?"
"He wanted to look like a total douche" Chuck said under his breath.
"What was that, Mr. Bartowski?"
"I said, he wanted to pull a total ruse…"
"Well, of course he would…if was undercover…my question remains, why?"
"General" Sarah started, "Chuck flashed and after reporting the flash to Agent Shaw, he decided that he would be the one to go undercover to try and get more information. Casey and I both volunteered but Agent Shaw insisted, saying that with the proper disguise he could get in, get the information and then get out again."
"And I offered to help him select a good disguise" Chuck said. "I thought that I would learn something by helping such an experienced agent."
"And you thought that the blonde wig with a brunette mustache and 'soul' patch was a good look?"
"Well, General…it was a good look for the bar he was going to…for the meeting"
"And according to your reports, that was The Blue Oyster, correct?"
"Yes ma'am" Casey said with a cough while Chuck suddenly bent down to retrieve his pen that he'd dropped.
"And, Mr. Bartowski, you described Agent Shaw's overall appearance as being, and I quote, 'sorta Chris Gaines like', is that correct?"
"Yes ma'am, that's correct. You see, Chris Ga…"
"I'm perfectly aware of who Chris Gaines is…I have his greatest hits CD."
"But, General, Chris Gaines is actually…"
"That bloated country hack who screwed up that wonderful woman's career by forcing her to marry him? I well aware of that. I've even forgiven him for those horrible country albums…he had to release them so he would be taken seriously when he did that wonderful album…wait a minute…why do I get the feeling that the three of you keep trying to distract me?"
"Sorry, General" they all said, almost in unison.
"Alright, back to the report. Now, according to the doctor, not only is Agent Shaw suffering from burns, it also appears that most of the bones in his face were broken, can any of you explain that…I've read the reports but I have to hear it from you."
"Well, General, it seems that after Agent Shaw…uh…caught fire, one of the patrons in the bar was a smoke jumper who'd just returned from a training mission. He still had his folding shovel/tool with him and…he decided to use it to help extinguish the blaze. We believe that his over indulgence in Jaegermeister may have led to his judgment…and depth perception being …off"
"Oh really, Mr. Bartowski? May I also assume that you believe that it was alcohol that lead the other young man to attempt to extinguish the blaze using, and I'm quoting here, 'nature's fire hose' ?"
Casey and Sarah both suddenly started coughing while Chuck struggled to maintain his straight face. "Yes ma'am" he managed to choke out, "I would guess that's why that happened…and according to some witnesses, gross factor aside, 'nature's fire hose' seemed to help extinguish the blaze."
"Moving on…the reports also state that an individual named Richard…"
"His name was Rico…"
"Ah, yes…Rico. This individual punched Agent Shaw in the back of the head, while wearing a quartz ring…"
"Actually, Rico, he was wearing a diamond ring…" Sarah added, finally back in control of herself.
"And the reason that this Rico was able to get the drop on Agent Shaw was because…?
"Well General, it appears that Agent Shaw was speaking to an individual who was seated next to him…" Chuck said as he scanned the papers in front of him.
"Yes…some one named Lawrence…and this Rico character was there to see Lawrence"
"Actually, his name was Lola…"
"And he was an entertainer?" the General asked.
"..he was a showgirl…" Casey said, struggling to keep the tears from his eyes.
"And he was still in costume?" Diane Beckman said, paying more attention to the report in her hand than the people on the monitor in front of her.
"Yes…a dress cut down to there…" Chuck said.
"With yellow feathers in his hair" added Sarah.
"And don't forget the pie" Casey said, obviously losing his battle with his tears.
"The pie, Colonel…how is that important?"
"It was a meringue…a…"Casey coughed out before suddenly bending over to look for a pen he'd dropped.
"I fail to see the importance of the pie…Agent Walker, please continue."
"Yes ma'am…well it seems that Lola had just finished his shift and had come into the Blue Oyster to visit his boyfriend, Tony, who worked behind the bar."
"Finished his shift where?"
"Well, General, Lola was part of the 'review', at the Gropa-Cabana…"
"…the hottest spot north of Havana" Sarah finished for Chuck who suddenly seemed to be having trouble breathing.
"So, let me see if I have this right. Tony worked behind the bar while Lola was a showgirl. Rico came into the bar to see Lola and attacked Agent Shaw? How did the fire start?"
"Well, it appears that Agent Shaw had just taken a sip of his drink when Rico punched him which caused him to spit his drink into a lit candle that was sitting on the bar. The resulting flames started Agent Shaw's soul patch on fire. Lola tried to help by throwing her Shirley Temple drink in his face but…"
"Mr. Bartowski… a Shirley Temple is ginger ale and a cherry…why didn't that put out the small fire?"
"Uh…General…the drink was a Shirley Temple Black Out…ginger ale, cherry and…151 Rum…it is actually highly flammable…Agent Shaw just went whoosh…"
"Whoosh?…"
"Uh…yes ma'am…he went up in flames and that's when he drew his weapon. He thought he was being attacked and he drew his gun and fired blindly…"
"And that's how Lola lost his Tony?" General Beckman asked after looking back up from her report.
"Uh…yes ma'am…I also heard that he lost his job so…he'll never be a star." Chuck said, joining Casey in giving up his battle against tears.
"So…Team…this was all just a terrible tragedy?" General Diane Beckman asked, a puzzled look on her face. "It all sounds so familiar…well, Agents…and Mr. Bartowski…I can see that you're all very upset over Agent Shaw's injuries…I'll let you go…please, take a couple personal days…I'll expect to see you back here in two days."
The moment the General cut the connection, Team Bartowski burst out laughing, all of them no longer able to keep the tears from rolling down their cheeks. Almost five minutes later Chuck finally managed to speak.
"Guys…I feel sorta guilty…I did fake a flash, after all."
"Chuck, that's nice" Sarah managed to say, "but we went along with it. Casey suggested The Blue Oyster and I helped you select the disguise…it was just bad luck and really, really terrible timing for Shaw"
"And don't forget, moron…the guys a douche bag!" Casey added.
"Yeah…ok…I guess…but what about the General? She looked really upset."
"Chuck" Sarah said as she looked into his eyes, "it's so sweet that you're, well…that you're so sweet but Daniel Shaw had been hitting on me for weeks and I'm sorta glad he's out of our hair. Now, if it will help, I'll take you out to dinner…sound ok?"
"Yeah Sarah…that actually sounds great…but, could we listen to the playback on that report again? Please?"