Title: Declarations and Heartbreak
Author: Tonya
Disclaimer: I still do not own anything in relation to AtS.
Spoilers: Up to "Waiting in the Wings" (S3)
Feedback: I will happily do an interpretive dance entitled "Why I love Feedback" if you like…
Distribution: Just email me and tell me where it's going.
Summary: Angel tells Cordy what he's feeling.
Author's Note: This is a "what if?" story. What if Groo had never interrupted Angel, and he had been able to finish his thoughts. This is just one of many ways it could play out in my mind. By the way, the actual script is in italics and then moves into my work.
**********
"Cordy, you and I… we've been working together for a long time. What I mean is, you have become a truly extraordinary woman. I know we haven't always gotten along, but I think that we, you know… we…""Angel, what are you trying to say?"
"I think… Cordelia, I'm in love with you."
Cordelia stared silently at him for a moment. After what felt like an eternity to Angel, she replied, "Jeez, the aftereffects of that room must last longer on demons than humans."
Angel replied with a nervous laugh. "I'm not possessed by some spirit, Cordy."
"Are you sure?" Cordelia asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Cordelia," Angel replied, the determination evident in his voice. "I'm in love with you."
Cordelia tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ears as she stammered, "When… when did this happen?"
Clearing his throat, Angel said, "It's been brewing for a while, actually."
"Really. Okay… I don't know what to really say. I mean, I'm a little stunned here."
"I just thought that after what happened with us tonight…."
Cordelia shook her head in response. "That wasn't us. That was just some ghost using us to re-enactment some tormented past. Yes, our bodies were there, but we weren't. That was not us, Angel."
"I know, but it got me thinking…"
"No. No thinking. Thinking is bad, okay? Thinking leads to trouble."
"Cordy…"
"Hey, kiddies, how was the ballet that I wasn't invited to?" Lorne asked as he came down the staircase.
As he approached the two, Lorne's smile faded as he sensed the tension in the room. He cleared his throat uneasily as he asked, "So, am I to assume that it wasn't good?"
"I gotta go home," Cordelia replied quickly as she began to walk away.
"Are you sure?" Lorne called out to her. "I was just getting ready to make some of my famous tropical drinks."
Cordelia stopped in the doorway and turned back to face the two men. She locked eyes with Angel as she replied, "I gotta go… think."
With that, Cordelia turned and walked out of the hotel.
"Well, I wonder why she had to skedaddle so fast?" Lorne asked with a quiet laugh. He turned back Angel who simply frowned. "It wasn't the ballet that went bad, was it?" Lorne asked, reading the vampire's expression.
Angel sighed as he replied, "I just need to get some rest."
"But Angel…" Lorne began as Angel made his way up the staircase.
"Goodnight, Lorne," Angel called back gruffly as he disappeared around the corner.
Lorne simply looked around the lobby and sighed.
*********
Dressed in sweat bottoms and a midriff top, Cordelia hung her dress back up on its original hanger. She angrily brushed her hand over the dirty spots as she wondered if she could pretend that the dress was actually sold to her in this condition. With a disgusted sigh, she tossed the dress onto her bed. She sat down on the carpet at the foot of her bed.
It was during times like these when Cordelia wished she had a girlfriend, someone who had no connection to the rest of her friends. Someone she could call up and cry, rant, and laugh with. Someone who would be an impartial judge. Someone who would whole-heartedly agree with her when she declared that men sucked. Someone who could give her advice when she needed guidance.
Tonight, Cordelia needed that friend more than she ever had before. She needed to share with someone. To tell them about Angel's heart-stopping revelation. Tell them about how his declaration of love opened her eyes up to possibilities she had been denying herself for some time. She needed that person.
Sighing and blinking away the tears that were forming in her eyes, Cordelia glanced around her room. "Dennis, do me a favor. I'm gonna talk. Can you just listen?"
In response, a soft breeze passed through the bedroom.
"Thanks," Cordelia replied as she pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her chin upon them.
**********
Angel finished checking on Connor and walked over to his bed, flopping down upon his back. "Idiot!" he growled at himself as he stared up at he ceiling.
After everything with Buffy, Angel had promised himself that he would never do this again. He had told himself that he would never open up like that again, that he wouldn't let another woman get as close to him as she had. Only bad things happened to those he loved, and he had sworn that he would never place anyone in that situation again. Never again.
Then she had to come into his life. The brunette with the million dollar smile and the sparkling personality. He had let Cordelia into his life because she had needed him as much as he had needed her. How was he to know that one day his best friend would suddenly turn into the woman who he loved with every part of his being.
And now he had sent her away with five simple words: "I'm in love with you."
He had broken the promise to himself, and now he was going to have to pay for it.
Angel's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of his bedroom door slowly opening. Without even sitting up to greet his guest, Angel replied, "Go away, Lorne."
"Angle, sweetie, look…"
Angel finally sat up with a heavy sigh. "Lorne, I'm not in the mood."
"Obviously. The whole the-entire-world-hates-me thing you got going on was the first signal for me," he replied, stepping inside the room and closing the door.
"Do you not understand the words go away?"
"I understand them. I also understand that something bad happened between you and Cordelia."
Angel stood, angrily removing his tuxedo jacket. He threw it into a corner of his room as he replied, "Not that it's any of your business, but yeah. Something bad did happen between us. So bad that I don't even think the word bad fully covers it."
"Okay…"
"And just for future reference, I am never listening to you and your damn Pylean theories again."
"Oh," Lorne replied with a knowing nod as he finally realized what was happening. "You told her, huh?"
"Yeah, I told her."
"And?"
"And?" Angel replied with an annoyed scoff. "You saw the and for yourself, Lorne. She ran out of here like I was trying to kill her."
"Okay. So it wasn't the world's best response…"
Angel replied with a dismissive laugh.
"But it doesn't have to be the final response. She even said that she has to go home and think."
"Yeah, she has to go home and think about how much I've completely screwed up what we had. She has to go think about all the pain I put Buffy through and how I could do the same to her. She has to go think about trying to live a normal life."
"Maybe not. Maybe she's gone home to think about how you won't do any of those things. Look, Angelcakes, kyerumption happens differently for everyone…"
Angel approached Lorne with a growl. In response, Lorne backed away and against the closed door. With Lorne cornered, Angel replied grimly, "If you use that word one more time, I will literally rip your tongue from your throat."
Lorne gave a nervous laugh in response. "Consider that word completely out of my vocabulary."
Angel rolled his eyes slightly in response and walked away from the demon with a frown.
"I'm just saying," Lorne replied as soon as Angel was a comfortable distance away. "It works differently for different people. For some people, it's instant. For others, it takes time. Maybe your case is the one that takes a little longer than we all hoped. But fate's weird that way. You can't control it. It just happens when it wants to."
Angel sat on the edge of his bed, sighing.
"So maybe fate didn't show up to the party tonight," Lorne continued. "But maybe someday soon, she'll come knocking at your door."
With that, someone knocked upon Angel's bedroom door.
Angel and Lorne exchanged a surprised glance as they listened to the knock.
After a moment, Lorne said, "Maybe someday a million dollars will just appear before you." When a suitcase of unmarked bills did not appear before him, Lorne frowned, "Well, I just get my hopes all up and crush them, don't I?"
Another knocking happened upon Angel's door.
Lorne turned and opened the door. Cordelia stood on the other side, and both appeared surprised to see the other.
Lorne turned from Cordelia to Angel as he said, "And that is my cue to leave." He squeezed by Cordelia as she entered the bedroom and closed the door behind herself.
"Cordelia, I'm sorry. I…" Angel began as he got to his feet.
Cordelia held up her hand to quiet him. "Angel, I have this whole big monologue thing prepared, and it really ruins it when you speak first. So can I just say my piece?"
Angel simply nodded in response.
"Angel, I've risked a lot of things in my life. Mostly here in LA. But there are some things I just can't risk. I can't risk putting the others in danger. I can't risk the life I've made for myself here. I can't risk losing Connor. I can't risk losing you and what we have…"
"You won't lose me, Cordy," Angel answered gently.
"Could you really guarantee me that? Could you actually promise me that?" Cordelia asked, trying her best to play stoic but her emotions deceiving her as her voice began to break and the tears began to fall from her eyes. "Could you promise that it will never happen? That one night I won't turn over to put my arm around you, and you'll be gone? You'll be gone, and he'll be in your place? Looking like you, smelling like you, talking like you, but not you?"
Angel studied the carpet for a moment before looking back up at her, "No. No, I can't."
"I've seen you at your worst, Angel. I've seen what you've done to people. People who used to mean the world to you. I was there when you went on your let's-torture-Buffy-til-she-snaps rampage, remember? I've seen the badness up close and personal."
"I know…"
"But I've also seen the real you—the champion, the friend, the father. I've seen all the good things you've done for others, all the good things you've done for me. I've told you numerous times that you're not that demon, that you and Angelus or not the same man, and you're not. But…"
"But what?"
Cordelia wiped at her flushed cheeks as she replied with a shaky voice, "But I don't want to be that girl. The girl who can never be with the man she loves…"
"Cordelia…" Angel began as he approached her.
Cordelia put her hand up against his chest, stopping him within an arm's length of her. "Maybe Buffy could do it, but I can't. I'm not that strong, Angel. I can't just have part of you. I can't just stop touching you and being with you because of what happens when you finally do get a happy. I can't take that risk. Because I know I'll fail the test. I'll be selfish, and I won't stop loving you. My selfishness would just lead to heartbreak and pain for everyone. Because once I start loving you, Angel, I won't be able to just stop and give you up. I don't want to love you…"
Angel swallowed hard in response, trying his best not to cry, even as his seer broke down in front of him. Even as she said those hurtful words. He would not cry. He couldn't. He had to accept what was happening. If this was how fate wanted things, he would have to learn to accept it.
Cordelia removed her hand from his chest and leaned back against the door with a sob. She slid down the door as the tears continued to fall with no hesitation. She pulled her knees up to her chest as she cried, "I don't want to love you."
Angel simply nodded as his stoicism began to fade away. The tears he had been fighting so hard to hold in finally began to trickle down his face.
He knelt before her on the carpet as she looked up at him with her reddened eyes. "But it's too late for that…" she sniffled.
"What?"
"I don't want to love you, but it's a little too late for that," she replied through quiet whimpers. "It's a little too late for that now. Too late."
Angel placed a hand to her warm cheek in response. Cordelia stared at him for a moment before leaning over and wrapping her arms tightly around the vampire's neck. He wrapped his own arms around her warm body, pulling her closer into his embrace.
"I hate you for making me love you," Cordelia sobbed into his shoulder.
Gently running a hand through her loose hair, Angel sighed as he replied, "So do I, Cordy."