Not Enough

No, Mother. I just realised that I can never be enough for her.

Don't own Castle, never will. Pity.

Martha Rodgers came downstairs to find her son placing his suitcase and laptop bag by the front door. He was dressed as sharply as ever, with not even a hair out of place. But his shoulders were slumped as if the weight of the world was on them.

"Richard? What's going on?" she questioned as she approached him. He turned towards her, and she swallowed a gasp at the blankness in his face. Her beloved son, who was always so animated and alive, looked bleak as he raised his eyes to his mother. His beautiful blue eyes, which were normally dancing with mischief, were grey and red-rimmed. "What on earth has happened? Is it Katherine?"

"Nothing has happened, mother," he choked out the words, "but, yes, it concerns Kate."

"Is she alright?"

"As far as I know, yes, she's fine." as he turned and went back into the study. Martha knew how sensitive Richard was, and was wondering how best to phrase her next question when he came out of the study carrying three file boxes.

"What's in there, Richard?"

He drew in a deep breath as he placed the boxes beside the door. Exhaling, he took an envelope and a far smaller box out of his pocket, and placed them on top of the file boxes. He drew in another deep breath, and answered her question. "It's all of Kate's things. I won't be needing to keep them here anymore."

"Have you broken up with her? Again?"

Martha's heart broke as she saw the tears start down his face. "No, mother. I just realised that I can never be enough for her."

"I beg your pardon, Richard. What exactly do you meant by that?" she asked as she took him by the hand and led him to the sofa, where she pushed softly on his shoulders to make him sit. Once he was settled, she put her left arm around him, gripped his right hand with her own, and quietly said, "Tell me what happened."

He used his left hand to wipe away the tears, exerting every bit of control to try to remain calm. He had never been so glad to have his mother around as he did right now. "After Meredith's visit in February, Kate started to withdraw from me. She did it slowly, but I noticed. I don't know what Meredith said, but it obviously bothered Kate."

Martha huffed a snort of derision. "That harpy could see that you were happy - both of you - so she poked her nose in." She felt her son nod once, so she asked, "Did you ask Kate?"

"Of course I did, mother. I asked if everything was okay, if I'd done something wrong, if I said something wrong. Every question got the same answer - 'it's okay, Castle, it's something I need to work out, no, I need to do this myself'. Then on Monday, I heard her talking to Lanie in the morgue." Rick wiped his eyes again, and took a deep breath before he went on with his story. "She said to Lanie, 'How can I trust him when it's obvious that I don't really know him at all?' I had to get away from the door before I made a noise, but to hear Kate say that, mother - it destroyed me!" He cried silently, and leant into his mother, trying to get some kind of physical comfort.

The two of them sat there, Richard weeping onto his mother's shoulder as he last did when she told him that he would be going to boarding school. Martha stroked her son's hair, knowing that it worked back then, so it couldn't hurt now.

"So, what's with the bags?" she asked.

Richard sat up, retrieved a handkerchief from his pocket, and cleaned himself up a little before responding. "On Monday, after I pulled myself together, I called Paula, and asked her to arrange a book tour ASAP. So, I'm leaving for Vancouver today, then going across Canada. Paula was trying to arrange signings and appearances in Europe as well." He took a breath, and the way it stuttered in and out was indicative of how crushed her son was. "I need you to do something for me, mother."

"Of course, Richard. Anything you want."

He pulled another envelope from his pocket. "This is my itinerary so far." he said as he handed it to her. "I've sent Alexis email with the same details. I'm not sure how long I'll be away, so if Beckett shows up, just give her the boxes."

"Including the ring box?"

He nodded, and the sheen of tears in his eyes grew again. "You know that I bought that ring for her before she was shot?" Martha shook her head, and hugged him gently, and motioned for him to continue. "I've been in love with her for years, mother. She was going to be my third time lucky, but all this time, she's had one foot out the door, just like she always has done. I need to put some space between her and I, and I can't do that if I stay here, being her partner. I can't keep pretending that she hasn't hurt me when every step away, every secret kept, is like a knife to my heart." He leant into his mother briefly, then shook his head and stood up. At his mother's questioning glance, he added, "I will never love anyone else like I do Kate Beckett...but I need to go back to my real job. No more following cops around," he said as he moved towards the door. "No more Nikki Heat after this next book is completed."

Martha stood then, and moved to stand with her boy. She kissed him on the cheek, and said, "Whatever you need, kiddo. You can count on me." as she kissed his other cheek.

Finally, she saw a very small smile, and saw that beautiful blue come back into his eyes. "I know, mother. Thank you," he said as he returned her kisses.

"When Katherine comes, do you want me to tell her where you are?"

He huffed out a funny sound, somewhere between a laugh and a sob. "I doubt that she'll bother showing up, given that our relationship has always been about her, but you can do whatever you feel best about." He wiped his eyes again. Martha watched as as his emotions ran amok on his face, then he seemed to settle and calm. "Just tell Beckett that I love her, always." It was the first time that she had seen a genuine grin on his face since this encounter began, but it disappeared just as quickly. He checked his watch, and said, "The car will be downstairs now, so I need to get going." He walked to the front door and picked his bags up. Richard turned to his mother, and kissed her cheek again. "I love you, mother."

"Love you too, kiddo. Be safe!" she said as he walked out the door. She closed it behind him, and walked back to the sofa, where she fell heavily into its soft depths.

It was quite some time before Martha Rodgers was able to get on with her day.