AN: I sugest listening to Fix Me by Marianas Trench while you read :)
Summary: Dan decides he can't go on living anymore and gives Phil his goodbye letter in person.
Warnings: Self-harm & suicide
Dan's hand shook as he started writing, his penmanship worse than usual in his haste to get his thoughts and confessions onto the paper. School ended in 15 minutes and he wasn't sure if he would have time to finish Phil's letter; he had to, he couldn't deal with another day of hell simply because he wasn't fast enough.
Dear Phil,
Thank you so much for caring about me. Thank you for being there when no one else was. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for everything. There is no way I would ever be able to repay you for the things that you've done for me.
I wouldn't have lasted this long if it weren't for you. Every day I wake up and the first thing I think is, "I get to see Phil today and he will hug me and tell me he cares and tell me he's happy I'm here." But that's not enough anymore, waking up is getting harder, gathering the energy to get up and do something is nearly impossible. I can't keep doing this. I'm done. I give up.
This is not your fault. This no one's fault but my own. If I wasn't so disgusting and pathetic and worthless this wouldn't be happening.
Please don't think you could have helped me more.
Don't think that if you had just gone home with me this wouldn't have happened.
Please don't miss me.
I'm not worth it. I was never worth it.
I tried to convince myself that I was. I tried to convince myself that there was some type of redeemable quality in me.
I tried to convince myself that it's possible to fix what's been broken but I've come to the realization that I'm not broken, I'm shattered. Trying to fix me is like trying to glue a shattered glass vase together again, you can try for as long as you want but there's really no point.
You are so amazing you mean everything to me. Never forget that. Don't ever think even for a second that I didn't care about you because I did I cared about you more than anything else in the whole world. That's why I'm doing this; I'm saving you from me. I'm saving you from trying to pick up the pieces and trying to put me back together. There's no point and I don't want you to waste your time on me.
I know you're hanging out with PJ and Chris after school today so I know you won't have time to read this and when you do please don't cry. Please don't run and try and save me. This is what I want need.
I'm scared Phil. Was I wrong? Is there such a thing as heaven? If there is am I still allowed in if I kill myself?
Please just do me one favor, do this one thing just for me. Forget about me. Don't sit down at lunch and think Dan should be in that seat. Don't walk down the street and look at my house and think about all the sleepovers we had. Forget about me, I wasn't all that great anyway.
I love you so much.
I am so so so so sorry.
I love you,
Dan
Dan put his pen down and looked at the clock; he had 3 minutes left of class. He realized that this would be the last time he walked out of this room. This would be the last time he walked home. This would be the last time he hugged Phil. This would be the last time he said goodbye to everyone; he better make it count.
He shoved all of his things into his backpack and folded the letter until you couldn't see any of the writing, clutching it tightly in his hand as he slung his bag over his shoulder and walked out of the classroom. He walked quickly towards Phil's class room; he had to give him the letter today. There was no way he could make it 'til tomorrow and the thought of not saying goodbye to Phil properly killed him.
He got there just as Phil walked out with Chris and PJ, "Hey guys," His voice wasn't as nervous or shaky as he thought it would be; it sounded normal, good it made it easier to lie.
Chris slung an arm around Dan's shoulders, "Hey Dan, are you hanging out with us today? We're heading over to Shake Away and then PJ's."
"No I got this huge essay to finish for Government and my mom said she would kill me if I didn't get full credit because I turned it in late again." Dan faked a smile and pretended to look at what time it was, "You guys should get going, Shake Away is going to be really crowded and you guys are going to have to wait for your drinks forever."
They all knew he was right and said goodbye waving like they always did before turning to walk away. Panic set in for a second, they couldn't just walk away. Didn't they know that this was the last time they would talk to Dan? How could they not want to make it special? A split second later he realized how stupid that thought was; how could they know? He wasn't about to tell them; they would just try and stop him. But he still wanted this last goodbye to be a good one.
Dan reached out and grabbed both PJ's and Chris' wrists, pulling them both into a hug. "I love you guys. You're just so funny and nice and cool and just all around amazing."
"Aw Dan I love you too!" Chris hugged him that way that only he could, so tightly and closely, it always made you walk away with the feeling that you mattered.
"Um… okay. Love you too." PJ looked confused, that was to be expected they normally saved the hugging for when they were at his house playing video games.
Laughing slightly Dan pulled away and looked toward Phil, his grip on the letter tightening. This was it; this was the last time he was going to talk to Phil, the last time he was going to hug him. He was going to make it count. Practically tackling him in a bear hug Dan latched onto Phil and hid his face in his neck, taking a deep breath and trying to memorize his sent. Phil hugged back just as tightly and whispered in his ear, "I love you Dan."
Dan felt tears in the corner of his eye, he blinked them away. If Phil saw him crying he wouldn't leave and Dan would be fucked. "I love you too. You mean everything and more to me. I don't know what I would do without you." They stood like that for a minute, Dan slipping the note into Phil's pocket feeling a tear slide down his cheek when he did, quickly turning his head so it was wiped onto Phil's shirt.
"Oh my god! Did you just wipe your snot all over my shirt?" Phil pulled back and gave Dan an incredulous look.
Dan laughed and pulled him in closer for another second and whispering, "I'm so sorry. I love you."
Phil looked at him slightly confused, "It's just a little snot Dan no big deal. Are you okay?"
"Yeah sorry. I'm gonna head home now. I love you so much. You mean everything to me." Dan pecked Phil on the cheek and swiftly turned and started to walk away when he felt Phil grab his hand and pull him back.
"Are you sure you're okay? Do you want me to come home with you?" he brushed Dan's hair from his face and looked concernedly into Dan's eyes.
Dan smiled and shook his head, "No I'm fine there's nothing to worry about. I just really don't want to do this essay."
"Okay if you're sure." Dan smiled and nodded, "Okay then, I'll text you later okay Dan?"
"Okay. Goodbye I love you." Dan started walking away again and Phil didn't stop him this time.
As Dan walked home he took in how beautiful it was today; the sun was shining but it wasn't hot, it had rained a bit earlier leaving the smell of rain lingering in the breeze. The trees were greener than they had been, like they wanted him to truly see their beauty before he was gone. He wasn't shaking like he thought he would be; knowing what waited for him at home and knowing that it was only a matter of time until he was gone was comforting. He knew what was going to happen and he was more than okay with it.
He smiled and put in his headphones intent on playing Muse until his last breath. When he got home Dan was welcomed by an empty house; he was used to it, his parents had always worked late.
Walking to his bathroom he took the old pain pill bottle; he had been prescribed the pills when he broke his arm a few months ago but he had never taken all of them for this very reason. He clutched the bottle of pills tightly in his hand and went to the kitchen, opening the refrigerator and grabbing the Maltesers he had left in there and pouring himself a glass of water.
He walked to the living room and set the candy and water and pills on the coffee table next to his laptop. There was only one more thing he had to do; he was going to visit his old friend, cutting, one last time before he went. Cutting had helped him through so much, day when he felt empty cutting was there, day when he felt worthless and stupid cutting was there. Days when he felt alone, cutting was there. His go to when things got tough, he hadn't cut since he promised Phil he would stop but it felt almost rude not to do it one last time.
So he went to the bathroom again reaching into the cabinet and withdrawing his of blade, still as perfect as the first time he used it. He bit his lip and dug the blade into the delicate pale skin of his wrist, pulling roughly and savoring the pain. He missed this. He did it again and again and again until he had over a dozen red parallel lines covering his arms. Dan leaned against the wall and sighed contentedly. It wouldn't be long now until he was gone.
After a few minutes Dan walked back to the living room and sat down on the couch again, a strange sense of clam came over him; this was it, soon the pain would be over and so would he.
He reached for the pills and opened the bottle, his hand steady as he poured them into his hand. He picked two up, put them in his mouth and swallowed, chasing them with a drink of water and a handful of Maltesers. He wanted the last thing he ate to be his favorite thing.
When he was about halfway through the bottle his door was slammed open to reveal a sweaty, heavy breathing Phil. They stared at each other for a second before the small sound of pills hitting the floor could be heard, Dan had dropped them. In the time it took Dan to blink Phil was there next to him hugging him, crying.