A/N: Sooo…all I can say about this is that I was in an extremely goofy mood last night. This was the result. Painfully out of character, ridiculously crazy, and absolutely nonsensical…but all in all, I think it's rather fun. Hope you enjoy! :)
Tonight on ET: We're talking to Oceanic 815 crash survivor Jack Shephard about his "relationship" with the Island's sexiest Other, blonde bombshell Juliet Burke.
ET: So we've heard whispers that there's something between you and Juliet. Is there any truth to that?
Jack: What? Who whispered that? Was it Michael? I bet it was Michael. Dumbass. [pauses] Oh shit, they haven't killed him off yet. Oops! Sorry.
ET: Spoiler alert!
Jack: [laughs] Yeahhh…well anyway, there's nothing going on between me and Juliet, that's ridiculous. [chuckles nervously] I mean, she's an Other, and I'm the leader of the Losties! Live together, die alone! [overly-enthusiastic fist pump, clearly compensating for something]
ET: So you're telling us there's absolutely no reason for anyone to 'ship Jacket?
Jack: Don't be silly, a Jacket is something you wear. [laughs] No, no, nothing going on there, not a thing.
ET: Are you a homosexual, Dr. Shephard?
Jack: Excuse me?
ET: Well you'd have to be, wouldn't you, if you're not interested in her…
Jack: Whoa, whoa, whoa, I am not gay! I—
ET: What about our sources that say they saw you necking with Ben Linus?
Jack: Are you kidding me?
ET: Yes. [laughs] So if you're not gay, and you're not interested in Juliet—
Jack: Who ever said I wasn't interested in her? I just said there was nothing going on…yet. I mean, uhh… [whistles]
ET: So there's nothing going on, but you want there to be?
Jack: I didn't say that, either…
Juliet: Can I just say something?
ET: Well! Looks like we've got a surprise guest, everyone! Hello, Dr. Burke.
Juliet: Hello. Excuse me for interrupting, but I really feel like I need to clarify a few things, here.
ET: Clarify away, doctor.
Jack: [swoons]
Juliet: Well first of all, I can assure you that Jack here is not gay, nor was he ever necking with Ben Linus, though I can't say for sure that Ben wouldn't enjoy that.
ET and Jack: [giggle]
Juliet: Anywayyy, as I was saying, there is clearly something between Jack and I. He's just in denial right now because of her, but I have it on good authority that THAT won't last long… [insert evil laugh]
ET: Could you elaborate on that?
Juliet: Not without getting fired. Lemme just give you a hint: Austen. Ford. Cages. [smirks, then shrugs] Then Jack can be all mine and we can make lots of gorgeous, brilliant babies with great hair and a complex with fixing everything… [smiles and stares day-dreamily into space]
Kate: [defiantly, as a child] Ex-cuuuuse me! [crosses arms]
ET: Oh hello, miss Austen! Juliet just mentioned something about you and Sawyer in the polar bear cages…is there anything you can tell us?
Kate: Uh, NO. Haven't you heard? I love Jack this week. Hmph. [turns up nose and looks away]
ET: But you wouldn't turn down a quick roll in the hay with the Island's own con man, would you?
Kate: [pauses, as if thinking about it] Well, if you held a gun to my head…
Juliet: [mutters] Whore.
Kate: WHAT did you just call me?
Juliet: [dripping with sarcasm] Like you didn't hear me, 12-year-old. [rolls eyes]
Kate: You're just jealous, bitch.
Juliet: Why, because you're a criminal with a Peter Pan complex? Don't make me laugh.
Kate: No, because every man on the island wants ME. [sticks out tongue]
Juliet: [laughs] Excuse me, have you MET Ben? The man's so in love with me that he's been basically holding me hostage for three years, [slightly bitter tone] AND he had my boyfriend killed off. And then, of course, there's Jack, here, who so obviously wants me even though he's trying to hide it… [gazes longingly at Jack]
Kate: Jack doesn't want you! We're soul mates! Well, I mean, unless Sawyer's my soul mate…maybe I should sleep with him, just to make sure.
Juliet: Eww! Where's my taser? I need my taser!
Kate: Please, I could take you anytime.
Juliet: Bring it on!
ET: Jack, what do you say about all this? Who do you want, Kate or Juliet?
Jack: Hey, if the two of them wanna duke it out with a little mud-wrestling, I'm not gonna stand in their way…
Juliet: [hushed voice] No, no, that's not 'til later in the season!
Jack: Oops again. Spoiler alert!
Juliet: ANYWAY. It's obvious who Jack wants. Freckles here is just oblivious.
Sawyer: Hey! Nobody gets to call her that but me.
ET: Well this evening's just full of surprises, isn't it…
Sawyer: C'mon, Freckles, let's go fornicate already. The "Skaters" are gettin' restless.
Kate: [scrunches nose] No thanks, Sawyer.
Sawyer: [exasperated sigh] Fine! I'll just wait in the cages 'til you change your mind again.
Juliet: [pulls out taser excitedly] I found it! [pulls trigger and tases Kate] Oops. [giggles, as it obviously wasn't a mistake]
Kate: [falls on floor and jerks around unconvincingly]
ET: …did that really hurt?
Juliet: Nah, but usually they're more convincing about faking it…and you'd think she's had enough practice faking it, wouldn't you?
ET and audience: Ooooh…
Kate: [sits up and scoffs defiantly] I don't ever have to fake it, so I wouldn't know!
Juliet, Jack, Sawyer, ET, and audience: [rolls eyes]
Juliet: That was about as unconvincing as your little seizure, there.
Sawyer: She wouldn't have to fake it with me… [grins proudly]
Kate: Yeah? Why don't we test that theory… [giggles flirtatiously]
Jack: Hey, wait! I thought you loved me this week!
Kate: [shrugs] A girl's entitled to change her mind.
Juliet: Not every five minutes, whore.
Kate: Who asked you?
Juliet: Don't worry, Jack, I'm not a flip-flopper like some people…
Jack: [grins]
Ben: Ahem! She is mine, thank you very much.
Juliet: [disgusted face] Ew! Who invited you here?
Ben: I don't need an invitation, Juliet, I am the ruler of this island!
Juliet: …uh, no you're not.
Ben: Yeah, well, I have a god complex, okay? Not unlike a certain spinal surgeon…you seem to fancy him just fine…
Juliet: He's not a 40 year old virgin with bug eyes.
Ben: [bug eyes widen tremendously]
Sawyer: [bursts out laughing] HA HA! She gotcha there, creepo!
Juliet: [smiles proudly]
Kate: [tugs at Sawyer's sleeve] Pay attention to ME! [pouts]
ET: This is getting more interesting by the minute…so Ben, is it true you're a virgin?
Ben: [freezes] …no! I have a daughter!
Juliet: Pff! Where's that DNA test I ran…? [arches eyebrow]
Ben: Can it, Burke! [glares]
Juliet: Is that any way to speak to the woman you looooove? [laughs]
Jack: Let's get outta here, Juliet. The virgin's creeping me out.
Juliet: Yeah! You up for a grilled cheese?
Jack: With toothpicks? [grins]
Juliet: Absolutely.
[Juliet and Jack exit, Ben and Kate look on jealously, arms crossed]
Sawyer: What now, Freckles, flip-floppin' again?
Kate: Maaaybe…
Sawyer: Women… [shakes head and walks off]
Kate: Sawyer, waaait! I think I still wanna sleep with you! [chases after him]
Ben: …well, looks like it's just us…
ET: Yeahhh, about that…oh my god, it's the smoke monster!
Ben: What? [turns around in fear, nothing is there] Heeeyyy, wait a minute… [turns back around to find himself alone] Damn it, why are people always doing that to me?
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