This is a one shot that's grown and possibly may be around three or four chapters. I'm a slow writer/work long hours so updates may take a while but encouragement does help! I will try to do small updates more often I guess. Rating is for bad language but may go up in the future.

all of us paper thin

For all her many sins Jac's dirty little secret wasn't that she was fucking a junior doctor under her direct authority, not that was something she wanted becoming public knowledge. It was in the tightness within her chest whenever Zosia looked at her with those darkly inquisitive eyes. It was in the small affectionate touches, so subtle and small that she had never been able to get past her surprise to her usual calculated and defensive anger.

The part that she could barely acknowledge even within the safety of her own head was that she quite possibly had feelings for the younger woman. Feelings she was not yet prepared to try to quantify and analyse. But there was affection for Zosia that had been building since the junior doctor had first attempted to impress her and the genuine gratitude for the way she helped protect Emma at christmas. Something that was so separate from the attraction, the uncomplicated sexual encounters they had fallen into.

She spent countless sleepless hours staring at dark ceilings pushing aside everything but the memory of the carnal act, stripping away the connection and understanding that spoke of a blossoming deeper relationship. After all her ability to compartmentalize was almost as impressive as her brilliance in the operating theatre.

What they shared was enough. A few quick encounters in public bathrooms or her office. There was even a very drunken and frantic fumble in a dark corner of Albie's carpark but never anything as personal as even suggesting they take the action to each others homes. It was enough. An itch scratched and about as much of herself she was prepared to give anyone.

The whole situation had never been up for discussion. Maybe Zosia realised instinctively that pushing the consultant would only lead to complete withdrawal and Jac was faintly relieved for it. She had worked hard to be self contained and detached and didn't need another's boundary issues making everything complicated once more. Not when she finally felt secure at work as a senior and well respected member of the hospital, not when she had only just started to believe that she was capable of being a mother.

It didn't mean that she thought herself capable of trusting others. It didn't mean that she was any less shutdown and toxic to the people who got too close.

It just meant that she had more to potentially destroy.

Jac thought about ending it with every suspicion that the other woman's feelings were deeper than she had admitted. But for something to end it would have to have started in the first place and even speaking the words out loud would feel like a defeat, a weakness. She both respected and was irritated by Zosia's intelligence and rebellious streak. The way the dark haired woman read her better than she liked, knowing when to back off and when she could push Jac's limits. It was infuriating not always being the one in control but it was a necessity. She was at least grateful for the times Zosia had quickly removed all traces of affection from her face during the quiet and strangely comfortable moments after sex.

And with every thought about ending whatever it was they shared the more Jac's insides felt heavy with something like dread. Because if she severed this odd little connection then maybe she'd be left with a new aching emptiness she wasn't prepared for.

Purgatory was the safest place all round.

She would just have to ignore the way a bad day made her crave the other woman's attention even if it was just someone to berate who wouldn't take her sharp tongue too personally. Someone who would just look at her without saying a word and just know. She reasoned Sacha would be too busy or too smothering and with Elliot and Michael gone there was no one else she trusted enough.

So while her cheek stung and her shoulders ached her thoughts were alarmingly going towards the other woman rather than pulling herself together. She swallowed against the coppery taste of blood and disgust that she couldn't put her composure back together as sufficiently as usual.

There would be accident reports left unfinished back on AAU thanks to her disappearing act but she didn't not have the patience to deal with bureaucracy at the best of times. No doubt the rumour mill in all its glorious efficiency had the news that a senior consultant had been punched in the face by an irritate drunk patient all the way up to Darwin on the 6th floor already. It wasn't for the first time and although she'd always hidden it well the glee in which some of her colleagues took in the details of her misfortune made her feel more vulnerable than the physical attack.

It wasn't that she was running away as such, the great Jac Naylor never ran away, it was just that she needed a few moments to compose herself before she marched back to Darwin back with her mask firmly back in place.

Her team didn't need to see how much a stupid assault had unsettled her and she needed to prove to herself that she was self sufficient as ever.