To Dounia,
I know that you must be happy to be with your present beau, so I shall not trouble you with a multitude of details on the subject of my temporary return. However, I feel that you are someone wholly good, the likes of whom I've met nowhere else, and… You see, I need to tell someone who will understand to hear my story… And if you do not understand, I ask that you at least attempt to feel something for me, be it only disgust or pity.
My dear Avdotya, it was in fact I who was responsible for the demise of my late wife, Marfa, may God rest her soul. As you read this, I expect that you will be thoroughly disgusted with the thought of a correspondence with such a man, but I ask that you allow me a moment to explain my past actions. It was not my intent, upon marriage to the beautiful woman, that I be responsible for her downfall, but it was this which occurred. When I married Marfa, I was as much in love with you as you appear to be with that Razumikhin boy, but my feelings of ardor were not returned in full. Rather than showing her loyalty to me, as her husband, my darling wife became no better than a creature of the night, such as that dreadful woman, Madame Reslik. I realize that this is no excuse for my actions, and I cannot even begin to express my regret for them, but it is now too late to fix. In one act of temper and hurt pride, I robbed a woman of life, much like your own brother, Rodion Raskolnikov, says he did to that poor pawnbroker, and I robbed myself of my sanity.
From there, Avdotya, my health began a steady decline. I speak not only in the physical sense, but in that of my mental stability as well. I did horrible things, Avdotya, terrible things. Actions towards children that are so dreadful I cannot bear to repeat them to a lady of your purity and innocence, less they defile your innocence forever. I say now, in the moment's clarity, that I know not the man I was and am during those times. I beg that you not remember me by the actions I will likely be remembered for by others, but as a man who has lost everything. His wife, his sanity, his moral upstanding, and by the time you read this letter, his life.
My dear Avdotya, I also want to express my remorse for the actions that took place in that dreadful tenant house. It was another time that I was not myself, and I regret my inappropriate advances like little else. In all honesty, I do not blame you in the slightest for your violent threats against me. In fact, I almost wish that you would have carried them out. At least then, I would not be remembered as the man who took the coward's way out. For that is exactly what I intend to do. Do not be too horrified, dearest Dounia, and do not blame yourself. I am completely at piece for what I am to do. I simply wanted someone to know my intentions and understand the reasoning behind them, without judging me too harshly. Of course, I haven't the slightest notion of how you will react, and this note might simply be in vain, but I had to try. Enclosed with this are two hundred roubles, given in hopes that you can find it in your heart to forgive me of my actions in regards to you and others. It will help me rest easier knowing that someone has.
All my best, eternally,
Arkady Ivanovitch Svidrigailov