Oookay, I'm back! First off, the title is subject to change, and so is the summary ('cause it stinks). The chapter posted here is the FULL version of the one posted one my dA account (Cortex-Aire).
Updates will probably be weekly! Do enjoy! ^_~

Any chapters after this one will probably be a lot shorter!

Chapter One: Ganondorf the Super Awesome

Vaati thumped the table with his fist angrily. "Blast it! Blast it! CENSORED!"
Shadow, who had been dozing over his paperwork, looked up groggily. "Master, I did the calculations."
Vio, who had been pacing the room thoughtfully, looked over his shoulder. "But they're all wrong, Shadow. How the heck did you get X squared in that position?"
"What, sideways?"
"No, no!" Vio pointed to the paper irritably. "Well, yes! Not only is it sideways, but it's supposed to be taken away from the larger-"

Shadow did not even allow his companion time to finish his sentence- a loud argument rapidly erupted between the two as neither refused to back down. It quickly ended when Vaati upended a barrel of lantern oil over the both of them. The girly shrieks that followed echoed around the labyrinthian dungeons for a long while.

When it faded, there was an awkward silence. It was now the wind mage's turn to pace, striding purposefully up and down the darkened stone paths.
"Where IS he?" he hissed to himself. "He said he wouldn't be long..."
Shadow and Vio were now frantically blowing on eachother's tunics to try and dry them. An idea struck the purple Link suddenly, and he brought out the Wind Waker from out of his pocket for use as a hairdryer. As is the norm in Zelda, it grew rapidly from a miniscule, easily contained item to a rather more normally- proportioned one. He waved it gently.

Unfortunately, the narrow labyrinth they were in acted as a very effective wind tunnel. Vaati found his pacing interrupted as his face was smashed at high speed into the door at the end of the tunnel. Shadow smashed into his back and they slithered down the woodwork, cartoon- style.

Vio stood behind them, whistling "O Fortuna" innocently.

"Oh, for [CENSORED]'s sake!" Shadow howled.
"18 lines in and you're swearing already?! In the first book you took more than a chapter! Honestly, Shadow, you're deteriorating!" Vaati snapped. Shadow ignored him and swore again.
"Where the [CENSORED] [CENSORED] is that Goddamned [CENSORED] fat lump of brain-dead flab?!"

The door suddenly flew upon, slamming the two against the opposite wall. Vaati ended up crushed under Shadow's backside in a very compromising position, but even though he was finding it difficult to see he could still hear his master's booming voice.

"Who the hell are you?" And a fart.
"I'm Violet Link. Do you remember me last time we met, Master Ganondorf? In your study?"
There was a silence.
And more silence.
And more silence.
"...I don't know what you're even talking about! Do you know my two stupid minions, Vaati and Shadow Link?"
"Yes, you seem to have crushed them."
Ganondorf did not even glance in their direction. "Good. Your tunic's soaking! I bet you've just wet yourself because you're so in awe of my majesty. You're right to be, 'cuz I have a new title now. I'm called Ganondorf the Super Awesome!"

His attention was finally fully drawn to Vaati and Shadow by the latter's badly stifled laugh. The two disentangled and crawled over to their master. Ganondorf beamed.
"Yes, that's it, minions, BOW TO MY AWESOMENESS! I see you've wet yourself too, Shadow. Good boy. VAATI! Why have you not wet yourself?! Do so NOW!"
"I'll try, Master." Vaati muttered. He couldn't believe his heart was sinking already after only two minutes of being in Ganondorf's presence. He was pretty much in danger of excreting it. Still, perhaps that would please the unbelievably dull King Of Evil.

Ganon summoned his throne with a wave of his hand. It materialised in mid- air and, since he still hadn't mastered elementary summoning spells, remained there instead of falling to earth like it was supposed to. Because of this, another two minutes was wasted as he used his three lackeys as steps. Once he was seated comfortably, he proceeded to scratch his backside for a while and then give a sonorous "Ahem!"
"AHEM!"
"AHEMMMMMM!"
"AHE- *cough* *hack* HEMHEMBLAAAURGHHACK!HACK!HACK!UUGH!"
"A coughing fit again, Master?" Vaati asked disbelievingly. "Is the author running out of ideas that fast?"
"Naah, it's just filler." Vio replied, and obediently handed Ganon some of Shadow's paperwork. Shadow behaved much more violently than Vaati would when confronted with the sight of his master eating the fruits of his labour, leaping at the throne with a yell of rage. He banged his head on the side and fell unceremoniously back to earth.

Ganondorf pushed the entire paper down his throat this time and swallowed neatly, proudly showing off the considerable expansion of his thorax since the first story. After he had finished with this activity, he spoke proudly.

"So, I'm supposing you're all waiting with eager anticipation to see what we're all doing here! No, no, don't even open your mouths, don't even BREATHE!... I seriously mean that, don't BREATHE. Anyway- I've called you three here because I've decided that we want to-"
"The suspense really is killing me..." Vio gasped, and passed out. He was unceremoniously hurled out of the room.
"- Fine, you can breathe then. Jerks. I didn't want that guy anyway. I want us three- me, Shadow, and you, Vaati- to carry out this new mission! Now, you may remember at the end of the last book where we decided to release ChuChus upon Hyrule, where they would devour everything. Well, Vaati has formulated the plan! I was going to, of course, but he insisted."

Vaati snorted quietly. His memory of events was rather different. In fact, he recalled Ganondorf holding him at swordpoint until he had produced 30 pages of plans for the damned creatures! And then, of course, Ganondorf had taken them away for "editing" and come back with the most asinine, stupid plot he had ever heard from the lips of his master, which was quite an achievement. But still, what more could you expect?

"So, what I presume we do..." Ganondorf began, "-is we could all hold hands and wish for ChuChus to fall from the sky! So it's raining ChuChus!"
Vaati could have sobbed just hearing the plan outlined to him once more. Shadow's lips were twitching, a sure sign that he was about to laugh inappropriately again. The mage closed his eyes and hoped for the best. It was sheer luck that the boy kept silent.

They could hear Vio coming round outside ("What the... Dang... my head...").
He had not had a good time since rejoining the dark side at the end of the first book, as he was still viewed as a traitor by many of the dark side. He had attempted to stay with Shadow Link in the Fire Temple, but the events of the Four Swords manga in which he had accidentally knocked a Hinox out with a hammer were still remembered. He feared for his life every night, and the ShadowxVio fanbase complicated matters further.
Every day the two had been interrupted by yaoi fans peering through the windows expectantly. Eventually it had become too much, and he had moved in with Vaati. The two got on very well, both being highly intellectual- however, this developing friendship would now not be resumed for a while, as Ganondorf refused to accept Vio as "one of the gang". In fact, Ganny insisted that his own brainpower was more than enough for the new quest they were setting out on, and so the last surviving Link was now groaning and clutching his head outside the door.

Vaati sighed resignedly. "So, when are we going to carry out this... amazing plan, Master?"
"TODAY!"
"TODAY?!" This from both Vaati and Shadow.
"Yes, today. Do I need to repeat it a third time?"
"You just did repeat it a third time..."
"SHADOW LINK! HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT UP!"

Vio was taken up to Vaati's room to recover.

Ganondorf had one final announcement to make. After the last story's unfortunate "incident" with Veran and the Hinoxes (there was a moment's silence to remember her passing, interrupted by Vaati bursting into noisy sobs), the onus was on Tingle to look after the ever-hungry army. This did not fill anyone with confidence, and even Ganondorf looked uneasy while saying it. The Dark Mirror was to be guarded by Onox.
Vaati had a small heart attack at this point. "ONOX?! But- that giant axe he carries around! You KNOW he has no propioception! He's going to... going to..."
"If you faint as well, we leave without you!" Ganondorf snapped as Vaati swooned into Shadow's arms. "Onox will be perfectly fine!"
"Yeah, Master." Shadow agreed, flinging his arms wide and dropping Vaati with a THUNK onto the floor. "What's the worst that can happen?"

The three left fairly soon after, deciding to forgo the travel packs this time. Ganondorf had still not forgiven Shadow for giving him plaits, which he was still reminded gleefully about on a daily basis. On Vaati's insistence, they took a porta- potty ("Otherwise you'll just go weeing through Poes again, won't you...")
Five steps away from the HQ, they realised they had forgotten a rather important item.
"GHIRAHIIIIIIIMMMMM!" Vaati yelled to the sky.
The David Bowie lookalike was currently having a well- earned rest in his chamber, and hearing this cry made him slither to the floor almost in tears. He could not BELIEVE the stupid original had actually got a sequel! Obviously the author was not being sympathetic, thus his status had not gone up in the world at all. After Veran's death, he expected to be moved at least one position up in the hierarchy, but the spot had been taken by Ganondorf's imaginary friend.

He wearily teleported himself to Vaati's side, sinking into a bow. "What ails you, sir? I assume I am the important item you've forgotten?"
Vaati smirked to himself. "No. There are many other things that are much more important than you, such as useless blobs that do nothing but multiply."
Ghi looked up, confused. "Humans?"
He earned a smack for this. "No! Humans are cool! But Hylians will always be superior... And Minish, of course. But no- here, I am referring to the ChuChus. There's a box of them in my study. Get."
"But..." Ganon's lip wibbled. "Aren't we going to wish?"
"We'll wish as well. But we're just taking these in case it doesn't work-"

"My plans ALWAYS WORK! BECAUSE I'M SO CLEVER!" He summoned Ghirahim back to him magically, and the two crashed together. Vaati's patience snapped.

"Just let him get the ChuChus! Ghirahim! GO!" With that, Vaati magically flung Ghi across the yard.
Ganon yanked him back.
Vaati hurled him away.
Ganon wrenched him back.
Vaati swung him around his head like a hammer and sent him flying.
Ganon procured a Hookshot and pulled him back.
Vaati shot an arrow into Ghi's bum and-
he ran screaming in a circle.
"You're supposed to RUN AWAY!" the mage hissed.
Shadow's footsteps sounded behind them suddenly. He was carrying the box of ChuChus.
"Let's just [CENSORED] go, guys." he said wearily.

Since it was the start of a new quest, the three set off feeling enthusiastic (at least in Ganon's case) and energetic. Apprehension as to what they would encounter was high as they discussed what they might see, however it quickly descended into a raging argument when Vaati dared to challenge the existences of Spyro The Dragon and Melody the Music Fairy.

It seemed that Ganondorf's grip on reality was still not at its strongest, not least when he got in a fight with his imaginary friend about who should carry the ChuChu box the rest of the way. By this time, they were only halfway across Hyrule Field.
It was winter now, and the first few flakes of snow were starting to fall. Shadow enjoyed it- at least it meant there was no sun. He flung himself on the ground to make a snow fairy and narrowly avoided a steaming pile of horse poo, much to Vaati's chagrin.

After Ganon had finished shadow- boxing (eventually declaring he'd won by default since his imaginary friend was STUPID! and USELESS!), they continued on their way. The sky was ominously overcast with thick clouds, hovering worryingly low over the field and the forests that lay beyond. Those remaining in the dark side's evil HQ went to turn on the heating, only to see it disappear with a pop as the author remembered there was no heating of such advanced design in medieval times. They all huddled together for warmth instead and entertained themselves by playing charades (which quickly descended into offensive impersonations of Ganondorf, Vaati, and Shadow).

Tingle sat miserably in the Fire Temple. He had been banned from going to the main HQ and the doors and windows had been magically barricaded just to make sure. Not even the Hinoxes would go near him. Not even the Dark Mirror would show him his reflection. He s-

Not even the author would write much about him.

Five minutes later, both Shadow and Ganondorf had tired of walking. Vaati didn't mind piggybacking Shadow that much, since the boy was light and wiry- but when Ganondorf insisted he should be carried as well ("it's only fair!"), he was quickly refused.
"WHAAAAAAT?! Don't you know that's discrimination towards- um..."

"Idiots?" Vaati and Shadow muttered together. Ganon heard them and his eyes narrowed to furious slits. Without warning, he leapt on Shadow Link's back. Since Shadow Link was already perched on his back, Vaati pitched forward violently and almost crashed into Talon who was weaving his way drunkenly across the field.

"Hey, Talon!" he called enthusiastically. "You got any horses we could borrow?"
Talon stopped and, despite his intoxication, managed to give each one of them a fierce glare. "I don't- hic- think so! You won't believe what you did to- hac!- that last one! Epona won't even go out of the shtables now! We're not besties friendlies anymore, Vaatiiii!" With that, he blew a raspberry and wobbled off.

Vaati stared after him in irritation, but said nothing. He surmised that he probably hadn't gotten over his daughter Malon's antics with Green Link yet.
"Well, ain't he a [CENSORED] jerk! We woulda paid this time!" Shadow yelled after the drunkard. The desired effect would have been for Talon to turn around and enquire about the money the boy was offering- however, he seemed more interested in Shadow's first sentence.
The three made much quicker progress across Hyrule Field after Talon chased them on Epona. Of course, since Vaati was the only one with his feet on the floor, progress was still quite slow. But it was still fast enough to outrun the horse, who refused to go near them in her ever- traumatized state.

They burst, panting, into the Kokiri Forest. Vaati promptly collapsed on the floor, and while Shadow had the sense of mind to roll to the side Ganondorf simply landed right on top of the mage.

"Vaati! Why did you drop us?" Ganondorf roared, getting to his feet and stamping obstinately.
"I'm exhausted, Master." Vaati replied, still unable to get up himself. Shadow rolled his eyes and slung the mage over his bony shoulder.
"Come on Master, we'll settle down somewhere now... Would this be a good place to release the ChuChus?"

Ganondorf did not even bother to listen for Vaati's reply. He had heard the word "ChuChus", and in his low- capacity brain this could mean only one thing.

He promptly tipped the entire contents of the box onto the floor with an unceremonious SPLAT. Shadow froze as the vacuous creatures slithered around, getting their bearings, before locking their sights on anything in their way. Unfortunately, the three villains were in the main firing line. Shadow realised this quickly and proceeded to run around in a circle shrieking, while Ganondorf grinned vacantly and settled down to pet his new- found friends.
"SHADOW! SHADOW!" Vaati yelled, trying to struggle free of the boy's grasp. "Hey, Shadow! There's a ledge over there!"
He pointed to the ledge jutting out that, in Ocarina Of Time, led up to the entrance to the Lost Woods. When the boy didn't respond, he managed to aim a powerful kick at the boy's chest, which his legs dangled over. Shadow yelped and flung himself to the floor, doubled up in pain, and Vaati took this opportunity to wriggle free, grab the boy's hand, and drag him towards safety as the ChuChus advanced squelchingly towards them.

_-
"Squelchingly"... aaah, what a fabulous adjective! I will see you next week!