Author's Note: Okay, this a total crack!fic. Let me just say this now, all of this is just for FUN. I mean, if you really find it necessary to yell at me for being harsh on characters, well.. I'll probably just laugh. That's the downright truth of that matter. So feel free to yell if you like!

And now, onto the show! I'm throwing this one out there for Mad Steph, D.D. Casale, and teh-Sara.

Beware of Jacob:

Jacob walked through the jungle towards the beach camp of the survivors, cracking the knuckles on his hands. These people were about to get a tongue lashing. All of them were certifiably nuts! Well sure, Jacob himself was an almighty Island God, worshiped by many, hated by few.. details, details.

As he strode onto the beach in his white tunic he glanced around at everyone who was sitting down indian style and in the center of the beach no less. Perfect, they had listened when he requested a formal meeting. Even Ben had collected his crew of misfit Others to take place. Now he could get it all out in the open.

"First things first," Jacob began, silencing everyone. "I am the almighty Jacob," he explained to them. "Now, all of you have faults over the years that your fans have been driven crazy by the directors of this show--"

"Show?" all of them piped up.

"Quiet, I'm holding the meeting, no questions," he warned them. "Now I'm going to explain these faults to you all!"

Silence.

"I suppose I should start out with the main people we see a lot of," he began. "Jack, for instance."

"What's wrong with Jack?" Kate questioned.

"Yes indeed, what is wrong with Jack, that is the question," Jacob replied cryptically. "Does anyone know what's wrong with Jack?"

Sawyer spoke up. "He's a Jackass."

"Well, yes," Jacob answered with a shrug. "He did become a.. Jackass.." he replied. "But before that, his undying need to fix things," he pointed out. "First of all, you can't fix everything, and lastly, when you realize that you can't fix everything, you most certainly should still try to fix what is fixable. Instead of getting a fix."

Silence.

"Since Sawyer decided to answer my question about Jack, maybe I'll go to Sawyer next," he decided. "Alright, first question, what in Island's name do you want us to call you now?" he asked seriously. "Sawyer? James? LaFleur? Jim? Jimmy? You know what.. Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care. The main thing is. Choose a woman here. First you were the jackass, now Jack's the Jackass, and now you care about everything, well excuuuse me, mister."

Everyone stared at Jacob.

"Talk about a little role reversal," Jacob stated with a shrug. "Honestly, for serious, James," he began again. "You really ought to choose---"

"I have a question!" Ben piped up.

"No questions!" Jacob growled out, pointing a finger.

"I have a statement!" Ben said next.

Silence.

"Fine," Jacob stated. "State your statement."

"I can't," Ben explained.

Jacob arched an eyebrow. "Why not?"

"Because it's really just a question."

Jacob groaned. "Moving on," he stated. "I guess I should just move on to you, Benjamin," he stated next. "We all know that deep down between that very creepy bug-eyed look you have, that you're actually a big giant manipulative fluffy bunny," he stated. "Well, were anyways, until you stabbed me."

"You're fairly well adapted at getting out of promises, by making other people break them for you, if you didn't break it, how is it your fault? That means you didn't lie of course," he said with a sigh. "Not to mention your obsession with Juliet suddenly disappearing after the people on the freighter came along, where'd that obsession go, Ben?" he questioned.

Juliet frowned. "I would have preferred you not ask, now he'll be thinking about it again.. thanks a lot."

"Don't get me started on you, blondie," Jacob stated.

"Hey, you can't steal my nickname for her," Sawyer growled out.

Jacob eyed him. And ignored him. "Lets see.. in the beginning, even I couldn't decide whose side you were on. Did you even have a side?" he questioned.

Juliet shrugged. "I like to think I was on my own side."

"Right, you of course wouldn't want to answer that honestly when both sides are sitting around you," Jacob explained to himself.

"I was being honest," Juliet retorted. "I went for the side that had better chances of getting me off of this island," she admitted. "And so maybe I kind of, maybe, sort of, started to like the survivors."

"You fell in love with on of them," Jacob pointed out. "I'll give you a break on that. Since that happened in the seventies and all. Wait.. speaking of the seventies, how in the hell are you at this meeting? Didn't you get blown up?"

"Didn't you get stabbed?" she retorted.

"Touche," Jacob responded. "Wait, I said no questions!" he groaned and head slapped himself. "That's it, I'm not talking to you," he said to Juliet. "You talk back."

Juliet shrugged. "Suite yourself."

"Moving on!" Jacob called out. He paused, glancing at Charlie snorting something as he sat behind everyone else. As though he only just realized even the dead people were here. "Wait, Charlie? What are you snorting? You're putting the crack in crack!fic here!"

"The crack in what?" Charlie questioned. "Man this is sugar, Hurley gave me a bag of sugar to help me stop with heroin. That way I still feel like I'm snorting, without it being dangerous!"

Jacob raised both eyebrow up in response. "Oh.. he did, did he?" he questioned. "Well.. I suppose.. thats alright then," he mumbled. He looked around and spotted Hurley dipping his fingers in the ranch jar. "Oh for the well-being of the Island," he muttered. "Hugo, what are you doing? That's not right," he told the big man.

"What's not?" Hurley asked.

"Well look at you," Jacob stated, waving his arms. "There is no possible way for you to be stranded on an island, with hardly anything edible for months and still be that big.."

"Sure it is," Hurley replied. "I haven't changed. I was on this island for months."

Silence.

"Fine," Jacob replied. "You got me there. Keep eating your ranch, big man.."

"Is this really necessary?" Kate asked. "In all fairness, I have better things to do then listen to you pick out everyones flaws."

"Like what?" Jacob questioned.

Kate frowned. "Uh.. I don't know, things."

"Things like what?" Jacob asked.

Silence.

"I know what you want to do, you're just trying to save everyone from getting picked on at this meeting, when you know what happens when you try to save people, Kate?" he asked her next.

Juliet raised her hand.

"Go ahead, Juliet!" Jacob stated.

"I fell down the hatch at the Swan," she answered.

"Very good Juliet!" Jacob retorted. "Wait.. what?" he said next. "Well.. that's not what I was thinking, but I suppose that works too. If she hadn't tried to go off and stop Jack from making the island go Kablooey, then you wouldn't have fallen down the hatch I'd still be dea-- oh. Thank you Kate!"

Kate nodded. "You're welcome!"

"But that's not the point!" Jacob stated again, getting back on topic. "You like to go off traipsing into the jungle to save people.. then Jack and Juliet didn't get to go home, you broke Jack's heart, you broke Sawyer's heart, broke Jack's again, Jack broke yours.. wow. I'm sensing a pattern. Jack broke Juliet's, Juliet broke Ben's, Sawyer broke Juliet's.." he paused. "Juliet broke Kate's."

"What?!" both women shouted and stood at the same time.

"Oh, sorry," Jacob stated. "Got a little ahead of myself. That's probably next season."

"Oh for God--"

"Island," Jacob interrupted.

"Island?" Juliet questioned.

"Yes, Island, as in.. Oh for Island's sake," he explained.

Juliet narrowed her eyes. "God damm-"

"Island!"

"ISLAND DAMMIT!" Juliet yelled, sitting back down.

"That's better," Jacob replied. "Now we'll continue this conversation later," he stated. He glanced over at Michael and Walt. "You're next!"

()()To be Cont.()()

Hope you laughed! There's more to come, that's for certain!