Can't Help Falling in Love
I never meant to fall in love with you. I tried so hard not to fall in love. We're best friends, soul mates even but...what if our relationship status changed? Would we change? Would our fans know? But then you told me you loved me. I remember it like it was yesterday, not three years ago. You were standing at the door to our apartment and you said "Dan, have I ever told you how much I love you?" and I said no. You repeated it, "I love you. I love you. I love you." and I believed you. But then my own self-doubt kicked in. Were you messing around? Leading me on? I don't know why I doubted you because you would never hurt me. And because I didn't say it back...the look in your eyes. The look on your face, oh sweet pea I'm so sorry! I hurt you more than people will ever know.
And I knew I loved you, I always loved you. From the first moment I laid eyes on your flawless face. When I got lost in the sea blue of your eyes. I knew I loved you from the moment I knew I was bi. You were the reason I came out. The reason I was finally happy yet I couldn't say those three little words. I love you.
When I first met you in person, you took my hand and you held it tight. Clutching it to your chest, resting it on your heart so I could feel the fast thump of a drum. You whispered to me "feel that? It's never gone so fast." I didn't care that you were five years older, I didn't care for a single second that we lived in completely different parts of the country. I didn't care about anything because I was in love.
Like a river leading to the sea my wind wondered back to you, my heart always beating for you. But I couldn't tell you. I've never said those words, those three tiny words. It was never the right time, the right person. When I moved to Manchester and I spent more time with you, I was falling deeper and deeper in love with you. I couldn't help it. Our Starbucks dates, watching countless episodes of Buffy...so many times the words were on the tip of my tongue.
There was this one time, for Christmas, you gave me a stuffed animal and I said I loved it. I wanted to add "like you" but I couldn't. I kicked myself afterwards.
The day you asked me to move into your apartment was possibly one of the greatest days of my life. "Some things are meant to be" you said and I nodded in agreement. I remember I wrapped my arms around your neck and pulled you in close. That was our first kiss, do you remember? A cold, crisp day in Manchester. My heart was racing, I was sure it was going to jump out of my chest. I could have said it then, those three words...but just like always, I didn't.
And when the day came that you asked me to sleep in your bed. We had just moved to London. Just finished putting the wardrobe together in fact. I think your excuse was "Dan, I'm cold." I was more than happy to fulfill your wishes and that moment...those first few moments are forever engraved into my brain. The smell if your hair and how it tickled my face. The way your head rested on my chest and not my shoulder because you knew I would squirm. The sound of your breathing getting heavier as you fell asleep. All the little things, that's what I loved about you.
Wise men say only fools rush in and we were taking things slowly. Just for my sake because you were the first guy I had ever been with. I could tell you wanted it to move faster and I'm sorry I stopped you.
The first time we did it. Had sex I mean...it was magical. You made me feel whole and that I was perfect and nothing could ever go wrong. And it was my first time with anybody. I'm glad it was with you though. There was no pressure, no need to get it over with. My favourite bit was the cuddles afterwards. And I still didn't say I love you.
Why God didn't I say it? Because I fucking loved you! I couldn't help falling in love with you. All my reservations about our relationship breaking down had gone yet I still couldn't say it. And then you got sick, you got worse quickly and there was no time. I had to ring your parents, our bosses, tell our fans that you were sick. I spent hours at your side - holding your hand, telling you everything was going to be okay. But I never told you I loved you. It wasn't the right time.
Through all your time at the hospital you would waste your energy telling me you loved me. You never stopped telling me and I just nodded and smiled replying with "I know." or "me too"...but never saying the words. If there is one thing I regret is that I was there throughout your illness and you were there through everything but I never said those three tiny words.
That Wednesday evening when you closed your eyes for the last time. When you let out your final breath. When your grasp on my hand fell slack... Tears streaming down my face, my breathing irregular - I finally said those words. I love you. Too little too late though.
Standing here today, in front of your friends and family and colleagues, I express my love for you publically and I hope you can hear me up there in heaven. I love you Philip Lester. I have always loved you and I will never stop loving you. Only the good die young and you didn't deserve to die. You are the love of my life and I'll see you one day soon.
I love you.