The Fruit's on the Vine TwiFic Contest
Title: Three Babies, Two Weddings & A Couple
Pairing: Edward & Bella
Genre: Humor/Family
Summary: I always thought informing my husband of my pregnancy would be a private affair. I wanted it to be funny or sweet. Maybe I'd give him a bun and tell him 'There's another one in my oven' or a bib saying 'I Love My Daddy'. I never thought I'd announce it in front of a packed congregation with the priest in tow.
Disclaimer: The author does not own any publicly recognizable entities herein. No copyright infringement is intended.
Rated M for Mommy and Daddy had to get it on for the baby to arrive. Sex Ed 101.
'Pregnancy is amazing. To think that you can create a human being just with the things you have around the house'
― Shang
PRESENT DAY
The bridesmaids and my flower girl all had matching dresses, a light yellow to match my calla lilies—perfect for a summer wedding, Alice said.
The freaking shiny toilet seat also matched. It matched the white wedding dress I was wearing while I had round two with the toilet bowl. I got up to rinse my mouth when I heard someone walk into the bathroom.
"Where's your tight ass security gone? It was like Obama's inauguration in here when Edward tried to break in for some pre-wedding nookie. Apparently Mama Swan threw something at him."
"Urgh, it was her shoe, and he has the stealth of a pregnant elephant," I droned as Emmett held me and walked me to the bed.
"Speaking of pregnant, should I tell Edward to forget his honeymoon? It looks like it's turning into a babymoon. When he bragged about endless sleepless nights with you I think he had a very different idea in mind," Emmett joked.
"Shut up, Emmett. I don't even know if I'm pregnant. It might just be that stupid chicken you cooked us last night." I had been throwing up for a week now. I was grumpy, tired and eating my feelings more than usual. Who was I kidding? I was pregnant.
Mom, Esme, Alice, Rose and Amelia, our little angel, walked in to the suite. Our daughter, now three years old, was wearing the cutest little dress, enjoying being a princess for the day. "It's time," Mom announced. "You've made me wait three years for this."
Emmett bent down and scooped Amelia up, kissing her cheek. "Hey, Smelly Melly. Ready to get your mom married again?"
3 YEARS AGO IN VEGAS
Edward had a five day medical conference in Vegas, and I tagged along to celebrate our recent engagement. We would spend lazy mornings enjoying ridiculously filling breakfast buffets. I'd lose IQ points by spending my afternoons watching E! while Edward did his medical stuff, and then we'd hit the town at night.
It was our third night in Vegas; we were being the world's laziest tourists and staying in.
"Edward, I have something to tell you."
"Bella, I want to ask you something." We both spoke at the same time.
"You go first," I told him. After I told him my news, I doubt he'd have many coherent thoughts.
"I can't wait to get married. There will be nothing more beautiful than you in your dress, walking towards me. But there's the venue, the food, the guests to deal with. Mom shouted at me for thinking that I could recycle my prom tux. Yesterday, Alice threw a medical journal at me because I said I liked the white invitations; apparently they were ivory. And your mom wants fucking tofu on the menu. Bella, we've only been engaged two weeks, and already, Alice and our moms are driving us both crazy. I want our wedding to be about us, without all the bullshit those women put us through." He held on to both of my hands and knelt down in front of me. "So, tonight, with the only two people who matter in this marriage and none of the headache that comes with a big wedding, which will happen later, Bella Swan, will you marry me?" he asked.
"Yes!" I replied with no hesitation. He placed a kiss on my hand and got up and kissed my nose, pushing me back onto the bed. His lips found on mine, and his hands were pulling my top off.
"Wait, I still have something to tell you." I sat up while Edward looked at me, bewildered.
"Really?" he said pointing to the situation in his boxers. "This can't wait five minutes?"
"Five minutes, how promising," I deadpanned. "And that," I said, pointing at the situation on his boxers, "is what caused all this in the first place." I reached for his hand, holding it tightly. "Edward, I'm pregnant."
He stared at me blankly.
"Remember that week when I was changing my pill dosage? I came to drop something off at your office and…" His face broke out into a smile. He was probably remembering me bent over his desk and my lace panties he kept as a souvenir.
"Once without protection?" He shot an imaginary gun and blew it. "We shoot to kill. My boys are goddamn ninjas." Oh lord, this man. Some days I want to slap him silly.
"Yes, you and your boys did good. Neither of whom are getting a goddamn swimming certificate. We get a baby." Edward gently pushed me down onto the bed and trailed kisses from my throat to my stomach.
"Hey, there," he whispered to my stomach. "I'm your dad, and you've already met your mom. Isn't she just beautiful? Well, we both love you very much. If you could close your eyes and ears tonight, that would be great, as your mama and I shall be celebrating." He kissed my stomach and pulled my shirt down, quietly wiping his eyes.
"A baby," he whispered. "A little thing that's half of me and half of you."
"Hopefully. I stopped sleeping with the mailman a few weeks ago." I winked at him.
"You're hilarious." He climbed back up so he was hovering above me and leaned down to kiss me. "Knowing our luck, if it's a boy, he'll come out like Emmett."
"Carry on saying shit like that, and we'll never have sex again." I glared at him.
"Too late for that sweetheart." His voice dropped to a quite whisper "We're going to have a baby—a little Bella or Edward." He gave me a slow, gentle kiss and lay down beside me. "When did you find out?" His hands were running small circles on my stomach.
"I suspected it for a while. I thought it was the side effects of my new pill, and then I took a whole bunch of tests. All positive." I smiled at him.
"Well, we have some celebrating to do," he said.
"Still wanna marry me, Edward Cullen?"
"I have to make an honest woman out of my baby-momma, don't I?"
Our Vegas wedding was just how we wanted it, just us two without any wedding day stress or Elvis. We planned to do the big white wedding a year or so after the baby was born, giving us plenty of time to relax, raise our baby and plan the wedding. Everything was just perfect until we returned from Vegas, and our Saturday morning breakfast turned into a Mafia style sit-down.
Bella and I were just clearing up when Alice and both our moms walked in, unannounced, unexpected and little unwelcome. I didn't have a chance to ask who gave them
a key and permission to make themselves at home here.
"Good morning, kids. You've had nearly a week to yourselves. Have you decided on a date yet?" Hello to you too Renee. Cut straight to the chase I see.
"Actually, we have," Bella answered, shocking us all. She reached to grab my hand. "We want a June wedding." All three ladies looked at her as if she said she wanted to be carried down the aisle by Jumanji and have our wedding officiated by Johnny Depp dressed up as Willy Wonka.
"June?! That's three months away. This isn't a Vegas wedding that you just turn up to and hope for the best!" my mom screeched. I couldn't help but wink at Bella, but her quiet giggle didn't go unnoticed by the three witches.
Alice zeroed in on Bella. "You didn't."
"What?"
"You didn't," Alice repeated
"I have no idea what you're talking about." Bella's inability to suppress her smile was a dead giveaway.
"Bella, you got married without me?! Your only mother!" Renee wailed.
"Firstly, mom, most people only have one mother. Secondly, yes, Edward and I got married. It was great, and we will be happy to share pictures with you," Bella answered. "So, about wedding 2.0, we're thinking June…" Bella's voice trailed off, but then she mumbled into her juice, "of next year or the year the after."
"Next year?! What are you two playing at?" Mom asked. "You have denied me of my only child's wedding, and now you want to wait forever. I'm an old lady; you don't want to live with the guilt of getting married while I curse you from beyond the grave!" Oh, Esme Cullen, you and your dramatics.
"Erm, mom, your other child is sitting right here." Alice pointed to herself.
"I meant my only son," mom muttered.
"Emmett?" Alice and I asked.
"Fine, crush my dreams of seeing my only unmarried son get married. What's wrong with a lovely autumn wedding? I want grandkids sometime before your father is wheeling me about a care home. Why wait so long?" Mom's eyes widened, and she stared at Bella.
"You're not..."
"What?"
"You are!"
"I'm what?" Bella replied, a smile fighting at the corner of her mouth. I leaned in and whispered, "I really need to teach you how to lie properly." I kissed her cheek and stood up.
"Yes, ladies. Bella and I got married last week. We are also very excited to announce that we're going to be having a baby, so let's pick up this wedding talk in about a year and a half. Thank you for crashing my breakfast. I have the day off, so I shall be spending it making love to my wife. You have thirty seconds to leave, and whichever one of you ladies has the key to our house, we would like it back. Have a lovely day." I smiled at all of them.
"Make love and thirty seconds all in one sentence. My future sounds promising, Cullen." Bella smirked at me.
"Oh, I'll show you thirty seconds." I scooped her up and ran for the stairs.
Bella was staring intently at her phone screen. She looked a little frustrated with her lip stuck out and her face scrunched up.
"Whatcha doooing?" I sat down on the bed next to her and kissed her shoulder.
"Looking at baby names," she sighed. "Google, the source of all knowledge, has let me down. I can't find a single normal name. Who in their right mind is naming their child Magdalena? She's just asking to be bullied. And we're not cool enough to name our kid Khaleesi."
"Speak for yourself. I'm probably the coolest person you know. But I don't think I want to name our child after the Mother of Dragons. She and Khal did it a little too much for me to want to name our innocent cherub Khaleesi."
"Look at the rest of them! Why is Apple on this list. Or Margarita. A child belongs in a bassinet, not on a damn menu."
"Just a thought: instead of Margarita, how about Martini? Apple Martini Cullen? It's got a ring to it, right?" That got me an elbow in the ribs.
"Here, let's see the list." Curious, I clicked on 'Food baby names'.
"A food baby is what I get when I eat too much Mexican," Bella said.
"Okay, what have we got... Why are Apple, Cherry, Peach and Lemon on a baby name list?" I didn't understand the human race sometimes.
"Four kids later we could open a Cullen Pie shop," Bella suggested, and I tossed her phone aside.
"Okay, how about some normal baby names. None of these indie, celebrity names or ones from a cook book or wine list. What about Chloe?"
"A Kardashian already took that. Peyton?"
"I think of Peyton Manning, I don't think you want to be pushing that out of you anytime soon. Hannah?"
"She bullied me in the third grade. Kate?"
"She was my first girlfriend. Hayley?"
"Ew. I can't believe you dated Kate. She was so damn preppy. I like Hayley; it's on the list. What if we have a boy?"
"Hmmm, what about Thor?"
A week later, over dinner, our conversation went from Alice complaining about catching mom and dad in the laundry room to discussing baby names.
"You should name your kid something ending with a vowel, like when I shout at Emmett or Max, it's not as fun as shouting SOO-PHAAYYY! The vowel carries and the kid knows she's in trouble. It's magical," Rose said. Poor little Sophie.
"Oh, your child also needs a middle name so they know when they're in deep shit," Alice added.
"You know Donald Trump named his daughter Tiffany after his favorite shop," Jasper added with a laugh.
"Hmm, so what have we got then, Target and Liquor Store Cullen?" Edward replied.
"And if you're growing twins, you have to give them an epic duo name," Emmett said, chugging back his wine.
"What, name them Bert and Ernie?" I asked, wondering how much wine he had actually had.
"No. More like Bill and Ted or Mulder and Scully."
"I think we'll pass on the X-Files names there, Emmett."
EIGHT MONTHS AFTER VEGAS
I was coming to crunch time, or D Day, as Edward liked to call it. I was two days away from my due date and bored of Netflix, E! and Cosmo. Considering I couldn't see my own feet and was retaining more water than a hippo-sized cucumber, there wasn't much I could do from those pages anyway.
And then it happened.
The pain.
The shock.
The shocking pain.
The shocking painful pain.
I'm sure you get the picture. It hurt. A lot.
This wasn't a trial run. Or an 'I-shouldn't-have-that-spicy-burrito' false alarm.
"EDDDWARRRDDDD!"
Edward came running down the stairs in just his pajama pants.
"Bella, are you okay?"
"No, I'm not okay. Your spawn is trying to break out of me!"
"I'm going to go get your bag. Wait right here."
"Where do you think I'm going to waddle to?! And put on a damn shirt. I can't raise my leg above my knee. I can't deal with whorish nurses today."
"You're doing great, Bella."
"Edward?"
"Yes, darling?"
"Don't patronize me."
"Do you have a vagina?"
"No."
"Have you ever been pregnant?"
"No."
"Have you ever had the pleasure of pushing a live human out of a vagina?"
"No."
"Then your opinion does not matter."
"Oh, god! I'm never coming to your office again."
"Technically, you were coming in my office, and it was all your idea Bella."
"You were a very willing participant, weren't you, asshole?! You should be grateful my arm can't reach that scalpel."
"AHHHHHHHH MOTHER FUDGE CAKES TWAT WAFFLE OF A WANK BISCUIT!"
"I have to give you ten points for the creative curse there, Bells."
"Yeah, put my prize next to you and your swimmers' goddamn swimming certificate."
"It's a baby—a little girl."
"Did you think this was just a really long episode of 'Punk'd'? Yes, Edward. It's a baby."
I slowly blinked the sleep out of my eyes to see Edward sitting down, holding our little girl. His finger ran across her cheeks, down her nose, along her closed fists. She stirred, and he held her closer to his chest.
"Hey there, little one. Your momma has had a tough day today. She's said a lot of bad words and threatened to kill me twice, but she gave me the best thing ever. She gave me you. She needs her rest, okay, beautiful?" he whispered.
She opened her hand and wrapped her five tiny fingers around his pinky.
"That's right. You hold on to Daddy, sweetheart."
She would bite down on his finger when she started teething.
He would hold both her hands as she took her first shaky steps.
She would hold on to him as he placed her on his feet and danced on our wedding day.
And I would hold to him for guidance, love and support when she went on her first date, or drove off to her prom, or when she walked down the aisle on her wedding day.
PRESENT DAY
After three years of raising our little one and distracting Mom, Alice and Esme from wedding talk, we finally decided it was time. The church doors opened, and Amelia walked in, showering herself with flowers, followed by Rose and Alice.
"You look beautiful, Bella," my dad whispered.
"Why thank you, Chief Swan. You don't scrub up too bad yourself." I kissed his blushing cheek.
"Well, I had to stay in shape to keep up with that mother of yours." He winked "And thanks for inviting us to this one. I would hate to shoot Edward."
Standing at the altar, surrounded by our loved ones, Edward wrapped one arm securely around me, leaned down and kissed me. It was borderline church appropriate and borderline bedroom norm.
He pulled back, and I placed both my hands on the sides of his face, blinking back tears.
"I love you so much, Edward Cullen,"
"I love you more, Bella Cullen," His smile was so wide and his eyes so alight that I couldn't help but tell him.
"I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant," I whispered, smiling up at him.
Well, I thought I'd whispered it, but the gasps from the congregation and the priest suggested otherwise.
"Father, we were married both times. Sort of." And with that, Edward reached down and scooped me up, laughing as he ran us out of the church.
"Well, that was one way to break the news to everyone."
Edward and I were spending the night in the honeymoon suite of the hotel, and then we were heading off to Cape Verde. Alice had picked me up a test, and turns out peeing on a stick in a wedding dress isn't an easy feat. But it was official. We were having another little one.
A dishevelled Jasper finally made it in after ridiculous delays and his very own sequel to Planes, Trains and Automobiles.
"My poor man. Did you change in the cab?" Alice asked, kissing her husband.
"Yeah, sorry I couldn't make it, guys. I'll be there next time. I promise," he joked. "Did I miss Edward crying?"
"No, you missed Bella announcing to the whole congregation that she's got a bun in the oven," Emmett explained.
"Come again?" Jasper asked.
"Yeah, looks like Edward did. We're having another little one," I said, smiling at my husband.
"So, this is your thing, huh?" Emmett asked.
"Our thing?" Edward and I questioned. His hands were running slowly up and down my arms as we sat in the hotel gardens. All the guests had disappeared, and the only people who really mattered surrounded us.
"Like me and Rosie, we celebrate every three years together with a new car since that's how long it took her to say yes to me. And when we get a new car, only good things happen, right Rosie?" Emmett said winking at her. "You two get married every time you're pregnant. You might want to rethink that. Weddings are freaking expensive, man."
"Hilarious, and now we have a two-year-old, who's hyped up on wedding cake, thanks to her grandparents, to break the news to."
Edward and I walked over to Amelia, who was sitting between both of her grandfathers.
"And then me an' my friend, Katie, looked for Mama and Daddy everywhere, but couldn't finded them, and we got scared, and it was getting so dark! But then we did. They were in the garage, and Mama's shirt was all funny and had lost all the buttons, and her hair was all messy, and Daddy was all red. Oh! An' then Mama and Daddy took us out for pizza." Amelia smiled, oblivious of Carlisle suppressing his chuckles and my father turning red. Well that's the last time I'm bribing a three-year-old with pizza.
"Okay, sweetie. I'll talk to your mom and dad for leaving you alone in the garden for that long. Okay, this granddad of yours needs a drink." My dad kissed her cheek and walked off.
"Well, hello there, Amelia." Edward picked her up and threw her up above him, catching her to only elicit more giggles as he blew a raspberry on her cheek and placed loud kisses all over her face. "You, my dear, taste like cake. How many slices have you had, princess?"
Amelia scrunched up her face and started counting, raising a short, chubby finger each time. "Well, I tooked one myself; then Grandpa Carlisle gave me one, and then Grandma Renee and Esme gave me theirs, and then Grandpa Charlie got me another one, and then I asked the wedding man from the church to get me one. I didn't like the chicken, and I had to eat something, right, Mommy?"
"Wise child. Anyway, my wife is taking shots at the bar with a hot waiter. I'll catch you kids later." Carlisle kissed Amelia and me on our cheeks and went to sober up his wife.
"So, Amelia, your dad and I want to talk to you about something." Amelia was now in Edward's lap as I knelt in front of her. "Do you remember last year when Aunt Rose got really big and then she had baby Noah?"
"Yeah, she looked like she had eated a watermelon, but Noah wasn't a watermelon. He was a baby."
"Yes, Aunt Rosalie had a baby. Well, right now, there's a baby growing in Mommy's tummy. You are going to have a little sister or brother next spring." Amelia was silent for a moment; her face said she was thinking about something. Edward reached down to squeeze my hand.
"Can you make it a girl? 'Cause I lost my dolly, an' I know grandma will buy her a new one, and I can play wif it. Please?" I stared at my daughter, bewildered. I wasn't sure what reaction I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't that. "I'm going to go and get some more cake now." She kissed her dad on the cheek and skipped off to sweet talk my dad into giving her more sugar.
FIVE YEARS LATER
The first time I told my husband I was expecting, we were in a hotel room in Vegas. The second time, I announced it in front of all my wedding guests. But this time, for our third and final child, I wanted something a little different. And that was why Rosalie was currently writing on my chest in edible body pen.
An hour later, Rosalie had gone, my top was back on, and our two kids were spending the night at their grandparents'. My husband had just walked through the door, not wearing the shirt I ironed for him last night.
"I got projectiled on." He sighed. "White shirts and vomit don't go. Hell, any shirt and vomit don't go." You're telling me. "Enough about my vomit. I haven't missed my girls, have I?" And this was why I loved this man—exhausted after a long day at work, he still made sure he kissed the girls goodnight after reading to them. On his days off, he didn't sleep in. He got up and made bed-sheet forts with them in the living room for us to have breakfast in. The thought of him holding another baby in his arms was just…
I lunged forward and kissed him, fisting his scrub top in both hands and holding him to me. His hands wrapped around me, pulling me closer as he moaned. "I'm guessing we have an empty house." He smiled at me.
"You hungry?" I asked. He shook his head.
"Good," I said as I grabbed his hand and ran for the stairs.
His scrub top went by the time we hit the landing. My shirt disappeared soon after, and Edward noticed something different. He stepped back to see Rosalie's handiwork.
Written in an edible chocolate pen across the top of my breasts were the words: 'These are going to get bigger again.'
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Public voting: August 26, 2013 to September 13, 2013.