The Bum Reviews: Jaws:
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Bum Reviews or TGWTG. Please enjoy! :)
And now it's time for "Bum Reviews, with Chester A Bum.
Tonight's Review: Jaws
OHH, MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
(singing) "Farewell, and adeu to ye fair spanish"-SPOILERS!
There's this girl, called Chrissie, and she's like:
-I'm going swimming!
And her date's like:
-I'm not drunk! (falls)
So then, Chrissie goes swimming, but what she doesn't know is that there's a shark in the water-du, nu du nu du nu du nu du nu du dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun-and then Chrissie's like:
-AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! OH, GOD IT HURTS! GAAARRRHHHH! (glub, glub, glub)
So then, the next morning, this guy, called Chief Brody, finds Chrissie's body, and then goes to tell the Mayor that the beaches have to be closed, but the Mayor's like:
-Those beaches stay open!
And then Brody's like:
-Douschbag!
So then he decides to call in this guy with round glasses and a beard, named Matt Hooper, and he's a scientist!
I was a scientist once! I used to study slugs!
So after this kid, gets eaten on a raft, his Mom comes up, and slaps Brody in the face!
And she's like:
-My boy is dead!
And then Brody's like:
-What do you want me to do about it?!
Then, Hooper and Brody cut open the shark, and they find all this junk inside it!
I cut open a shark once! I found my favourite sweater!
But on the 4th of July, the shark swims into the pond, eats a guy in a boat, and then Brody's wife Ellen's like:
-But our eldest son, Micheal's in the Pond!
And Brody's like:
-Of, course!
So in the end, they eventually hire this guy, Quint, and he's like:
-Hi, I'm Quint, I'm the guy who knew about this all along and been lurking in the shadows the whole movie, waiting for a moment like this! I'll catch this bird for ya, but it ain't gonna be easy, watch me scratch my fingernails down the chalkboard for attention! (screeeeeeeeecchhhh!)
But Hooper's like:
-I don't trust him!
And then Quint's like:
-Shut up City Hands, and get on the boat!
:0
So they all say good-bye to their loved ones:
-Be careful!
-Yeah, yeah!
And head out to sea on Quint's vessel, "the Orca",
-Quint says:
-Brody, throw crappy bits of fish-guts and chum over the boat!
-Who made you Captain?!
-I elected myself, even though you can tell I'm not gonna be here for much longer!
-Oh!
So, grumbling angry Brody throws chum into the water, but then the Shark's head comes up! And Brody's like:
-We're gonna need a bigger boat!
And then I'm like:
-Ya think!
So for some reason, the guys all get drunk, and are like:
-Look at my scar!
-Mine's bigger than yours!
And then they start singing:
(singing) "Show me the way to go home!"
But then the shark attacks the boat! And they all think it will help if they shoot at it with big yellow barrels!
I was shot at with big yellow barrels once! In hind-sight, I don't think I should have been standing to close to an angry Donkey Kong!
Hooper decides that he's gonna go cage-diving. I've been cage-diving! It's a lot of fun! Except that you've got a monster shark trying to eat you! So then Hooper drops the shark-poison stick, and then he's like:
-Dammit! I dropped my shark-stick, now I gotta swim to the bottom of the ocean so that the people up above think I'm dead!
But then, the shark jumps on the boat, and eats Quint, and then Quint's like:
-NOOOO! NOOOO! I'M BEING EATEN ALIVE! NOO! I'M LOSING ALL MY KETCHUP! NOOOO!
So Brody is the only one left on the boat now, and then he grabs Quint's gun and is all like:
-Enough, is Enough!
Oh, wait, wrong movie!
And the shark is coming at him really fast, so Brody stuffs an oxygen tank in his mouth! And then the shark comes really fast at the boat, and he's like:
-I'm gonna sink your boat, and munch you up!
-Wait, when did you start talking?
-Oh, I mean-er (cough, cough!) Grr, roar, eerr!
So then Brody pulls the trigger on him, and then he's like:
-Smile you Son of a Bi-
BOOM!
And then Brody's really happy, and then Hooper's okay, and then their both like:
-I used to hate the water!
-Can't imagine why!
Hmm, I think I have a theory...!
And so they swim back to shore and live happilly ever after in the world of Amity Island!
I really liked this movie Jaws, but what I can't understand is, why did they have to make any more? Jaws 2 was good, but that's it? Right?! Wrong?! Aparently in Jaws 2, his sister came back for revenge!
My sister came back for revenge, once! I stole her favourite pencil! Wait, I have a sister?!
Anyway! Jaws 2 wasn't bad, I mean it still had a few of the actors from the first movie, who are just a little older, and that's okay. But I mean, come on!
His brother, his cousin, his father, his Uncle Joe all come back for revenge?!
Wow, we must have more monster sharks in the water then we thought, I'm going to think twice before going in the water now!
This is Chester A Bum saying: CHANGE! YA GOT CHANGE! AW COME ON, HELP A FELLA OUT HERE! IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME CHANGE, YOU'LL BE EATEN BY A MONSTER SHARK THE NEXT TIME YOU GO SWIMMING!
Seriously though, Jaws was an AMAZING movie, and a lot better compared with it's sequels. Steven Speilberg did a great job, don't you think? Anyway, thanks for reading, (if your still here!) and don't forget to review! :)
-/\-\o/-HELP, SHARK!