Feel Good Drag, a twilight fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own Eclipse, or any of Stephanie Meyer's books; I also don't own the song Feel Good Drag by Anberlin.

In the end it didn't matter, nothing mattered, every time I loved her, cared for her, protected her, it's like it never happened like I never tried. Hell I tried – I tried so god damn hard to win her over, at least she finally knows she loves me, maybe that will be enough for me, even though I know it won't be. Well at least I went out with a hell of a bang, I kissed her I finally kissed her. God that kiss was amazing, why couldn't she just enjoy it, why did she have to fight our love, why does she still fight it? Why couldn't she just accept it? My amazing Bella if only she would let me be with her I could save her from – from changing into – into… one of them, even when I think the words, they come out twisted with hate, and vengeance. When she… changes I won't be able to handle it, I already know the hurt, the pain it's just going to be to much even right now it's to much; I'm going to have to bolt soon. Escape from all these problems all the fucking issues I have in my life right now, because running helps, it just helps I don't know why or how all I know is it does. I think it's that feeling of freedom knowing you can escape and no one has control over you, knowing you have free will to do whatever you want. I have to leave, everything is to much I can't fight it anymore, why did she have to mess me up so fucking much, why did she have to be so damn perfect and make me fall in love with her?

"I'm here for you," she said
And we can stay for awhile,
My boyfriend's gone
We can just pretend.
Lips that need no introduction
Now who's the greater sin
Your drab eyes seem to invite
(Tell me darling) Where do we begin.

Her fucking boyfriend just had to dump her for the greater good why the hell she believes that guy I will never understand. Then she comes running to me for help because she's so fucking hurt and is falling apart, god why did she have to do that, my life would be so much easier if she hadn't. But do I really wish that, wish I didn't have those few moments with her, wish I had never met her, never loved her? I can't answer that question because I'm so damn afraid of what the answer might be so instead I'll forget, pretend I'm not to blame, pretend nothing happened, pretend I never loved her. Instead I'll wonder what the hell was she thinking all those times we were together, when she was falling in love with me? How the hell could she do this to me all those times even when she knew how much she was fucking hurting me? God, it just isn't fair she just has to love that fucking bloodsucker so much more than me; why couldn't I just be good enough for her? Why does she have to leave me when she has already promised to stay? Haven't I already been through enough pain, through losing my mom, through losing my whole god damn life when I started turning into this fucking wolf, hell I didn't think anything could hurt me like she's hurting me right now.

Was this over before...
Before it ever began?
Your kiss, your calls, your crutch
Like the devil's got your hand
This was over before
Before it ever began
Your lips, your lies, your lust
Like the devil's in your hands

We never even got a fucking chance to have a god damn relationship, she never even gave it a chance, never gave us a chance to be together to love each other. She loves me I know she does she just doesn't want to, so she will never admit it but its true she does love me, that kiss proves everything. It was amazing even though I'm pissed I will probably never get to kiss her again thanks to that fucking bloodsucker. When she turns into that I know I'm going to have to leave, to escape. Maybe I will be able to out run all these damn thoughts spinning around my head, they hurt way to much even in this form I can still feel them. That God damn amazing kiss was just too much, it's too much to handle you can only ask so much of one person. I blame her for everything she just had to mess my head, and my heart up so damn much, I know my thinking probably isn't rational right now but I just don't give a fuck.

Everyone in this town
Is seeing somebody else
Everybody's tired of someone
Our eyes wander for help
Prayers that need no answer now
I'm tired of who I am
You were my greatest mistake
I fell in love with your sin
Your littlest sin

At least the pack has the decency to shut the hell up right now and prepare for the fight; otherwise I'm not sure what I would do, I don't need a nanny, never have, I just have to – to figure out how to deal with this. I want to scream, I want to run, I want to escape from this pain, it's cutting my heart ripping it, it feels like a damn knife has been shoved in then twisted around a couple of times. What is up with this town, with this place I've grown up here my whole life and nothing happens, then one god damn day she shows up and my whole worlds upside down. I hate that, I hate how she has so much fucking control over me its driving me crazy I'm losing it I know I am, but she just has to much control over me why does she still care about me so much? Can't she just deliver the final blow and rip my heart to shreds, but no she doesn't have the guts to do that instead it looks like I'm in for the long painful death of my heart. God I made such a mistake when I fell in love with her, at least I'll admit I'm in love with her she won't even admit that fucking much; why did I fall in love with her again?

Why do I have to love her, can't I just find my fucking imprint already, but I don't even want that, because then I would lose any freedom I have right now, which is regrettably not much. If only we had gotten a chance to be together, instead our chance was lost in everything else, if he was never here before we would've been, could've been perfect for each other. Instead she taunts me without knowing it, hurts me without thinking, breaks everything I've ever given her without a care in the world, because in the end she will be fine, I will be lucky if I survive in the end. I help her, even though its like taking drugs when you know you should stop, self inflicting pain just so I can be happy with her, and pretend, lie to myself, saying she loves me the most. It hurts. Pain blinding pain I'm so close to losing my mind, my thoughts, all my sanity. I can't though not yet, I have to fight against the newborns for her, so I can save her, maybe I could try a little suicide attempt; whom would it hurt. but me?

Failure is your disease
You want my outline drawn
You were my greatest failure
Discourse your saving song

Suicide? Have I really lost it so much that I'm willing to kill myself, to die just to escape this pain, I really should stop lying to myself I suppose it's only going to make it worse in the end. I guess I really do have to accept that I lost after this horribly wonderful time we've had together so far, after we kissed, after we loved, after we were together, she chose him. Hell I can't believe I ever let myself love her, I can't believe I actually had hope that she might chose me one day, I know she loves me, and now she finally fucking realized she loves me too. It didn't matter though because she still chose him, I guess I'm just not fucking good enough for her, I never will be, what does he have that I don't? I'm so hurt, lost, confused and I feel alone now more than I have ever felt I feel such loss such hurt. I have to figure out what I'm doing, how to escape, when to bolt, if I have any other shitty opinion left to chose from besides bolting that will help me escape the pain. Right now running, bolting, escaping is looking so good to me, to be able to stretch my muscles feel them pull, move, strengthen underneath me. I will have to do something about this hair though it's to damn long in wolf form after all I only kept it long for her. Well I guess there's no more point to that since I don't have a god damn chance with her anymore, even though I never really did to start with, no matter how much I like to lie to myself, telling myself I did.

I lied to myself from the start we never had a chance she never gave us a chance, why the hell did she have to do that? I helped her, I cared for her, she was my life, I guess that's all changing though, I can't help but wish to go back to that time when things were happy even though I was lying to myself. No! I can't think like that I have to remember it's all their god damn fault those stinking, fucking horrid bloodsuckers, and its her fault too I just I don't want to admit it I can't, it hurts to much to. That's why I have to escape that's why I have to remember I don't want that pain, I don't want to go back. I want to run, to sprint, to be free, to have no one have any more fucking god damn control over me anymore I could live the rest of my life as a wolf and that would be enough for me. No matter what I can't go back I can't lie to myself, to her, or to anyone else anymore I'm sick of it, for once in my life I want to control my life. Even if I do go back I just know I won't be able to handle it, the pain, the hurt, the loss it would destroy me.

Authors Note: Sorry about all the cussing but I always pictured Jacob as one to cuss when he was mad, or hurt anyways I hope you liked it please review it, whether you hated it or loved it or just want to comment. I am looking for a beta to help edit my grammar mistakes as you can probably tell I need one, private message me or say something in a review. Thanks for reading my story.