The Knight and the Jester
by McPoodle (f.k.a. Newton)
This is a Chip 'n' Dale Rescue Rangers story that crosses over with Quantum Leap and also a minor crossover with The X-Files. In a possibly futile effort to encourage more people to read this, I've stuck short explanations of both crossover series into the last chapter of this story, for those who at least vaguely remember both series.
"The Knight and the Jester" was originally posted on the Acorn Cafe storyboard in November of 2001 using my previous pen name of "Newton".
Chapter 1
"Scully, let me tell you about the Great Thing from Beyond.
"It was born in the seething currents that attended the birth of the Known Universe. It was the first life form to ever exist, a being of pure energy. It has witnessed the birth and death of countless civilizations. It has traveled from star to star over the eons, leaving a swath of despair and devastation in its wake. Then it came to Earth, and here is where it has decided to stay, because Earth is so full of life and so vulnerable to its monstrous appetite.
"The Great Thing is capable of possessing human hosts and using them to spread horror and misery. It has been recognized throughout human history, and it has been given many names: Tiamat, Loki, Shiva, the Trickster, the Greek god Chaos, and a host of others. It is responsible for the Fall of Troy, the Assyrian Empire, the Burning of Rome (and Chicago), the Alibigensian Crusade, the Saint Bartholomew's Day Massacre, the Salem Witch Hunt, the Black Hole of Calcutta, and the cancellation of 'Flash, the Wonder Dog'. It has possessed Caligula, Heliogabalus, Wu Tsung, Peter the Hermit, Caesare Borgia, Ivan the Terrible, Robespierre, and possibly the evil puppet Trego the Terrible. Now it is occupying the body of Timothy Bouffant.
"In all of its activities it has been steadfastly pursuing one ultimate objective: the self-destruction of the human race, in the most horrific manner possible. Now I think I know how to stop it. At 6:45 tomorrow morning, the two of us will storm the governor's mansion..."
"Hold it right there, Mulder. Before we break into yet another government building, satisfy my curiosity by answering a few questions."
"OK, shoot."
"First, if this...Thing...is trying to destroy us, how did the world make it through the Cold War? Don't you think it possible that we may be dealing with two creatures: a Little Thing from Beyond and a terrific press agent?"
"Laugh if you want, it won't save you in the end. As for the Great Thing's recent activities, there's a theory that a noted archeologist in New England defeated it in either the late 30's or early 40's. The Great Thing was weakened and exiled to a parallel dimension. It is thought that it must have regained its strength in that dimension and found a 'door between dimensions' to return here."
"Very well. The only other thing I want to know is where you obtained your information about this 'dire threat'."
"From the Lone Gunmen."
"I thought as much. Mulder, there is no such thing as the Great Thing from Beyond. They were just pulling your leg, again."
"But...how can you know that? The Thing explains so many...things!"
"'Great Thing From Beyond' is the name of a song by the heavy metal band Iron Goose. It's from their latest album, which I believe is called Trego the Terrible Puppet."
"But...but...just because it's a song doesn't mean it can't be based on reality!"
The Great Thing from Beyond lived in the largest walnut tree in the park. It was still recovering from its latest defeat in a strange universe parallel to our own. It had only just managed to escape from that place to Limbo, and after a timeless interval, it had made its way through an almost-closed door between dimensions to return to this universe and the planet Earth. After nearly a year of feeding off of the life force of this tree, it was finally strong enough to possess the mind of a weak-willed woodland creature and begin its rise to power and destruction once again.
Mepps the cat was the first to spot them. "Hey, boss!" he whined. "I found the Rescue Rangers!"
The animal crime lord Fat Cat looked up the walnut tree Mepps was pointing to, and then turned to the rest of his lackeys. "Well don't just stand there, you dolts! Get up there and re-steal my diamond!"
A few branches up, Chip cast a withering glance at Dale. "'They'll never find us up here', huh?" Dale shrugged sheepishly. "Okay, men, man the walnuts!" As Dale, Monterey Jack, and Zipper rushed into their prearranged positions, Chip scanned the canopy of the tree for Gadget.
"Hey, Chip!" she cried.
"What is it?"
"I think I've figured out an entirely new way to harvest walnuts!"
"Uh, will that help right now?" Chip hated it when he had to pull her back to reality.
"Well, no, not really. I guess I could follow up on it later." She went back to work on her secret weapon. Chip looked down at the rapidly climbing Mepps, Wart and Snout and hoped she would finish it before their time ran out. With a glance at the large stolen diamond at his feet, he ran to one of the piles of picked walnuts and began throwing them at Wart.
The fourth of Fat Cat's cronies, Mole, shaded his blinded eyes and tried to look up the tree. "My, that's awfully high!" he exclaimed. "Do I have to climb the tree too, Fat Cat? I'm afraid of heights!"
Fat Cat sighed. "No, Mole, you don't have to climb the tree. Your job is to catch the diamond when they drop it. Or," he added as an afterthought as a stray walnut beaned Mole, "anything else that may fall, for that matter."
Mole got up, shook his head to clear it of cobwebs (as if that will do any good, thought Fat Cat) and held his hands up. "I'm ready for that diamond any time, guys!"
The battle waged on. Fat Cat stood calmly as each of his minions was knocked down off the tree, brushed themselves off, and climbed up again. Mole, whose arms were getting tired, turned his head back to Fat Cat. "Isn't this the point where you give up on us and get it yourself?"
Fat Cat gave Mole a strange look. "That was remarkably close to an intelligent thought for someone as mentally myopic as you are. Actually, I was waiting for those rodents to run out of walnuts. Which they...just did."
Fat Cat rapidly made his way up the tree towards Chip and the diamond, pushing his flunkies aside as he did so. Monterey alerted Chip to the danger and made a flying leap for the massive feline, but was swatted in mid-air. He hit Mepps on the way down, and so had something to break his fall.
Chip never heard the warning, being too busy urging Gadget to hurry up loading her invention, a walnut-shooter. Suddenly Fat Cat's paw grabbed Chip's legs. Chip tossed the diamond to Dale. Fat Cat's eyes followed his prize, but he did not let go of the Ranger.
"I'm getting something out of this tree," growled Fat Cat, "if not the diamond, then one of you."
Chip wrapped his arms around the branch above him and held on for dear life as Fat Cat began pulling, harder and harder. Dale quickly looked around him. He saw Zipper come in for a dive, but Fat Cat saw him as well and ducked at just the right moment, causing Zipper to crash into the branch. Monterey was climbing, but not fast enough, and Gadget was still not ready yet. Dale watched the struggle between his best friend and the team's worst enemy, and felt that if he didn't act soon it would end in injury for Chip...or much worse. So he reached for the only thing left to throw and pitched it. Fat Cat cried out in surprise. He lost his footing, suspended now only by Chip's grip. The cat's tonnage was too much for the chipmunk, and the two of them plunged downward. Fat Cat's paw banged against a tree branch, causing him to release Chip. Fat Cat crashed the rest of the way through the branches to the ground, landing unconscious. He was picked up by his employees and hustled out of the park and onto the back of a passing human pickup truck. On his paunch rested the diamond Dale had thrown.
A voice drifted down from the top of the tree, "Okay, I think I'm ready now! Oh, where did Fat Cat's gang go?" It was then that Gadget saw Dale cradling the form of Chip, who had bounced his head off of the side of the tree after being released. She quickly made her way to his side, to be joined by Monterey and Zipper.
Dale tried desperately to wake him. "Chip, Chip! Are you all right! Speak to me!"
Chip opened his eyes in disgust and sprang to his feet. "Of course I'm all right, numbskull! How could you throw away the diamond like that!"
Dale gaped for a second before responding. "I did it to save your life!"
"I could take care of myself! Fat Cat is probably half-way to the docks already--we'll never catch up with him now!"
At this point the argument degenerated into a rapid stream of chipmunkese. Monterey, Gadget, and Zipper looked at each other wearily. Zipper flew towards the two chipmunks, but at that moment Chip's knees failed him and he fell down.