A/N: I keep seeing these five and one fics everywhere and I'm jumping on the bandwagon. There was an incident I saw last week at the shooting range involving a dumb girl, a dumber boyfriend, a big gun, and a predictably painful (for her) situation. (As a side note, I AM a girl, and I CAN shoot, so I can say this!) It made me wonder if Ironhide ever accidentally discharged anything in his life cycle, because even the best firearms instructors sometimes screw up.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything recognizable here, from Transformers or otherwise.

1. Mojo

Sam was a little worried about Mojo.

Ever since the fateful confrontation in the back yard with Ironhide, Mojo had been strangely affectionate toward the giant mech whenever he was around. Sam thought that maybe Mojo had gone crazy, or he was on a mission to make Ironhide his friend. Whichever the case, nothing related to Mojo and Ironhide could ever end well.

"Sam, what's with Mojo? He's been staring at Ironhide the entire time we've been here," Mikaela asked, leaning up against the picnic table. The teens were enjoying themselves at a small barbecue organized by Will and Sarah in celebration of Annabelle's first birthday. Most the Autobots were present as well, relaxing for one day among friends.

Sam stuffed a spoonful of baked beans in his mouth and shrugged. "Dunno. Seems like Mojo thinks he's Ironhide's master or something, especially after he peed on him when they first met."

Mikeala buried her head in her arms and snorted a laugh. "Yeah right. Because 'Hide wouldn't have vaporized your Mom's dog had you not intervened."

Sam frowned as the object of the conversation jumped up on the bench of the table and began wagging his tail. Sam broke off a piece of his hamburger and fed Mojo a tiny piece. "Don't say that. Ironhide would never hurt that dog."

Mikaela raised one eyebrow, daring Sam to prove otherwise. "Oh really? Want to bet?"

As the kids were talking, two loud bangs and a crash were heard from behind a row of trees surrounding Will's house. Bumblebee came roaring back through the clearing in his alt mode, kicking up dust and gravel as he skidded to a halt and transformed. 'Bee took cover behind Prime's legs, waiting for the expected heavy footsteps of the Autobot weapons specialist. Prime, being the tallest and able to see over the trees, raised one optic ridge when he saw his longtime friend. He gently sidestepped, exposing Bumblebee from his hiding spot.

"Youngling, you created this mess. I'm not protecting you from him."

Bee made a pathetic whimper and sat down in the dirt, resigned to his fate.

Ironhide finally came into view, soaked from head to toe in what looked like weeds and mud from the swamp on the back portion of the Lennox property.

Will walked up and shot 'Bee an appreciative look. "Wow. How'd you manage that on?"

Bumblebee's speakers cackled to life. 'I got skills, baby!'

Ironhide stomped up, the cannon gyros spinning and the barrels warming to fire. He wasn't going to hurt 'Bee. At least, he wasn't going to hurt him that badly. He just wanted the ambitious young 'Bot to feel his pain. But before he could execute the fire command, Mojo jumped down from the table and ran right in front of Bumblebee's left foot. The tiny Chihuahua barked madly, baring his teeth and daring the huge mech to a fight.

Seeing this, Sam ran up and snatched Mojo from in front of his guardian. "No! Ironhide! Don't shoot!"

Ironhide stopped dead in his tracks, his processer nearly executing the fire command. Cocking his head to the side, he growled. The first string of curses was in English, the second set was in Cybertronian and was enough to make Ratchet cringe.

"It's okay, Mojo. I'll protect you from the mean, ugly Swamp Thing," Sam cooed, cradling the dog gently in one hand. He was completely oblivious to the murderous expression on 'Hide's face.

Will snorted a laugh while rolling his eyes at Sam's baby talk to the dog. "Swamp Thing. I like it."

2. Ratchet

Ironhide did everything he could to avoid his annual service. It wasn't that he didn't trust Ratchet; certainly the yellow mech was the best medic there was. He just really despised being poked and prodded, even if was by a friend for his own good. 'Hide had always been the type of mech that knew when something was wrong, and he never felt he needed much preventative maintenance. It was just a hassle anyway.

"Ironhide. You're next," Ratchet said, poking his head out of the medical wing of the base.

Hide grumbled but complied, following the medic dutifully to the outdoor portion of medical, the one used for live fire tests, and sat down with a huff. He was only doing this because Optimus ordered it. Before Ratchet could begin the slew of annoying questions all doctors of any race seem to ask, Ironhide said, "No, nothing's leaking, squeaking, or otherwise painful. I am not having trouble processing anything and I feel just fine. Can I go now?"

"No. Sit still. I'm doing this checkup whether you like it or not. Prime's orders, 'Hide. We're going to start with those cannons of yours. Safeties on, please."

"All right. Let's just get this over with." Ironhide clicked a couple of small switches in his forearms and rendered the triggers of his cannons unusable. He held out both arms for Ratchet to being inspecting the weapons. "Safeties on."

Ratchet stepped around the front of Ironhide and began gently poking the cannons and their connections to the weapons specialist. Maintaining the actual firing mechanisms was 'Hide's job; maintaining the way the cannons connected to and communicated with 'Hide's body was Ratchet's. "Okay, good. Cycle through the firing process, please. Your left canon first"

Ironhide deactivated the safeties on the right gun, pointed it downrange and rotated through the firing process.

Ratchet's optics went wide when he saw the telltale blue and orange glow a real projectile loading through the feed tubes of each ammo supply. "IRONHIDE! STOP!" Ratchet leapt forward, grabbed one of Wheeljack's screwdrivers off the workbench, and plunged it into the relay port to keep the cannon from going off.

Ironhide sat still, optics wide. "What are you doing, 'Ratch?"

Ratchet reached up a cuffed Ironhide in the back of the head with the biggest wrench he had on his body. "Are you deaf? I said cycle your left cannon first, not your right! What are you trying to do? Offline me?"

Ironhide, though mortified at his mistake, still managed to smirk. "Well, if it keeps me from my annual service, maybe."

3. Skids and Mudflap

Optimus Prime's rumbling footsteps caught the attention of the humans and Autobots in the recreation area. Several heads popped up and turned, most nodding to acknowledge the Autobot leader. The one Prime was searching for, however, did so much as flinch a servo. Optimus strolled up to his weapons specialist, the latter laying casually on the extra large, specially designed couch. Air puffed through 'Hide's vents, rattling the fans and producing a strange version of a Cybertronian snore. Frowing, Prime said sharply, "Ironhide."

Ironhide slowly onlined his optics. Unless he was awoken with the sound of exploding ordinance, it took a while for his systems to kick in and for him to be fully alert. "What you want, Prime?"

"Major Lennox and his team picked up two more Cybertronian signals who will be entering Earth's atmosphere. Their current trajectory suggests they'll be making landfall somewhere in central Utah in about twelve hours. I would like to send you and Bumblebee to investigate."

Raising himself up on one elbow, Ironhide asked, "'Bots or 'Cons?"

"Unknown at this point. The signals are masked, so you will likely not know until the very last moment. Be prepared for a hostile confrontation, though I hope that won't be necessary."

A grunt came from the weapons specialist. "Primus knows we need all the help we can get." Now fully online, Ironhide sat upright. Nodding in agreement, he said, "Let me go to the armory and I'll be on my way."

"Be safe, old friend," Prime said.

With a cocky smirk, Ironhide retorted, "You know me."

"That's what I'm worried about."

Twelve hours and one very boring drive later, Ironhide and Bumblebee stood in a field near a large lake as the two unknown Cybertronians made landfall. Soaring over their heads, the two comets splashed down into the lake. Steam rose up from the water as the tide from the impact lapped to the shore.

Ironhide and Bumblebee crept to the edge of the water and readied their guns. 'Hide had told 'Bee to keep his superior scanners tuned for any Decepticon signals, either from the new pair or from any 'Cons trying to investigate. Running a scan over the signals still in the water, 'Bee exhaled through his vents.

'All clear, Captain!'

Ironhide relaxed and started to power down his cannons when he heard arguing coming from the lake.

"What's wrong wit you, man? We shoulda been here days ago?" Mudflap's voice could clearly be heard coming from the lake.

'Bee cringed. Skids and Mudflap. He should have known. Noting Ironhide flex his hand in and out of tight fist, Bumblebee started to make his move to physically separate the three.

"I wasn't the one who was holdin' the map, idiot. Prime gave us directions. You didn't follow them," Skids retorted.

Ironhide growled and aimed his cannons. Bumblebee chose that moment to take two big strides and put his body in between the lake and an angry weapons specialist. Ed Harris' voice from 'The Rock' floated out of 'Bee's speakers. 'Stand down, Captain. Stand DOWN, Captain!'

Ironhide eased back on the triggers. If Skids and Mudflap ever had anything to be thankful for, it was that Prime ordered him to go with Bumblebee.

4. Ironhide

Ironhide was a safe mech. He prided himself on being the best of best when it came to all things that fired projectiles. He was the trainer, and as such, he felt he should lead by example.

Shooting himself in the face probably wouldn't do much to help his image, however.

It had started out rather simply. Ironhide was out on the target range that morning, working with Ratchet on some basic targeting drills. Most of the session had been 'Hide trying not to shoot the medic in the mouth for being an idiotic, whining, pain in the aft. But though Ratchet annoyed him, Ironhide grudgingly admitted he wasn't bad with the rifle, and he was downright surgical with the buzzsaws. Not that he shouldn't be, but it was impressive.

Back in the rec area, 'Hide released the catches on his cannons and gently laid his babies on the table. He had yet to unload them, as he wanted to be sure the weapons were always in his possession once clear. He started with the left gun, taking it apart and cleaning each internal mechanism before setting it aside and moving on to the next piece. Some raised voices from down the hall distracted him, 'Hide forgetting about his cannons and rushing out the door to see what the fuss was.

Two hours and a lot of stress later, Ironhide sat heavily back down at the table to finish the job. A simple reconnaissance mission had gone poorly in a hurry, and after being ambushed, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe had both returned to base damaged. After assuring the twins were going to be okay, 'Hide had run to the armory to grab his backup weapons and gone out with Prime on a patrol to try and locate the unknown 'Con who'd hurt the 'Vettes. They'd given up an hour into the search, sure they would find nothing. Whoever did the deed was certainly long gone.

Irohide angrily grabbed the remaining cannon and pointed the barrel directly at himself. In all the commotion, he'd forgotten he'd yet to clear that one. Locking the firing mechanism open, 'Hide's finger moved to the manual trigger to depress so he could take the two main pieces off. When he saw the live round in the chamber, he nearly dropped the weapon in shock. Easing his finger back, Ironhide set the gun gently back to the table and cycled his vents very slowly.

Had he really done that? Had he twitched his finger even a centimeter farther, the cannon would have gone off, and Ratchet would have one more mech lying in his medbay.

Ironhide picked his head up off the table and cleared his cannon properly. He scrubbed in earnest, the heat of embarrassment washing off his body. Looking up every five seconds, 'Hide tried to look nonchalant. He nodded to Prime when the leader entered the room. Sending a silent prayer of thanks skyward, Ironhide felt his cooling fans start to slow as his embarrassment waned. Either Primus was looking out for him, or he still had some tiny bit of good karma banked up, because there was no one around to see his near epic mistake.

5. Galloway

'This fool is terribly misinformed,' in Ironhide's opinion, was nearly the most understated thing he'd ever heard. He hadn't been kidding when he said that he'd tear apart any challengers, and he'd have done it without a second thought. Ironhide hadn't liked the President's choice of National Security Advisor, but 'Hide didn't much care for any type of politician, human or otherwise.

As he aimed his cannons at Galloway's crew, 'Hide thought how easy it would be to 'accidentally' shoot one of them. He'd start with the idiot in the suit and then work his way down. Glacing over at Lennox, he was certain the man who had come to be almost like a brother to him wouldn't really care one way or the other.

But as the logic of the situation flowed through his processor and his CPU spit out the different scenarios' outcomes, 'Hide's optics rolled over Prime's body lying on the ground. Before he could squeeze the trigger, Ironhide thought over his options. Whatever he did would invariably tell the tale of the Autobots and may seal Earth's fate in addition. For however much he wanted to, 'Hide knew he couldn't shoot. Powering down his cannons, 'Hide let his arms fall to his sides.

Lennox had managed to talk Galloway down, and for the time, the immediate threat was driving into the distance. Ironhide wasn't surprised Ratchet wanted to leave Earth. He wanted to leave as well. But, once sentence reminded the medic what a dishonor it would be for the Autobots to leave their job half finished.

"That's not what Optimus would want."

The remaining Autobots and NEST members froze, looking up at the standoff going on between the two remaining senior 'Bots. Whatever they decided would be law, and like it or not, would be respected by both parties. The only thing that was left to decide was what was going to happen.

Ratchet and Ironhide locked optics, and slowly, Ratchet nodded. The decision was made. The Autobots were going to stay and help Earth fight off The Fallen and Megatron.

And they were going to do it without Optimus.

'This is going to be interesting, Primus help us.'

6. The Lennox Family

"Will! I don't care what you have to do, but you need to get rid of whatever it is that's chewing up my garden every night! I work so hard out there, and it's the only thing I do for myself! The only thing! Now, I don't ask much from you, but you need to find those animals, trap them or shoot them! At this point, I don't care what happens, just so long as they're gone!" Sarah Lennox ranted. Turning, she fled the kitchen and slammed the door to the porch.

Will stood in his kitchen and scratched his head. Ever since NEST's formation, his wife had been a little cranky. Perhaps it had something to do with Ironhide, for living with a crabby, ancient, gun-toting Autobot probably wasn't easy for her. Calling after his wife, Will said, "Right! I'll get it done!" Shrugging, Lennox went about his day without giving much more thought to the recent infestation of vermin in the garden.

Later that night, after the family had gone to bed, Ironhide crept out of his garage stall and slowly transformed. It was a beautiful, moonlit night, and 'Hide wanted to enjoy it. Taking a walk around the property, his optics narrowed when he caught sight on four small, furry creatures digging their way under the fences around Sarah's garden. He remembered her rant from earlier in the day and went over to investigate.

For something of Ironhide's extreme size and build, he was fairly quiet. His scanners told him the reddish creatures with pointy ears and bushy tails were foxes, indigenous to many parts of the world. About twenty yards from his targets, 'Hide stepped on an errant stick, the small branch giving way under his immense weight. The accompanying snap had all the foxes scattering in different directions, and Ironhide engaged his targeting system and spun up his cannons in response.

His first shot was definitely a misfire, for it cleared the intended target by several hundred feet and impacted in an area about five feet in front of an old shed the Lennox family used to store old junk. The shed exploded into an impressive ball of flames. Ironhide recalibrated his systems quickly and found his range, the foxes dispatched in four quick shots.

Will and Sarah came running out of the house to find a smug Ironhide with two smoking cannons and five new holes in their property. It was a very good thing they lived in the country, because Will would hate to explain this to his neighbors, if he had any. Both adults shook their heads and wandered back in the house.

"You're helping us clean up tomorrow morning, 'Hide!" Will said as he closed the door.

The next morning, both Sarah and Will were outside inspecting the damage from 'Hide's shooting rampage when Annabelle, in her eight year old glory, came bounding off the porch.

"Daddy! I can't find Buttons!" She latched on to Will's leg, her blue eyes bright with tears.

Will leaned down and picked his daughter up. Wiping her tears, he said, "Buttons? Who's that, Annie?"

"Buttons is the stray doggie that mommy always lets me feed. He won't come in the house, though. We tried."

Will's eyes slid over to his wife, who shrugged innocently and went back to her work. "Well. I guess we'll just have to go look then, won't we?"

Annabelle's eyes lit up. "Yeah! Let's go!"

"Where do you usually find him in the morning?"

The little girl pointed in the direction of the obliterated shed. "He normally sleeps by the old shed. I bring him some food and water every morning there and leave it out of the sun for him."

Will stopped in his tracks. Sarah's head snapped up. She'd completely forgotten about that mangy dog. "Uh, honey, maybe we should wait a little while. Ironhide thought he saw something last night in the yard that could hurt us, so your mommy and I are cleaning up after that. How about you go in the house and play with your dolls, and I'll come get you when we're ready."

"Okay!" Annabelle sped back into the house. The door had barely clicked closed when both Sarah and Will walked up to Ironhide. The humans crossed their arms over their chests and glared up at the weapons specialist. Will cleared his throat. "Ironhide. The shed. The dog."

"What about it?"

Will and Sarah exchanged looks of understanding. Together, they said, "You get to tell her."

"Oh, frag."

**END**