I don't own Twilight or any of it's characters. I was simply inspired one day by an empty bed and a glass of red wine to write something angsty that didn't end up in SM's version of her wonderful books. Please don't hate me too much for the butchering that may ensue. Longer AN at the end of this chapter.

EPOV.

Five weeks, two days, one hour, and twenty seven minutes. That's how long it has been since we left Forks to come here, to start over. To figure out what to do with ourselves now that I had successfully ruined my life and the life my entire family had made for themselves in Forks. I can't take this anymore...

"I don't know how long I'll be gone. I just… I can't stay here like this. I need to be able to deal with things in my own way, Esme." I couldn't bring myself to look my adoptive mother in the face, knowing all too well the anguish that I would find monopolizing her usually radiant features, especially since I was the one at fault for her pain.

I could see Alice in my peripheral vision standing rigid and angry with her gaze pointedly on me. She was 'eavesdropping' from the living room, and had positioned herself purposely just out of Esme's view. She was the picture of a dainty, furious statue with her left hand pressed heel and nails against the glass of the slider door that looked out across the vast expanse of the Denali clan's acreage, her other hand gripping tightly to her left bicep as she stared me down like the dog that I was, nearly burning a hole right through the side of my head. Her back was ramrod straight and her jaws were set in a cold scowl. I did what I could to ignore her, rather unsuccessfully.

We're going to talk about this, Edward. I know where you're planning to go, so don't you think even for half a second that you're doing this alone. Her thoughts were heavy and final and I ground my teeth together in response, doing my best to keep the irritation from my face so that Esme didn't think my frustrations were aimed towards her.

Esme reached an unsteady hand up to gingerly cradle the side of my face. Not able to trust her voice, she instead aimed her thoughts at me as she stared both lovingly and painfully worried into my blackening eyes.

I trust you know what you need to do better than any of us do. Carlisle will go mad just sitting around here not being able to work, so I'm sure we'll be leaving Alaska very soon. I'll inform Tanya and her family right away as to our whereabouts, so when you're ready you can come back home to us. Please, Edward. Come back to us.

I made no promises to her that day; I couldn't. I refused to break any more promises and I would not hurt her any more than I already had. Instead, I squeezed the fingers she still had rested on my cheek and gently pulled them from my face. I nodded then, and before she could say anything more I retreated from the house.

I could feel Jasper's eyes on me from the guestroom window but I didn't turn around. I didn't care to say good bye to anyone, I had enough of 'goodbye' for the rest of my existence.

As I made my retreat I knew Alice would not be far behind. I contemplated making a run for it knowing that I could easily out run her, but being sure that she was far more persistent than I was fast, I knew she would find me regardless. It would do nothing but feed her fire to try to escape her now, and I didn't have the energy to do so.

As was expected, I was hardly a mile from the house when her thoughts began their rapid-fire assault on me.

Edward Anthony Mason Cullen you'd better stop right where you are and I mean now. I clenched my hands into fists at the sound of my full name and my temper began to boil. Who the Hell was she to act like she was my mother?

I kept walking until I heard her closing the distance between us. Five. Four. Three. Two. I stopped abruptly then and spun on my heel, Alice slammed into my chest with a loud 'crack!' cursing me both mentally and audibly as she attempted to regain her composure and steady herself.

"What, Alice?!" I was in no mood for confrontation or advice.

"I'm going with you, that's what." she said very matter-of-fact.

"No. You're not. You need to stay here, with them; with Jasper. They need you." I said, my voice shaking with anger and pain. I was suffering; dying without the one thing that allowed my cold dead heart to come as close as it ever would to beating again.

"They'll be fine, Edward." Alice stressed, dismissing my misgivings about her being separated from her lover just to watch over me as I tortured myself with all that I'd given up. "You are the one who is all screwed up. The only reason they're so bent out of shape is because they're worried about you." she crossed her arms over her chest staring up at me intently.

"Alice, I appreciate the concern, but I need to be alone. I need to-"

"To what, Edward? To go back there and sulk? To torture yourself over the girl that your entire existence revolves around but you decided to push out of your life because you believe that somehow you're protecting her?" her words cut into my chest like claws, raking open the already tender gashes that covered my heart, and seemed to be dripping with acidity down my chest into the pit of my stomach. I clutched my arms around myself as tightly as I could, suddenly unable to stand up straight. My head hanging low, and the usually unnecessary breaths I took now coming out in giant huffs, I snarled at Alice with all of the malice I could muster.

"I AM PROTECTING HER!" I yelled, jerking my head up and all but spitting in her face. Alice took a small step back as venom spat from my lips across her nose and left cheek. "I don't need you following me back to Forks! This has nothing to do with you!" I turned then, expecting to have shocked her into silence enough to keep her from following me, but I was wrong.

"Nothing to do with me?" the words came out in a huff of disbelief as she stormed behind me. "I love her, Edward. She is my best fucking friend! You made me stop looking for her. You made me abandon her at the most heart breaking and torturous time in her entire life, and you have the audacity to tell me that it has absolutely nothing to do with me?" She grabbed me by the arm and spun me back around to face her. The hurt and anger that distorted my sister's features nearly brought me to my knees. I took a deep breath, opening my mouth to speak but nothing came to me. I simply stared into Alice's upset eyes as she shook her head back in forth in furious disbelief and when I noticed her bottom lip begin to tremble, I lost it. Every bit of resolve I'd mustered and every ounce of determination to keep myself together until I was alone, back in our old house and away from my family, it crumpled with my body into the icy Alaskan floor.

"I know you love her, Alice. I love her. I loved her before she even knew I loved her. I love her now even though I lied through my teeth and made her believe that I don't! And I will love her until the end of my existence." I said it all with the passion and conviction I felt coursing through my veins.

"I'm sorry, Alice. I'm so sorry…." I repeated, feeling as though the world was folding in on me and the icy fingers of death were stealing away all of the other words from my mouth. I sat for a long moment, trying to catch my breath and fumble for the right way to make Alice understand that she couldn't come with me.

"Alice, please. Don't look for her. Don't follow me to Forks. Not yet. I need to do this on my own, okay? What I need is for you to stay here and look after Esme." My breaths were dragging hard like an asthmatic gasping for air against fluid filled lungs.

Alice sat beside me in the snow, her voice small and careful now. "Edward, don't do this. I haven't looked for Bella since we left, I kept my promise, and I will continue to. Just please-"

I didn't look up from my trembling knees as I grabbed the fingers of her right hand and squeezed.

"I promise you I will come back. If you need anything, you know where to find me. I'm in no shape to help myself right now much less try to be a good son or brother or anything else to anyone else."

"Nobody is expecting anything from you, Edward."

I sighed and turned my face to hers, recognizing the hurt and desperation I'd seen in another face that I loved, but in a whole different manner. I squeezed my eyes shut, unable to keep my composure and look her in the face.

"I know that. I'm sorry Alice, but I'm doing this alone-"

"-but"

"No!" I shook my head. "I need you to promise me that you won't look for me either. For a while at least. Please?"

She was quiet then and I could hear her trying to sort through her thoughts. She grew very indecisive and I knew she was on the brink of giving in. We both stood then, and without saying a word, she finally agreed to give me my space. Before I turned away, she grabbed a hold of my hand.

I know you're holding me to my promises, Edward, but I'll be holding you to yours too. I'm not following you right now, but that doesn't mean that I won't come back to Forks if I feel like I need to.

That was good enough for me, for now. I nodded then, thanking Alice with my eyes, and took off through the Alaskan wilderness back to the place I last, and would always call home.

This has been a mad work in progress for a good five months or better. For working on it so long I'm sure you'd expect more but dangit this is really just for my own outlet and if you don't like it, then fine you don't have to read any further:) I have to say a HUGE thank you to Jess (Shamrockin) my muse, Kayla (the alpha), Andrea (the Beta), Alayna (for catching my misprint haha), and Kate (the red head) for giving me the push to keep writing the slop I write and giving me the best constructive criticism ever. I love you guys with my whole heart.

A LOT is going to come out of this, so bear with me for the first few chapters while everything gets itself hashed out and rolling. I promise it gets more exciting and angsty and what not. This story will have it's slightly OOC tendencies and is rather AU, just so you're aware so please don't bite my head off if something doesn't exactly line up with the books. I'm going with the idea that everything went as it did in Twilight and Edward left as he did in New Moon but afer he left Bella in the woods is where I'm going to scramble things up a bit. So yes, thank you again for reading. The next chapter will be up, who knows when? I'm working on some edits. I have a good 15+ chapters written for this, but they came out of me in random order so it might take a while to post at first.

You're all lovely:) 3