Ronan had never seen Adam so distraught. When he had opened the door to Monmouth moments before, he never expected to see Adam, eyes rimmed red, cheeks blotchy, to be standing there looking like a lost puppy. He had been on his way out, he needed to pick up some birdfeed for Chainsaw, but now he was frozen in place.
"Shit, shit. Uh, hey." Adam sniffed once, clearly embarrassed that he had been caught in this vulnerable state. "Damn allergies."
Ronan's face wore the same mask of indifference it always held, though he wanted nothing more than to reach out and pull Adam into a hug, wipe the tears away, and beat whoever or whatever had elicited this reaction to goddamn bloody pulp.
"Did you want something?" Ronan leaned against the doorframe, hoping to keep his demeanor casual but not cold, never cold with Adam.
"I need my chemistry notebook. I left it here the other day." Adam shifted from foot to foot, clearly wanting to be anywhere but there, with anyone but Ronan, doing anything but having this conversation. "But I can come back later if you're on your way out."
"Just make it quick." He moved to let Adam pass. His shoulder brushed Ronan's chest as he passed, and just that small bit of contact made Ronan's heart skip.
Adam went straight for Gansey's desk and began riffling through papers, seemingly without purpose. He ran a shaky hand through his hair and sniffed again, very quietly, probably hoping Ronan wouldn't hear.
"Jesus, Parrish, what happened to you?" He had never seen Adam cry, not even after a particularly brutal beating from the fucker he called his dad.
"What? Nothing. I told you, it's just-"
"Allergies, yeah. And Noah's fucking alive. You can tell me, man."
"Bluebrokeupwithme." It came out so quickly Ronan almost didn't understand. Almost. He felt the bubbling of happiness in his stomach, which was quickly consumed by white-hot rage.
"Fuck, man that's rough." He could kill her. He could ring her neck. He wanted to know why the fuck she would do this to Adam. Why now? Why when he's clearly going through so much shit? How could she be so goddamn selfish?
""Not you. It's not going to be you." It'll never be me." Adam's shoulders began to shake and he hung his head. Ronan's hand reached out to comfort him, but he pulled back just short of touching him.
"I didn't know you were so into her." Ronan's words were tight, he'd had no idea Adam was so emotionally attached to her. It made him feel guilty about the happiness he had felt earlier at hearing about their breakup.
"That's the thing. I fucking wasn't." Adam turned so quickly that several sheets of paper fluttered onto the floor. There were tracks of tears on his cheeks, though from what Ronan could tell, he wasn't crying now.
"Then…?"
"Just, I don't know. Her saying it like that, that "it's never going to be me". I mean it kind of just, it's true, you know. It'll never be me. I'll never get out of Henrietta. No school that matters will choose me. No boss will choose me. Not even my family would choose me." His hands were clenched in fists, and he was vibrating with a mixture of rage and pain.
Ronan resisted the urge to pull Adam into his arms. He crossed his arms and clenched his fists under his armpits, hoping this would keep his body under control. Adam turned and swept everything off the desk and onto the floor. He slammed his fist on the table.
"God, Gansey has everything, everything! And I just thought, for once in my goddamn shitty life, I got something he didn't. I wasn't just the poor kid trying to play with the big guys. Finally someone chose me! But I was kidding myself, obviously."
"I chose you." It was a whisper, one that was never meant to be uttered out loud, and Ronan inhaled quickly, hoping to suck the words back in. But it was out there.
Adam's body stopped shaking. He looked up, eyes wild and red. "What?"
Ronan was too surprised by his admission to conceal his panic. His brain stopped working. "What?"
"You just said…what did you just say?" Adam wiped his face on his sleeve, his eyes suddenly clearer, his voice stronger, he even seemed to stand a little taller.
"Look, Parrish, I'm sorry, I didn't mean-that's not what I-" He was stumbling over his words, his hands held out like he was trying to calm a wild animal. What had he done? How could he have let that slip? How could he let himself ruin everything?
"You…chose me. You…like me?"
Ronan's world was crumbling around him. He couldn't lose Adam. He had resolved himself to pine from a distance. He was fine with that decision, as long as he had Adam as a friend. But now? Now he had ruined it. He nodded, eyes downcast, afraid of what he would see in his friend's face. Anger, he could take, but if Adam was disgusted, Ronan couldn't live with that. He clenched his eyes shut and pressed his palms to them, hoping he'd wake up from a dream at any moment.
Ronan felt calloused fingers wrap around his wrists, and he let them pry his hands away from his face. He kept his eyes closed.
"How long?" He felt Adam's breath hot on his chin, and his proximity made Ronan's heart beat a thousand times faster. It felt like it was trying to beat its way out of his chest.
"Don't do this. I'm not going to do anything. I'll stay away, I'll-" His quivering ramblings were cut off by lips, rough in texture but tender in force, pressing against his. Ronan's eye shot open in surprise. He felt the stubble on Adam's chin graze against his, but Ronan was too scared to kiss back, worried he'd scare the boy away. So he stood there, pressed against the wall, letting his second secret kiss him, trying to commit the moment to memory, just in case he really was dreaming. He felt Adam's hand slide up to his neck, holding his head in place, deepening the kiss with no help from Ronan.
After a few moments, Adam pulled back, resting his forehead against, Ronan's. Ronan closed his eyes as well, savouring the moment before Adam realized what he had just done and lashed out at him in turn.
He heard Adam chuckle dryly. When Ronan blinked his eyes open again, he saw that Adam's face was wet with fresh tears, despite the smile that pulled at the corners of his mouth.
Ronan lifted his hand tentatively to Adam's cheek, hesitating before wiping the heel of his palm across it, taking the tears with it. "Damn allergies," Ronan whispered, his voice breaking at the end.