Title: How It Really Happened
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.
Sirius Black is rich. Remus Lupin is poor. Sirius and Remus are friends. Sirius sells video tapes of himself taking a shower to help Remus out. The demand for the video tapes can hardly be met. Remus is no longer poor. Sirius is all smiles. Everyone is happy.
Wait. Everyone is not happy. Snape is not happy. Snape is jealous. Snape has greasy black hair. Snape sells his soul to Voldemort for unlimited wealth. Snape is now happy. Snape hurts people on weekends for his new employer. This is bad. Many people are killed, maimed and mutilated. Bad Snape. Bad. The happiness is gone. Except for Snape's. Snape is happy when he hurts people and kills them. Happy Snape.
James loves Lily. Lily loves James. Lily shows James her milky white breasts. James marries Lily. James and Lily have fun on their wedding night. Suck, Lily, suck. James is all smiles. The happiness has returned.
Remus, James, and Sirius are friends. Friends do things together. True friends are on the side of light and good. Every Wednesday the three good friends tar and feather suspected Death Eaters. Poor Arthur Weasley. Whoops. Sirius's mistake. False alarm. Have a drink on James, Arthur. There. Everyone is happy because James has flaunted his wealth in Arthur Weasley's face.
James and Lily are dead. Gasp. Their son, Harry, is alive. Some people suspect foul play on Harry's part. Harry is about a year old. Well, maybe it was Snape, then. Snape is jealous and works for Voldemort to have unlimited wealth. Snape murders people on weekends. This makes Snape happy, remember?
Wait, Voldemort also enjoys killing people. Enjoy, Voldemort, enjoy. Voldemort is the culprit. Remus and Sirius prepare to tar and feather Voldemort. They cannot. James is dead. Without James, there is no power of three. There will be no tar and feathering tonight or forevermore. Sirius and Remus are not happy. Sirius and Remus secretly blame the child, Harry. Sirius runs away on his motorbike. Remus squanders his fortune in less than 6 months. Remus has a weakness for a white powdery substance that gives him lots of energy. Go, Remus, go.
Killing people no longer brings great happiness to Snape. The high life is a golden cage. Snape runs to Dumbledore. Dumbledore is good. Dumbledore has candy. Have some candy, Snape. The candy is good. Snape is forgiven. Snape now works for the side of light and truth. Snape has just signed his life away for a meager 10 Galleons and tuppence. Dumbledore is happy. Dumbledore has some candy.
~FIN~
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.
Sirius Black is rich. Remus Lupin is poor. Sirius and Remus are friends. Sirius sells video tapes of himself taking a shower to help Remus out. The demand for the video tapes can hardly be met. Remus is no longer poor. Sirius is all smiles. Everyone is happy.
Wait. Everyone is not happy. Snape is not happy. Snape is jealous. Snape has greasy black hair. Snape sells his soul to Voldemort for unlimited wealth. Snape is now happy. Snape hurts people on weekends for his new employer. This is bad. Many people are killed, maimed and mutilated. Bad Snape. Bad. The happiness is gone. Except for Snape's. Snape is happy when he hurts people and kills them. Happy Snape.
James loves Lily. Lily loves James. Lily shows James her milky white breasts. James marries Lily. James and Lily have fun on their wedding night. Suck, Lily, suck. James is all smiles. The happiness has returned.
Remus, James, and Sirius are friends. Friends do things together. True friends are on the side of light and good. Every Wednesday the three good friends tar and feather suspected Death Eaters. Poor Arthur Weasley. Whoops. Sirius's mistake. False alarm. Have a drink on James, Arthur. There. Everyone is happy because James has flaunted his wealth in Arthur Weasley's face.
James and Lily are dead. Gasp. Their son, Harry, is alive. Some people suspect foul play on Harry's part. Harry is about a year old. Well, maybe it was Snape, then. Snape is jealous and works for Voldemort to have unlimited wealth. Snape murders people on weekends. This makes Snape happy, remember?
Wait, Voldemort also enjoys killing people. Enjoy, Voldemort, enjoy. Voldemort is the culprit. Remus and Sirius prepare to tar and feather Voldemort. They cannot. James is dead. Without James, there is no power of three. There will be no tar and feathering tonight or forevermore. Sirius and Remus are not happy. Sirius and Remus secretly blame the child, Harry. Sirius runs away on his motorbike. Remus squanders his fortune in less than 6 months. Remus has a weakness for a white powdery substance that gives him lots of energy. Go, Remus, go.
Killing people no longer brings great happiness to Snape. The high life is a golden cage. Snape runs to Dumbledore. Dumbledore is good. Dumbledore has candy. Have some candy, Snape. The candy is good. Snape is forgiven. Snape now works for the side of light and truth. Snape has just signed his life away for a meager 10 Galleons and tuppence. Dumbledore is happy. Dumbledore has some candy.
~FIN~