Five Fingered Mary Sue
by Ariana Lussier

Disclaimer: Not mine. Now now. Not ever. Only daydreams and sleepless nights, which is all I can contribute to the cause.

Author's Note: The title makes about as much sense as the rest of the story. Random silliness. Don't ask what I was thinking, 'cause I ain't too sure of that m'self. Takes place after HB2 and the twins are alive. I used a fanfic wand. I'm aiming for short chapter this time, maybe I can fool myself into updating more frequently.

pher·o·mone (fěr'ə-mōn') n. A chemical secreted by an animal, especially an insect, that influences the behavior or development of others of the same species, often functioning as an attractant of the opposite sex.

17 Nov 08, 0323 hours

"Uh, sir... Sir? Do you have a moment?"

Tom Manning looked up from more blurry photos of Hellboy and frowned at Agent Mudd. The young recruit was as fuzzy as the pictures spread out on his desk. Manning checked his watch and couldn't read it. Rubbing his eyes roughly, he looked again. The digital face read 3:26 and he sighed. Agent Mudd was clear again as well. Unfortunately, all those pictures of Hellboy were clearer too. A migraine wiggled its way behind his right eye. Even though Hellboy had outed the BPRD to the evening news, Manning still suppressed photos and videos whenever he found out about them. Washington had never told him to stop doing so. "What is it?" he said wearily, feeling an acidic coil in the pit of his stomach and opened a new roll of Tums.

Mudd, unlike Manning, looked like he'd just gotten to work and was ready to take on the day. His gray suit was in much better shape than Manning's dark blue one, but Manning had been in his for nearly twenty four hours now. "Uh, it's Agent Lincson, sir. She's early." Mudd looked a little agitated, and Manning couldn't figure out why.

Probably caught an earlier flight. It wasn't uncommon for a new agent to arrive at a different time than Washington estimated. Manning leaned back and opened his desk drawer, sweeping the photos on top into it with a swipe of his hand. Another drawer held her dossier and he removed the file and flipped through it. Reviewing the details had been on his to-do list after he'd gotten some sleep. His fatigue-reddened eyes skimmed over the small type, then froze. "Is this a typo?" he asked. "Stationed at forty different field offices in the last three and a half years?"

Mudd shook his head, "Probably not, sir. She's a real looker."

Manning frowned at him. "That wasn't very professional."

"Sorry, sir."

Manning turned his eyes back to the dossier. He flipped two pages up to see her photo and blanched. "A cat!?"

"Actually, I think the term the Bureau is using now is felinoid. Kind of a cat-woman, so to speak."

"'Disruptive presence... inappropriate behavior... questionable social interactions...'," Manning read. He snapped the file shut again. "Why is she even an agent?" More to the point, why was she here, in his jurisdiction?

The younger man fidgeted with his tie. "I think she'd be in more danger out there than in here. I don't think that report's very accurate anyway. She's really nice," his eyes got a faraway look in them as he smiled. "Really, really nice... Whatever happened, I know it's not her fault. She's just..."

The senior agent scowled at him. "You can stop that. Right there, right now. If you can't behave professionally, I'll have to write you a formal reprimand."

"Yes, sir. Sorry, sir."

Lincson... Katya Lincson. Just under five feet tall, blue eyes, black hair all over. Manning had never seen a furry agent up close. He blinked eyes that felt grainy and hot at an underlined passage. "Why is there a warning here about the facility's air circulation system? We do check it twice a month, don't we?"

Mudd nodded, "On the first and fifteenth, like clockwork."

Manning shook his head and dismissed it. "Well, I guess I'd better go talk to her and set down some ground rules."

"She's waiting outside," Mudd said. "Want me to call her in?"

"Do that," Manning replied, rebuttoning his collar and straightening his tie. "I won't have any agent causing trouble on my watch."

Mudd let her in, and Manning took a breath to launch into a lecture, only to gape as his mouth fell open silently in shock. Her photo didn't do her justice. Small and rounded in that way that only pulp detective novels could describe, she was wearing a soft gray vest and jeans that only accentuated every... silken... curve... He yanked his eyes back up to her face. Felinoid, Mudd had said, and it was certainly catlike enough to be alien, but Manning found it very exotic. Longer black hair cascaded down over her shoulders and back and he wondered what it felt like. Then he wondered what the rest of her fur felt like. Does that fur go... everywhere? he wondered.

"Well... Agent Lincson," he said.

She purred, actually purred, in response and his knees turned to water.

"Uh... welcome... to, uh... the BPRD," his tongue didn't seem to want to work. Not on words anyway. "Since your other, uh, assignments have been brief, I think we need to make sure..." she blinked and the light flashed an eldritch sapphire in the depths of her eyes. Slit pupils were so hot. "...m-make sure, that is, that you receive your orientation here, so, uh..."

Mudd spoke up quickly, "I can do that, sir!" Lincson smiled at him and purred again. He gave her a goofy grin.

"No, no, no," Manning said. "I am the senior agent here. It's my responsibility. Let's, uh... Is her room ready?" At Mudd's nod, Manning added, "Then, it may be best that she- you, Agent Lincson, that is - remain in your room studying the orientation material and, uh, other stuff. Once you've completed orientation to my satisfaction-" he swallowed hard as she winked, "-I'll introduce you to the rest of the team."

"What if I have questions?" she asked in a throaty voice. The sound of it ran along his spine like a stroke of velvet.

"Well, I think it's only, uh, to your benefit if I'm available... at all times... to explain our, uh, procedures..."

"In my room?" she asked innocently. Manning bit his lip. A small part of him wondered how quickly he could get her transferred out of the BPRD headquarters. The rest of him was preoccupied with the seductive swish of her tail. It was so much more graceful than Hellboy's.