Warnings and Disclaimer
It's funny really. I always thought of myself as a stable person, as in I've never wanted to kill myself. Well I guess I was wrong. I want to die. I want to slit my wrist and watch the thick red liquid seep out as I slowly lose consciousness. I want to jump off the highest building and revel in the feeling of falling. I want to put a gun in my mouth and feel the bullet drilling through the back of my throat and come out the other side. Though honestly I don't care how I go as long as I'm gone.
No one seems to notice though, which is a good thing, that way I can prepare without fear of being watched or stopped. They think that I'm as normal as the morning dew. They're wrong. All of them, each and every one! They don't know the pain I go through each day. They don't know how much I hate living with myself. They don't know, but I guess they'll find out once they find me.
I can almost see the look on their faces. They'll be so horrified at the sight. They won't know what to think. They'll keep asking why. Why? Why? Why? Well they'll never know why because they'll never know me. Not even you, love. Not even you.
It hurts to think about you. It hurts to look at you. The way you act, so carefree, and even though you are in pain, you are caring in your way. Especially to me. You've always been kind to me. I wonder if you know how much I love you. I know how much you love me.
You're going to be so pained when I die. But it's for the best. After I die you'll be happy. You'll realize what a waste of time I was and you'll forget me. Though I fear that it won't be quick enough and I hate myself even more because I know I'll be the cause of your newest pain. One more to add to the other trillion, huh love?
At least when I leave I won't be a burden to you any more.
***
Well, I'm ready. It took me a couple of more days, but I'm done. It's the perfect time to do it. The day is perfect everyone is busy with his own thing and won't notice my departure. Yet I want them to be there. I want them to watch as the life drains out of my body and know they can't do anything about it. I want them to suffer like I have. What kind of person am I?
A vengeful hateful person. A person who hates himself so much that he is willing to go through the most excruciating physical pain so that he doesn't have to feel the emotional one. That is who I am. I wonder what you would think if you knew, love.
I am getting ready now. It's quite simple really, but I want it perfect. I even have the perfect mood music. "Ase's Death". I think it's very appropriate. Oh and yes I am very aware of my insanity.
I walk to the mirror; my clothes still on the bed. I want to see myself again. One last time before I go, I want see the shell that holds this tormented soul. I kind of feel bad for my body; it deserved better than me. I've often been called beautiful, someone else deserves this beauty. Not me, me who has everything and yet nothing at all.
I'm still looking at myself. I watch my hair fall over my eyes as I lower my head slightly. I stare at my arms in the mirror's reflection. I watch my hand raise itself and gently trace each and every scar on my body. Self inflicted scars. They're like reminders of my insanity, imperfection and, pain. You'd go insane if you knew about them, wouldn't you love? You'd scream at me, call me an idiot, maybe even hit me.
I smile at the thought. Feeling your fist colliding with my face. What a new sensation! A new physical pain. Now I want to try it, I wonder about how long that incident will keep me distracted from the truth.
"
I laugh and twirl around the room, like this is some sort of sick game. Ring around the rosie; pocket full of posies, ashes, ashes we all fall down. I used to love watching the little girls playing that game. I've been fascinated by the irony of the game. Their happy little song being one that represented the plague and all. I miss that innocence. I wonder where mine went.
"Where are you innocence?" I ask looking around the room. I bend over and look under the bed. "Why are you hiding from me? Can you hear me?" I walk towards the closet and look inside, now completely gone in my insane little game. "I need you, I'm lost. Help me."
I begin to laugh again and walk towards the bed where my clothes lay. I pick them up and look at them. Finest material money could buy, newest fashion, the clothes of a rich person. Clothes that shouldn't be worn by the poor and dirty. Then why do I have them?
I dress and I walk back to the mirror looking at myself. I do a little spin as if showing the room my new clothes. As always I look perfect, not a hair out of place. I wonder what it feels like to be dead. Will I miss this body? I can't wait to find out.
The music drifts through out the room; some how I feel less depressed listening to it. It will be nice to leave this world to that song. I raise the volume to the max and step outside through the window. The wind blows, ruffling my hair and making me lose balance for a second. I look around. I can see figures that might be my friends in the distance. I smile; won't they be surprised?
My thoughts turn back to you love. Your hair, your eyes, your smile, the smile you give only me. A smile I don't deserve, but accept none the less. A smile I won't be infecting any longer, if that even makes any sense.
I move closer to the edge, releasing my grip on the window and look down. The drop won't kill me, I'm stronger than that. It will break some bones though, but that's not what I'm after. I'm want the ultimate act. I want to meet death and dance with him. I want to remove his cloak and look him in the eyes, kiss his lips and ask him to take me away. No more pain, no more suffering, at least in this lifetime. Maybe the next. Oh well, I'll just endure like before and then take my life again. It'll become an endless cycle of pain and death.
I always feel the pain and take the punishment. I once thought that it would go away after a while. That if I just endured the pain and suffering long enough it would go away and everything would get better. I was wrong. The pain is ever present, everlasting and I'm not strong enough to take the pain anymore. It's time to move on. When I go I won't hear the screams any more. I won't see the terror in their eyes any more. No more dreams of death. I'll leave this body which reeks of death behind. Deaths that I have been responsible for.
This world has nothing to offer me anymore. Well, except for you love, but I will not act on my feelings. The feelings I know both you and I carry for each other. A feeling so strong that at times it gnaws on my heart, causing me greater grief. See love? I was right. Even you cause me pain. My greatest happiness is my greatest torture. I love you Trowa and that hurts more than anything else in this world.
The wind is blowing harder and the song is coming to its conclusion. But that's okay. I put it on repeat. I could stand here all day and listen to that one song play all day, if that was the only thing I wanted to do.
I see you love. You and the others are coming back towards the house. I must hurry or I'll never have another chance. Pulling out a small knife that I found in Wufei's room, I place the edge at my throat. My breathing is shaking with excitement.
It happens so fast. With one quick movement my throat is slit and I lose balance and plummet. The pain is unbelievable but I ignore it. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. The ground is getting closer.
***
I watch him. His eyes full of sorrow and pain. Duo's crying. He's been crying for days non-stop. Heero doesn't know how to console him. Wufei stands as far away as possible but still close enough to hear the words being said by Rashid. He looks horrible.
I move towards Trowa and stand near him. He's shaking. I have the urge to wrap my arms around him and protect him, but I can't. This is all my fault. Everything I do comes out wrong. Stupid, stupid, stupid!
Afterwards the four of them stand by my grave. Duo's still crying. He's starting to cough and hiccup. Heero's getting worried about him. Even Wufei can't keep the worry out of his eyes.
Trowa looks over at Duo then motions for Heero and Wufei to take him away. He's so weak from crying that he can barely walk. I'm sorry Duo.
I turn back to Trowa who is now walking closer to the head stone. He bends down and stretches out a hand, tracing my name with his finger. Q.U.A.T.R.E. He stops and begins to shake violently, his butt hitting the ground hard as he falls back and hugs himself. He's trying to fight back the tears. He hasn't cried yet, he's just been shaking continuously since they found me.
My poor, poor baby. Don't you know it's for the best? Now you can move on, now I won't be able to taint you anymore with my imperfection. I know that you're not perfect either, but at least I won't add to your imperfection anymore. You'll stop loving me soon and then you'll be even closer to the perfection that I could never reach.
You're crying now. I've never seen you cry. You're still holding yourself. Your head's bent as you sob. You gasp loudly for air. It's a horrible sound. I can barely stand to look at you like this. I glide over to you (because that's what I do. I don't really walk but glide) and I wrap my arms around your body.
I think you can feel my presence because you seem to have stopped crying or at least calmed down somewhat. You're mumbling something now. I strain my ears to listen.
"Why Quatre? Why?" I had to. I couldn't take the pain any longer. I couldn't live this miserable life any longer. "Didn't you know how much I loved you? You were the only good thing in my life. I loved you so much. And you betrayed me!"
Your words hurt me worse then any kind of physical pain. Maybe this wasn't the greatest of all ideas. But what's done is done. I can't change it now. Soon I'll be leaving and I'll never be able to see you again. I'll miss you, but this is for the best.
I couldn't stand living anymore, not even with you. And even if death has succeeded in numbing some of the pain, I will never stop hurting for what I have done to you.
Just remember one thing Trowa. I love you. I love you with all my heart and soul and I regret not taking you with me when I departed from this miserable realm.
I place a kiss on his cheek, I know you feel that in some sort of way. For you have stopped completely, you're barely breathing. That's how aware you are at the moment. I stand up and begin to leave. I stop when I hear you mumbling to yourself.
"Don't leave me Quatre please."
Allah, it hurts so much. You look so broken, so pitiful. I would love to do nothing more then to stay by your side, but it's too late for that. I can't stay. It's impossible. I must go and pay for all that I have done. I hope you find peace one day Trowa, I'm just sorry that it couldn't have been with me.
Owari