Welcome readers! TO MY LAIR I mean- to my new fanfiction! It's actually the first one I've published in a very long time, and I'm pretty excited about it.

I'm just going to tell you now, this story does contain a self-insert BUT hopefully not in the way you'd expect. Want to know why?

Well, you can either read the story to find out, or you can skip to my note at the end. I'm not gonna hate you or be too heartbroken if you decide to go with the latter or even just leave and move on to the next thing. I'm probably not making the best first impression anyways.

I've jabbered on long enough. On with the story for those who wish to read it!

Chapter One - That awkward moment when you're waiting for a ride home and your favorite show is suddenly real

Of all the places for a crazy adventure to start, you'd think it'd be somewhere a bit more scenic or exciting. A woods, the crosswalk of a busy New York intersection, even a school right?

Nope. For me, my crazy adventure started in the most unconventional place one can possibly think of: a Meijer parking lot.

My name is Ellie. I'm an eighteen-year-old girl with no clue where she wants to go in life, except that it better be an adventure and take place anywhere but home. Oh, and I should probably mention my favorite TV show is Xiaolin Showdown - trust me, that information's going to come in handy for this story a few paragraphs from now.

Speaking of which, I should get on with it, shouldn't I?

The day that my wish for an adventure came true was easily the shittiest day of my life. I lost my job, my car's struts finally gave up on me, and my relationship problems had reached lower than rock bottom. A very angry fifty-minute walk from my house to the store was in order, along with at least two pints of Chocolate Therapy ice cream and a whole case of berry lemonade Jones Soda. After spending the last bits of my final paycheck on junk, I called up my parents to pick me up so that I didn't have to worry about my ice cream melting before I got home.

Unfortunately for me that was going to be a moot point since when I called them, they were on the other side of town (and - spoilers! - I was about to have bigger problems to be concerned about than melted Ben & Jerry's).

Thus, our story officially begins with me sitting on the curb of one of the Meijer parking lot dividers, waiting for my parents to take me home so I could be miserable in private rather than in public.

Being eighteen, you would think that among the sources of my distress, losing my job and my car not working should've been what I was most upset about. Not me. The relationship turmoil is what hit the hardest. In fact, that's what's hit me the hardest for the past few years that I've had it. I'm probably not the best female role model if the balance of my emotions lies on the shoulders of a boy, but that is why I'm not the heroine of my story.

Oh, plot twist! And it's only the first chapter! Moving on...

With relationship troubles being at the front of my mind, I did what no girl should ever, ever do when she's thinking about her ex; I reread the messages he sent me from when we were dating. Each word tore at my heart more than the last, and when I reached the most current messages, I was fighting back tears. Sad as I was making myself, I hated crying in public. I didn't want anyone's sympathy. No, I wanted a punching bag and somewhere I could scream as loud as I wanted to while beating the shit out of it. Those were things that the average person probably isn't willing to provide to a stranger.

Then again, the person who could and eventually did provide those things for me wasn't an average person in the slightest.

Tired of my trip down memory lane, I stood and picked up my grocery bag, texting my parents that I was going to walk home anyways and if they caught up with me they could drive me the rest of the way.

The only warning I heard before being knocked over was a poorly-timed, "LOOK OUT". Upon impact, my phone went flying from my hand, followed by the much shorter-lived flight of a shopping cart.

"Ay girl, you came out of nowhere," a voice on top of me groaned as he stood, holding out his hand to help me do the same. "I'm sorry about that, though. Are you okay?"

I accepted the gesture, though winced when my palm stung from the contact. Once he pulled me up I let go to check my hands, finding that both were scraped and had dirt in the wounds. "I scraped my hands and they sting like hell," I finally said, smiling tiredly before adding, "but I'm alright. Are you-" I stopped when I looked up from my hands.

Staring back at me was someone who held a highly uncanny resemblance to Raimundo Pedrosa from Xiaolin Showdown. From the green eyes, to the distinctly South American tan, it was almost as if I was standing in front of the real thing.

The Raimundo look-alike's eyes widened a little in concern as he gently brought my hands toward him, turning them up so he could see. "Ah, I'm sorry!" He looked away and called out, "Hey, Kimiko! Do you have a water bottle on you?"

'Kimiko?' I followed his gaze to see...

The whole Xiaolin Dragon ensemble. At least a group of three kids who looked just as much like them as the look-alike Raimundo looked like their leader.

If my math is correct, the chances that four friends hanging out together who happen to share names with the protagonists of my favorite show are slim enough, but the chances that they also look like them? Next to absolutely nothing.

To say I was shocked would be an understatement. My feelings actually shared a border with complete and utter terror that I hit my head and was now undergoing one of those "it's all in the main character's head" scenarios, and a little bit starstruck to be honest. Though the fear won out in the end and left me stunned.

At least until my hands started stinging again. I snapped back to what I hoped was reality and noticed Raimundo pouring water onto my hands as Kimiko searched through a panda-shaped backpack for something. I hissed, tugging my hands away instinctively, but he held them firmly, probably expecting me to do that. After a moment, Kimiko pulled out a packet of tissues and Raimundo used one to wipe up the mess on my hands, which again made me flinch, though this time I said "shit!" a bit too loud for a public space. I looked away from their work, mildly grossed out by how much blood kept surfacing, instead watching Clay right the cart that crashed into me and Omi picking up something a few feet further from it. My shoulders slumped as the little monk came rushing back, carrying what I was worried would be a shattered phone. My attention was brought back to my hands when I felt them being handed to Kimiko as she wrapped them with bandages, Raimundo leaving to throw out the tissues and empty water bottle.

"This should keep them clean at least until you can put antiseptic on them," she said, finishing off one hand and bandaging the next. "Sorry about Raimundo. He was trying to show our friend Omi how to ride a shopping cart."

"Not very well, it seems," I said, receiving a short laugh in response. "It's fine, really. I'm just scraped up a little, that's all." I looked back to where Omi had found my phone and sank further. "Though now I have to go home without ice cream and soda."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that, ma'am" Clay said, returning with the cart and one of the pints of ice cream, luckily with little damage to it.

He handed it to me and I eagerly accepted, sighing at the cold carton against my stinging hands. "Thanks. Good thing, too since I don't have money on me to buy more."

Omi held out my phone. "Are you alright? The fall you took looked most unpleasant."

I nodded and said, "I'm okay, now that I have ice cream to help soothe the pain a bit more." I took my phone from him and let out a sigh, relieved to find that the case had absorbed the impact, though barely survived. It was a good thing I had more at home, and that the text I sent my parents went through in spite of it all.

After pocketing my phone I smiled, unsure of what else to do and that maybe the whole Xiaolin Dragon look-alike thing really was a slim-to-none coincidence. "I should head home now and clean myself up the rest of the way. Thanks a bunch."

"No problem," Raimundo said, giving me a thumbs up. "Good to know you're okay."

"Do you live nearby?" Kimiko asked. "Maybe we should walk home with you?"

"Eh," I shrugged. "Sort of. It's about an hour-long walk by foot, but my parents are on their way home so they'll pick me up on the way. I'll be alright, though." I held up the ice cream and grinned. "I have a blunt object to throw and a phone to call the po-po with if I run into trouble." I turned and waved goodbye as I started walking. "Thanks anyways!"

This is the part where I go home, remember why I bought the ice cream, and then drown my sorrows in it while I sit on the basement floor watching Top Gear on BBC America.

Just kidding: it's the part where I am stopped by the heroes and they insist on giving me a ride home on their dragon. And by "insist", I mean the events that followed forced their hand and, unfortunately, mine.

I only took a few steps before Omi said "wait!" and ran out in front of me. "I am sorry to further delay your journey home, but you wouldn't have happened to see a dragon-shaped ring anywhere?"

"Uhm..." I unlocked my phone and searched through my photos. After finding one of a dragon ring I happened to own, I showed it to him. "Does it happen to look like this?"

His eyes lit up. "Yes! That's it!" At that, the other members rushed to either side of him to see the picture. He continued, "Where did you find it?"

"Antique fair." I looked down at the picture, running my thumb over the screen. "I've had it for a few years, actually. Since uhm... ninth grade?"

The four exchanged glances, Raimundo speaking up first. "Would you be willing to show it to us?"

I cocked one eyebrow, suspicious. "It's at my house. Any particular reason you need to see it?"

The sound of tires screeching stopped them from answering. I turned my head to the source of the sound. A shiny black convertible was waiting on the other end of the parking lot, revving its engine. A spoiler fin and bronze racing stripes adorned the vehicle, which drew as much attention toward it as its engine did.

There were three things that crossed my mind at that moment. The first thing was, 'holy shit that's a Bugatti'. Secondly, 'why are you showing that off in the middle of a grocery store parking lot'. And finally, 'why the hell would you put racing stripes on a Bugatti, you asshat'.

Kimiko's eyes widened. "Is that...?"

"Expensive, decked out, showing off?" Raimundo's lip curled. "Who else could it possibly be?"

I took a small step back, a "no way" slipping from under my breath.

Slowly, the car rolled up to us, the engine purring loudly the whole way. When it stopped, the driver's-side window rolled down and Jack Spicer leaned his head out. "Hey losers. Like my new wheels?"

My idol - the evil genius I had been a fangirl of since seventh grade - was right in front of me. Or I hoped so, since in the back of my mind the whole situation up to that point had seemed far too good to be a dream. Jack Spicer only made it seem less real, given my massive crush on him.

My ice cream slipped from my hand and landed with a dull thud, very similar to how I thought my jaw sounded when it dropped.

"Beat it, Jack," Kimiko snapped.

"Chill out," Jack said, holding up one hand defensively. "I'm not here to fight you, or your cute new friend." He shot me a grin and I felt my cheeks burn up. The first coherent thought that came to mind was, to my shame, 'knees weak, arms spaghetti'. It was all I could do not to squeal.

"Then move on out of here," Clay said, stepping forward and urging me behind him. "Go on about your own evil business elsewhere."

Jack rolled his eyes. "I'm done here anyways. I just had to pick up some stuff for my parents."

"What?!"

I quickly put a hand over my mouth after shouting. The group gave me a collective look I can only describe as "dafuq?". I cleared my throat and said, "I mean, you live nearby?"

He shook his head. "I'm visiting. Trust me, I didn't want to, but my folks wouldn't take no for an answer." He grinned cheekily. "Why? You wanna ditch these guys and hang out with me? I might not be back in town anytime soon."

My blush returned with a vengeance and I averted my gaze. I decided not to say anything just in case this wasn't all a dream. I was likely to either embarrass myself or make Kimiko cringe further, given she looked disgusted enough by Jack's flirting.

Raimundo cleared his throat. "So, you're just... visiting?"

Jack frowned. "Believe it or not, I do have at least somewhat of a life outside of trying to conquer the world. Why?" His eyes widened as he looked at his dashboard. "Don't tell me my detector's not working again..."

Omi shook his head. "We are not looking for a Shen Gong Wu. There -"

Kimiko quickly clapped a hand over the monk's mouth. "- was a chance to meet up with my pen pal! Who's not interested, by the way." She looked at me. "Right?"

I blinked a few times and nodded, my shoulders sagging a bit at the 'not interested part'. "Oh uhm... Right." In spite of Kimiko's statement, I gave Jack a sheepish wave. "Sorry."

Jack didn't look too convinced. A little annoyed, maybe, but he shrugged all the same. "Whatever, losers. I gotta get home before the milk spoils." He pulled down his goggles and shifted his car into gear. "Later haters!"

With that, he sped off, tires screaming behind him. I stood there for a few moments, my hand still raised. All too soon, though, Clay took hold of it and guided me away. "Come on li'l lady. We should get you home before Spicer turns around."

"Right," Rai said, leading us around the backside of the store. "Dojo can get us there faster than you can walk."

Oh, duh. I forgot about Dojo. The dragon in question slid out from underneath Clay's hat, gasping for air. "That's the last time you guys have me stay under there for that long!"

This time, I did squeal. Not so much a fangirl one so much as an "oh my god don't let this be a dream". To the others though, it was probably mistaken for "it talks".

Dojo sighed and shook his head, looking unimpressed as he jumped down from his perch. "Yeah, that's usually how they react."

"Which is why you had to stay hidden," Kimiko said.

I crouched down to Dojo's level, hesitantly reaching out a finger and poking his belly. He snorted and slithered back a bit. "Hey, don't touch there - that's my tickle spot!"

"Oh my god," I leaned a little closer, unable to stop the grin. "Holy hell, you're real!" I looked up, pushing myself up from the ground. "All of you! This is actually happening to me... wait, no I can't say that yet." I quickly turned to Raimundo. "Pinch me. I gotta make sure this isn't a dream."

Although he looked at me like I had sprouted a second head, he reached out and pinched my arm - hard. I flinched away and rubbed the spot, then my grin grew wider. "OH MY GOD!"

"Wait, what did you mean by 'all of us'?" Rai asked, though Omi held up a hand before I could answer.

"There is no time for chat-chit," Omi said. "We must get our friend home before Spicer sees through our fibbing!"

Although he still looked confused, Raimundo nodded. "Right. Where do you live?"

I had to take a few breaths to contain my excitement, though I was unable to stop shaking as I pointed in the general direction of my house. "Left on the intersection, then right into the first neighborhood street. It's like two minutes by car."

Dojo glared over his shoulder at the Shoku leader. "You're really going to have me fly for not even a few seconds just to get her home?"

"Please, Dojo," Omi said, clasping his hands together. "We would not ask you of this if it wasn't of great importance. She has the ring!"

Dojo turned back to me, now looking just as confused as Raimundo had. "Really?" He slithered up to me, stroking his little dragon beard with his claw. "Huh. She looks a little different than what I remember..."

"Dojo!"

"All right, all right."

Seeing the three-foot gecko Dojo shift into the thirty-foot Shenron Dojo on TV was one thing, especially since they were all from a cartoon show. Seeing it in real life was probably the single coolest thing that I could ever imagine having the chance to see.

Which then begged the question...

"Don't you think it'll be kind of... alarming for other people to see this?" I asked, watching as the monks climbed on. I had always wondered if they ever thought about that in the series, or if anyone else had before writing fanfiction.

They all glanced at each other before shrugged, Kimiko saying, "It's never bothered anyone before, really."

"No wait." I shook my head, replaying that answer in my head. "You're telling me, that somehow, unless it was convenient to the plot, that people have never noticed you guys taking off on a giant, flying dragon?"

"People have probably noticed," Raimundo said with a shrug. "It's not like they can actually do anything about it, except run to the tabloids."

I puffed out my cheeks a little, but said nothing and instead tried to climb aboard the Dojo Express.

"So does our newbie have a name?" Dojo asked once I managed to pull myself up.

"Ellie."

"All right, Ellie." Dojo looked over his shoulder, smiling. "You ever ride a roller coaster?"

"Just once, but I'm not really -"

Dojo took off before I could finish, leaving me screaming and holding on for dear life. The angle he shot up at was so steep I slid backwards into Clay. Shortly after taking off, Dojo levelled out, and I scooted forward a little, shaking.

"Ah, I miss that," Dojo said with a smug grin. "We haven't had a new rider who panics like that in a long time."

"I think my brains have gone into my feet," was my only reply.

Thus, my adventure began. Little did I know at the time how short-lived it would be.

This is a parody! Or at least some form of it considering that I'm going to include (and have the narrator point out and poke fun at) the common things that are seen in self-insert fanfiction. That doesn't mean this has no plot - it does, just not until later.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to bash on anyone who writes self-insert fanfiction. We all have at some point in our lives, and I think it's perfectly okay. I think as long as you don't make your insert (1) way too overpowered right off the bat, (2) without flaws whatsoever, and/or (3) immune to canon events and personalities (meaning a canon character doesn't fall in love with you[r insert] right away), it's not much different than having an OC - it just happens to be one that's heavily based off of you with (if you so wish it) some appearance, age, and personality tweaks. Sometimes, self-insert fanfiction is done pretty well.

Another thing that I'm hoping is different about my insert for this tale is that there's literally only one tweak - my age (I won't disclose to you what it really is, but I will say there's not a huge gap between my age and my insert's). Other than that, she's one-hundred-percent me from how I view myself.

Anyways, the whole point of this fanfiction is that it doesn't take much of anything seriously - at least not the common themes that I've seen in self-insert fiction. Eventually it probably will once the cliches have been addressed, and that's when the plot will come in, but that's about it.

Also, sorry if the ending was a bit abrupt. It's been a long time since I've been super excited to write something and I got a little... carried away, I guess. This chapter also went without a beta or much self-review, so I'm sorry if there's inconsistencies and/or grammatical/spelling errors (I'd love to know if you find any, though!).

Love it? Hate it? Tips and tricks? Review, follow, ignore; the choice is yours. See you next time, when we arrive at my house and I show them the ring.