Title: Torn

Author: lildreamer

Rating: K+

Pairings: SMacked with a bit of Mac/Peyton

Spoilers: Heart of Glass, The Ride-in, What Schemes May Come

Summary: As his concern for Stella grows, Mac must choose between his girlfriend and the woman he truly loves.

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI: NY or any of its characters.

All right, on with the story…
There she was.

Despite the respirator and the IVs and the machines that surrounded her, he thought she looked beautiful. She'd always been beautiful to him. Even when her body had finally succumbed to the disease, effectively marring her beauty, she was still more beautiful to him than anything.

He reached over and gently brushed the dark curls from her face, gazing at her sadly. The strongest woman he knew had become fragile and weak, a side effect of the disease. Her skin was as gray as a porcelain doll; her lips impossibly pale. The drugs that were making her sleep were powerful ones, but her eyelids fluttered as he watched, showing she was still there. Fighting.

He knew that even though she was asleep, she might be able to hear, but he couldn't speak. Nothing he felt could be put into words. He wanted to give her the world, but he could only hold her hand.

Tears suddenly blurred his vision when the reality finally hit him. She was dying. And there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn't save her. No one could. It would only be a matter of time before…

Choking back the knot in his throat, he let go of her hand and sighed heavily, turning to leave. He couldn't deal with this right now. He'd already seen too much death. Lost too many he cared for. And now he was about to lose her too.

And though his heart screamed at him to stay and be with her, he stepped out the door, shoulders slumped, head hung low.

He quietly shut the door and leaned against the wall.

This isn't really happening…she can't die…

The emotion was suddenly beyond him and tears began to slide down his face.

"Mac?" A gentle hand touched his shoulder. "Are you okay?"

He quickly dried his eyes and turned around. Peyton was standing there, looking very worried.

He gave her a small, sad half smile. "I'm fine. I just…" He couldn't finish. His eyes flooded with fresh tears.

Peyton went to put her arms around him, pulling him into her embrace, but he pushed her away.

She looked confused for a moment. "Mac?"

Without a single word, he turned and ran out of the hospital, tears streaming down his face. Peyton stared after him.

"Mac!"

Then her face changed. Dark curls replaced straight locks. Blue eyes became green. He was now staring into a face he knew very well. She looked up at him with heartbreakingly sad eyes.

"Mac…"

Mac awoke with a start, breathing hard, beads of sweat dotting his face. He had the dream again.

Although he repeatedly impressed the importance of sleep to the rest of his team, rest would not come easily for him. Especially since Stella had confided in him about the possibility that she might have contracted HIV. He had tried everything—from warm milk to sleeping pills—but nothing seemed to work. He would lie in bed night after night, wide-awake, thoughts of his friend running through his mind. And when the occasional moments of rest did come, he would spend the night tossing and turning.

It was the nightmares. They all had nightmares. In their line of work, who wouldn't? But his were getting worse. So much so that they were beginning to interfere with him even when he was awake. During those times when he'd find himself in his office, alone with his thoughts, the images would return. Haunting images of his friend getting sicker and sicker while he just stood there, watching. Helpless to do anything about it. And the end was always the same—he ran away. From the pain. From the sorrow. From her. And try as he might, nothing could wash away the images.

He took a deep breath, running his hands over his face. His fingers stopped at his eyes. They were moist as if he'd been crying. But it was only a dream…wasn't it?

Something moved next to him, moaning sleepily. He twisted around in the sheets to look over at the person sharing his bed. Peyton. He'd almost forgotten. Actually, he'd been forgetting about her a lot lately. Not that he meant to. It's just that his mind was on other things—other people.

He turned back to face his side of the bed. His mind was on Stella. She was his best friend and he cared about her. He wanted to help her. Be there for her through all that she was going through right now.

But as his concern for her grew, he found himself slowly being pulled away from everything else. Leaving him totally lost and confused.

He was torn.

Torn between the two people he cared about most.

And he had no idea what to do.

Whaddaya think? Love it? Hate it? Want more? Reviews are muses!