Hayata-kun's Lovers

A Hayate the Combat Butler oneshot

By

EvilFuzzy9

"Hmm... Izumi really likes Hayata-kun, doesn't she?"

Miki paused in nibbling on a gourmet meat bun to give her friend, classmate, and partner in crime a half-lidded stare, as if to say: Well, duh!

Risa saw this look, and she wagged a finger in the petite Miki's face.

"Ah, ah, ah!" she said. "Don't give me that look yet, Miki!"

There was a mischievous twinkle in the shrine maiden's eyes, and the politician's daughter couldn't help but feel a little intrigued.

"You have a plan," she observed shrewdly, seeing how Risa smiled so cockily.

"I do, indeed!" Risa said smugly.

Miki set the half-eaten bun down in her lap. Her own eyes twinkled, and she thought of seeing Izumi all cutely flustered and blushing after being shoved into some kind of compromising position with Hayate.

"What kind of plan?" she inquired, interest piqued.

"We're gonna become Hayata-kun's lovers!" Risa declared, pointing up in the air.

A beat.

Miki stared at Risa with a deadpan expression.

"You're an idiot," she said, although she herself was not at all bright.

Risa laughed.

"Idiotic like a fox!" she said, still looking completely confident.

Miki sighed.

"What, are you only being metaphorical about us becoming his lovers?" she asked, trying to find some way this plan could be anything other than patently absurd. "Like, we just pretend? It could definitely be fun to tease Izumi with, but Hayata-kun never plays along with our plans."

"Exactly!" said Risa. "And that's the crux of this plan."

Miki blinked.

She cocked her head slightly to one side, staring again at Risa.

"...how so?" she asked at length. "Wouldn't it be the lynchpin?"

"I think those are basically the same thing," said Risa.

Miki frowned.

"Oh, you know," she said. "Hayata-kun not playing along with our plans wouldn't be a good thing, right? Not unless you COUNT on him flatly denying it..."

Risa laughed.

"Oh, he might deny it," she said, "but he'll know it's the truth!"

Miki blinked. Again.

"I... beg your pardon?"

"We're going to become Hayata-kun's lovers," Risa said simply.

Miki's brain took a moment to process this. She considered all possible configurations of her friend's intended meaning. She turned her neurons sideways, upside down, and inside out for all the mental contortions she went through trying to justify this statement in some logical way that didn't result in a literal interpretation.

She failed.

Miserably.

"Wait, do you mean, like, for real?!" Miki exclaimed, disbelieve evident in her tone and expression. She gaped at Risa, eyes wide and face beet red. It was rare for Miki to personally get this flustered.

Risa gave Miki a thumbs up, grinning toothily.

"Exactly!" she said.

A moment of silence passed between the pair.

Miki stared at Risa disbelievingly. She shook her head, and she took a deep breath, counting to ten.

"Okay," she said after a long moment of awkward silence. "In what way could that possibly qualify as a GOOD IDEA?"

Risa beamed at her.

"The way that ends with you getting on with Hina-chan, of course!" she said.

Miki was silent. Her cheeks went instantly pink. Steam all but poured from her ears, and her eyes became unfocused as she zoned out, briefly fantasizing.

Risa snapped a finger next to Miki's ear before the girl drifted too far off into La-La Land.

Miki shook her head, coming embarrassedly out of her daze.

"Ah... Your ideas intrigue me," she said softly, blushing, "and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter." She paused, before frowning. "Buut... how would us becoming Hayata-kun's lovers help me with..."

She trailed off, blushing hotly.

Risa laughed.

"Well, Hina-chan obviously has a thing for Hayata-kun, right?"

Miki nodded, frowning.

Risa beamed. "So!" she said. "Obviously you just have to invite her to a threesome. Or moresome, depending on how many ladies Hayata-kun can handle at once."

Miki paled infinitesimally at this thought.

"So... to get with Hina, I have to give it up to Hayata-kun...?" she said softly. It took her only a moment to decide. "Sure," she said. "Fine. I'll become Hayata-kun's lover with you."

Risa laughed.

"Great!" she said.

"Hey, Hayata-kun!" chirped Risa, bouncing up to the indentured butler.

"No," he said flatly, before the girl could even say anything. Although his smile didn't lessen.

Risa blanched.

"No, what?" she asked. "I didn't even say anything!"

"You were going to," Hayate said. "And I'm sure it would have been something inappropriate."

"Heeeey, Hayata-kuuun~!" Miki singsonged, hopping up to the butler. "You wanna—?"

"No," Hayate said, before she could even finish her sentence. "I do not."

Miki blanched, and looked at Risa, who shrugged helplessly.

"Eh? Why not?" Miki asked Hayate, leaning in and resting her head on his chest. She pouted cutely up at him, and she was softly blushing. Miki almost forgot why she was doing all of this, it felt so comfortable.

"Because it's sure to be something illegal," Hayate said.

"Not in Utah!" Risa chimed in.

Miki sweatdropped.

"I don't think that's helping," she said.

Risa frowned.

"Heeee~eeey, Haa~yaa~taa~kuuu~uuun!" Izumi sang, skipping gaily up to Hayate. "Do you wanna be lovers with me, Risa-chin, and Miki-chan~~~?"

Hayate blinked. Izumi was making the cutest face in the world, and his face felt uncomfortably hot to have the girl standing there and smiling at him so adorably.

He immediately caved.

"Ohhh, okay," he said, smiling softly. "I suppose it couldn't hurt..."

Izumi giggled and jumped for joy, throwing her arms around Hayate's shoulders, and giving him a happy kiss on the lips.

Risa and Miki stared.

"Oy, oy..." muttered the first. "He doesn't even wait to hear us out, but the second Izumi asks, it's all: Oh, yes! Golly gee, I'd be ever so delighted to have you and your friends as my beautiful lovers!" She scowled. "What the heck? That's gotta be some kinda prejudice!"

Miki sweatdropped slightly.

"Ahh, more importantly, though..." she murmured. "...I didn't know Izumi was in on the plan."

"Nyaaa?" said Izumi, sidling up to her friends in a cheerfully conspiratorial manner. "What plan?"

Miki and Risa stared.

"...did I do something wrong?" Izumi asked, looking teary-eyed and fearful.

"...no, you did great...!" the pair said, though their words came out a little weakly.

"Heehee!" Izumi giggled. "That's good❤"

Risa and Miki sweatdropped.

Well... at least this gets me one step closer to doing it with Hina... thought Miki.

Well... at least I still get to tease the other two, and also do it with a handsome guy like Ayasaki... thought Risa.

Yaaaay! I get to do it with Hayata-kun, Risa-chin, and Miki-chan! thought Izumi.

Hayate simply smiled and led the three back to his place.

I wonder if they know I'm actually a cannibal serial killer?

A/N: Originally intended as a smutshot for HnG: Ecchi Gaiden, but then it sorta became its own non-smut thing. Don't worry about Risa, Miki, and Izumi, though! Sure, they disappear and are never heard from again, but Hayate makes some killer soup to share with the rest of the class~ ;)

I dunno, I just wanted a sufficiently non sequitur line to end on, and that seemed like as good a punchline as any. XD

Updated: 5-27-14

TTFN and R&R!

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