Sometimes I wonder.
If this pain could have been spared had I not been such the idiot.
Surrounding myself with people had always been a weakness.
I don't do that anymore.
I only need one person.
Sometimes I wonder...
Wonder
Laying next to Alec, I really wonder what goes through that head of his. I know he's preoccupied, it's apparent in every single movement he makes. I really don't question it. Laying next to Alec, I know that I don't really have to wonder about what goes through his head.
From the day we met, we were destined to lose one another. Ninety percent of the time, that's always the case for me. There was a time where maybe I thought I had gotten over that, but now I realize it's never going to go away. Especially when, this time, it's Alexander.
We're like a clock, Alec and I. We tick the time away and, frankly, most of the time, we don't even know the seconds, minutes, hours are passing. Every single grain of sand, every lengthening of a shadow, the ever-persistant ticking of the clock winds us down.
Maybe I should say it's only Alec. He's the only one who can really die. But, I digress. When I can no longer hold him in my arms, my life is as good as forfeit. Without Alexander, I'm no longer Magnus the Magnificent. Maybe just Magnus, but I never will again be magnificent.
I've resigned myself to this Fate. I know the Promised Day is coming. Everyday, every hour, every minute, it's looming ever closer in the horizon. I can almost see it, can almost touch and taste it because it's always on my mind. Just that, in my mind, in the distance. The thought never leaves me. I almost wonder if it would be better to leave Alexander now, to spare him the pain that comes with aging-non-aging relationships. But then my selfish streak kicks in and I hold on only tighter. I come to realize that I really haven't been resigned to the Fate ahead after all.
Sometimes I wonder if I could make Alexander immortal. Sometimes I wonder if he would prefer that. Sometimes, I find myself relishing in the fact that even if we are a ticking clock, I can still savour every damn second that it counts away.
So, yes, I wonder. Wondering gets you nowhere, though. The thought of losing Alec will never leave me. It won't.
But, I realize, that the power of the mind can break things- or make things.
What's to come, and what will pass.
And how I will deal with it when it does.
So, yes.
Sometimes I wonder.