Madame Goldberry
A/N: Woohoo! Do you guys know what the title is referencing? Tell us what you think in a review. :)
This is another one co-written by Lily Lindsey-Aubrey and OneSizeFitsAll. We did a previous one which is posted on my account called Snow Day in Imladris. Just so ya know, it's hilarious and epic. :D (Except for Lily's EVIL Author's Note. -Fitz)
Please enjoy!
What a beautiful talan. Gorgeous. The spiral staircase wound up around the tree trunk with graceful elegance, and the platforms spanned ten trees. Though some would say there was a serious lack of railing and safety precautions, Goldberry thought it was perfect.
'Oh, Galadriel,' she gushed, clasping and unclasping her hands. 'It's so beautiful!'
'Only the best for you, mellon nin,' Galadriel said, trying to smile. She was thinking about the hefty price and the number with lots of zeros that would be on the bill she'd soon be getting.
'Well, that's good,' said Goldberry, lifting her skirt and running up the steps. 'That means that you will buy me only the best furniture!' Galadriel's face fell as she followed her more slowly. She should have guessed that getting her friend a vacation home in Lothlorien was a bad idea. 'We should have a sofa here,' Goldberry prattled on, oblivious of her friend's unhappy countenance. 'It should be white. In fact, everything should be white and silver. Maybe a little bit of baby blue thrown in here and there. Silver looks good on me. So does white. Yes, a chandelier here, perhaps?'
'I don't think that branch would hold a chandelier,' said Galadriel dubiously.
'If I got a small one, it would be perfect,' said Goldberry, frowning at her.
Galadriel groaned inwardly. Knowing Goldberry, nothing would be small. Nothing.
'We must hire a crew,' said Goldberry, bringing her friend back out of her reverie.
'A crew?' she repeated, eyes wide.
'Yes, mellon nin,' she said matter-of-factly. 'A crew. To bring all the furniture up.'
Galadriel would have fainted, but didn't think that it would be quite dignified, so she restrained herself. 'We should probably display economy,' she said weakly.
'Yes, yes, of course,' said Goldberry, waving her hand dismissively. 'You can go. I need to make a list of everything you'll have to buy.'
Galadriel stumbled down the talan steps and landed on her face in the dust of the ground.
'No,' she winced.
The next day, Goldberry's 'crew' was standing before the steps of her talan and looking up them nervously. They were awful long, and went up awful high. The three elves weren't quite sure that they liked the job they had been hired for. But all three of them being rather hard up, they decided not to protest. They didn't want to be fired.
Haldir held his hands behind his back and kicked a stone with his foot. He wondered if he'd get paid this time. He was still waiting for his paycheck from when he had installed the lights in the steps of Galadriel's talan last year (due to an accident involving a dark night, Celeborn's clumsiness, and some broken bones).
Rumil was busy seeing how high his nose would go. He was also stroking his golden locks and wondering how long the job would take. The air was a little humid, and he didn't like its effect on his hair.
Orophin was gazing up into the talan above, and wondering if this had really been an intelligent career change. Wedding coordinating might not pay well, but for the first time he realized that this wasn't much better. Oh look! There was a little gleam of sunlight filtering through a hole in one of the golden leaves...it trickled down towards the stairs and was suddenly swept away behind Lady Goldberry.
'Oh, good,' she said, sweeping down the steps, 'you've finally arrived. I have a list for you, Haldir. These are the things that I'm getting, and you must check each off as it arrives. I'll tell you where to put everything. You can start by carrying up all these little cushions and potted plants," she continued, sweeping back up the steps with the crew at her heels, trying to keep from dropping the different articles they carried. "Oh dear, I forgot. The tables and sofas aren't up here yet to put them on. Just set them in a pile in the middle of the floor for now, and then bring up that coffee table."
Haldir and Rumil hurried back down the steps to find Orophin still on the ground, holding a single cushion and gazing dreamily off into the distance. He was wondering if sewing cushions payed better than wedding coordinating or moving services. He was sure he would make a wonderful seamstress.
"Orophin!" called Haldir, heaving up one end of the table, grunting as he did so. "Come help us get this into the talan!"
Orophin popped back into reality and dropped the cushion into a puddle. He then wandered over to where his older brothers were struggling with the table.
"Give us a hand, Orophin," said Rumil, trying to keep his nose in the air and finding it difficult under the circumstances.
Orophin put a hand out to support the side of the table. It was a beautiful piece of woodwork, the edges masterfully carved in all manner of twisty, curvy patterns. Orophin gazed at a snake engraved in the wood in fascination and wondered if he could carve something like that. He was sure that wood carving must pay very well indeed.
The table gave a lurch and he realized that it was moving. Dazedly he walked along beside it and started to mount the steps of the talan.
The steps were very narrow and curving, and Haldir and Rumil pushed and shoved at the coffee table, trying to get it up them somehow or other.
"Don't scratch the woodwork!" shrieked Goldberry from the top of the talan, as the edge of the table got too near the trunk of the tree for safety. Rumil and Haldir simultaneously gave the table a jerk away from the trunk, sending Orophin, standing on the outer edge of the steps, flying off.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" screamed Orophin as he fell.
He landed with a thud on the green grass.
The grass was very green. Much greener than the grass outside Orophin's talan. And it felt weird. It felt like…
Astroturf. It was astroturf.
Orophin wondered if he could make much money selling astroturf. It seemed like a good business to be in right now, if Lady Goldberry was buying it for her talan in the blessed realm of Lothlorien.
"Are you all right?" called Haldir, who had almost dropped the table when Orophin had gone flying.
Orophin didn't hear him and didn't answer.
"Did you get knocked unconscious?" called Haldir again, peering over the edge to see him face down in the astrot...grass.
"He's fine," said Rumil, nose in the air. "He's just being Orophin."
Haldir wasn't too sure. He didn't want to get sued for pushing his brother off of a talan. Still, Rumil had a point. It was rather typical with Orophin. The two elves continued to carry the table up the steps, narrowly missing the branches of the trees.
Orophin had forgotten that he was supposed to be working. He was too busy calculating how much it would cost to start an astroturf business. Or, since Galadriel seemed to be having trouble growing grass, he could invent a fertilizer. What would he call it? Go Green Go? Happy Hippie Grass Fertilizer? He'd have to get Haldir to think of the name.
'Where exactly are we supposed to put this?' asked Rumil snootily. There were cushions all over the floor, and they left no room for the huge table.
'I don't know, just somewhere!' said Haldir desperately. His arms were getting quite tired.
Rumil accordingly set the table down, one of it's legs in a plant pot. Haldir followed suit and skewered a cushion.
'Idiots!' screamed Goldberry from somewhere. The elves cringed and continued working.
Haldir and Rumil were very tired, but at last the work was all done.
'If you could… perhaps… pay us?' said Haldir to Goldberry. She laughed.
'My dear elf,' she said loftily. 'I don't pay for things. You must go to Lady Galadriel for money.'
'At any rate,' said Rumil as Goldberry swept off, 'I'm getting lunch now. You get the money from Galadriel.'
'I'm coming, too,' said Haldir. 'Orophin can get the money from Galadriel.'
'Did you hear that, Orophin?' called Rumil as he and Haldir ran for the nearest fast food joint.
Orophin didn't hear, or if he did, he soon forgot about it. He was too busy thinking of how to get away with importing illegal chemicals for fertilizer from Harad. He would need a smuggler. How much did smugglers get paid, he wondered?
'Where did those blasted elves go?' grumped Goldberry, stomping on the beautiful astroturf. 'Ah! You, there!'
Orophin looked up moonily.
'I have another thing I forgot to have you carry up,' said Goldberry. 'Come over here.'
Orophin followed her, but he was busy thinking about whether Lindir could smuggle for him. Did being a minstrel pay well?
'Here; carry up this piano and put it in the main room,' Goldberry ordered. Orophin blinked. 'DON'T JUST STAND THERE,' shrieked Goldberry. 'DO IT NOW!'
Orophin looked at the piano. He had already thought about how much being a pianist would pay, but decided to think about it again. He was sure it paid better than carrying pianos around.
'HOP TO IT!' said Goldberry, and flounced off.
Orophin looked at the piano and blinked again. It did not look easy to carry. He walked to it and tried lifting it. It didn't budge. Where were Haldir and Rumil?
In the end, the elf decided to tie the piano to his back. Would it stay on? He didn't know. He wondered if making rope were easy.
Up the stairs he started, the piano swaying precariously. He seemed to be going so slow. He would never make it up! Orophin wondered how much Goldberry would pay him to put railings on these steps.
The piano seemed to be lurching in every possible direction with far more force than seemed necessarily. Every moment Orophin expected to catapult off the steps and to the ground below...but this time with a piano on top of him.
He dared a glance up to see how near he was to the top. There was a very long way to still go. He set his jaw and hurried as fast as he could under the circumstances up and up and up. For the first time in his life, he was painfully aware of his own circumstances.
He kept going.
And he kept going.
And he kept going.
His arms were breaking into splinters, and he felt he simply must put the piano down. But he was still climbing.
Suddenly he took a step up and his foot came down on nothing. He stumbled before it met the floor of the talan, and the piano slid off his back as he fell flat on his face.
And suddenly everything beneath him gave way and he was falling.
Falling, and falling, and falling- everything was in slow motion. The cushions were above him, the piano on one side, and the coffee table on the other. Pots and pans and nail polish and picture frames and refrigerators were falling all around him. He hoped he wouldn't land underneath anything heavy. He wondered how much Goldberry would pay to have him clean the mess that was being created up.
Even while he was still falling, he heard a scream from somewhere beneath him. It sounded like Madame Goldberry! He wondered how much doctors got paid.
*squish*
Orophin slowly picked himself up and dusted his robes off. Then he looked around to see Rumil and Haldir standing by, each with half a hamburger in his hands. Their eyes were wide, and they were staring at where the piano had landed.
'Hello,' said Orophin. 'I survived.'
'Madame Goldberry got smushed,' said Rumil, his voice hushed in horror.
Orophin turned to see a few locks of golden hair sticking out from under the piano.
'Well,' he said slowly. 'I guess we're not getting paid.'
Lil - I hate Goldberry and Tom Bombadil. I hate Tom Bombadil so much that I wouldn't let OSFA put him in the story. Sorry, those of you who like these characters. Originally this was going to be Galadriel (and she wouldn't have gotten smushed), but we decided that Madame Goldberry was a better title than Madame Galadriel. Whoever gets what the title is referencing gets virtual cookies! (::) (::) (::)
Fitz - Let me first say that I had nothing to do with that ending. O.O Lily says it's perfect, and won't let me change it. Not that I like Goldberry, just...that was so morbid. O.O
Anyway, hope you enjoyed! This is the last you'll see of me for a while...at least until Easter. I'm going on a computer fast for about a month, and won't be visiting any of my usual virtual haunts. Hopefully I'll be back and fired up for writing in April. :) Til then, I'll miss you guys!