"Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?"
Wrestling Style
By
HardyGrrl
Staring:
Regis Philbin
Contestants:
Steven Richards (WWF)
Edge and Christian (WWF)
Joel Gertner (ECW)
Other Contestants:
Jeff Hardy (WWF)
The Rock (WWF)
Roadkill (ECW)
Justin Credible (ECW)
Francine (ECW)
Lita (WWF)
Mideon (WWF)
(The scene opens and Lita is entering the building. Francine runs behind her and clubs her in the back of the head with a kendo stick. Lita falls to the ground as Francine continues the beat-down.)
Francine
I'm the REAL millionaire!
(Francine drives off in a car as the scene fades to the opening of the show. Regis is standing in the front and laughs.)
Regis Philbin
Well, I guess Lita and Francine are eliminated from our competition. Allow me to introduce our contestants: from Cameron, North Carolina - Jeff Hardy!
(The camera shows Jeff Hardy's spot, but he's not in the seat. All of a sudden, a scream is heard from the crowd. Jeff Hardy comes tumbling down from the rafters and falls abruptly onto his seat.)
Regis Philbin (helping Jeff Hardy stand up)
Son, are you all right?
Jeff Hardy (smiling)
HELL YEAH! THAT ROCKED! NEXT TIME I'LL TRY IT WITH A LADDER! WHOO!
Regis Philbin (confused)
Okay... son, what did you do to your hair?
Jeff Hardy
Nothin'... I'm just stylin'. Regis, you think THAT'S extreme? THIS (takes off shirt) is extreme!!
(FX: Girls in the audience swoon and scream)
(Jeff takes a seat as Regis continues)
Regis Philbin
From Parts Unknown... Mideon!
(Mideon smiles and waves at the camera. He stands up and poses as he proudly sports his fanny pack. He flexes and the girls scream in horror as he winks happily and sits down.)
Regis Philbin
Okay then... from my wife's bedroom? Joel Gertner?!
(Joel Gertner smiles at the camera seductively as Regis looks from afar.)
Regis Philbin
From Miami, Florida... The Ro-
The Rock
Shut up, Jabroni! If you would just keep your roody-poo candy-assed mouth shut, you would hear them chanting The Rock's name... (sniffs the air)
(FX: The crowd chants "Rocky!")
The Rock
Do you smell that, Regis?
Regis Philbin (confused)
What are you smelling?
The Rock
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THE ROCK IS SMELLING! IF YA SMEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL WHAT THE ROCK... IS COOKIN'!!!!!!!!
Regis Philbin
Not exactly, but okay. From somewhere in Amish Country... Roadkill!
(The camera shows Roadkill with a demented look in his eyes as Danny Doring smiles and blows kisses to the ladies in the audience)
Regis Philbin
Who are you?
Danny Doring
I'm the Danaconda...
Regis Philbin
The Dana-whata?
Danny Doring
Any of you ladies want a ride?
Roadkill
CHICKENS!
Regis Philbin
Chickens? Chickens, what?
Danny Doring
Any of you ladies need a night to climb aboard the Danaconda and take the ride of your life... I'm right here...
Regis Philbin
Moving on... from Ontario, Canada... Edge and Christian!
(Edge and Christian are shown playing a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Edge plays rock and Christian plays paper.)
Christian
Ha! Paper covers rock! I get to answer all the questions!
Edge (takes his other hand and plays a scissors)
No way! Interference! Scissors cuts paper!
Christian
NNNOOOO!!!! DAMNIT! Dude! You so cheated! There's no interference in Rock, Paper, Scissors!
Regis Philbin
Boys, you can both answer the questions.
Edge
Not now, you Stone-Aged Reek-a-zoid!
Christian
Really, we're in the middle of a totally pensivinous match.
Regis Philbin
Okay... from-
(Steven Richards stands up and screams in a mad rage.)
Steven Richards
NO! NO! NO! This is not acceptable!
Regis Philbin
What's not acceptable?
Steven Richards
THERE ARE CHILDREN WATCHING IN THE AUDIENCE!!!
Regis Philbin
Yes, I know, sir.
Steven Richards (calms down)
I'm calm. I'm calm. Just know that I am watching you, Mr. Philbin...
Regis Philbin
All righty, then... and lastly from Ozone Park, New York... Justin Credible!
Justin Credible (glares at Danny Doring and Roadkill)
You stupid (beep) (beep)!! I'm gonna (beep) come over there and (beep) kick your (beep)! You (beep) (beep) (beep) (beep) (beep)!!!
Regis Philbin (shocked)
WOAH! I don't think you can say that on television, sir.
Danny Doring
He's just jealous of the Dana-conda...
Justin Credible
Dana-conda my (beep) (beep)!
(Justin Credible takes his kendo stick and charges at Danny Doring. He pummels both Roadkill and Danny with the kendo stick as the crowd chants "ECW! ECW! ECW!")
(The security guards escort Danny Doring, Roadkill, and Justin Credible out of the room.)
Justin Credible (screaming in distance)
That's not just the coolest! That's not just the best! That, my friends, is... hey! Where the hell is my car?! FRANCINE!!!!
Regis Philbin
All right. Now, it's time for the fastest finger question! Put these in the order of which president was first in office: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan, and George W. Bush... (mumbles) Please get this right, one of you.
(The timer counts as Steven Richards quickly answers. Joel Gertner is smiling at the camera. Edge and Christian are still playing Rock, Paper, Scissors. Jeff Hardy is staring dumbfounded at the computer. Mideon disappeared from his spot, but women's screams are heard in the distance. The Rock is giving the People's Eyebrow to the roody-poo jabroni cameraman.)
(FX: The timer goes off.)
Regis Philbin
Now, time to look at the winners.
(The screen shows Steven Richards' icon blinking.)
Regis Philbin
Well, I see Steven Richards is the only one who answered...
Steven Richards
YES!!! I will show you the correct entertainment that you SHOULD be watching!
(The Rock stands up angrily and protests.)
The Rock
No fair! The Rock demands a recount!
Regis Philbin
There is no recount!
The Rock
There is whatever The Rock says there is... and the Rock says NO Steven Richards!
Regis Philbin
And Regis says NO Rock.
The Rock
The Rock doesn't have to take this crap! The Rock is leaving!
(The Rock storms out of the building as Steven Richards happily sit in the chair in front of Regis.)
Edge (snorts aloud laughter)
He's almost as bad as Monopoly Man...
Christian
Yeah, but remember Edge... we can't say anything or HHH's manager Milton Bradley will kick our ass.
Edge (laughs)
What will he do? Twister us to death?
(Edge and Christian laugh aloud as Regis strangely looks at them.)
Regis Philbin
Let's begin. Our $100 question... Who was Bullwinkle's sidekick from the show Rocky and Bullwinkle? Was it Rocky? Mr. Rogers? Mike Tyson? Or Rainbow Brite?
Steven Richards (sweats)
Well... since I never watch violent and disgraceful television. I'd like to use a 50/50.
Regis Philbin (confused)
Okay. The left answers are "Rocky" and "Rainbow Brite".
Steven Richards (sigh)
I'd like to poll the audience.
Regis Philbin
You're not serious, are you?
Steven Richards (angry)
I'm VERY serious, Mr. Philbin...
Regis Philbin
Okay... the audience has made their guess: 99% say it's Rocky... and the 1% says it's Rainbow Brite.
Steven Richards
I'm still not sure.
Edge (laughs)
Dude! Pick Rainbow Brite!
Christian (laughs)
Yeah! Rainbow Brite! That chick so totally reeks of awesomeness!
Steven Richards (smiles)
All right. Rainbow Brite.
Regis Philbin
Oh! I'm sorry... the correct answer was Rocky. Thanks for playing, Steven.
(Steven Richards angrily gets in Regis' face, screaming.)
Steven Richards
WHAT?!?! I CAN'T LOSE!!!
Regis Philbin
Steven, I'm sorry... but you lost.
(Steven angrily marches off as Edge and Christian laugh.)
Edge
That's right, loser. YOU SUCK!
Regis Philbin
Okay, then. Our next fastest finger question is... Place the actresses according to their birth: (groans) Jenna Jamison, Traci Lords, Cheyenne, and Daisy Chain.
(Regis groans as Joel Gertner hurriedly answers with a smile. Edge and Christian laugh in accord that Regis is a total dorkchop. Jeff Hardy has mysteriously disappeared.)
Regis Philbin
How did I know you were going to answer that one correctly?
Joel Gertner
Well, all the ladies say I have the fastest finger in the world... but that's for DIFFERENT reasons...
(Joel Gertner sits in front of Regis and sighs. Regis clears his throat and looks at Joel Gertner, who makes eyes at a woman behind him.)
Joel Gertner
Do we actually have to play to get the money?
Regis Philbin
Uh, yes.
Joel Gertner
Can't I just strip for the ladies?
Regis Philbin
No...
Joel Gertner
Okay. First question... Reg.
Regis Philbin
Okay, then. What are the different positions that can be held in a military?
Joel Gertner (grins)
There's the 'missionary' position... there's the many 'kama sutra' positions... there's doggystyle... there's-
Regis Philbin
That's enough. Thank you. I believe that's a wrong answer, but we'll move onto the next question. Where is a 'joystick' most commonly found?
Joel Gertner
In between your wife's legs!
Regis Philbin
That's it. Security!
(Joel Gertner smiles and blows a kiss to the woman in the audience. Security escorts him off.)
Regis Philbin
Well, I guess that concludes our game of "Who Wants To Be A Million-"
Edge
Hey, I don't think so, Reg. You still have us...
Christian
Really. We are the fightingest tag team champs, and we'll be the fightingest and richest millionaires in the WWF!
Edge
Yeah! That's awesome, dude!
Regis Philbin
You're joking, right?
Edge
No way! Put us on a team and we'll SO get that million dollars!
Regis Philbin
All right. You have yourselves a deal. Edge and Christian...
(Edge and Christian run to the chair, but Edge sits in it and pushes Christian on the floor. Christian pouts.)
Regis Philbin
I can get more chairs, you know...
(A crew person brings out another chair and Christian sits on it.)
Edge
Thanks, Reg-eroni.
Christian
Yeah. This is like so the coolest.
Regis Philbin
Okay. First question... What is the capital of the United States? A. Alabama B. Washington, D.C. C. Seattle or D. New Orleans
Christian
Washington, D.C.
Regis Philbin (surprised)
Yes. It is!
Edge (high fives Christian)
That rocks. We know.
Regis Philbin
Okay. Next question... what is the highest point on Earth? A. Mount McKinley B. Mount Everest C. Mount Mountain or D. Mount Henry
Christian (squints his eyes off in the distance behind Regis)
B? Oh! Mount Everest.
Regis Philbin (confused)
Okay... next. Who painted the Mona Lisa? A. Raphael B. Leonardo da Vinci C. Donatello or D. Michaelangelo
Edge (squints his eyes off where Christian was looking)
Leonardo da Vinci?
Regis Philbin (confused)
Correct.
(Regis looks behind him and sees Jeff Hardy hanging upside down in the rafters, smiling)
Jeff Hardy
Hey there.
Regis Philbin
What are you doing up there?
Jeff Hardy
Giving them the answers... I can see them on your computer.
Regis Philbin
Security!
(Security pulls Jeff Hardy down and escort him out.)
Regis Philbin
This is a waste of my time...
Edge
Dude, we can SO totally make it through the rest of the rounds!
Christian
Really... forget that hick who can't talk normally! We can so TOTALLY kick butt!
Regis Philbin
Why bother?
Christian
Because... we want to make all the fans of this show with only four teeth see the light and once see a good show of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire!
Regis Philbin (sighs)
All right.
Edge
Thanks, Reg.
Regis Philbin
All right, this is for $1000... Who invented the telephone? A. Bret Hart B. Jerry Lawler C. Ben Franklin or D. That old reek-a-zoid named Alexander Graham Bell
Edge (thinks)
I think I'll have to phone a friend...
Regis Philbin
Okay... we'll-
Edge (takes out cell phone)
No, I've my cell phone right here. I'll call him.
(Edge dials up a number and Christian's cell phone rings. Christian answers it.)
Christian
Hello?
Edge
Yeah, hey dude!
Christian
Dude, what's up?!
Edge
Nothin'. I'm just on 'What Reek-a-zoid Wants to Kiss Regis' Ass For a Million Bucks'. Hey, there's this question... it says: "Who invented the telephone?"
Regis Philbin (rolls his eyes)
What a waste of a lifeline...
Edge
The choices are: A. Bret Hart B. Jerry Lawler C. Ben Franklin or D. That old reek-a-zoid named Alexander Graham Bell
Christian
No doubt! It's A! Our fellow Canadian brother Bret!
Edge
Dude that's whines on the phone... not invented the phone.
Christian
Oh... um... C?
Edge
Didn't that dude like create the Muppets?
Christian
Ben Franklin? I think so. So, I guess it's B.
Edge
I'll say D.
Christian and Edge
We say D.
Regis Philbin
Surprisingly you're correct... you just won one thousand dollars!
Edge
Wow! We made the same amount in one night that Essa Rios makes in one year! Sweet Lady McGee!
Christian
Yeah!
Regis Philbin
Okay... final question. This is for one million dollars...
Edge (thinks and counts on his fingers)
Hey, wait... wasn't there questions in between-
Regis Philbin (ignores Edge)
FOR ONE MILLION DOLLARS... What Greek philosopher wrote the Republic? A. Socrates B. Plato C. Titian D. My mother
Edge
Republic? Isn't that like Al Gore?
(Regis hits himself in the head.)
Christian
No, that's like Democrat or something... Republic is Bush.
Edge
Oh, you're right. Bush is our answer.
Regis Philbin
Bush isn't an answer to choose!!
Christian (thinks)
He's just trying to trick us, dude!!
Edge
That's not right!
(Regis rolls his eyes and stands up. He starts off. Edge and Christian stand up and grab two iron chairs.)
Regis Philbin
I'm going back to daytime television... Kathie Lee, wait for me!
(Edge and Christian give him the "Conchairto" and laugh. Christian steals his watch and runs off. Edge writes on the camera in black magic marker "Regis is a Stone-Aged reek-a-zoid" and runs off. The scene fades to black and the show ends.)
Wrestling Style
By
HardyGrrl
Staring:
Regis Philbin
Contestants:
Steven Richards (WWF)
Edge and Christian (WWF)
Joel Gertner (ECW)
Other Contestants:
Jeff Hardy (WWF)
The Rock (WWF)
Roadkill (ECW)
Justin Credible (ECW)
Francine (ECW)
Lita (WWF)
Mideon (WWF)
(The scene opens and Lita is entering the building. Francine runs behind her and clubs her in the back of the head with a kendo stick. Lita falls to the ground as Francine continues the beat-down.)
Francine
I'm the REAL millionaire!
(Francine drives off in a car as the scene fades to the opening of the show. Regis is standing in the front and laughs.)
Regis Philbin
Well, I guess Lita and Francine are eliminated from our competition. Allow me to introduce our contestants: from Cameron, North Carolina - Jeff Hardy!
(The camera shows Jeff Hardy's spot, but he's not in the seat. All of a sudden, a scream is heard from the crowd. Jeff Hardy comes tumbling down from the rafters and falls abruptly onto his seat.)
Regis Philbin (helping Jeff Hardy stand up)
Son, are you all right?
Jeff Hardy (smiling)
HELL YEAH! THAT ROCKED! NEXT TIME I'LL TRY IT WITH A LADDER! WHOO!
Regis Philbin (confused)
Okay... son, what did you do to your hair?
Jeff Hardy
Nothin'... I'm just stylin'. Regis, you think THAT'S extreme? THIS (takes off shirt) is extreme!!
(FX: Girls in the audience swoon and scream)
(Jeff takes a seat as Regis continues)
Regis Philbin
From Parts Unknown... Mideon!
(Mideon smiles and waves at the camera. He stands up and poses as he proudly sports his fanny pack. He flexes and the girls scream in horror as he winks happily and sits down.)
Regis Philbin
Okay then... from my wife's bedroom? Joel Gertner?!
(Joel Gertner smiles at the camera seductively as Regis looks from afar.)
Regis Philbin
From Miami, Florida... The Ro-
The Rock
Shut up, Jabroni! If you would just keep your roody-poo candy-assed mouth shut, you would hear them chanting The Rock's name... (sniffs the air)
(FX: The crowd chants "Rocky!")
The Rock
Do you smell that, Regis?
Regis Philbin (confused)
What are you smelling?
The Rock
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THE ROCK IS SMELLING! IF YA SMEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL WHAT THE ROCK... IS COOKIN'!!!!!!!!
Regis Philbin
Not exactly, but okay. From somewhere in Amish Country... Roadkill!
(The camera shows Roadkill with a demented look in his eyes as Danny Doring smiles and blows kisses to the ladies in the audience)
Regis Philbin
Who are you?
Danny Doring
I'm the Danaconda...
Regis Philbin
The Dana-whata?
Danny Doring
Any of you ladies want a ride?
Roadkill
CHICKENS!
Regis Philbin
Chickens? Chickens, what?
Danny Doring
Any of you ladies need a night to climb aboard the Danaconda and take the ride of your life... I'm right here...
Regis Philbin
Moving on... from Ontario, Canada... Edge and Christian!
(Edge and Christian are shown playing a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Edge plays rock and Christian plays paper.)
Christian
Ha! Paper covers rock! I get to answer all the questions!
Edge (takes his other hand and plays a scissors)
No way! Interference! Scissors cuts paper!
Christian
NNNOOOO!!!! DAMNIT! Dude! You so cheated! There's no interference in Rock, Paper, Scissors!
Regis Philbin
Boys, you can both answer the questions.
Edge
Not now, you Stone-Aged Reek-a-zoid!
Christian
Really, we're in the middle of a totally pensivinous match.
Regis Philbin
Okay... from-
(Steven Richards stands up and screams in a mad rage.)
Steven Richards
NO! NO! NO! This is not acceptable!
Regis Philbin
What's not acceptable?
Steven Richards
THERE ARE CHILDREN WATCHING IN THE AUDIENCE!!!
Regis Philbin
Yes, I know, sir.
Steven Richards (calms down)
I'm calm. I'm calm. Just know that I am watching you, Mr. Philbin...
Regis Philbin
All righty, then... and lastly from Ozone Park, New York... Justin Credible!
Justin Credible (glares at Danny Doring and Roadkill)
You stupid (beep) (beep)!! I'm gonna (beep) come over there and (beep) kick your (beep)! You (beep) (beep) (beep) (beep) (beep)!!!
Regis Philbin (shocked)
WOAH! I don't think you can say that on television, sir.
Danny Doring
He's just jealous of the Dana-conda...
Justin Credible
Dana-conda my (beep) (beep)!
(Justin Credible takes his kendo stick and charges at Danny Doring. He pummels both Roadkill and Danny with the kendo stick as the crowd chants "ECW! ECW! ECW!")
(The security guards escort Danny Doring, Roadkill, and Justin Credible out of the room.)
Justin Credible (screaming in distance)
That's not just the coolest! That's not just the best! That, my friends, is... hey! Where the hell is my car?! FRANCINE!!!!
Regis Philbin
All right. Now, it's time for the fastest finger question! Put these in the order of which president was first in office: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan, and George W. Bush... (mumbles) Please get this right, one of you.
(The timer counts as Steven Richards quickly answers. Joel Gertner is smiling at the camera. Edge and Christian are still playing Rock, Paper, Scissors. Jeff Hardy is staring dumbfounded at the computer. Mideon disappeared from his spot, but women's screams are heard in the distance. The Rock is giving the People's Eyebrow to the roody-poo jabroni cameraman.)
(FX: The timer goes off.)
Regis Philbin
Now, time to look at the winners.
(The screen shows Steven Richards' icon blinking.)
Regis Philbin
Well, I see Steven Richards is the only one who answered...
Steven Richards
YES!!! I will show you the correct entertainment that you SHOULD be watching!
(The Rock stands up angrily and protests.)
The Rock
No fair! The Rock demands a recount!
Regis Philbin
There is no recount!
The Rock
There is whatever The Rock says there is... and the Rock says NO Steven Richards!
Regis Philbin
And Regis says NO Rock.
The Rock
The Rock doesn't have to take this crap! The Rock is leaving!
(The Rock storms out of the building as Steven Richards happily sit in the chair in front of Regis.)
Edge (snorts aloud laughter)
He's almost as bad as Monopoly Man...
Christian
Yeah, but remember Edge... we can't say anything or HHH's manager Milton Bradley will kick our ass.
Edge (laughs)
What will he do? Twister us to death?
(Edge and Christian laugh aloud as Regis strangely looks at them.)
Regis Philbin
Let's begin. Our $100 question... Who was Bullwinkle's sidekick from the show Rocky and Bullwinkle? Was it Rocky? Mr. Rogers? Mike Tyson? Or Rainbow Brite?
Steven Richards (sweats)
Well... since I never watch violent and disgraceful television. I'd like to use a 50/50.
Regis Philbin (confused)
Okay. The left answers are "Rocky" and "Rainbow Brite".
Steven Richards (sigh)
I'd like to poll the audience.
Regis Philbin
You're not serious, are you?
Steven Richards (angry)
I'm VERY serious, Mr. Philbin...
Regis Philbin
Okay... the audience has made their guess: 99% say it's Rocky... and the 1% says it's Rainbow Brite.
Steven Richards
I'm still not sure.
Edge (laughs)
Dude! Pick Rainbow Brite!
Christian (laughs)
Yeah! Rainbow Brite! That chick so totally reeks of awesomeness!
Steven Richards (smiles)
All right. Rainbow Brite.
Regis Philbin
Oh! I'm sorry... the correct answer was Rocky. Thanks for playing, Steven.
(Steven Richards angrily gets in Regis' face, screaming.)
Steven Richards
WHAT?!?! I CAN'T LOSE!!!
Regis Philbin
Steven, I'm sorry... but you lost.
(Steven angrily marches off as Edge and Christian laugh.)
Edge
That's right, loser. YOU SUCK!
Regis Philbin
Okay, then. Our next fastest finger question is... Place the actresses according to their birth: (groans) Jenna Jamison, Traci Lords, Cheyenne, and Daisy Chain.
(Regis groans as Joel Gertner hurriedly answers with a smile. Edge and Christian laugh in accord that Regis is a total dorkchop. Jeff Hardy has mysteriously disappeared.)
Regis Philbin
How did I know you were going to answer that one correctly?
Joel Gertner
Well, all the ladies say I have the fastest finger in the world... but that's for DIFFERENT reasons...
(Joel Gertner sits in front of Regis and sighs. Regis clears his throat and looks at Joel Gertner, who makes eyes at a woman behind him.)
Joel Gertner
Do we actually have to play to get the money?
Regis Philbin
Uh, yes.
Joel Gertner
Can't I just strip for the ladies?
Regis Philbin
No...
Joel Gertner
Okay. First question... Reg.
Regis Philbin
Okay, then. What are the different positions that can be held in a military?
Joel Gertner (grins)
There's the 'missionary' position... there's the many 'kama sutra' positions... there's doggystyle... there's-
Regis Philbin
That's enough. Thank you. I believe that's a wrong answer, but we'll move onto the next question. Where is a 'joystick' most commonly found?
Joel Gertner
In between your wife's legs!
Regis Philbin
That's it. Security!
(Joel Gertner smiles and blows a kiss to the woman in the audience. Security escorts him off.)
Regis Philbin
Well, I guess that concludes our game of "Who Wants To Be A Million-"
Edge
Hey, I don't think so, Reg. You still have us...
Christian
Really. We are the fightingest tag team champs, and we'll be the fightingest and richest millionaires in the WWF!
Edge
Yeah! That's awesome, dude!
Regis Philbin
You're joking, right?
Edge
No way! Put us on a team and we'll SO get that million dollars!
Regis Philbin
All right. You have yourselves a deal. Edge and Christian...
(Edge and Christian run to the chair, but Edge sits in it and pushes Christian on the floor. Christian pouts.)
Regis Philbin
I can get more chairs, you know...
(A crew person brings out another chair and Christian sits on it.)
Edge
Thanks, Reg-eroni.
Christian
Yeah. This is like so the coolest.
Regis Philbin
Okay. First question... What is the capital of the United States? A. Alabama B. Washington, D.C. C. Seattle or D. New Orleans
Christian
Washington, D.C.
Regis Philbin (surprised)
Yes. It is!
Edge (high fives Christian)
That rocks. We know.
Regis Philbin
Okay. Next question... what is the highest point on Earth? A. Mount McKinley B. Mount Everest C. Mount Mountain or D. Mount Henry
Christian (squints his eyes off in the distance behind Regis)
B? Oh! Mount Everest.
Regis Philbin (confused)
Okay... next. Who painted the Mona Lisa? A. Raphael B. Leonardo da Vinci C. Donatello or D. Michaelangelo
Edge (squints his eyes off where Christian was looking)
Leonardo da Vinci?
Regis Philbin (confused)
Correct.
(Regis looks behind him and sees Jeff Hardy hanging upside down in the rafters, smiling)
Jeff Hardy
Hey there.
Regis Philbin
What are you doing up there?
Jeff Hardy
Giving them the answers... I can see them on your computer.
Regis Philbin
Security!
(Security pulls Jeff Hardy down and escort him out.)
Regis Philbin
This is a waste of my time...
Edge
Dude, we can SO totally make it through the rest of the rounds!
Christian
Really... forget that hick who can't talk normally! We can so TOTALLY kick butt!
Regis Philbin
Why bother?
Christian
Because... we want to make all the fans of this show with only four teeth see the light and once see a good show of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire!
Regis Philbin (sighs)
All right.
Edge
Thanks, Reg.
Regis Philbin
All right, this is for $1000... Who invented the telephone? A. Bret Hart B. Jerry Lawler C. Ben Franklin or D. That old reek-a-zoid named Alexander Graham Bell
Edge (thinks)
I think I'll have to phone a friend...
Regis Philbin
Okay... we'll-
Edge (takes out cell phone)
No, I've my cell phone right here. I'll call him.
(Edge dials up a number and Christian's cell phone rings. Christian answers it.)
Christian
Hello?
Edge
Yeah, hey dude!
Christian
Dude, what's up?!
Edge
Nothin'. I'm just on 'What Reek-a-zoid Wants to Kiss Regis' Ass For a Million Bucks'. Hey, there's this question... it says: "Who invented the telephone?"
Regis Philbin (rolls his eyes)
What a waste of a lifeline...
Edge
The choices are: A. Bret Hart B. Jerry Lawler C. Ben Franklin or D. That old reek-a-zoid named Alexander Graham Bell
Christian
No doubt! It's A! Our fellow Canadian brother Bret!
Edge
Dude that's whines on the phone... not invented the phone.
Christian
Oh... um... C?
Edge
Didn't that dude like create the Muppets?
Christian
Ben Franklin? I think so. So, I guess it's B.
Edge
I'll say D.
Christian and Edge
We say D.
Regis Philbin
Surprisingly you're correct... you just won one thousand dollars!
Edge
Wow! We made the same amount in one night that Essa Rios makes in one year! Sweet Lady McGee!
Christian
Yeah!
Regis Philbin
Okay... final question. This is for one million dollars...
Edge (thinks and counts on his fingers)
Hey, wait... wasn't there questions in between-
Regis Philbin (ignores Edge)
FOR ONE MILLION DOLLARS... What Greek philosopher wrote the Republic? A. Socrates B. Plato C. Titian D. My mother
Edge
Republic? Isn't that like Al Gore?
(Regis hits himself in the head.)
Christian
No, that's like Democrat or something... Republic is Bush.
Edge
Oh, you're right. Bush is our answer.
Regis Philbin
Bush isn't an answer to choose!!
Christian (thinks)
He's just trying to trick us, dude!!
Edge
That's not right!
(Regis rolls his eyes and stands up. He starts off. Edge and Christian stand up and grab two iron chairs.)
Regis Philbin
I'm going back to daytime television... Kathie Lee, wait for me!
(Edge and Christian give him the "Conchairto" and laugh. Christian steals his watch and runs off. Edge writes on the camera in black magic marker "Regis is a Stone-Aged reek-a-zoid" and runs off. The scene fades to black and the show ends.)