'Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz'
Rimmer looked up at the ceiling with exasperation and twisted his features into a well practiced scowl, turning slightly in his chair he shot a malice filled glare in the direction of his sleeping bunkmate and after successfully holding it for a few seconds he turned back to the Skutter before him and rolled his eyes.
Bob stared back blank and unresponsive, he had slowly shut down his systems and switched himself to auto pilot over an hour ago yet Rimmer was either choosing to ignore the insult or simply hadn't noticed, either way Rimmer would demand Bob stay with him just in case Rimmer needed to stop writing and simply dictate his treasured memoirs for the Skutter to type.
'Zzzzzzzzzzzz …..snort …. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz'
Gritting his teeth Rimmer exhaled and continued staring at the paper in front of him he had been writing for a few days now and felt pretty proud of his achievements so far, in fact just to remind himself of a few choice chapters and re check all was flowing smoothly he sat back and began to re-read it for the fortieth time. Satisfied with his diction he sat for awhile and looked around the room with half a smile, these quarters were heaven compared to the old miserable grey panelled tombs they had endured; now Rimmer could sit peacefully at the desk and stare straight ahead of him out the wall length windows and look to the stars for inspiration. Another snort and lip smacking noise from behind him brought him back to reality.
"Peace, however, is never achievable with that Scouse git in radar" Rimmer half spat the words in Lister's direction.
Lister opened one eye and peered over to the desk, Rimmer was still focused on his work yet Lister could see from the positioning of his head and shoulder's that his fake snoring was slowly grating away at hologram's patience, though the final outburst was not developing fast enough for Lister's personal patience. Lister had actually tried to leave Rimmer alone for a few days since he had a new project but had found himself tense and frustrated not having anyone to wind up. Closing his eye again he adopted a slumped position and began moaning suggestively in his fake sleep.
"Mmmmm oh yeah" he garbled into his pillow, through the crack of one eye he saw Rimmer turn and glare at him again then shake his head and turn back to his work. Lister groaned internally, he wanted to get up now, it was time to pull out the big one.
"Oh yeah, baby, give it to me. Mmm Rimmer" Lister could barely keep the smirk back as he saw Rimmer jump from his chair in horror and stride towards him, "Wait wait, I am joking, I am awake"
"Lister you are a complete baboon, that is disgusting, don't ever say that again" Rimmer snarled, he hated the sound of Lister's high pitched chirpy laughter especially when it was at his own expense; which 9 times out of 10 it usually was, "How long have you been lying there just winding me up?" he snapped.
"About half an hour, I got bored though, thought I would speed the process up. Damn your cute when you're angry" Lister winked and grinned inanely.
Rimmer turned away red faced and furious, throwing himself back onto his chair he reached over and bonked Bob on the head, "You can wake up as well you smegger, take over this. I can't focus."
Bob whirred back to action and stared about himself in shock, he was sure he heard a screw fall loose internally, giving Rimmer a quick two finger salute he zig zagged his way out of the room beeping and churning angrily.
"What are you doing anyway?" Lister asked throwing his legs over the bunk and swinging them idly.
"I, Lister, am doing something worthwhile unlike some chimp faced space bums around here. I am enriching the lives of others and providing entertainment.'
"Entertainment? For who? Certainly not me." Lister jumped down and peered over Rimmer's shoulder. "For those out there who need to know the real me?" he read aloud in mock horror. "Aw Rimmer you aren't still going on about this are you!"
"I am merely documenting how I feel about certain events in my life, it is not for me Listy it's for the fans. Those thousands of people that watch me watch you! They sit there watching DVD after DVD and talking about us, doesn't that fascinate you?"
Lister rolled his eyes and began to wish he had never asked, this was the third time he had been dragged into this argument with Rimmer since they had escaped Missus Despair Squid and dumped her on an ocean moon, it was a dangerous discussion that Lister didn't want to get into again, that other reality was too painful to remember.
"Rimmer that reality is not this one; they can't see what we are doing now! They can't read that tot you are writing"
"Tot?" Rimmer shouted, "Lister this is a detailed inventory of everything that has ever happened to me and the real version of a lot of the events that our fans have read or watched. I don't know who this Doug Naylor or Rob Grant is but they can clearly see us now and what we are doing. How else do you explain all those DVDs detailing everything we ever did and said??"
"Rimmer, seriously … I have no idea. But what does it matter? We are never going back there, they cant get here! I know the idea of being a sitcom over there is kind of mind boggling but you have to remember it was a different reality caused by a psychotic episode thanks to some ink. Actual ink, get the link there?. Ink? Writing… creativity? Fiction! I mean we never even got to watch those DVDs it might not have been exactly what we did. Maybe none of it actually existed; it was all in our minds rendering this exercise and conversation completely pointless."
"Well then how do you explain them knowing all about every adventure we had? Every argument we had? That man in the shop Redge Warf or whatever that guys name was, they were obsessed with it. I checked the internet in that café we stopped at, people actually write stuff about us that never happened!"
"Never happened?" Lister pulled a face in confusion.
"Yeah, it is called fan fiction or something, it is on some website, in many of them I am a hunk. Me! And I get the girl in loads of these little snippets, I get all the angst and come through it and you are my best friend and Cat is … well no one really did much with Cat"
"You got a girl? And I am your best mate? Definitely fiction then." Lister laughed, he looked up at Rimmer's face and felt a pang of guilt, these last few days he had seemed determined and happy, someone out there cared for him, someone kept up to date with him. At least writing these memoirs kept him occupied even though he was unbearable when going on about a duty to the public, he had been a lot more pleasant knowing people were out there somewhere.
"Chris Barrie" Rimmer said softly, "Some guy who plays me apparently. Women love him and he looks exactly the same as me why did he get that break? I just wanted to write this in the hope that if it is read or found here and then in that reality if it is made well it could be a regular thing Lister. Fans, money, fame the works! What is to stop us returning one day?"
Sighing Lister sat at the table beside Rimmer he could see the cogs in Rimmer's head whirring round as he silently mulled over the situation. Reaching forward he lifted a sheet of paper and quickly scanned the page; he looked up at a Rimmer who was defensively stroking the edge of his pen looking slightly sorry for himself.
"It's just something to work on and think about" Rimmer whispered dropping his pen, "Something to take the edge of this mind numbing dullness"
Lister stood up and walked over to the window; he stared out to the stars and sighed, leaning his forehead against the glass he felt a familiar ache in his chest. He didn't want to think Rimmer might be right, he didn't want to think about that other place still being there if they weren't imaging it, he didn't want to think about the fans, people that supported him and he didn't want to think about her but it seemed he would have no choice if he was to keep a smile on Rimmer's face.
"Okay man. Maybe you are right" Lister turned slowly and looked at Rimmer meaningfully, "Maybe people are out there waiting for the next installment of the Dwarfers and what we get up to. You should carry on with it, just in case!"
Rimmer stared at him suspiciously, "Really? You think so?"
Lister picked his jacket up off the chair and threw it round his shoulders, "Sure, who can it hurt? Just don't let it take over your life huh?" Patting Rimmer gently on the shoulder he smiled and walked towards the door, one last look over his shoulder showed Rimmer with renewed energy scribbling away at the paper with his tongue sticking slightly out of his mouth..
Now she flooded his mind like a poison leaving a dull ache in his stomach. Her smile, her kiss he gave everything up to come back to reality to find her and he had done nothing but sit around feeling sorry for himself. If Rimmer was going to be documenting every smegging thing they did from now on he better start making a definite effort to find her, she was out there somewhere, as he made his way down the corridor he saw Bob scuttling about with a mop.
"Ah Bob, Fancy a drink?" Lister offered nodding his head in the direction of the bar, "I hear they have some WD40 behind the bar, vintage stuff"
Lister laughed as Bob dropped the mop and shot off ahead of him, he stood for a minute until Bob was out of sight and took a deep breath, he had nothing to be scared of, besides he had been told that he was kinda cool, he didn't take any smeg and even though he was disgusting he was could be brave and he was going to have to be pretty brave now to track her down and show her he could change, just after this pint.