Keeping The Memory Alive
-O-
DISCLAIMER: I am not connected to Emmerdale and its characters, which belong to ITV.
-O-
Aaron kept pushing on, running through the lanes and fields which surrounded Emmerdale village. He kept on at a relentless pace, ignoring the searing feeling in his lungs as he gasped for air, his feet a blur as they pounded the ground beneath him. On a bit further...over the ditch...into the next field, just a couple of miles more might blot out the pain in his head...and his heart. His shirt was now soaked with sweat and he knew that he would need a shower when he reached home, but that was of little consequence. The water and soap would cleanse his body but there was no way of cleansing his mind of his demons...Katie's death...Jackson's death...Robert's betrayal...Andy's grief...Chas' pain at losing her best friend.
He had slipped into the Woolpack through the side door. Usually, he would just bound through the front door of the pub but he knew that his mother would be behind the bar and he did not want to face her. He still had a secret that he shared with Robert: an awful secret that he knew would break his mother's heart. If she knew the truth about his part in enticing Katie to the dangerous old farmhouse that fateful day, then she would probably disown him and, in his eyes, he would deserve it. He deserved to be punished, to suffer any pain inflicted on him.
As he stood under the jets of hot water, Aaron's thoughts drifted back to Robert. He wished that he had never met him. Why had he taken up with a married man? Why had a 'straight guy' wanted a relationship with him? Why had he fallen in love with Robert Sugden? Why did Robert deny any feelings for him when he knew, deep down, that Robert had fallen for him too? He had once admitted as much. Aaron's mind was in turmoil or, as he himself would put it, his head was mashed. That head told him that he had done the right thing in dumping Robert, if only he could convince his heart of that.
Aaron looked down at the palms of his hands. They were still healing from the self-inflicted glass cuts and he felt a sense of self-disgust at his actions. He was, once again, hurting himself when he should really be directing his anger at Robert. As he towelled himself dry, he made a decision: he was going to tell his mother the truth about Robert's wedding day and the events leading up to the ceremony.
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Chrissie looked at Robert in disbelief as they stood in the kitchen of Home Farm, "What did you just say?"
"Nothing!" Robert was on the defensive.
"Come on," Chrissie knew that she had heard correctly, "If you've got something to say about Lachlan, then at least be man enough to tell me to my face."
Robert knew that Chrissie would not let it lie, "All I said was, he's got previous form, hasn't he?"
"Oh, so you're saying that you don't trust him, that he made it all up about Alicia grooming him?"
"Look, I know Alicia," Robert was trying, unsuccessfully, to placate Chrissie, "she's devoted to David, I could see that at the football training."
"So," Chrissie had a face like thunder, "You're accusing my son of telling a pack of lies. You think he's guilty of assaulting her, do you?"
"I didn't say that..."
Chrissie cut him short, "As good as...you need to decide which side you're on..."
"Chrissie, I'm on your side, you know that."
Chrissie was not in the mood to back down, "I'm not so sure anymore. Get out! And don't come back until you can give Lachlan your unswerving support."
"Chrissie...wait!"
"I said get out!" Chrissie shoved Robert's chest.
Robert could see that he was not getting anywhere, so he decided to keep the peace and leave his wife to calm down on her own.
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Chas knew that Aaron was upset about something. She was used to his irritable mood swings but lately he had become distant and withdrawn. She had spoken to both Paddy and Adam but his surrogate father and best mate were just as much in the dark as she was. Aaron had always felt uncomfortable with confiding in anyone and that was something in his make-up that would never change.
Aaron was sitting at the table in the back room when his mother appeared. She looked at him and pondered for a moment: having him back at home should have been the best thing ever, yet it seemed tainted by something she did not understand. Aaron was as moody as he had ever been, although Chas, as usual, was not privy to his thoughts and fears.
"You alright, son?" Chas sat opposite Aaron with a cup of tea.
"Uh-huh," Aaron grunted.
"You seem a bit preoccupied lately...is everything okay?"
Aaron gave his mother a look of disdain: it was a look which told her that he did not welcome any intrusions into his life, "Yeah, I'm okay."
Chas did not believe him so she decided to dig a little further, "Is Adam alright? Is it all going well at the scrap yard?"
"Yeah, it's fine."
Chas had to smile to herself. She had not expected a full rundown of the company's finances, but more than three words would have been welcome!
"Well," Chas stood up and put her empty cup in the sink, "you will let me know if you need to talk, won't you?"
Aaron also stood up, he was on the verge of telling his mother everything about Katie's death, but he had chickened out again. He clenched his fists, digging his fingernails into his palms.
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Adam was out somewhere when Aaron arrived at the portacabin in the yard. He sat at the desk and studied some paperwork when he heard a car draw up outside. Without looking he knew that it was Robert Sugden's car and, sure enough, his ex-lover entered.
"Hi Aaron," Robert smiled at him, "Adam not around?"
"Yeah, I'm hiding him behind the filing cabinet." Aaron's sarcasm was not lost on Robert.
"Can we talk?"
"I told you before, I've got nothing to say to you, we're done," Aaron sneered.
"But I still have a stake in this place," Robert replied, "I wanted to go over the books."
Aaron was not convinced, "That's not why you're here, since when have you taken an interest in the business? We both know you only put the money in so we could meet up legitimately."
"Look Aaron," Robert decided to come to the point, "I've had a falling out with Chrissie over Lachlan..."
Aaron butted in, "Oh, I see! You're not getting any from her so you thought you'd come round here for a bit of extra-marital, did you?"
"Come on mate, don't be like that."
"Like what?" Aaron had the measure of Robert by now, "I told you we were over, why should I care if you've had a row with the missus? You can't just come crawling back here whenever you feel like it. It's not fair on me, I deserve better than that."
"So," Robert picked up on Aaron's mood, "you still have feelings for me."
"No I don't!" Aaron went on the defensive.
"I think you do," Robert would not give in, "and what if I told you that I still have feelings for you too?"
Aaron felt a flash of anger and he shouted at Robert, "Don't play these games with me Robert...you're doing me head in! I can't stand much more of this. The way you keep blowing hot and cold, it makes me want to go and hurl myself off that cliff your brother tried to drive off of!" Aaron stood up and tried to brush past Robert, but the older man grabbed him.
"Don't say that! I'm not messing you around Aaron, not this time. I'll tell you the truth...I have fallen for you, really I have...and I hoped that you felt the same about me. You told me you loved me at the farm on my wedding day, practically begged me to dump Chrissie. Was that all a lie?"
Aaron stared into Robert's eyes, his own beautiful blue ones burning with frustration and anger, "Get your hands off me! I did fall in love with you, I didn't mean to, but I did. But you've killed what we had between us...all I ever get from you is lies. I know what real love is, after..." Aaron stalled, feeling that he had said too much.
Robert picked up on Aaron's meaning, "Jackson," he said, simply.
Aaron did not want to talk about it. He suddenly realised that the relationship that he once had with his ex-boyfriend was a world away from this fling with Robert. Jackson had cared for him, even though he had not realised it at first. He knew that Robert only cared about himself, his status, his wealth, his married life. Jackson would have given Aaron the world if he could have done, but Robert gave him nothing but grief.
Aaron struggled free, away from Robert's grasp, "Go back to your perfect little world in your big house," Aaron sneered, "I don't need you messing with me head. Just do one!"
Robert would have argued the point, but he could see that Aaron was likely to hit him at any moment, so he decided to leave.
Aaron watched him drive away. He realised that he did not want Robert anymore: his heart had decided to move on.
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As Aaron lay in bed that night, he could feel Jackson's presence. He did not usually believe in the supernatural, but sometimes he felt as though Jackson was near, especially in times of crisis. It was as if the love that his boyfriend had felt for him could transcend anything, even death. How he longed for a love similar to the one that he had known with Jackson. He realised that true love only existed between two people who both felt the same way about each other.
Aaron spoke to Jackson as he stared at the ceiling. He did not speak out loud but chatted to him in his head, just like he did when he visited Jackson's grave. His boyfriend had been wise and decent and he realised, for his own sake, what he must do.
The next morning, Aaron found his mother in the kitchen as usual. She greeted him with a smile, "Would you like bacon and eggs?" she enquired.
Aaron sat at the table, "Leave that for a minute and sit down," Aaron said.
Chas did as she was requested. She realised that Aaron was about to unburden himself and she was not going to miss this rare opportunity.
Aaron cleared his throat and studied his mother's face carefully, "I've got to tell you something. I should have told you before but I thought you'd hate me if you found out."
Chas was intrigued, "Found out what? Anyway, you're my son...I can't hate you."
"You sure about that? I think you will when I tell you this."
"You've got me worried now."
Aaron was still not entirely convinced that he was doing the right thing, but he pressed on, "It's about me and Robert..."
"I thought you said that was over..."
"It is!" Aaron became agitated, "Will you keep quiet and listen to what I want to tell you?"
"Sorry...carry on."
Aaron regaled Chas with the story about enticing Katie to the farm on Robert's wedding day, of how Robert described the events and how Aaron had covered his tracks. Chas sat dumfounded: she was shocked at the news.
"Well.." Aaron was pensive, "say something, for God's sake."
"I knew it," Chas suddenly broke her silence, "He murdered her! Oh Aaron, what have you got yourself involved in? I'm phoning the police."
"He didn't murder her, it was an accident!" Aaron tried to convince his mother, and himself, of the fact.
"Look love, you weren't there when it happened, were you? He might just be pretending it was an accident. We must tell the police."
"But it could drop me right in it!" Aaron looked petrified, "I may not be guilty of murder, but I kept quiet for Robert's sake. How will that make me look? I could go down for this too."
Chas thought about it. It was true that her son was implicated and could get into trouble. As much as she wanted to see Robert behind bars for his part in her best friend's demise, she didn't want Aaron to be dragged down too. She was also afraid that he might return to self-harming or even worse.
"Alright," Chas spoke after mulling things over, "I won't go to the police, for your sake. But I'll have to tell Diane about this as I want Robert barred from the pub and she'll need to know why. He is her step-son after all, God help us. Oh, Aaron, why did you have to get involved with him?"
"I don't know," Aaron looked close to tears, "I suppose I'm still looking for what I lost. I don't know if I'll ever find it again..."
Chas was sad for her son. She knew that he still missed Jackson, even though he rarely spoke about it. But, she knew that the wounds still ran very deep and that Aaron could never be happy unless he met someone like Jackson, who had been his soul-mate.
She would keep quiet for Aaron's sake and, maybe, Robert would still get his comeuppance...one day.