summary: "Quinn immediately curls up against Rachel, her arms circling Rachel's chest, and—honestly—it's the first time since almost two years ago that Rachel hasn't cried herself to sleep. She thinks the same is probably true for Quinn, too." AU punk!Rachel and angst Cheerio!Quinn.
an (1): because people had been asking for them and i was okay with that. (and by people i mean TS and one anon, so here you go.) i'm honestly not even sure where this came from or if it even makes sense, but i guess we'll see. let me know what you think. x
an (2): all references from the fabulous and haunting active child. i mention "before you go" by ok sweetheart, so listen to that because it's beautiful.
[also, just trigger warning for pretty much everything. nothing is graphic at all, but, just be careful.]
i'm in your church at night
.
if you're afraid in this world, say a prayer tonight
lay down and close your eyes, you'll be safer in my arms
...
one. touch me and just turn away
.
It's Rachel's first day of school in Lima. She's starting her junior year of high school, a new student after having moved from Cleveland, and during homeroom, she straightens her black skirt and tries to slouch as effectively as possible. She's not cool, because she's the second person there, but she sits at the back of the room instead of in the front row.
People eventually start to file in, and no one gives Rachel a second glance until a group of three girls bounce through the door, arms linked. Two of them are in cheerleading uniforms—and they don't pay attention to Rachel either—but one of them is in a white sundress. Rachel notices two things about her immediately. The first is that she doesn't look away from Rachel, not at all; she practically undresses Rachel with her eyes—pretty eyes: deep hazel; intelligent; dark. The second thing is that she's wearing a cross around her neck, proudly, shining for everyone to see.
"Quinn Fabray," Mrs. Jennings calls, and the girl's hand shoots up and a clear, slightly husky voice says here as her gaze falls away from Rachel's.
And then when this Quinn Fabray stands up at the bell—she's even more beautiful then—she very sneakily maneuvers herself next to Rachel in the crowd of people and squeezes Rachel's ass. Hard.
"Watch where you're going," Quinn says, but then Rachel catches Quinn's smile as she walks—struts—away.
It's the third thing Rachel notices and the only thing Rachel needs to know.
.
They see each other for seven mornings before Quinn comes to school in a Cheerio's uniform. Rachel already can't formulate rational thoughts around Quinn, because she's mesmerizing in her sundresses and ankle boots, the little cross there to ward of vampires (not unlike herself).
But Quinn in that tiny, tight-fitting cheerleading uniform makes Rachel's entire brain kind of malfunction, not unlike the one time she accidentally spilled coffee on her laptop and watched it spark and fizzle before shutting off entirely.
It was a slow death, painful and full of electricity, and sometimes Rachel finds herself wondering if she or Quinn is the coffee or the laptop.
.
They have two classes together, but Quinn doesn't even acknowledge Rachel until Mrs. Curtis, their AP US History teacher, randomly partners them for projects dealing with the colonies.
Quinn sighs and Rachel slowly makes her way through the desks to sit next to Quinn.
They have Virginia, and Quinn says, "I suppose we should get this over with as quickly as possible."
Rachel nods, tucks a strand of streaked blue hair behind her ear, swallows.
Quinn rolls her eyes. "I have cheer practice tonight until 6:30, but then you could come over after that."
"Okay," Rachel says.
Quinn writes down her address and then turns around to talk to someone else, and Rachel just watches her. There's a large bruise on Quinn's right hip that Rachel can see when she shifts in her seat and the pleats of her skirt part.
Rachel figures it's from falling at practice, but she still hates to see Quinn's perfect skin marred by anything, regardless of the cause.
.
Rachel eats lunch that day at a table by herself before a boy in flashy gold pants comes and sits down across from her.
"You're new here," he says, his voice slightly lower than hers and excited.
"Yes," Rachel says.
"Do you sing, by any chance?"
Rachel glances over in the direction of Quinn and her group of friends, eating at one of the choice tables. Quinn looks bored, and a blond-haired boy is holding her hand and chattering away.
"Why do you ask?"
The boy smiles, then, and sticks out his hand. "I'm Kurt Hummel," he says.
"Rachel Berry," she introduces with a shy smile.
...
two. her eyes were see through, tell me your secrets tonight
.
Rachel knocks four times at 7:02, then rings the doorbell again.
She's about to turn away when Quinn yanks open the door. "Jesus, Berry. I was just upstairs."
"Sorry," Rachel says, quietly and sincerely, and Quinn sighs, motioning for Rachel to come in.
Quinn is wearing a pair of pretty skinny jeans and a soft green sweater, ballet flats. Her hair is still a little wet from what Rachel assumes was an after-practice shower, and it's curling loosely as it dries.
And then Quinn limps a little as she walks up the stairs, and by the time they're in the hallway leading to what Rachel assumes is her room, Rachel can't help but asking, "Are you okay?"
Quinn turns around. "Fine. Why?"
Rachel shrugs. "You're limping."
"Oh," Quinn says. "I fell during practice. The stunts we're doing are insane," she says.
Rachel nods and tentatively grasps at Quinn's hand. Quinn doesn't yank away—although her face shifts into something sad and desperate and maybe a little hopeful—until she takes a deep breath.
Rachel feels their fingers lace together, intertwine, and then Quinn looks down at their alternating skin before leading them into her room.
They hold hands the entire evening—when Quinn isn't typing their powerpoint slides and Rachel isn't flipping through their textbook—and it makes Rachel giddy.
Soon, it's 10:04, and Rachel says, "I should be getting home."
Rachel stands and helps Quinn up, and they walk down to the front door. Quinn's mother is in the living room, a glass of scotch in her hands, and Quinn stiffens as Rachel moves to hug her, stepping back.
"We can work more on Thursday," Quinn says hurriedly. "Thanks for helping me and everything."
Rachel nods and tries not to remember the sputtering life of her laptop as Quinn waves formally. Rachel stands on the porch for a few seconds, then starts walking towards her car.
She tries not to cry as she closes the door and drives home.
.
At school, Quinn doesn't acknowledge Rachel at all. Quinn walks around with (Kurt's walked Rachel through their names) Santana and Brittany or more friends. Or she's with Sam, the boy with blond hair. Sometimes Rachel sees them kissing. Quinn looks hesitant and restrained and maybe even a little resigned every time.
When Rachel tells Kurt this on Wednesday afternoon after Glee Club, he sighs. "Rachel," he says. "Do you know how hard being openly gay in high school is?"
Rachel swallows. "Yes," she says.
Kurt's eyes get a fraction bigger and then he lets out a deep breath and takes Rachel's hand. "It'll be okay," he says. Then Kurt starts telling Rachel more about Quinn—big things, like she had a child the year before; little things, too, like that she loved bacon—and Rachel understands that his reassurance is a promise to all three of them. She desperately wants to believe him.
.
On Thursday morning, Quinn looks exhausted. Rachel sits next to her in AP US History and says, "If you want to get together at my house tonight, it's—I mean, since we used yours last time and—"
"—Sure, Rachel," Quinn snaps, then groans and presses her fingers to her temples. "Sorry," she says. "That sounds perfect."
.
Quinn gets to Rachel's house fifteen minutes late, in grey WMHS sweatpants and a t-shirt. Her face is drawn.
Rachel ushers her inside and fights back the urge to hug her. "Are you hungry? We had tilapia for dinner, but there's leftover pizza from yesterday—"
Rachel's dads laugh from their relaxed positions at the dinner table. "Rachel, honey," Hiram says, "Just stop at the first question."
Rachel rolls her eyes but calms down quickly. "Quinn, these are my dads, Hiram and Leroy Berry. Dads, this is Quinn."
"Hello, Quinn," Hiram says.
"Nice to meet you," Leroy says.
Quinn smiles politely. "You as well. Thanks for letting me come over."
"Anytime, honey," Hiram says. "We're glad Rachel's been making some friends—"
"—So, Quinn." Rachel clears her throat. "Do you want anything to eat or shall we just—"
Quinn laughs. "I think I'm good for now."
They go up the stairs to Rachel's room and then Quinn sits down on the bed tiredly.
"Was practice hard today?" Rachel asks, getting out her textbook and (new) laptop.
Quinn shrugs.
Rachel decides to let it go, and she and Quinn work on the finishing touches of their project until 9:27, when Quinn's head starts to loll forward.
They're already sort of sprawled out on the bed, so when Quinn leans into Rachel's side, Rachel smiles. "Quinn," she whispers, shaking Quinn's shoulder gently. Quinn's sleepy eyes open and Rachel asks, "Do you want to stay here tonight?"
Quinn nods groggily.
"Should I call your mom?"
"She won't care," Quinn says, and it's then that Rachel's heart breaks. Quinn almost immediately falls back asleep, so Rachel quietly gets up and carefully clears off the bed, turns off the light, then climbs in next to Quinn. Quinn immediately curls up against Rachel, her arms circling Rachel's chest, and—honestly—it's the first time since almost two years ago that Rachel hasn't cried herself to sleep.
She thinks the same is probably true for Quinn, too.
...
three. but in your eyes, i feel the weight of the world
.
The fourth time they hang out after school is on a Friday evening. Quinn is in a pretty blue dress and Rachel manages to put on less-than-normal eyeliner.
They go to a movie, and then to a little cafe, where they get coffee and share a piece of pie. Quinn tells Rachel all about the director and gushes about the screenplay, and Rachel says, "You really like this stuff, huh?"
Quinn shrugs. "I'll never really be good enough to do anything about it—"
Rachel shakes her head, takes Quinn's hand. "You're smart."
Quinn looks down. "I had a kid last year. Did you know that?"
"Kurt told me."
Quinn closes her eyes.
Rachel squeezes Quinn's hand. "I will never judge you. No matter what."
Quinn opens her eyes and Rachel nods. "Thank you," Quinn says, and, to Rachel, the cross around Quinn's neck looks different now.
.
The seventh time they hang out is at Quinn's house on a Saturday night. Her mom is out of town and—Rachel has learned from observation or Kurt—Quinn's dad got kicked out last year.
It's at 2:54 in the morning that they finish their final film, although they'd both been sleeping on and off through most of them.
Rachel rakes her hand through Quinn's soft hair and then Quinn mumbles, "Sometimes I'm just so sad."
In the moonlight, her features are pained. True. Beautiful. Rachel says, "You can get better, Quinn."
Quinn presses her eyes shut and Rachel sees tears glisten on her cheeks. Rachel thinks of Quinn's bruises and Quinn's limp and then Rachel says, "Are you hurting yourself?"
Quinn swallows and then nods.
Rachel hugs Quinn tighter to her, and Quinn's sobbing so Rachel doesn't ask why. She waits for the morning, and it's enough to know that for now, Quinn is safe.
.
Rachel discovers at Quinn's breakfast table the next morning that a messy Quinn is her favourite version, because she's cute. Quinn's hair is slightly tangled and bumpy, and she rubs her eyes a few times over her coffee.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Rachel asks.
Quinn bites her lip. "It's—it's a lot."
"That's okay."
And then Quinn says, "I think I need to see someone. Santana keeps trying to get me to go because she knows everything and I just—"
Rachel scoots closer to Quinn and says, "Asking for help doesn't mean you're not strong or anything like that. You understand that, right?"
Quinn takes a deep breath and then lets it out slowly. "Yeah."
"Okay then," Rachel says.
Quinn nods. "Okay."
.
Santana tugs Rachel into an empty classroom as Rachel tries to make it to fourth period on time.
Before Rachel can say anything—she's afraid—Santana says, "I just want to thank you, okay?"
"You couldn't do that in public?" Rachel says, taking a step back and straightening the sleeve of her blouse.
Santana rolls her eyes. "Of course not. But Quinn saw a therapist yesterday and I've tried for, like, a year to get her to go, and you know she's stubborn, so—"
"—You're rambling," Rachel says, then can't help but smile.
Santana kicks at the foot of a desk lightly. "I just love her, so, yeah. Thanks."
"You're welcome," Rachel says.
Santana starts to walk towards the door.
Rachel says, "I love her too."
Santana turns around. "In case you're wondering, Quinn and I could never date, despite how hot we both are. We'd kill each other." She smiles. "Good luck."
...
four. you are all i see
.
In November, Quinn sits solemnly on Rachel's bed and says, "I need to tell you some things."
Rachel nods and then stays quiet for the better part of thirty minutes, as Quinn stares at the floor and tells Rachel everything.
About how her father had hurt her when she was little—Rachel almost cries when the image of a tiny, young Quinn pops into her head, terrified and injured. About how her alcoholic mother had ignored everything, about how her sister had left as soon as she could. About Puck and Finn and getting kicked out of her house. About how she felt after she gave Beth—Rachel pictures a perfect baby girl—up for adoption. Quinn shows Rachel three scars on her stomach from where she'd cut herself, but there are no more, only almost-gone bruises.
And then Quinn sniffles and wipes her cheeks and says, "And I'm gay."
Rachel waits two heartbeats and says, "Me too."
Quinn's smile is tiny, but it's there, and then she says, "I've wanted to do this for a long time," before bringing her lips to Rachel's.
Rachel doesn't hesitate to kiss her back.
.
Quinn comes to Glee Club for the first time after they kiss, and she even manages to drag Santana and Brittany—who have surprisingly good voices—with her.
They have fun, dancing and singing together, and laughing too, and Rachel thinks again of friends.
.
Quinn quits the Cheerios. She comes over to Rachel's house after it happens—because apparently their coach was going to shoot Brittany out of a cannon—and cries a little, but then she stretches out on Rachel's bed and says, "At least I'll get to wear real clothes again."
Rachel pouts before she can stop it, and then Quinn laughs.
"What? I kind of liked your uniform."
Quinn sits up and Rachel feels gentle fingers weaving through the hair at the base of her skull. "I kind of like you," Quinn says, and Rachel doesn't hesitate to kiss her first this time.
.
One day after school in December while she and Quinn are sitting out on a bench at a park by Quinn's house, Rachel says, "I hurt myself too. Once."
Quinn's face falls and she squeezes Rachel's hand.
"Sophomore year, people were—the bullying was really bad and I just—it was a lot of pills but they pumped my stomach and—that's why we moved."
"Rachel—"
Rachel shakes her head. "It's why I met you."
Rachel feels Quinn's lips and Quinn's tears and hears the silent I love yousas if they were screamed in her ear. They're the truest words she knows.
.
Quinn gives Rachel a short story for Christmas. Rachel writes Quinn a song.
They're expensive presents, really, because Rachel knows she can never buy back a part of herself.
She doesn't think she'll ever want to though, and that's a sustaining notion.
.
They share a New Years kiss in front of Rachel's dads, who cheer even louder and then quickly make a rule about open-doored sleepovers.
Quinn laughs and laughs, and when Rachel falls asleep that night, the sound looks like fireworks.
...
five. stars were shining and so were our souls
.
In Glee Club when they come back from winter break, Rachel sings "Before You Go" by Ok Sweetheart as her first (real) solo. It's to Quinn, even though Rachel doesn't announce it or anything.
Santana scoffs but even she ends up crying, and then Quinn sniffles and walks to where Rachel's standing in the middle of the choir room as everyone else stands and claps.
Quinn takes Rachel's hand and nods. Rachel smiles. They kiss softly, chastely, and then Quinn turns to everyone and says, "Rachel and I are seeing one another," and then goes to sit down.
There's a beat of silence, but then there's more cheering—most prominently from Brittany and Puck—and Quinn just squeezes Rachel's hand.
.
Rachel almost can't breathe when she sees Quinn the following Monday morning in homeroom. Quinn has on riding boots and a skirt and a sweater, and a pretty peacoat is draped over her shoulder, and those things—and just Quinn—are usually enough to cause Rachel to be distracted for the majority of class.
But today Quinn's hair is short, falling just past her jaw, and then Quinn nervously sits by Rachel.
"This isn't fair," Rachel says, looking down at her own heavy black Doc Martins and fishnets. The streaks in her hair this month are a bright red.
"Do you not like it? I mean, I though a change might be good but it'll grow back—"
"—Quinn," Rachel says. "It's not fair because you're too attractive to just have to sit by in class. And now—" Rachel groans when Quinn smiles— "just, you have to stop."
Quinn laughs and Santana rolls her eyes and slides her chair between them. "Q, go sit with Britt today. We don't want Rachel orgasming in the middle of role call."
"Santana," Quinn admonishes, but she moves anyway.
"She'll never tell you think, but the whole punk thing has been a fetish of hers forever," Santana says, and Rachel closes her eyes and spends the rest of the period really trying not to picture that.
.
Rachel notices that Quinn doesn't have the cross on, one day in February.
"Quinn," Rachel says. "You don't have to give anything up."
Quinn's wearing the cross again the next day, but her kisses feel just the same as always, sweet and sometimes daring.
But today they're also gentle, and thankful, and Rachel understands what they mean.
She touches the cross once afterward with gentle fingers. It doesn't burn at all.
.
Their first time is in March. It's spring. They compare scars and whisper I love you into oblivion.
Afterward Rachel thinks of her ruined laptop and the spilled coffee, and she runs her hand gently along the thin raised red lines along Quinn's stomach, which makes Quinn shiver and goosebumps appear on her skin.
She decides that they're not the computer or the drink, because they're not broken and they won't ruin each other.
Rachel also decides that they don't really exist in metaphors, because they're real and they're here.
"I'm very glad we're alive right now," Quinn says.
For a million reasons, Rachel tells her, "Me too."
references. (all tracks from active child.)
.
title. "i'm in your church at night"
quote. "take shelter"
one. "hanging on"
two. "see thru eyes"
three. "weight of the world"
four. "you are all i see"
five. "i'm in your church at night"