Shades of Grey
Disclaimer: Do not own p4.
It's not that Chie doesn't like Yukiko, because she does. She likes her a lot. Hell, she's the first in Satonaka Chie's Most Important Things in Life (ranking above steak and Way of the Dragon) list. They're best friends, right? Or were. Because last night every assumption she had about their relationship was shot to hell when Yukiko...
She's not sure what they are right now. She doesn't want to remember it. But Souji once said – when Chie told him how much her Shadow troubled her – that you can't escape the truth by feigning amnesia. She thought it was a strange way to put it, but now she realizes the truth behind his words. So she's not going to do that. She is not going feign amnesia when she sees Yukiko at school tomorrow. Yukiko deserves better than that.
It's entirely her fault, she won't deny it. She should have noticed the tell-tale signs. The furtive glances Yukiko cast her; her uneasiness when they shared a tent at the excursion; how Yukiko always heals her first in fights; her way of avoiding Chie the last few days. Or the expensive track jacket – the one she has always worn since – Yukiko bought her for Valentine's Day. She knew Yukiko had saved and scrimped for that, but Chie didn't even care because holy crap it's the one I always wanted thanks Yukiko, love ya! she was too ecstatic to even care. Didn't even reciprocate when White Day came. It hurts when she thinks of it now, when she thinks about how Yukiko must have felt. She should have known. But it's no secret she's a blockhead. Yosuke was right when he said that her head only has fighting and steak inside its empty space. She wishes she didn't galactic punt him then, because it's the truth, and she's too dumb to even realize she's dumb.
So she's going to talk to Yukiko tomorrow. She'll say she's sorry, and explain things, and then they'll smile at each other with rainbows in the background, maybe share their lunch, and remain BFF's for life, right?
...yeah right. Even Chie's optimism doesn't extend that far. Even if the BFF's for life part doesn't happen, she just hopes they will at least remain friends. Chie can live with that. It's better to be friends, than to be none at all.
The periods came and went, but Yukiko never looks at her. Instead she remains hunched over her desk, silently doing her work, with the barest hint of a forced smile offered to those insensitive enough to bother her.
"Oh come on, Amagi, I went through all the trouble and you won't even look at me?" the idiot says, standing over Yukiko's desk like he owns the damn place. Smug jerk. "At least make me look good in front of my friends yeah? Just one date, please?"
Chie can't stand it anymore. She slams her desk and stands up, staring at the boy fully in the eye. "Are you deaf? She. Doesn't. Want. To. Leave her alone or I'll break your arm, yeah?"
"Fucking dyke," the boy mutters, trying to look cool by slinking away with his hands in his pockets and all, but failing and looks only like a pathetic coward. Chie's satisfied. Idiot's not going to attempt the Amagi Challenge again. Ever.
But her satisfaction doesn't last long, because Yukiko still won't look at her. There was a halfhearted mumble of thanks, but that's it. Chie wants to shake her shoulders and tell her to look at me damnit! but it's her fault and she can't. She can't.
So she spends lunch staring at her desk, because Yosuke and Souji is together at the rooftop, and there's no one else she knows in the class.
When the third day rolls by, Chie has had enough. Yukiko deserves better than a halfhearted denial, but what does Chie deserve? Certainly she also deserves better than the constant silence; the averted gaze; the stupid fake smile. Even Yosuke and Souji are starting to worry, judging from the questions directed at Chie. Do you know anything about it? What's wrong with Amagi? Is Yukiko-san alright? Did she eat something weird? and so on. There's nothing Chie can do but shrug. Because she knows all too well what's wrong with Yukiko, and she's not sure if Yukiko will appreciate... that... circulating around.
So she's going to end it today. All or nothing. She will either live forever in Yukiko's silence – watching helplessly as their friendship drifts apart, or she will confront Yukiko, get emotional, maybe cry a little, and force all the things unsaid out of of their chests. And then it'll end up with an all climatic hug between best friends.
So. Saturday noon. Yukiko always goes around to buy supplies for the inn like a clockwork. If she just waits at this place, then in another five seconds... three. Two. One-
Chie ambushes Yukiko as she turns towards the bend leading to the central shopping district. "BOO!" she shouts, then immediately thinks: what the hell. Out of all the things she could have said
(oh hi fancy meeting ya here I didn't know oh sorry you doing shopping hey that bag looks heavy lemme carry those for ya)
she chose 'boo'? 'Boo' as in, I'm trying to make sure you're going to die young from cardiac arrest; y'know, just in case. Tee-hee-hee. Stupid stupid stupid.
Luckily, Yukiko isn't of such a frail constitution, thus she merely stares at Chie blankly, stares, and... and turns jerkily and walks back towards the direction she came from. Or tries to, at least. Because Chie, with her conditioned reflex, has managed to grab the neck of Yukiko's vest before she could even take a step.
Oh god, Yukiko'll be mad because I'm stretching her favourite vest, Chie thinks for one odd moment. It must have been a strange sight: her grabbing Yukiko and Yukiko facing away from her. She wonders if she looks like a sex offender, because Yukiko is so frail and delicate, and Chie's so... so strong and so. Well, tomboyish.
"Um, Yukiko?" Chie says cautiously, slowly releasing her death grip. "Sorry, I didn't mean to stretch it- wait, that's not important. I mean, can we have a talk?"
She's almost afraid that Yukiko is going to run away, because Chie knows Yukiko would rather smile and pretend she's happy than to even slightly cause inconvenience to anyone else. She also knows that however perfect someone is, there's always something hidden deep inside them: the repressed side. She's come to terms with it, like how she came to term with her Shadow, and she doesn't let her jealousy of Yukiko's beauty bother her anymore. It's only natural to feel jealous, after all.
But Yukiko. There's something... something Chie can't quite catch about her. It's as if she had accepted her Shadow, but only because. Like the words came out of her mouth, but the inside was just hollow. But maybe Chie thinks too much. Because it's Yukiko, and Yukiko would never. Never what? Keep secrets from her? Because she just did
(and for how long)
until five days ago, alright?
Chie is afraid, afraid Yukiko might run away again from her. Because she likes Yukiko, and she's going to try her best to help her. But she just doesn't like her in that way. Oh god, her thoughts are so messed up. She wants the steak skewers from Souzai Daigaku and maybe a bottle of sedatives for the imminent headache.
She decides to make a grab for Yukiko's elbow – and nearly reaches it, but then Yukiko turns around and says: "you stretched it."
Chie immediately retracts her outstretched hand. "Err... I did? Sorry, I'll make it up by buying you a new one, 'kay? Wait, why are we talking about clothes?"
Yukiko laughs at this, and Chie is beginning to see her old friend emerge. "Oh Chie," Yukiko says, looking as if she's trying hard to suppress a maniacal giggle. "It's so typical of you to be so easily sidetracked."
"Oh well, it's one of my advantages: being the blockhead of the group," Chie smiles wryly, hand on the back of her head.
"No. You're just being Chie. And that's everything that counts."
"Yukiko..."
"And I think," Yukiko says without so much as a dramatic buildup, "there's something you want to talk about?"
Chie hates it when Yukiko is an emotionally blank slate like this. She's used to knowing what her best friend (or was; but she won't let that happen) feels – but times like this, when there's no tell-tale sign of the storm beneath her demure countenance, then that's when it spells trouble. Last time it happened, they ended up fighting a huge bird with Yukiko's face, after all. So. "You've been avoiding me."
"No I'm not. I'm just exhausted from helping mother with the accounting." Chie stares at her. Yukiko stares back. Then drops her gaze and shuffles on her feet. She sighs and says with resignation: "fine. I was. But you know why, Chie."
"Because you're embarrassed."
"That's one way to put it mildly."
Chie is suddenly angry. "So you've been avoiding me for three days, just because you're embarrassed? You ran away from us just because you're-"
"Ran away?" Yukiko says it with so much venom Chie is taken aback. "You're the one who ran, Chie. Without so much as a word. Do you know how it feels to have your friend so disgusted by you she bolted away?"
"Bolted- I-" she wants to say she didn't. But she did. Left Yukiko at the riverbank and never so much as looked back. "I did. I'm sorry, Yukiko. But it's just so sudden, and I... I'm not. Not."
"A lesbian?"
"Ready. We could-"
"Don't, Chie. Don't. If you say that, it will just delude me into thinking there's hope. For me. For us." And Yukiko gives such a sad, sad smile it's almost painful to look at her. "I'm okay. I really am. So please stop beating yourself. It's not your fault, Chie; it's not our fault for feeling the way we do."
There's nothing else. Chie wants to talk more; ask more; just keep the conversation going. But the window is closed. And maybe there's nothing left unsaid. So Chie takes Yukiko's hand in her own and looks into her eyes – forcing her lips up into an awkward smile. "Hey," she says, "we'll always be friends, right? BFF's forever."
"Yes. Friends. Forever."
And then Chie moves in and hugs her.
Rise corners her after the next session of TV delving.
"Yukiko-sempai. Is there anything you want to tell me?" Rise says, and Yukiko thinks she could have chosen a better place for this. Somewhere not inside the TV, for example.
They're the only remaining people in the TV – thanks to Rise's glare when Yosuke suggested they should get it on and upload it on Youtube. Chie, of course, lingered for a moment, looking at Yukiko with concern, but finally relented when Rise shooed her out.
If only Rise isn't standing in front of the exit – because no matter how much shorter the other girl is, Yukiko can't bring herself to try to overpower her. It's just not ethical. "There's nothing," Yukiko says finally, discreetly trying to find a crack in Rise's defense.
"I know there's something going on. Admit it, sempai." Now Rise's hands are on her hips.
"No there isn't," Yukiko says to her fan.
"Yes there is."
"No there's not."
"Yes there- oh, I feel like I'm back at kindergarten again."
Don't worry, Yukiko feels the exact same thing. If only Rise isn't so persistent. Or so blunt. "There's really nothing, Kujikawa-san." Yukiko gives her her best approximation of a I'm-so-happy-and-the-world-is-all-rainbows smile. "Really."
It must have worked, because Rise sighs and moves away from the exit. "If you says so."
"Thank you," Yukiko says, and immediately clambers into the TV, just in case Rise changes her mind and drags her back by the legs. But she can't shake the feeling that Rise is still staring at her, all the way until they leave Junes. Just her imagination.
Yukiko has just arrived from Tatsumi Textiles when her mother confronts her at the entrance.
"Oh, Yukiko, I never thought you have such a nice friend," her mother says, positively beaming. "You've only ever brought Chie-chan here, so I thought you don't have any other friends. Besides, you were such a quiet child... And she's so different from her image, too. Mother's so proud of you."
"Um. I don't understand. Friend?"
Her mothers slaps her fondly on the back. "Oh you, hiding such things from me- here she is!"
Yukiko looks behind her mother... and almost drops the rolls of fabric she's holding. Rise is there, her head poking from behind the door leading to the living room. Then the rest of her body follows.
Rise waves enthusiastically. "Yukiko-sempai! You're just in time. Aunt and I were just finishing tea, y'know."
"Kujikawa-san what-"
"Oh hey, that looks heavy, let me carry half of those." Rise pries it from Yukiko's clutch and immediately sets off towards the general direction of her room.
Yukiko, however, is still reeling from shock. How did. What. Why is she- and finds herself being pushed forward by her mother.
"Oh now Yukiko, don't be rude. Take the evening off and go play with your friend."
Yukiko wants to say that no one uses the word 'play' anymore after sixth grade, but she relents and trudges forward with a sigh. The day is just getting worse and worse.
Continued
Note: written for a badbadbathhouse prompt a few months ago. I haven't yet quite finished (cause rewrite. And oh, general plot things) and livejournal's 4000 character limit is getting annoying, this fic is getting long, so I thought I'd just post it where I don't have to divide each chapter into a dozen posts.