CATH AND ETHEL
(Another Au where Cal's alive and Ethan doesn't have Huntington's. This time a bit more light-hearted. When Cal and Ethan manage to insult a woman with hidden powers, they find themselves changed. Will they learn from their experience or be doomed to live out their whole lives in alien bodies? T/W warning: Sexist comments, dark magic, and a couple of mentions of nausea.)
Cal knew it would be a bad day when he saw the clock and realised the alarm hadn't gone off. On further investigation he knew the reason – he'd been too drunk to set it in the first place. It had been an excellent party, despite it being on a Sunday night, and both he and Ethan had enjoyed themselves. The trouble was that Cal was easier at recovering from a good night out than his brother was.
"Cal" Ethan sounded like a five-year-old instead of a responsible doctor, "I've been sick. Again."
"Sit and put your head back for a bit. Does your head still hurt as much?"
"No."
"You might be lucky and be at the recovery stage by now, then. Do you want some black coffee and dry toast?"
"We're late already."
"I've texted Mrs Beauchamp and told her we've been delayed. Now do you want some-?"
Ethan suddenly realised with a faint grin that coffee and dry toast actually sounded good.
The shopping area had never been so busy before, or at least it looked that way to Cal as he sat at the Zebra crossing, willing the lights to change. But one middle-aged lady was shuffling across, almost as if she was trying to goad the drivers.
"Come on, come ON, you menopausal old biddy" Cal said, believing he'd spoken under his breath.
Alas, Flavia Octavia Sanford could lip-read.
Ethan would have been fine had he not let out a giggle at his brother's muttered words.
She turned towards the car just before she reached the pavement and mouthed clearly:
"You two will learn what it's like to feel as women do."
As the lights let him move forward, Cal understood what she'd mouthed. He wondered if the woman believed in reincarnation or something. But the issue now was to get into work and grovel to Mrs Beauchamp before embracing the joys of a nine-hour shift.
Cal wondered why his scrubs weren't meeting properly over his chest. He'd been a bit of a slacker about his gym sessions lately but surely that would have made him put weight on his gut first? He fastened the buttons as best he could, and checked himself in the mirror.
And bit back a scream.
The face that stared back at him had his features, his distinctive but attractive nose, the curve of his lips… but they were softened, more feminine. Was that – how the heck could it be – lipstick? And his hair… he'd seen less curls on Lofty.
He felt the scrubs pulling on him again and looked down.
He'd grown breasts. Not just man-boobs. Breasts. He had a voluptuous, statuesque figure.
Cal was afraid. Very afraid.
He groped for his mobile.
"Mrs Beauchamp? I'm so sorry; it looks as if I won't be coming in to work today. Yes I think it's a virus. Yes, I know it's inconvenient. Of course I'll make every effort to come into work tomorrow."
At least Ethan hadn't been affected…
His heart sank as Ethan, tossing his long blonde hair aside, and whimpering in disbelief, looked furtively round the door.
"Good morning, Mrs Beauchamp. The agency sent us" Cal said, his voice sounding high-pitched to his own ears, though it was actually a pleasant contralto.
"I don't remember asking for any agency staff. Oh" Connie pulled a face. Sam had probably interfered again and rung the agency.
"Well, as you're here, you're with Doctor Keogh."
"Did you see my br-er-my sister?"
"Your sister? She's been booked as well?"
Noel hurried over with Ethan in tow.
"Hello Mrs Beauchamp. This is Ethel Wright, your other agency doctor."
Cal smiled.
"And I'm doctor Cath Harvey."
Just go along with it, he thought. Surely this craziness can only last for a day?"
He was wrong.
Dylan had done a double-take, then, in typical Dylan fashion, shrugged and got on with the tasks in hand. Cal and Ethan's medical prowess hadn't been affected and they'd managed to save a small baby with a heart defect, two victims of a RTA and the inevitable pneumothorax patient among other lesser serious cases.
When lunchtime finally came they hurried to the local mini market and ate in the park where they could finally discuss their predicament.
"How long will we be like this? You don't think it'll be forever do you?"
Ethan quite enjoyed the luxury of being able to weep in public with no questions asked. It was only when his eyes began to sting and he checked his mascara – that bl**dy spell had even made up their faces for them – that he realised he had Panda eyes.
"How do I know?" Cath's response was more shrewish, "There must be some compensation for all this. It's quite nice to have men opening doors for us. Iain Dean did that earlier, and he smiled at me while he did it. He's normally in a foul mood on Mondays."
"He fancies you, then" Ethan replied, his wailing turning to a giggle.
"Oh lucky me. Do you think anybody else has noticed?"
"David Hide. But his reaction was weird, to say the least. He just looked at us and then nodded to himself."
Cal resolved to have words with David later. Maybe he knew that – that witch personally.
"If this is a dream I want to wake up now" he sighed.
"We're both having the same dream then."
"Oh shut up Ethan" grizzled Doctor Cath Harvey.
"If this lasts longer than a couple of days we'll need new clothes. Do you suppose we could get Lily to come shopping with us?"
Ethan was very fond of Doctor Chao and his heart suddenly sank as he realised that this change might mean he'd never be able to date her.
"Or Alicia."
"No; she's got a mean streak. She'd advise all the wrong things. Robyn might be useful."
"We'd need underwear too-" Cal suddenly gave a moan of self-pity.
"What?"
"For the first time in ages I'll be able to get my hands on a decent pair of breasts… and they'll just be mine, so they'll be really boring."
Ethan had to laugh.
"My office now!"
Connie glared at Cath and Ethel and shepherded them into her office. Neither of them felt brave enough to tell her that their shift had just ended.
"Doctor Knight, Doctor Hardy, what IS this nonsense? Some kind of joke? A bet, maybe? Are you doing this for charity?"
Cath blushed.
"It's too complicated to explain, Mrs Beauchamp."
"Is it now? Well, I don't like to be made a fool of, so I suggest this charade ends now! Remove your padding at once, remove that make-up and change into your normal clothes. I can't give you a verbal warning in that state."
Cal took a deep breath.
"It isn't padding, Mrs Beauchamp."
Maybe it was stress after a long day. Maybe it was rage that, while the other staff were battling to save lives, Knight and Hardy were playing some fool joke on her.
At any rate, Connie took action. She put her hands inside Cal's T shirt and pulled hard, expecting the padding to come away in her hand.
Instead, Cal screamed in what could only be described as genuine pain.
"My God…"
Connie's colouring turned ashen, and she walked unsteadily out of her office while Cal hugged his sore chest and Ethan succumbed to hysterical laughter.