A/N: I own absolutely nothing, not the characters nor the song this was inspired by. I'm not completely happy with this but due to an illness I lack the energy to give it the revisions it deserves. I plan on coming back and making changes sometime in the future when I have the energy for it. In any case I strongly suggest that you all go listen to the song "Dreaming with a Broken Heart" by John Mayer, the lyrics of which are partially included in this.
With Roses in My Hand
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment, you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No, she's not, 'cause she's gone
Gone, gone, gone, gone.
She's never there in the morning. Not once. Sometimes it makes him wonder if she was ever there to being with. He thinks there's no way he could dream up something as real as his memories of Olivia's skin but some mornings he isn't so sure.
He can't remember the last time they spoke. Had a real conversation. It's all "mhm" and nods between them now. Even if he has her in his bed more nights than he ever could have hoped for, Elliot feels farther from her than ever before. Even miles apart hadn't given them this distance.
He wakes up some mornings wishing she would never come to his bed again because maybe they could go back to what they had once upon a time. He'd give up anything to close this gap between them. Elliot would rather have her in his life than his bed. He isn't sure if she would agree.
He wakes up as early as he naturally can each morning in the hopes that he'll catch her before she leaves. He isn't sure if he wants to see her to make her stay or just to confirm to his desolate mind that she was even there to begin with.
Some mornings he is sure that she was never there. That his mind, which has been admittedly degrading over time, has lost what thread of sanity it was clinging to and he dreamed the whole thing up. He isn't sure which is worse, to find out that all their nights together never happened or to realize the numbers of times she has left him.
The morning after the first time he nearly chokes when he sees her at work. She's already in and busy when he gets there and it makes him wonder how long ago she arrived. She looks just as tired and empty as any other day and he doesn't know how to handle it. Doesn't she realize that the entire Earth has shifted on its axis? That nothing can ever, ever be the same? It makes Elliot wonder when the last time Olivia felt raw emotion was. She seems so closed off now to everything. Unreachable. He thinks they'll all be that way one day. After too many nights and days and years and lives destroyed, you can't help but close off to the world. He sees the closed walls in himself when he looks in the mirror. He tries not to look too often.
He wonders how many times she leaves him in the morning. Elliot can't imagine going to sleep without her but he can't fathom what it's like to wake with her. He knows that she'll be the one to break it off. He would end it if it meant he got her in another part of his life but from the way things are going, he's lucky she knows his name. So he won't end it. He's too afraid to remove her from the last piece of his life she is in. Sure, they work together but in the end, that amounts to nothing more than a nod over paperwork.
Elliot's far too old for wishes. He knows this. Has accepted it as true for years, but sometimes when he goes to sleep he wishes as hard as his empty heart knows how that Olivia will be there in the morning. It never happens.
He asked her about it once. Just once. It was just before they fell asleep one night. He had he pressed up against him tightly, in the hopes that she wouldn't be able to escape as he lean to her ear and whispered, "Will you be here in the morning?
"No" The answer was quiet but clear and definitive and that was that. He wishes he could ask her more questions about it but it feels like it was enough just to get that answer.
The last time Elliot wakes up alone it's raining. He feels like he knows nothing else but rain. Grey, emptiness and rain, it's all his life consists of anymore. Empty conversations, empty hearts and empty beds. She is long gone and he wishes he could be angry about it. Wishes he still had the energy for anger. He gets up, dresses and goes to work. It's like every other day he has ever lived. Olivia's at her desk drinking a hot mug of something. He barely feels temperatures anymore.
He knows without a doubt that she'll be over tonight, she usually is. He decides that maybe tomorrow will finally be the morning she stays. He wonders how long he can keep deluding himself.
He looks at her for a moment and eventually her eyes stray up to meet his.
"You'll stay tonight." Elliot doesn't know where the words came from but now that they're out, he doesn't want to take them back.
She looks confused and exhausted. "What?"
"You will stay tonight because if I have to wake up along again it might just kill me." Elliot doesn't care that they are at work, that colleagues are milling about within earshot. All he knows is that now that he's finally expressing this, it's all bubbling to the surface.
Olivia sighs and is silent.
Elliot isn't sure what that means but the Catholic part of him is praying that maybe, just maybe he can still find it in him to have hope.
And do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with rose in my
Roses in my hand?
And would you get them if I did?
No, you won't 'cause you're gone
Gone, gone, gone, gone.