Bella Takes Control!
Anti-Twilight Fan-Fiction – in a fun script!
Edward:Bella, please listen to me. It's for your own safety.
Bella:Why do you always have to say that?
Edward:Say what?
Bella:That whatever you do is for my own safety. It makes me sound so weak.
Edward:But you are…
Bella:Oh yeah?
Edward:Look, Bella, you might not like it, but I'm the only person who can protect you against Victoria and the other evil vampires.
Bella:What makes you think that I'm going to put myself in close proximity to any evil vampires?
Edward:Well, no offence, but it's kind of what you do.
Bella:Hmm…
Edward:Look, this is the way it's going to be. I have to tell you that we can't be together, then you collapse in floods of tears and say that I'm your prince and you'll do anything to be with me. Then we make a baby.
Bella:What is that saying about girls?
Edward:I'm not really sure; I didn't create this masochistic stereotype.
Bella:I'm sorry Edward – we can't be together.
Edward:Why not? What have I done? Don't you have insane cravings for me any more?
Bella:No, sorry, and I never did have. I was just playing along, making like the typical dumb clumsy Mary-Sue girlfriend so that all those teenage girls out there could project themselves onto my silhouette.
Edward:Why quit now? We can carry on pretending if that's what you want.
Bella:I've seen what the crazed masochistic culture of this book and movie has done to the minds of all those poor teenage girls out there. I have seen them, in their "Team Edward" shirts and their "Cullen Crest" jewelry. I have been on the sharp end of the "Lion & Lamb" keychain, and boy is it pointy.
Edward:I can't win with you, can I?
Bella:All I want is a personality of my own. Is that so much to ask?