~ *Mistake* ~
- Phil, i was joking. You know it. You saw me smiling and laughing after i said you to fuck off in my last video. - I said crosing my arms on my chest.
- o yeah. You were fucking laughing about saying these things to me. You thought it was funny? It was not! - Phil said in new anger.
- Phil,come on. Don't be such a baby! - i start to get angry.
- oh now i am the baby one?! - Phil stand up.
- Yes! You! You act like baby! I say something and you go and cry in the corner getting mad at me about saying something! - i screemed in his face.
Phil slaped me. Hard.
-what the fuck,Phil!? - i screemed holding hand against hurting cheek.
- i am not a fucking baby! Only one who is acting childish is you! You can't even admit that we are dating for years! For years, Dan! And can't even admit it to your family not talking about our audience! - Phil said sounding little calmer in the end.
- i am admiting it! - i said back.
- no you are not! You are my boyfriend only insde these walls. Outside you act like just another friend! - Phil said little tired and hurt.
- not true! - i tried to argue - you don't act like my boyfriend outside this house too. -
- oh, now you will turn that it's my fault? - Phil said in tired tone.
- why should i act in some way if you don't act like that? And you don't even act like best friend outside. - i wasn't going to lose this argument.
- because you fucking flirt with other! - Phil screemed in my face - you act like i am nothing to you! You are walking around flirting and i can't even show that i am jealous cuz it would be too weird! But i can't fucking stand you flirting with others! I can't! Don't you understand that you are hurting me!? - Phil was on edge of tears.
- that's not true! - i said.
- stop it, Dan. Just stop it. - Phil said in really tired voice - i am tired of it all. I am tired of pretending. I am tired, Dan. I can't do it anymore. - Phils eyes start to full with tears.
- what...? - i asked confused.
- just pack your stuffs and move out. I can't do this anymore. Not like this. - Phil said going out of the room.
- what the fuck do you mean!? Are you breaking up with me? - i asked really angry.
Phil was silent for moment but than he said simple words that killed me.
-yes. I want you to get out of my flat till tomorows night. - Phil walked into his room and close the door.
I heard him locking them.
I stand there looking where he went.
And i couldn't believe it.
He just broke up with me.
How...?
I...
What the hell?
I sit down and look at the wall.
I felt numb.
The most important person in my life just trow me away like trash i was.
I sit there without understanding what to do. How to act.
Did he really mean it?
Did he really want me to move out?
But wasn't this our flat not just his?
But looking on that he paid for it,it counts as his.
Ugh.
What i am supose to do now?
Where i will live?
And what i will do without my Phil?
I feel big breakdown coming on me.
I cried and trowed stuffs against walls.
I felt so angry and so empty.
I felt like dieing animal.
I lay on the floor between shatered glass and stuffs.
I kept my eyes closed.
They burn from tears.
Anger start to win against sadness.
And after couple minutes i was just angry.
I stand up and start packing my stuffs.
-i don't need him to live. I can live on my own. Yes. I will prove it to him. - i gather all my stuffs in bags and boxes.
I didn't care about him.
-GO FUCK YOURSELF, YOU DICK! - i screemed slaming my bedroom door after that.
I sit down to my laptop.
I need to calm down.
And that's how i end up making livestream.
These "fans" made me feel little better in this situation till one moment when of course they need to bring Phil into this.
-where is your wirrow painting?- on fan asked.
- you could say that i'm relocating it... you could say - i answered fast changing topic.
Little latter they keep bringing Phil in.
-we don't tall - i blurt out fast.
I didn't know if even someone catch that but whatev. I said that.
-i wanted to say that if it look like i am having breakdown than i am having breakdown only for about 80% so don't worry - i said in the end with thanking them and so on.
I end livestream feeling a little better. But not completly.
I sit on windowsill looking outside.
-It is so sad to look how fast it all goes.
They run and drive without looking around.
But what if one day it all will change and they won't get chance to look at the same things again? - i thought in my head.
I don't know if i feel broken or sad.
I don't know how i am feeling right now.
Only thing i know is that Phil hate me just as everyone else.
I don't really care who hate me. The most important thing was that Phil loved me. But now, now he hate me just like everyone else.
No i have noone.
Phil saved me and now he ruined me.
Simple as that.
I give him power to do it.
And i don't regret it.
If i could turn back in time i would do it all over again.
Phil made me a better person.
He helped me.
And i fucking love him.
I love every bit of him and i can't change it.
Even if i wanted to hate him, i couldn't do it. I just love him too much.
And that fucking hurt.
And again i let tears wash my eyes making them red and puffy as always.
But it will be better for Phil not to be around me.
He will find someone better.
And they will love each other and be happy.
That someone just isn't me.
No matter how much i want it.
I stand up and qietly walk to my room stoping to Phils doors just for second.
-i love you... - i wispered befour going into my room closing doors and locking them.
I climbed into bed and huged pillow tight to my chest.
I felt cold.
And numb.
Empty.
What i will do?
How i will survive without him?
I closed my eyes and put my face into pillow letting sleep take over my tired body.
When i woke up i called some friends asking if i can stay.
I wait for them to come and get me. I didn't go out of room.
I didn't want to face Phil.
Not now.
I saw car stoping infron apartment. I take my staffs and went downstairs.
It take only two walks to put all my stuffs inside car.
Thankfully Phil wasn't awake yet so i didn't need to face him.
Ride was full of silent.
I just sit looking outside the window.
My friends apartment was small but nice.
-you can stay in this room. I need to go to work. If you need something, call me. - friend said and walked away.
I sit down and took out my computer.
Stupid Phils face pop up.
-i need to change this fucking lockscreen. - i murmured to myself.
The best way to make good mood is to film a video.
So i sit for hours making new video and than posting it.
At least i will make some peoples happy with this little thing.
I smiled to myself befour getting into bed to get little bit more sleep.
It's been one week since i moved out. Or i could say since Phil kicked me out.
And all this week i was broken crying mess.
With every day i felt more and more broken.
I and Phil haven't talked since that argument.
It was evening and i was sitting in my bedroom.
New photo poped up.
It was Phil. But not simply Phil. Phil with that one guy from club who flirted with Phil. They had their hands around each other. Both smiling and happy.
I took my phone and hit Phils number.
-did you slept with him? - i simply typed and hit send.
Withing minute his replay come.
-yes - it said. Simple as that.
Phil have already moved on.
He have slept with another guy after only week of breaking up.
What a fucking slut! -i wanted to send him but i put my phone down and just looked at the photo.
I took little black box i kept close to myself.
I opned it and look at shiny object.
-hello again my old friend. - i took out razor blade.
I let it do it's work.
After that i just lay down watching blood runing down my arm.
When i start to feel dizzy i put shirt around it.
I knew that i didn't cut too i will be okay.
I took my phone and look down at Phils name.
-be happy - i send befour passing out.
With every day i start to get worst. I didn't eat. I didn't answer my phone.
I just watch my and Phil old videos hurting myself even more.
And with every day i start to want to die even more and more.
It's been about week since i last eat anything. And my arm looked like some animal was taking a bite on it but deciding that he didn't like it so it leaves it there.
Light knock hit against my bedroom door.
-i don't wanna talk. Go away - i weakly said.
But that who was behind door didn't listen. Door opened.
I put blanket over my ruined body.
Black hair and blue eyes slowly made it'd way inside door crack.
I slowly sit up with all my streight i had left.
Phil closed the doors.
He looked little paler than befour.
With rings under his eyes.
-Dan... - Phil took in deep breath.
His eyes start to water.
Do i really look so terible that he need to cry?
-Phil... - i wisperd.
I didn't have streight to speak louder than wisper.
-baby! - Phil run to me.
He trow blanket away from my body.
He take sharp breat in looking down on me.
His eyes stoped on my arm.
He took it in his gentle hands.
-please don't... - i wisper throught tears.
- did you do this because of me? - Phil asked with tears in his eyes.
I didn't answer. I didn't need to.
Phil started to cry. But he was strong. He tried to hold it all inside.
-let it out... it help... sometimes.. - i wispered in weak voice.
Phil pulled me inside his lap. He hold me so gently.
I felt his tears in my hair.
I start to cry too making Phils shirt wet.
I start to feel really sleepy. So i closed my eyes breathing in Phils scent and start to drift into sleep.
I woke up from pains in my cut arm.
I open my eyes grooning in pain.
-shh. It need to be cleaned. - Phils soft voice said.
I rub my eyes and saw Phil putting bandages on my arm.
Tasty smell filed the room. Chicken soup. My stomach rumble a little.
-yes. I made a soup for you. And you will eat. - Phil said in strict tone helping me to sit up.
-i'm not hungry - i lied.
-tell these bullshits to others. - Phil sit next to me and start feeding me like a child.
I eat a little. I saw how happy it made Phil so i eat out all bowl of soup.
-good boy. Now i will take you home so i can take care of you.- Phil said standing up.
- what...? - i looked around seeing that all my stuffs was packed.
- we're going home. - Phil said helping me stand up.
I gram Phils arms cuz i couldn't even stand stright on my legs at first.
-shit - i murmured under my breath.
-don't swear. - Phil said with little smile on his lips.
He took me back to his apartment.
I sit down on couch looking around.
-where's your boyfriend? - i asked.
- i don't have one. - Phil said putting blanket around me.
- and where that guy you slept with when i left? - i asked.
- Dan, i haven't slept with anyone since you. And i don't want to. I lied to you just to make you jealous. - Phil said sitting infront me.
- and photos? - i asked.
- what about photos? - Phil asked back.
- do you really hang out with that dick? - i kept going.
- one time i bump into him so we took that photo. Haven't seen him since that. - Phil said putting blanket tightly around me.
- okay- i simply said.
- and we didn't kiss either. So calm down. You are my only one.- Phil said brushing his hand throught my hair.
I closed my eyes enjoying his touch and words.
Tears start to come out.
-shh. Baby... please don't cry. - Phil pulled me inside his lap.
I huged him with all my streight i had left.
-shh. I'm here. I'm with you. Now it all be okay. Maybe not right away but after some time it will be. Sh...- Phil comfort me.
After couple minutes i calmed down a bit.
I looked into Phils eyes and put my hands against his cheeks.
And i kissed him.
And Phil kiseed me back.
That was one of best feelings to feel after all this time.
-i love you so much it hurt... - i wisper throught kiss.
- i love you too my baby boy - Phil said kissing me harder.
And with that i saw the light in dark again.