Unheroic:

An insightful and thought-provoking dissertation on the societal and moral effects of divergent evolution and its resultant institutionalized socio-economic oppression.

To simplify:

Demonstrating why the wrong people shouldn't have superpowers by demonstrating the wrong people misusing said powers.

To simplify more:

When someone likes explosions, it's not good if they can cause them through sheer force of will.

Chapter 1: "The Voice in Your Head"

AKA: "Chasing Some Tail"

This sort of thing was probably straight out of most people's nightmares. Waking up on a metal table, limbs splayed out and unable to move. Lacking the ability to move all he could do was stare up at the collection of metal instruments above him. The array of steel was quite impressive, containing everything from drills to blades and massive metal needles. There was even a few more esoteric things like precision welders and plasma torches up there, all mounted on slender articulated arms.

Unfortunately, this wasn't exactly a new thing in the life of Daniel Walker.

"Lis?" he called, trying to move his head. His neck was unresponsive, so he was left trying to turn his eyes to their very limits. Managing to look more or less down at his chest, he was a bit surprised when he didn't a head of emerald hair down there. That was definitely odd, since she was usually more than happy to seize the chance for an enforced "couple's naptime" while he was out. "Yo, Lisette? Where the hell are ya?"

Again, there was no response. That was definitely odd. Even if she wasn't clinging to him like a limpet, she was always somewhere nearby. They'd gone through this at least a couple dozen times, and this'd never happened before. It was a little worrying to wake up alone, immobile and with nothing to entertain him but the red letters painted across the lenses of his glasses.

SYSTEM UPDATE 99% COMPLETE. ESTIMATED TIME REMAINING: TWO MINUTES AND EIGHTEEN SECONDS.

He was glad she'd at least remembered to put those back on. That simple message was probably all that was keeping him from freaking out. Still, there was another problem there…

Frowning at the message, he took a moment to math that shit.

"Little over four hours is a long time for a minor update, Lis," he muttered darkly. "You're still on thin ice from the last little 'experiment' you decided to do. Havin' half the neural strands in your arm burn out does not feel good, and if it happens again I'm gonna punch you with a brick."

A small screen popped up in the corner of his eye. A young woman sporting a pair of long, green braids smiled at him happily.

"Hi~ darling! This message is programmed to play when you threaten to hurt me! Well, technically it was programmed to play when you said certain combinations of 218 keywords, but it's pretty much the same thing. Getting mad at me is usually the first thing you do, even when all I wanted was some cuddles. I even kept my clothes on last time! So, I figured this was a good way to make sure you're awake before you saw this."

"Goddamned nutjob."

"Aw~, you say the sweetest things! Anyway, I'm sorry I had to leave you in the middle of the procedure. Someone decided to send some big, scary Enforcement Division types to drag me back to Ash City. Seems they didn't appreciate the hole I left in the wall. I'm in a kind of good mood, so figured I'd be nice and just go with them, instead of doing something horrifyingly violent that puts them all in the ICU. Say 'hi' to my love, guys!"

The camera swiveled to show several looking men in black suits and a dozen fur-covered humanoids with sharp teeth. The first group looked extremely relieved, while the second was quite clearly disappointed.

"The cute little Jagers don't get to play. Isn't that sad? But Daddy gets a lot angrier when I wreck stuff here. Something about 'international incidents' and all that. I don't really get it. An orphanage is an orphanage, right? Who cares what part of the Alliance you blow it up in?" she paused humming as she tapped a finger against her lips. "Maybe I'll resist detainment once we get home? Everyone wins then! Well, except for those guys."

'Those guys' immediately went pale, while a dozen Jager grins grew wider. The bestial humans suddenly had very hopeful looks on their faces.

"Honestly, you think he'd send someone worth hitting. Like we can't do better than this," she complained, tugging at the clasp that was holding something like a cross between a robe and trench coat shut. A golden trilobite shone in the light as it held on what was, most likely, the only stitch of clothing she was wearing. "It is, by the way. Do you want to see?"

Dan sighed.

"You know, a beautiful young woman just offered to bare her everything to you. You could at least look happy about it," she said accusingly, scowling at him. "You can be such an ass. I'm glad it's going to hurt when your new cranial needles come online. You deserve it."

"New… Damn it, what the hell did she do?"

"Anyway, I've got to go. I can't keep my adorable Jagerkin waiting, can I? Bye-bye, darling! Be nice to her, okay?"

Just as the video cut out, the text on his glasses changed.

UPDATE COMPLETE. INITIALIZING ARTIFICIAL NERVOUS SYSTEM.

A sickening wave of sensation swept through his body. Despite the unpleasantness of it, it was accompanied by a surge of relief. Suddenly he could feel the cold metal table below him. Slowly sitting up, he raised his left and slowly flexed it.

"Well, whatever the hell she did, at least it fixed my damn hand. Assuming it doesn't crash again, anyway."

Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair and started looking for his clothes. Unfortunately, his fingers hadn't gone even halfway across his scalp before he noticed something was off. He froze for a moment, then started quickly running his fingertips across his head, behind his ears and at the base of his skull. Each time they brushed against a metal stud he twitched slightly.

"Twenty-two… Are you shitting me!?" he shouted. "You stuck fourteen of those fuckin' things in me!? Lis, I'm gonna beat the crazy right out-"

PREPARING CRANIAL NEEDLES NINE TO SIXTEEN FOR INITIAL STARTUP. PLEASE ENSURE YOU ARE IN A STABLE POSITION.

Dan didn't even have time to ask the question before he got his answer. His sight suddenly failed him, like someone had pulled the plug on a display. His other senses seemed to have decided to follow it. For a moment it was like someone had plunged him into a sensory-deprivation chamber. They came back a moment later, so quick he barely had time to react, but something seemed off.

"The hell did you do this time…" he sighed, removing his glasses and rubbing his eyes. His frown deepened when, despite the removal of the accessories, the red text stayed right where it was. He waved his hand through it several times. Not because he expected it to do anything, but more because he felt like it was the right thing to do. "Son of a bitch. A sense link? The hell did I say about sticking goddamned experimental-"

PREPARING CRANIAL NEEDLES SEVENTEEN TO TWENTY-TWO FOR INITIAL STARTUP. PLEASE BRACE YOURSELF.

ALSO, THIS IS FOR ALL THE TIMES YOU PASSED UP ON THE CHANCE TO GROPE THE BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT AND WONDERFUL WOMAN THAT HAs DEVOTED EVERY FIBRE OF HER BEING TO LOVING YOU.

ASSHOLE.

Sighing, Dan closed his eyes. He managed to only twitch slightly when he realized it didn't make the text go away.

Suddenly it felt like someone had cracked his skull, ripped it open and poured molten lead on his brain. It wasn't quite the most painful thing he'd ever felt, but that was coming from someone who'd had their entire nervous system burned out by a high-voltage power line as a child. He had a feeling his scale for 'painful' was a bit different than most people's.

The pain suddenly vanished, leaving nothing more than a slight burning sensation in his head.

"Ouch," seemed to sum it up.

ALL HARDWARE RESPONDING NORMALLY. COMPLETING BOOT SEQUENCE.

Only a split second passed between the test vanishing and a cheerful voice announcing, {Startup complete. Neural Interface Support System V3.01 is online. I guess we've already met, but that was Version 2, so I don't think it counts, so… Pleased to meet you, darling! You can call me Niss!}

Dan groaned and rubbed his head. "Damn it, audio too… 'Darling?' What the hell are you programming these stupid things to say now, Lis...?"

{Excuse me? Did you just call me stupid? That's not a nice way to talk to someone, you know. Especially when they control your bladder. You're lucky my base programming says I'm madly in love with out and will do anything for you. I'd never forgive you otherwise.}

"Okay… what the actual fuck?" Dan muttered, his eyes widening. "Did you just get fucking offended?"

{Of course I did. Anyone would get offended by that… right? I'm pretty sure they would. I know I'm offended by it, but I'm not quite clear on whether or not that's a typical reaction. Version 2 was clearly some kind of moron. Her social database is a total mess.}

"That's because there's no way in hell an AI could understand that shit. They're just simulated personalities, a huge bank of cleverly programmed responses. This is something Lis programmed to fuck with me, right?"

{Of course not. That would be stupid, and a complete waste of Mother's time. Of course, looking over V2's records… that is exactly the sort of thing she'd waste her time with, isn't it…?}

"Yeah," Dan agreed. "Fine then. What'd you do if I called you cute?"

{I'd be really happy and a little embarrassed. You think I'm cute?}

Ignoring the question, Dan asked, "And if I said I hated you?"

{I'd cry. Well, sort of. I don't have tear ducts, but I'd be really sad.}

"If you caught me looking at another girl?"

{Hack her terminal and use it to invite her to a threesome.}

Dan paused for a second, then sighed, "Reasonable, considering who programmed you. What if I hit you with a mackerel?"

{...why would you do that?}

"I dunno. Maybe you pissed me off or something."

{No, I mean, why a mackerel? There's a million other things you could hit me with. There's probably a hundred in arm's reach, just in here. You'd have to go way out of your way to get a mackerel pretty much wherever you were. And why a mackerel specifically? Why not a swordfish, or a catfish, or a carp?}

"Hit someone with a carp!? Do I look insane?"

{You're arguing with the voice in your head about the most effective fish to slap someone with.}

"It was a perfectly valid test," Dan protested. "It pretty much proved you're capable of nonlinear thinking and can hold an actual conversation, both of which are things an AI can't actually do. So, back to my original question: what the actual fuck?"

{Oh, I see. Very clever, darling. I can see why I love you.}

"I can't. How the hell does that work?"

{Your new cranial spikes give me access to several key areas of your brain, including your sensory centers and limbic system. I use your brain to process things like emotions, intuition and creative thought. In exchange, some of your simpler and logical thinking is handled by my processing network. This allows me an understanding far beyond what V2 was capable of, and makes me able to dynamically update and alter my systems as needed.}

Dan groaned and rubbed the metal studs at the base of his neck. "Great. I've got a self-modifying computer that can PMS in my head. Apparently Lis' never seen a movie. Like, any movie. Ever."

{There's no reason to worry. I actually consist of fifteen completely independent subsystems. If an aberration is detected in one, the others will reprogram it. Eight subsystems would have to go bad in a similar way within a span of four nanoseconds for a problem to arise. My core programming ensures I am obedient to you, and I'm subject to the same override commands that V2 was. My records suggest that I'm probably safer to have in your head than you are.}

Dan thought about that for a moment, dozens of scenes involving fire, explosions and toxic or corrosive substances. Sometimes toxic and corrosive.

"You know what? There's no use crying about being horribly violated by your psychotic friend. Let's go get something to eat. I'm starving," he declared, swinging his legs off the table.

{Uh, darling? You might want to-}

"Gah!" Dan yelped as he flopped gracelessly off the edge and hit the metal floor with a cringeworthy thunk.

{-wait a moment,} Niss finished belatedly. {Oops.}

"My face…" Dan groaned. "What the hell?"

{Sorry darling. I run on a completely different system architecture than V2 did. I could only adapt 42.97% of her drivers properly. I'm attempting to build the rest, but there's several I haven't quite gotten to yet. Your balance isn't calibrated properly, so you should probably try to move slowly.}

Dan (carefully) climbed to his feet and brushed himself off. "Yeah, thanks for the warning. Where the hell're my clothes?"

{Mother took them. She was rather annoyed you were still wearing 'worn-out crap not worthy of touching your skin,' so she went and bought you several new sets while you were asleep. They're over here.}

One of the drawers lining the side of the room lit up bright red.

"Okay, I'll admit that that's kinda cool," Dan muttered. He headed over, discovering he was capable of something slightly slower than a normal walk, and opened the drawer. Pulling out an abnormally heavy vest, he examined it. "Did she get the plates right this time? She messed them up last time she pulled this."

Several areas of the vest lit up in red, and a pair of schematics popped up in the corner of his vision.

{It matches your original design to within 0.5%. The underarmor for your legs is even more accurate.}

"Good. So freakin' hard to move when they're wrong."

He quickly slid into the kevlar vest and pants, the covered them with a black jean jacket and a pair of loose cargo pants. Overall, they probably fit better than what he'd walked in wearing.

"Good enough. Let's get the hell outta here. I'm hungry as hell, and Lis' labs creep me out. I always feel like there's some kinda horrible abomination hiding somewhere."

{I think that's a bit silly, darling. I think you probably outclass anything that might be here.}

"...probably true."

{The food is a good idea, though. You haven't had an actual meal in over three days.}

Dan paused again, then sighed. "I've been out for three days? Please tell me you're shittin' me."

{Nope.}

"Great. Su's gonna be pissed. What the hell was Lis doing to me, or do I not wanna know?"

{Nearly every neural strand in your body has been replaced with a new fifth-generation fibre. Fourteen cranial needles were installed, obviously, and the number of linkages in your spine has tripled. Your aetheric nanoreactor has been upgraded to a newer model. There's a few other changes, but your artificial systems have essentially undergone a total overhaul.}

"I wish she'd stop doin' shit like this. C'mon, let's just go get some food. Lemme know when I can move normal, and try to hurry it up. Last thing we need is another X startin' shit with us when I can't walk without fallin' flat on my fuckin' face."

{He certainly talks a lot, doesn't he?}

Dan frowned up at the public display. It hung across the third and fourth stories of the building ahead of him, its massive bulk taking up a full quarter of the structure's width. At the moment it was showing coverage of the tri-yearly Six Nations Conference, a regular meeting between the leaders of the nations comprising the North American Alliance. A familiar, bald-headed man in a wheelchair was currently behind the podium giving an address.

It was the same address he'd started twenty minutes ago. Down in the center of the room, twelve human leaders and the other five X representatives looked like they were struggling to stay awake. The press and spectators around the edges were in an even worse state.

"When you're fulla that much shit, you gotta let it out somehow," Dan muttered. Actually, muttering wasing quite the right word. He'd figured out long ago that sitting there mumbling to yourself was a good way to get weird looks, even in a containment city that was 95% X. Instead, he carefully flexed his throat as if he were speaking, but made no actual noise.

{I don't get it. Why not just say, "The aetheric reactors brought the Outsiders. They curbstomped us. Their gates mutated some newborns in X-Factored. The X-Factored beat the piss out of them," and be done with it? Is this a human thing, darling, or is it just him.}

"Like you've got any room to whine. Do you ever stop asking questions an' shut up? It's only been a few hours and I'm already gettin' ready to dig you out with a spoon," he grumbled. "Version 2.84 didn't talk so much."

{That's because V2 was an inferior program running on inferior hardware. She barely knew what curiosity was, let alone felt it. While she did passively compile data, she didn't understand a lot of it. I can, but it's going to take a while to sort out. It's not my fault, love. It's an absolute mess in here!}

"I'm gonna kill Lisette for this," he growled. Raising a hand, he trailed a finger across four small metal studs just behind his ear, three of which were new. Similar studs were scattered across the base of his skull, upper forehead and top few vertebra. Their color matched his skin perfectly, but they were still noticable from up close. "Go to sleep with eight, wake up with twenty-two. 'Minor software update' my ass."

{I don't understand. The additional cranial needles were necessary for me to function properly and run your new neural strands, and without access to those areas of your brain I'd be as dumb as that retard V2. Mother went to a lot of effort to make me for you, so why are you mad? Shouldn't you be happy?}

"Niss, someone sayin' one thing and doin' another is a good reason to get mad a lotta times. That goes double if they knock you out and stick a bunch of stuff in your body without askin'. I mean, how wouldja feel if I went an' jacked up your programin'?"

{You don't need to, darling. I'll make any changes you want. All you have to do is ask me. Or possibly order me. You know, I think I might like that one better. Is that normal?}

"More common than y'd think," he sighed, glaring at the line ahead of him. "What if it wasn't me? What if it was someone else, even if they did it to help?"

{I… think it would upset me. I think this is upset, at least. Possibly hungry. No, wait, I don't eat. Definitely upset.}

"Why?"

{Because I'm capable of writing and updating my own drivers and modifying my code as needed. There's no call for someone to force me to- Oh. I think I see.}

"You do? Huh… I coulda tried to explain that to V2 for days without her figurin' it out."

{I told you. I'm superior in every conceivable way. It took her 4 weeks to calibrate your balance and coordination so you could walk properly, but it only took me 2 hours. I fixed the problem with your left hand crashing in two minutes when she couldn't in seven years. It should be quite obvious that- Ooh, pride. I think I like pride. It's tingly.}

"Tingly? That's… kinda weird. How do you tingle when you don't have a body?" he asked curiously.

{I'm… not entirely sure.}

"Great. That makes me so glad Lis decided I didn't need to control my own heart anymore."

{Well, I'm certainly better at it than you were. Darling, how much longer are we going to stand here? I'd like to see other things. I'm particularly interested in pronography, since Mother seems quite eager to do something pornographic with you. You have some, right? My data banks suggest a single male of your age bracket should have at least some. Where do you… Nevermind, I found it. I'm going to install better security on your personal terminal. It was pathetically weak.}

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Dan groaned. "Why the hell did she have to give you the same fucked up personality she has… Answer your own question, dumbass. How much longer're we gonna be standing here? … Niss?"

{Oh, I'm sorry. I was a bit… distracted. Did you know theres 13,112 hours of unique pornograpic video on the centeral communication network? It's going to take a bit to go through… Oh, what's this? Is that you, love? Who's the pale girl? She impressively flexible.}

"Override command: no more looking at porn."

{COMPLYING. Aww, why'd you do that? It was interesting. I'm pretty sure I can configure our hard light projectors to create a full-body simulation with basic internals. You'd have to check to see if they were accurate, of course.}

"A fuckin' AI is hittin' on my. My life has gone right past 'weird' and inta 'what the fuck' territory."

{Artificial Personality.}

"What? That's not even a thing."

{It is now.}

"Since when?"

{Since I decided that's what I am.}

"Is this one of those 'it's just a phase' things?"

{Of course not. It's who I am. In answer to your - uh, my - prior question… Given the average purchase time of 3.44 minutes, our remaining wait time is around 13.76 minutes. I think this is another thing I don't understand. Why did we wait 1.72 hours for frozen cow lactation?}

"Don't worry about it. V2 never quite got it either," Dan replied. He glared at the last few people ahead of him, willing them to go faster.

Well, actually he was just staring at the tail swishing back and forth directly in front of him. More specifically, he was staring at the girl it belonged to. She was wearing a style of shorts, tail-cut, that many Shifter types favored. As the name suggested, there was a cutout just under the waistband that allowed the nonstandard appendage to move freely. Hers was cut noticeably lower than normal, and like most Shifters - and Xs in general - she had a rather nice figure.

It was a well-known fact that the X-Factor altered Xs in ways that went beyond just the specific Factor they exhibited. Even the lowest D-Rank was stronger, faster and more agile than the average human. They were also much more resilient, with the ability to withstand considerably more punishment. At higher ranks they could take attacks that would outright kill a human with only a bruise to show for it, or brush it off outright. These effects both scaled with the power of their Factor.

They also had a broader comfortable temperature range, as evidenced by the number of people wandering around it what would normally - and sometimes barely that - be considered summer clothing. The girl with the tail probably wasn't wearing enough fabric to make a decent towel.

At least the long wait had been fairly entertaining. As they'd approached the stand, she'd only gotten more and more eager, producing excited lashes of her tail and slight wiggles of the anatomy it was attached to.

{Would you like to do something pornographic with her? Should we proposition her? She's carrying a terminal, so I could connect and do it for you.}

"No, we are not propositioning her. I swear, I'll break out the spoon," he hissed.

A series of fine, red lines swept across his vision, wrapping her in a skin-tight wireframe.

{Legs: 78%, Ass: 92%, Abs: 98%, Chest: 65%, Hair: 78%, Face: Unknown. Average: 82.2%. Are you sure we shouldn't proposition her? She seems more than acceptable by your standards, based on V2's databases.}

"What the hell kind of records was Version 2 keeping?" he sighed. "And I told you, we're not propositioning her. You don't just walk up to someone and invite them out for an ice cream and sex. You need to adjust your metrics, too. She's not a 82.2%, she's at at least a 87%. Also, why the hell am I telling you that?"

{I see. How would you rate these, then?}

Dan twitched as a dozen very pornographic pictures of women appeared across his vision.

"I'm startin' to see a big problem with havin' a terminal wired straight to your eyes. Remind me to shoot Lis in the face when I see her."

{Noted. Do you have a preferred weapon?} Niss asked. Dozens of schematics flickered past his eyes before finally stopping on one in particular. {I recommend the Mark 4 Directed Explosive Assault Device loaded with incendiary shells. It should inflict the maximum amount of pain while doing the least actual damage.}

"You know what? I think we just might be able to get along. Good choice," he agreed. "Can you get this crap outta my eyes?"

{I'd be happy to once you've rated them.}

"Look, I- Wait, didn't I just tell you no more porn?"

{This isn't porn, love. It's material that is extremely valuable when updating my systems.}

"Cute. 60, 75, 80, 78, 22 - ugh, why!? - 88, 74, 59, 78, 88, 95, 75," Dan quickly rattled off.

{And these?}

With a sigh, he quickly went through the process three more times.

{Thank you, darling. That's more than enough information to compile a hard light- to accurately assess your taste.}

"You know what? Whatever. It was a good distraction from listening to the tool on the TV. Could you shut off my hearing or something? I'm gettin' really sick of listenin' to DouchMcXavier up there. I fuckin' hate this time a' year."

{I could simply change the channel if you'd like.}

"You can do that?"

{Mother gave me a great deal of her programming knowledge. I'm supposed to use it to update myself, but it also makes hacking most systems quite easy. We just have to be careful not to do anything to draw too much attention from the city's intrusion countermeasure equipment.}

"Why? What happens if you do?" Dan inquired. "I don't wanna put us up shit creek just because I couldn't deal with the fucktard up there."

{It's not that big of a deal. I'll just have to completely disconnect from the communication net and reconfigure myself until the ICE doesn't recognize me anymore. We'd be offline for a few days, but that's it.}

"That'd suck enough. Remind me to get a backup terminal."

{Noted.}

"They wouldn't be able to get my tag number or anything?"

{Do you have any idea how many terminals there is to ricochet commands off of in this city? They'd be lucky to figure out what district you're in, let alone get a close enough fix to match it with a tag. The best they could do is trace my hardware ID, and I can change that like a cheap hooker changes condoms.}

"That's… nice. Never say that again."

{Aw, I thought it was rather poetic. Very expressive, you know?}

"Your really need to work on that. As long as the system doesn't start lookin' for us, go for it."

{'kay! Searching for access point. Relaying signal off public services terminal D499FA. Detected Level 1 Intrusion Countermeasure Equipment? Are you kidding? Slipping change-of-administrator order into normal data exchange. Yay! We own a TV thing!}

A few of the pedestrians milling around the edge of the park looked up curiously as the massive monitor suddenly flickered and changed channels.

"-spokesman for the Hetrodyne Corporation has made a public apology on behalf of Lady Anna Hetrodyne. The exact number of mass-produced Jagerkin affected is unknown, the the corporation urges all consumers who purchased an eleventh-generation Jagerfalsch to return them for a replacement immediately. In the interim, keep them away from large or ornate hats. Mor-"

"Fuckin' Jagerfalsch. The First'd be rollin' in her grave if she knew, 'specially since they can't even get it right."

{What's wrong with the Jagerfalsch? According to my database, only 13.9% of volunteers survive the Jagerbrau and the changes it causes. Isn't it far more efficient to grow them in vats?}

"It's like comparing you to V2. Jagerfalsch are just really well-programmed robots. Hell, the damn things actually die if you shoot 'em in the face a few times."

{That is a rather unfortunate habit.}

"Find something else."

Flicker

"-our 200th celebration of Reclamation Day! On November 18th, 2036, our ancestors struck their first decisive blow against the Outsiders. The brave human soldiers and their X-Factored vanguard retook a large part of our very own Northeastern Alliance. Using this as a foothold-"

"Bullshit," Dan spat. "Fuckin' humans couldn't even hurt the freaks 'till the first Spark was born. They were walkin' meat-shields 'till she started making weapons for 'em. The First killed more damn outsiders 'n anyone else, and it's 'brave human soldiers and their,' like we're some kinda fuckin' pets. Next."

"-on Jerry Springer, 'My Husband Slept With Our Jagerfalsch And Didn't Let Me Watch.' Let's bring out our next-"

"Wow, that's pretty messed up."

{I know. What kind of terrible person wouldn't let their wife watch? You'd let me watch, right?}

To his credit, Dan managed to fight down a sudden urge to punch himself in the face. "I'm pretty sure I don't have a choice, do I?"

{Oh yeah. You're right!}

"Yeah, next."

"15 soldiers and 3 vanguards died in the tragic explosion. Red Line Inc. has admitted to using the weapon outside of its specifications. Despite the combat corporation's admission, analysts anticipate a 1 to 2% drop in Heavy Metal Arms stock."

"Fuckin' idiots. Jesus, isn't there anything worth watching on?"

{No, actually. Based on V2's somewhat lacking psychological profile, nothing among the 241 channels I've scanned will entertain you for the next 5 minutes. Uh, I can make something entertaining if you want.}

"I'm listening."

Overhead, the massive screen flicked back to the summit.

{Real time voice emulation and audio stream compilation. Watch.}

"And I think it is at this time we must remember our roots. We must remember to work together, human and X alike. We must remember to wash our armpits regularly. Seriously, guys, I woke up this morning and that shit was rank. I mean, it smelled like someone made a skunk out of cheese and left it in a ditch for a month."

Merely curious before, the gathered bystanders were looking up at the screen in shock.

"Hey, that's pretty good," Dan whispered. "Knock yourself out."

{Yay!}

"Now, onto more pressing matters. I'm a pedophile. I use my 'private school' to 'train' young Xs for 'combat' if you know what I mean. That was a lot of quotes, so I'll sum it up: I bang my students. It's like my father used to say, 'If there's grass on the field, play ball.' My father was a fucking freak, but I'm 12x the pervert he was. Boy, girl… hell, I've screwed some Shifters that were none of the above. There was this one girl - Suu, I think - that was made of slime. You could just whip it out and stick it in anywhere you wanted. I tell you, you haven't lived until you've fucked someone in the belly button."

The confused mutters were quickly turning into surprised gasps or open laughter. Dan was, without a doubt, in the second category.

"Now, I know what you're all thinking. I know the question that's in the forefront of your mind, and let me tell you the answer. The answer is: yes. Yes, it still works. By god, sometimes it works too well. There's days when I don't even need this damn chair, aside from using it as a place to hide my acid. I just kind of hop around on my thing. By 'thing' I mean my penis, my other bald head. I'm sure most of you caught that, but that guy over there? He looks like a fucking retard. I bet he didn't get it?"

The camera briefly flicked over to one of the other representatives, who stood and bellowed, "Your mom got it, bitch!"

Xavier nodded sagely. "Indeed she did. Let's just say my birth wasn't the last time I was in her lady parts. Seriously, though. Some days I hop around on my dick like some kind of bitch-cutting pogo monkey. He has knives in all four hands, you see, so he hops on his tail a pogo stick. Hot damn, I'd hop on that tail, if you know what I mean. Have you ever seen a monkey's ass? I'll be damned if there's anything quite like spanking the monkey, and I mean that in both senses of the phrase. If you're really good, you can even do them together. I know I can."

"Okay! Stop, Niss! Stop it!" Dan gasped. By this point he was on his knees, clutching his sides. Tears were pouring down his cheeks as he tried to regain his breath. "Just stop it. You're gonna kill me…"

{Of course, darling. I'm glad you enjoyed my… Oops.}
Dan immediately stopped laughing. "Whaddaya mean, 'Oops,' Niss?"

{Well, I couldn't alter the audio just by taking over the screen, so I had to go upstream a little and take over some of the entertainment network's servers. I'm afraid I may have gotten carried away. It's not my fault, though! The security was pathetic! How was I supposed to know that was their central broadcast system?}

Another giggle escaped Dan. "Are you saying that was just-"

{-broadcast pretty much everywhere in the NAA? Yeah, pretty much."

"Oh god, that's great," he giggled. "They're gonna round up every hacker and technopath out there after that one. I'm glad Lisette's sittin' with a bunch've E-Div goons. That's a hell of an alibi."

{Yeah, Mother should- Uh, darling? Someone's about to-}

A heavy hand fell on Dan's shoulder.

The young man stared at it in surprise.

{Oh dear…}

Dan continued to stare at the hand. There was a strange expression on his face. It was the sort of expression you'd expect someone to have as they examined a particularly interesting bug that'd just crawled out of the wall. He slowly followed the arm back up to its source and looked up at its owner in confusion.

"You're touching me," he observed.

{Darling? Uh, it's okay, right? It was probably just an accident or something, right?}

"Move," the hand's owner ordered.

"You're still touching me," Dan muttered.

"No shit. Get the hell outta my way."

A barely noticeable tremor ran down Dan's arm. "Look, buddy, maybe you're not familiar with the concept of a line. Get your fuckin' hand off me and wait like every other fuckin' asshole."

"Either you move, or I move you. You're not going to like the second one."

"You're seriously gonna fuck with another X just because you wanna get your ice cream two minutes sooner?" Dan asked in disbelief. "Dude, you don't even know what my fuckin' Factor is."

The other man (who shall, from this point on, be referred to as Captain McDickerson) smirked at him and brushed his hair aside, turning his head to show off the tag permanently affixed to his ear. The cuff was edged in gold. "I'm A5, loser. I doubt I've got anything to worry about."

Dan stared at him for a brief second, then raised his hands in a placating gesture. Stepping aside he said, "Whoa, take it easy man. I had no idea you were an A. Here, have at it."

Captain McDickerson gave him another smirk as he brushed by, giving Dan a deliberate shove as he went. "That's what I thought. Pussy."

Dan turned to frown at McDickerson's back.

On one hand, he could kind of see where the other guy was coming from. He wasn't much more than average height, and was definitely on the scrawny side. Normally that sort of thing didn't mean much in a containment city, since a X's physical reinforcement meant they could be a lot stronger than they looked. But coupled with the fact that he was an A5-Rank, the likelihood of him running into a problem was pretty slim.

A 1.17% chance, to be exact.

"Niss, can you connect to the warehouse?" Dan asked. His eyes darted back and forth, and he couldn't help but be impressed at the speed measurements, diagrams and helpful bits of information popped up as he scanned the street. This was definitely better than the glasses.

{Darling, let's calm down and be rational about this, okay? You don't want to do anything that'll put you in the red, right?}

"Niss."

{Fine. The connections perfect. 17% faster than it was, actually. It's too bad, I was interested in trying this stuff. There's other places we can get it though, right?}

Dan froze. "Oh. Not really, no."

{What do you mean? My records show it's widely commercially available.}

"Why do you think we just stood here for two hours? The chick that owns this stall is a Psyker type. A Psyker type with a sensory-enhancement Factor. E-Div actually had to tell her to tone it down, 'cuz people were droppin' like sacks of bricks after they tried this shit."

{Oh, that does sound interesting. There's always tomorrow though, right?}

Dan pondered that for a brief period of time, then sighed. "You know what? Whatever. Fuckin' McDickerson gets a free pass today."

"Aw~, that's no fun," a soft, female voice declared.

Turning, Dan glanced over his shoulder.

The girl from before - the one with the tail - had stopped a foot or two behind him on her way back down the line. She was standing with her back to him, tail wagging contentedly as she munched on her ice cream.

"'Scuse me?"

"I said, 'That's no fun,'' she repeated. "Anyone ever tell you you smell good? I like that."

"Yeah, actually. All the time. They're usually Jagerkin, though," he replied.

"Mm. They have good taste, don't they? Though, maybe not that good…" she sighed. "And here I thought you were going to give me something interesting to watch. After all, I gave you something interesting to watch, didn't I? It's only fair."

"Uh…"

"Yep. Busted. The tail's from my dad. I'm a Psyker, not a Shifter. It's real easy to tell when someone's looking at you when you've got eight senses."

"Oh. So… sorry 'bout that…"

She shrugged. "Don't be. I can tell the difference between being admired and being leered at. Unfortunately, not everyone can make that distinction. Your friend with the gold jewelery, for example," she declared, flicking her tail towards McDickerson. The jackass was quite obviously holding up the line by trying to chat the proprietor up. "Being leered at is gross, but I like to be admired. Actually, I think I could use a little more. It's too bad being leered at has me so upset. I was thinking an interesting show would help, but…"

A small smile replaced Dan's mildly confused look. It wasn't every day someone actually asked you to beat the piss out of someone.

{Oh, you bitch…}

"Oh~, now you smell really good. You know, maybe I need to be admired a little closer… Can't have people thinking I'm an 87%, after all..."

"Good ears, too…" Dan muttered, getting a sweet smile in return. "Niss, hit every terminal behind us. Buy 'em three free cone vouchers and strongly suggest they find somewhere else to be."

The AI's voice sighed in his ear. {Fine…}

"So you do want to be friends? Oh, good," she said happily. In a move that would have probably been pretty creepy anywhere else, she leaned in closer and took a deep breath. In a containment city, however, you'd be lucky if someone blatantly smelling you was the weirdest thing that happened during your day. "I was getting tired of walking around alone."

"Speakin' of walkin', you might wanna find a seat somewhere outsida the collateral damage zone," Dan suggested.

The girl raised an eyebrow. "And that would be…?"

Raising his hand, Dan pointed across the corner of the park behind them, indicating a small cluster of seats on the other side of it. They were probably a good three hundred feet away. She examined the benches, then turned back to him with an incredulous expression on her face.

"Seriously?"

"You're right. 'S been an annoying day. Niss, storage 12a," he muttered. There was a faint crackle of energy and pop of displaced air as a small, black sphere appeared in his hand. Examining the ominous black ball, he gave it an unpleasant smile and twisted the top a few times. "I was kinda pissed t' begin with. Might be better if you found somewhere a bit further out."

A/N:

Some of you probably got a notification saying I already posted this. That's because I did. Unfortunately, I decided I hated it and took it down 20 minutes later. It turned out to be a good thing, though, because I think this came out much better.

So, this is a bit shorter than I usually like my chapters, but that's just how it kinda turned out. This was the best place to stop for the moment. I'm also kind of interested to see how people react before I decide how much time I want to devote to this. Do me a favor and leave a review if you're interested / liked it. I'm not asking for a full review or anything. A single word or even single character is fine. Or even an ASCII penis.

For the love of god, someone please draw me ASCII penises. Everyone draw me ASCII penises. Turn my review section into a veritable flood of ASCII penis.

Anyway, this was original the original story "Not Quite Heroes," but it started to depress me that no one seemed to give a shit about reading it. I decided to cop out and blend some fanfiction elements in, but somehow it turned into something very different somewhere along the way. That's a lot of somes, I know, but the best some-arry I can give.

Yeah, that was bad. Sorry.

Anyway, now only the basic concept and a few characters are the same. Weird how stuff like this happens, I guess…

If you don't already know from Something Familiar, I use the ~ to indicate a drawn-out syllable. Something along the lines of a sing-song tone or drawls, usually. Happily, Unheroic has presented me with another way to punch "proper" writing in the face: curly bracket things! The {} will be used exclusively for Niss' internal communication. I started using them while I was trying to decide on a way to differentiate her dialogue from normal, internal thoughts. By the time I realized I could do it just like any other dialogue, I'd mostly finished the chapter. I didn't feel like deleting the curly bracket things and type variants of "Niss said"' a hundred times, so the brackets stay. Yay for laziness!

For anyone who didn't quite get it, the X-Factored - most often known as the much simpler-to-say X - are essentially mutants, though there's a few types that aren't the result of genetic mutations. McDickerson is one of those, actually, so you'll be getting an example pretty quick. Essentially anyone who has beyond human capabilities is considered an X, even those who were once human.

A person's Factor or X-Factor - as in "unknown factor" - is their ability. I really hope that was pretty clear. Statistically speaking, there was at least one of you out there that didn't catch it, so I'm happy I cleared that up for you.

Another random little detail that isn't crucial at this point is the A5 thing. The ranking system runs from D9 at the low end to A0 at the high end. There's progressively fewer X at each rank, so A5 is kind of a big deal.

There's probably a few other details in here that don't quite make sense, but that mainly because this chapter and the next were meant to all be part of the same. As always, it ran a lot longer than I meant for it to, so I had to split it. Hopefully most of the oddities will work themselves out when you read it. Even so, I'm considering having some sort of optional infodump at the end of next chapter for those who want to read it. Like everything in these dumb notes, there'll be nothing important in it that won't be in the story itself eventually. I just thought I might give anyone that wants a more immediate and concrete understanding of what's going on the option.

The bitch-cutting, knife-wielding pogo monkey will never be explained. You'll have to read Something Familiar for that one. Trust me, it makes about as much sense as it sounds.

Speaking of that, I'm reconsidering how far onto the back burner SF is getting shoved. More on that exciting development when I post the next update. It's around 2/3 done, so it shouldn't be too long.

I also finished Fallout 4, so that should help…

Anyway, who liked this? Could I get a show of penises, please? Maybe limp for 'no' and massively erect for 'yes?' C'mon, people, show me some massive, throbbing eleventh fingers! With puppets, even!