Author: Christine
Date: 5th-12th February 2000
Disclaimer: Well I've made heaps of offers but they still won't sell them to me, its almost as if 1 and 2 cent pieces can't be used anymore!
Author's Notes: Ok I know this type of story has been done heaps of times before but not by me and I really wanted to have a go so please tell me what you think and thanks for reading.
The lyrics are from 'Affirmation' by Savage Garden.
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Picture Perfect
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*I believe we place out happiness in other people's hands*
I'm sitting here in my favourite chair, surrounded by a *few* clothes, beer cans, dishes, just a *bit* of mess. You're not here to remind me of just how big of a mess it is. I've been looking through some photos and I came across one of you and me and you know what? I haven't been able to bring myself to move onto the next photo for half an hour now. We're on a boat, do you remember it? Comes with the package I suppose, eternal memory? We're smiling, you and me. Not fake smiles, real ones. I can tell the difference from those you gave crims and this Rachel, this is...*was* real. You had perfect teeth, did I ever tell you that? I should go and add that one on the list of things I should have told you, I probably didn't ever say it. They were though, perfect. White as pearls, one lined up after the other in a seamless row, not one crooked just...perfect.
*I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned*
You're tough Rachel that's for sure and everybody knows it as well as they all know that evil glares are your speciality but there is something about you that is so innocent and I reckon the only time anyone ever got to see that side of you is when you smiled a *real* smile. I mean how can anyone be tough all the time with dimples like yours? It's the innocence you do such a damn good job at hiding. I probably would have copped one in the solar plexus by now if I told you that but you know its the truth Goldie, I suppose I was one of the lucky ones who actually did occasionally get to see it, that's got to mean something right? I know you trusted me and that's enough in itself but I just wished you knew how glad I am that you could talk to me, not many people got that opportunity to really know you and they really don't know what they were missing out on mate.
*I believe the sun should never set upon an argument*
We're on a boat hey? Must have been the only time I've ever got you on one of those. I still think about what it would be like if we were on the boat together when I left for Venezuela. You, me, and the clear blue yonder...and David, and probably your dad, your mobile phone, hey probably your house too. I knew you couldn't go but did you ever find yourself thinking about it? Just what it may have been like? Or did you blame me? I didn't want to leave you Rachel it was just something I had to do, for me, I think you understood that, I hope I didn't sail off under the impression that you were fine when you really were just making it easier for me, your too damn loyal sometimes. I love that about you though, it's you, and all I wish is that you were thinking of me when the sun went down that night and not cursing me because I'll tell you now Rachel I was thinking of you so much I sometimes believed you were really there.
*I believe that forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness*
When I first found out what happened I blamed myself, I kept telling myself that I should never have left, I should have been there and if I still couldn't do anything at least I could have said goodbye. I guess I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not Mr. Invincible, that was a hurdle in itself, and I probably would have been an even bigger wreak if you would have died in *my* arms. Now I'm not getting all jealous on you now, what Jack must have gone through these last couple of months, knowing that you died in his arms...I don't know, at least he got to say goodbye. I think if I ever fully forgive myself for not being there it would be like I'm giving up on you, letting go or something but as long as I still blame myself a bit I'm treasuring every moment I ever had with you and I'm still finding the perfect words to say goodbye to you if I ever had that chance, it keeps me with you you know? Now I don't know if that's healthy and if I ever told Helen she'd have me being debriefed for an event I wasn't even there to witness but I don't care, it helps me go on, without it I don't know what I would feel.
*I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye*
You know that saying Goldie, "You don't know what you've got till its gone," or something along those lines, well, it means nothing, its bullshit. I knew exactly what I had and what I left behind but it doesn't make it any easier. I honestly don't know why I left you, I knew why I left the job, why I left my home, but why I left you is even still a mystery to me. I suppose I thought it'd all be still here when I got back, I actually said that to you didn't I? But you didn't listen to me, maybe I shouldn't have either. What went unsaid between us could be written up and published as a best seller I reckon, that's probably what I regret the most, not knowing just what could have happened but we couldn't risk stuffing up our friendship, it meant just to damn much and it worked so bloody well. We both knew it was there though...I know, I know your denying it but it was there and that was something both you and I knew best without anything being said. Saying goodbye might have changed everything I've just mentioned, I don't know, maybe it should be more like "You don't know what you've got until you say goodbye." I wonder if Jack knows.
*I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you*
As always you are dressed neatly and your hair sits to perfection. Maybe that's why I had such a great friendship with you Rach, you are so unlike anyone I could ever see myself with. You're way too smart, your desk resembles a house waiting for inspection and the driver's seat of your car hasn't ever seen anyone else's arse but your's... maybe that's why I loved you so damn much. I think I needed that you know? Someone different, someone who sticks without even needing to be in any way stuck too. Everyone used to say we were just like a married couple but we didn't need a bit of paper to verify that, all we needed was work, the pub, and each other. Maybe I should have tried that with my marriages, they just may have worked out a bit better... hah, nah they wouldn't have, not since I met you.
*I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do*
There was a photo of David before this one. It must have been yours. He's sort of like my link to you now. When I look at him I see you in a way I can't really explain. He talks of you always and I think he annoys the crap out of Jonathan with it which I'm sure you would be happy to know. He really admires you Goldie, I know there were times when you thought you were a bad parent but I'm telling you now you did everything right with that kid. What you are capable of still amazes me.
*I believe in love surviving death into eternity*
I know I would do anything for you, I know that I trusted you with my life in a way that's beyond the needs of the job, I know I cared for you something shocking, sometimes too much I suppose but what is all that? I know, I know stop trying to be deep and meaningful Frank, it doesn't suit you, right? I love ya Rachel. I want you to know now I have the most stupid grin on my face, I don't have a mirror but I would say it resembles something of a content furry creature. I know your mouthing off smart comments right now but mate, its all your own doings.
*I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side*
So really mate, what's it like? Do you lounge around on fluffy white clouds laughing at all of us down here while we try to sort out the lives? Did the golden gates open straight away for you or did you have to earn your way in? They'll have some explaining to do when I get there if they didn't burst open at the very sight of you. Did you witness the suffering of everyone when you left? I really hope you didn't, you don't deserve any more heartache, you didn't deserve any of it Rachel. You're probably wondering what the hell Holloway is doing now right, reliving it all again. Well I never really lived it in the first place and in a way, I think I needed it. We are and always will be the formidable team, we were partners and best mates, we were...perfect. Goodbye Goldie, I'll see ya when I see ya. I'm moving on to the next photo.
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END! The reply button is at the top left hand side of your screen!! ; )
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I believe the sun should never set upon an argument I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone
I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality I believe that trust is more important than monogamy I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul I believe that family is worth more than money or gold I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires
I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists I believe in love surviving death into eternity
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