a/n: this story randomly hit me, and I wrote it in about two hours. There's something I want to talk about, though. The drama going down? I know I haven't responded to it, and that's because I don't want to stir the pot. My only words about it are this: Look, I'm still doing my thing. This is NOT a narrative (though Samus is narrating), it is a story, and it does quite involve the Smash Mansion. If you disagree, go ahead and contradict me, because I know by now some of you are out for my blood, because I'm that one annoying Christian author. That seems to be taboo around here, but, I don't care. Now, not all of you have mentioned that, but I've been called out for it, meant to insult me. It doesn't. Anyway, my real message: I'm a laser, not a loser. Lasers are opposites of losers; we let our light shine.

Love
Always
Shines
Everytime
Remember 2
Smile

Falling

The downfall of my life started when I began to care.

But I only realized it when the phone fell from my hand.

I was sitting there, hunched over, my legs splayed underneath me, my breast heaving, with only my breath for sound, when my cell phone, something I had never used before, slipped from my fingers.

It wasn't the fact that it was a cell phone, or that I was only semi-conscious. I think it was the fact that I didn't even realize it was sliding out of my grasp.

These are the kinds of things written about in stories all the time – "and suddenly I realized blank fell from my hand" – but nobody ever talks about them. Because it's just a minor detail, something to progress the story forward. But for me, it was the turning point.

One moment, all I could think about was the feeling in my stomach – turning, twisting, tumbling, burning there at the very edge, circling around the insides – and the next, the clatter as my phone hit the tile. My abrupt shock at the noise, the snap of my neck as I whirled to look at it. I just stared at it, my hand curled around my midriff, the other limp on the edge of the toilet. Then it hit me.

I had stumbled into the bathroom, tripping over my own feet. Up until that point, the static in my head had remained quiet, but then, it exploded in my ears with the force of a hurricane. I fell to the floor, and then everything went silent.

The next thing I heard was my breath. I looked up, pushing my wild blonde hair out of my eyes, and crawled to the toilet. I had leaned over it, feeling my stomach knot, and the taste in my mouth became metallic, sour.

The phone was still clutched in my hand, but I had never used it before. It was there then because, even in my panicked thoughts, I knew I'd need to tell the time.

But as I sat there, staring at the phone, I realized just why it hit me so hard.

It was truly scary to realize I was out of my control. I hadn't even felt my fingers going limp. And I could've run it through my mind that I didn't realize it just because I was so anxious. But that wasn't true. What happened, it was like I didn't have nerves anymore.

Now you might be wondering if I'm over-dramatizing things. But the problem was precisely the opposite – ignoring things. I pretended I had everything under control. I pretended I knew what I was doing and I ignored the warning signs.

The downfall of my life started when I began to care.

But I only realized it as I was falling.

People talk about their life spiraling downward, like going down a spiral staircase. But not for me. For me, it was like the phone falling out of my hand, without any realization of it happening. I wasn't spiraling downward; I'd jumped off, and now I was in freefall.

I can't tell you why I never realized I was falling; but I think I can guess.

I think I was so numbed by the fall itself I didn't realize I was falling.

Why did I ever jump?

It's a question I've asked myself over and over. Sometimes I blame it on my past; sometimes I blame it on this place.

They're murders here. And they like it. Oh, I'm not sinless – I went along happily, for a while. But I have no epiphany moment. I didn't murder a loved one. Nothing.

So why did I jump?

But now the phone's fallen from my hand. And I don't know what to do about it.

People, when telling these kinds of stories, like to bring some sort of hope into everything. They like to talk about how something saved them, about their revelation, about the hope they have in the future.

But nobody talks about how they got to that point, what lead them to that epiphany. And I have nothing.

I jumped all alone – and I have nobody here. Nobody's holding my hand, pulling my hair back as I throw up, soothing me – telling me I'll be alright.

I guess I'm still falling.

The downfall of my life began when I started to care.

And I haven't stopped falling.

A/n: I know the story's grim, but really, I'm not. I just felt like writing a dark story, more to soothe me than anything. I had a stomache ache. :) Symbolism is very present. Also, I did want to say what I thought about the drama. I'm still doin' my thing, and I will continue to. I will be a laser. I think you should be too.

Yay, my 30th fic! Thank you, Lupe Fiasco, for sharing your vision with the world, and inspiring me to be a laser. (No, no lyrics were included in the story. I didn't even listen to him while I wrote it. The story wasn't even inspired by that.)

Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed, and please review.