Kiss Me Once, Kiss Me Twice, Kiss Me Stupid
Author: Megan
Disclaimer: iCarly and everything related to it are the property of Nickelodeon. I think.
Feedback: Yes, please.
Summary: Sam discovers a weakness in Carly, but will she try to exploit it? Yeah, she will!
Notes: This is a Carly/Sam story, that is to say there is femslash here. I don't write comedy often, but this one is supposed to be funny. If it's not, well, you're welcome to let me know. I'm a big girl, I can take it.
1.
It wasn't the most comfortable position Carly had ever been in. She'd manoeuvred herself to a kind of a crab-like state, with both feet and hands on the mat and with her back to the floor. In addition, her right hand was reached quite far back, around her waist level, meaning her center of gravity was way off and she was wobbling worrisomely. To make matters worse, Sam had one leg over Carly's stomach and her knee kept bumping into her. The blonde was also giggling madly in her left ear because Carly had just placed her in a headlock.
Yet, despite that late development, it was pretty obvious to Carly she was losing this game of Twister. "Just give already," Sam struggled to say between giggles.
"Never! This is going exactly according to my plan," Carly said, trying to shift to a more stable position.
"Whatever..."
"Umm, guys?" Freddie put in from behind the camera, "We're running out of time here."
"So just call the next move already!" Carly shouted. She was quite annoyed, didn't like losing even if it was just a stupid game.
"All right. Geez..." the boy replied, backing towards his laptop, keeping the camera trained on the girls. "This one's from Ally," he said, clicking a button and bringing up a teen girl on the wall monitor.
"Hi, guys!" the girl yelled excitedly, "This is so awesome, I'm a huge fan and I really love what you..."
"The move!" Carly again raised her voice in frustration. Then, as she realised how rude she came off, she quickly went on, "Please. I meant to say. Ally, would you please give Sam her move. Now."
"Oh..kay."
"Hey, Ally, because we need to wrap this up, I'll give you a little hint," Sam started talking, craning her neck and trying to see the monitor, which was pretty difficult from where her head was stuck, "Left hand, blue."
"No, wait..." Carly quickly tried to interrupt, even as her eyes were scanning the board and she tried to figure out what it meant in terms of the game, "You can't..."
"Come on, Ally!" Sam shouted over Carly's voice, "You know you want to see Miss Bossy lose!"
"... do that!" Carly finished.
"Yeah, cool," the girl in the monitor said, "Sam, left hand on blue."
"Son of a..." Carly started muttering.
"Language!" Freddie quickly yelled. "Your move, Sam," he added, cutting off Ally with another click of a button.
Sam was again chuckling quietly as she snaked her head away from under Carly's arm. She then quickly hoisted her left hand over the brunette, landing it right next to her head. The move ended with Sam situated effectively on top of Carly, with their faces only inches apart. "Hi," the blonde smirked, looking her directly in the eyes. "Now do you give?"
"Cheater," Carly shot back.
"Aww, don't be a sore loser! We need to end this somehow." Sam's grin only grew bigger.
"Your breath stinks."
Sam squinted her eyes and the smile slowly disappeared. "Just for that, I'll make this as painful as I possibly can."
"Oh, yeah?" Carly laughed incredulously. "What are you gona...?"
"Mmmmmuah!" Sam uttered as she landed a quick smooch squarely on Carly's lips.
Carly was completely unprepared for it, and the surprise shocked the remaining strength from her body. All of her limbs gave out under her at the same time and she fell down on her butt with a rather undignified thump.
"Hurrah! Victory for Sam! " the blonde cheered, springing to her feet and throwing her arms in the air. "Who's the champ?! I'm the champ!"
Carly was still too stumped to do anything but look on as Sam started doing a lame booty shake victory dance. "Five seconds," she heard Freddie call, but it didn't really register as anything meaningful in her brain.
Luckily, Sam was on the ball and turned to the camera, "Thanks for watching, and check out iCarly dot com for more and much more Carly humiliation!"
"And we're clear," Freddie said, killing the live feed.
Sam's mood instantly dropped a couple of notches. She was still noticeably jubilant, but not nearly as jumpy as she had been in front of the camera. "Good show, Carls," she said. Glancing down at Carly, she started stretching out her arms, "Ugh. That was a lot of work."
For her part, Carly was still dumbfounded by Sam's finishing move. Her brain was working on overtime, trying to put the pieces together. Never mind the cheating, that was to be expected from the blonde, but she also kissed her! That was new. Every time Carly thought she had her friend all figured out, she pulled something else from her sleeve. The problem was this particular new piece didn't seem to fit the puzzle at all, as far as Carly could tell.
"So, what the heck was that, Sam?" Freddie asked, when Carly still couldn't find her voice. He was fiddling with his equipment, but there was a distinctly angry frown on his face.
"What?" Sam replied, bending to pick up her shoes and socks, which she had insisted on removing before the game.
"You kissed Carly!" Freddie said, raising his voice and looking up from the computer.
Sam laughed briefly. "What kissed? Are you kidding me?" she said, her look drifting from Freddie to Carly, who was still seated on the game board. "That was no kiss."
"No, I remember a kiss," Carly said quietly, nodding her head.
"Are you even okay? Why are you still down there?" Sam frowned.
Carly kept on nodding. "Uhhum. You kissed me." Her stare moved from Sam's face to her bare feet.
"I mean, god, Sam! I have a shot of it right here!" Freddie shouted irately, punching a number of keys on his laptop and bringing up an image of the last moments of the Twister game on the wall monitor.
Sam only glanced at it quickly before turning back to Freddie and Carly. "Look, you incredible nubs," she sighed exaggeratedly, "That was no damn kiss. I made a sound and pressed my mouth against Carly's. That's it. I use more tongue with my grandma, for god's sake!"
Freddie cringed back, shaking his head rapidly, while Carly closed her eyes and made a horrified face. "Oh, eww. That is disgusting," she said and started laughing despite herself, "You are disgusting, Sam."
"You sound surprised." Sam smiled and headed for the stairs. "I have to get going now," she said, waving her hand on the way.
"Yeah, you do," Carly said, still shuddering from the mental image Sam had planted in her head. She finally mustered enough energy to get off the floor just as the blonde disappeared out of sight. "Bye!" she shouted after the girl, then waited for a reply for a second, but it never came. Looking over at Freddie, who still seemed to be in a mild state of panic, she shrugged and set to gathering up their discarded iCarly props. In retrospect, her mild freak out over the kiss was ridiculous. What exactly set it apart from the million of other stunts Sam pulled all the time? Nothing, really. It wasn't nearly as mean as some of them, or as clever, or even really as stupid. Just something she decided to do, because the opportunity presented itself.
"You okay?" Freddie asked her after a minute. "That is one sick, disturbed girl."
Carly chuckled quietly. "You're not wrong. But she's my sick, disturbed girl," she said, directing a smile to Freddie, "Wouldn't have her any other way."
"Pfff," the boy sneered, shaking his head, "I wouldn't have her any way, shape or form."
Carly smiled to him again, before folding up the Twister board and packing it inside its box. "Who knew she was so limber?" she muttered to herself. "I'll be downstairs," she then added louder to Freddie, and walked in the elevator.
On the way down, Carly again tried to process what had happened. Personal space had never had much meaning when it came to Sam, she doubted whether the girl was even aware of the concept. Sam would touch, hug and drape herself all over Carly whenever it suited her. She was use to it by now, for sure. And it wasn't like Carly herself wasn't prone to similar behaviour. But a kiss was still a kiss, no matter how Sam tried to play it down. There had to be some boundaries not even she could cross.
At the bottom floor, Carly exited the elevator into the living room, quickly scanning the surroundings. She had expected to find Spencer there, but instead it was Sam who was seated at the bottom stair, lacing up her sneakers. The girl looked up quickly and smiled.
"Hey. I thought you left already," Carly said, taking slow, unsure steps toward her.
"Any moment now," Sam replied, "Just waiting for my mom to come pick me up."
"Ah." Carly nodded. She hesitated for a second, then took more purposeful strides to Sam's side.
Sam glanced up a second time, with a more confused expression now, and finished tying up her shoes. "What?"
Carly sighed and took a seat next to her on the stairs. "Look, I forgive you for cheating, but..."
"I didn't even apologise, though."
"Iforgiveyou!" Carly shouted rapidly, closing her eyes momentarily, then fixing a stern stare to Sam. "But did you really have to go that far?" she said, calm again.
"Aww, come on. Are you still on about that stupid kiss?" Sam groaned. "Why?! I get that the Dweeb is upset because I got there first, but you? Why do you even care?"
"Because you kissed me!"
"But I've never seen you freeze up like that."
"Yeah, it's because you kissed me!" Carly shouted in frustration. "Is any of this getting through?"
"So, wait..." Sam stopped when her cell phone started ringing. She pulled it out of her pocket and checked the display. "That's my mom." She stood up.
"What were you gonna say?" Carly asked.
Sam grinned at her mischievously. "Nothing." She started walking towards the door, but halfway there she twirled around. "Oh, I won't be around tomorrow. We're going to visit relatives." The grin was still plastered on her face. "I can't wait. There might even be some smo-ooching!" she added in a singsongy voice, laughing as she turned to leave again.
"Shut up!" Carly shouted burying her shaking head in her palms. "I don't wanna hear about your sick incesty adventures." She didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so her voice came out as a pitiful whine. "I really don't."