Stronger For It
"Oh, forget it, never mind," the Drode said angrily. And disappeared as quickly as he came. I blinked once, his visit still fresh in my mind, along with the guilt.
My mind still wondering if there was a way out.
I got out of bed. No way I could sleep now. The clock showed 2:15 and it was dark out. My eyelids were heavy but my mind was still wide awake. The recent battle still replaying. Over and over again.
"Please. Help me."
Then my mind turned to the Drode's visit. Did he just offer me a way out? Yeah, he did.
Why did he leave? I wasn't even sure of my answer before he left.
"You were gong to say no," I thought to myself. That explains it. I was going to say no.
"Cold. Help me."
~~~
"Help me."
"Here, we got you," another Controller said. Gedds, Hork-Bajir, and humans were milling around, cleaning up the mess.
"It's cold." Another controller had begun closing the wounds. Then she saw that the ears were blocked, scarred, bloody. She couldn't fix that.
She looked at her superior, Sub-Visser 34. He saw what she was worried about.
He paused for a second, only because the doomed Yeerk was a good friend of his. Then, without second thought, aimed his Dracon beam and shot.
"NO--" he yelled, stopped in mid-word as he disappeared from sight.
A few other controllers had stopped to see what had happened. "Keep working," the sub-visser yelled. They continued.
~~~
"Would I?" Would we be living through all this pain, this fear, carrying on this war that we shouldn't have to fight? Would I have said no?
I wouldn't know if I hadn't been able to say it out loud.
I kept thinking about it, replaying the few seconds before Drode disappeared. And what my answer would've been. "No, yes, no, yes, no..."
"Oh, God," I said out loud. I finally realized it.
I was going to say yes.
~~~
"Jake? Are you okay?" Cassie asked. I nodded.
We were at the mall two days later, just hanging out, trying to forget what had happened. Didn't care that we weren't all in seperate groups, but, instead, were all hanging out together as we walked from one store to the other. Or followed Rachel from one store to the other.
Cassie and I were lagging behind, which gave us some privacy.
"You seem distracted. Was it the battle?"
"No," I said, giving a sardonic smile. But I heard the controller again.
"Someone... so cold..."
"Unfortunetly, it isn't that," I said.
"Do you need to talk about it?" she asked.
"No." I'll just be stronger for it. Because I am never going to say yes.
~~~
I wondered if he knew what had happened, then knew he couldn't. I was the only person in the group that remembered even part of it.
He bent down and kissed me on the cheek. I looked at him. He smiled one of those smiles for me. "Don't worry about it, okay?"
"Okay. But if you need someone to talk to..."
"I know Cassie. Thanks. For caring and all."
"Come on, Cassie!" Rachel called out. She was in front of the Gap, waving her arms dramatically for me to go in.
"Coming," I said, sighing. Jake chuckled.
And for a moment, I felt a pang of guilt because I couldn't tell him. He deserved to know, but for the sake of his sanity, and the sacrifice of mine, I couldn't tell him.
Hopefully I would be stronger for it.