All at Sevens and Nines
It must be a good 10 years since I've written any JC stuff but I'm having a VOY revival this summer and find myself immersed in the characters again. I liked Endgame but for the dismal pairing of C7, which kind of ruined the whole thing for me. So, eternal gratitude to Christie Golden and Kirsten Beyer for their re-launch books and saving JC. This is my version of what could have happened after they got home.
RC
"And I know I make you cry,
I know sometimes you wanna die,
but do you really feel a life without me?
If so be free.
If not leave him for me,
Before one of us has accidental babies
For we are in love."
(Damien Rice)
She surprised herself when walked that little farther down the corridor. Standing at his door. Barefoot. Wearing a dress and heels to the party may have fitted the part, but her feet were suffering now after hours spent moving from dignitary to crew family member and back again.
She was nervous. That surprised her too. No real idea of where this was going or what she was going to say. It was unlike her to be so unplanned. She rang the chime of his hotel door. It surprised her more when he answered. Dishevelled and sleepy, in loose pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt.
"Hi," she said brightly.
If he was surprised to see her then he didn't show it.
"Evening," he said with a hint of amusement, "or early morning."
"Were you asleep?"
"I was on the couch, enjoying the view."
"Starfleet have pulled out all the stops."
He nodded.
"We didn't get a chance to talk, things happened so quickly. Things were so overwhelming down there, I hardly saw you."
He stepped back from the door, granting her access to the room. It was dark. The only light coming from the window, the couch was positioned in front of it.
"Coffee?" He asked.
"What are you having?"
"Water, I ate too much at the celebration."
"As did I, and drank too much too, water is fine."
She moved to the window, dropping her shoes to the floor, "Wonderful view of the city."
"Hard to believe we're here." He handed her the water.
"Isn't it. Thank you." She took a drink. "I didn't expect to find you alone."
He turned from her, shaking his head as he moved to the couch.
"Is that why you're here, wheedling for information."
She smiled broadly, "It's been a while since you've used that word on me."
"Some things never change."
"No. Unfortunately, some things do." She fixed him with a stare. "When did you plan on telling me?"
He bristled at the implication, torn between guilt and pride, "I didn't realise I had to."
This time she was the one taken aback, "No, but perhaps our friendship would have provided you with something of an incentive."
He nodded, "Fair enough. It's not been 'going on' for long."
"Long enough." Her tone was cold. She placed her water down on the table in front of him.
"What is it exactly you object to?"
"Oh I don't know Chakotay, there are so many things that bother me about this."
"Well, at least you no longer have to worry about crew fraternisation causing issues."
"You think that's what bothers me most?"
"I wouldn't claim to know anything about you anymore Captain."
"Chakotay…" she said gently. "Come on, we know each other better than that."
"Alright, you're angry because I didn't tell you."
"No, hurt because you didn't tell me. I heard it second hand from the Admiral, that you'll be Seven's husband."
"That's a future that will never happen now. Not like that anyway."
"But it doesn't mean you won't marry her."
He shrugged, hands folded, arms resting on his legs as he looked down at the floor, avoiding her gaze.
"I thought." She stopped, afraid her voice might break. "I'm not sure it's the best thing for her, she's still learning herself, not to mention now we're back in the Alpha quadrant, so much to adapt to."
"Harsh choice of words, and excuse me but who are you to determine what's best for her, or me for that matter?"
She opened her mouth to retort but found the words stuck in her throat, her innards churning, torn between retaliation (after all fighting was what she did best) and collapsing in tears.
"The great Kathryn Janeway lost for words."
"I just meant." She folded her hands together, "I just meant…" She stopped. What was she meant to say, after so many years avoiding it?
"You can't even say it can you? Not even now, after all this time, dancing around the topic is second-nature to you." He shook his head, "When we burst through the conduit… I'd imagined it a hundred times before, getting home, seeing Earth, each and every time you used the moment as some sort of declaration. Even a held hand would have been worth something."
"What was I meant to do? Throw myself at your knees and beg you not to sleep with the beautiful ex-Borg and instead have me? You hardly made it easy."
"Damn it Kathryn," he stormed from their position on the couch, striding forward towards the wide expanse of glass overlooking the city. "You don't want me but nobody else can have me, is that it!"
"I never said that."
"It's always rules, boundaries, parameters. I can't live like that. I won't be your pet, walking a step behind all my life. This has got to be equal."
"Has it really never crossed your mind that I want that too? That I wouldn't seek something one-sided? Weren't we equal, back then, on New Earth, weren't we equal in everything we did?"
"That was too long ago. We're different people now. I'm different. You certainly are."
She nodded. "Alright, I am, and you want to hurt me I can see that, that's fine, go ahead, I probably deserve it."
He dropped back down to the couch, "I'm too tired for it. There's nothing left to give."
She wanted the fight. That was easier to handle. She could do that – fight him, perhaps even fight for him, though she wasn't quite at that point yet.
Instead she moved to sit beside him, a polite distance away. Close enough for it to matter.
"I keep thinking of the Admiral." Her voice was low, coming out of the darkness, resting on it. "She wasn't married. No children. No lover to speak of."
"Perhaps she didn't tell you."
"Perhaps there was nothing to tell." She paused, folding her hands together, her eyes fixed firmly on the rain covered view. "I don't want that to be me Chakotay. Alone. Nothing but a career to speak of. She told me not to have regrets."
He looked up at her.
"She didn't say your name, but I knew. I knew from the moment she stepped off that transporter and looked at you. The way she looked at you."
He avoided the bait. "It's all you wanted for years." His voice was clear, cutting, "to be alone."
"How is that the case, there's much more to it than that, we both know that."
"Do we? I stopped pretending to 'know' you years ago Kathryn. When you stepped back from me."
"I never –,"
"Didn't you?" He interjected. "I thought it was a conscious choice, maybe we just drifted apart, it happens to most friends."
"No," she nodded, "You're right. I chose to step back."
"You stopped listening to me."
"You stopped caring that I wasn't."
"There's only so much a man can take Kathryn."
It still makes her shiver when he says her name.
"It hurt too much. Being near you, being so close to you, it scared me. It unnerved me." She pressed on when he didn't speak. "I doubted myself, my ability to do what I had to do, sometimes, when I was with you I forgot it all, became giddy. I couldn't allow myself to feel… It would have been too messy."
"Messy?"
"Problematic. Distracting."
"So instead you turn away from me?"
"I didn't –,"
"Be honest with yourself Kathryn, you say you don't want to be the Admiral, you already are. That hard, ruthless streak that got us through so much, it took hold of the essence of you years ago, after our first encounter with the Borg, you turned from me."
"I didn't mean to."
"Didn't you? You always know what you're doing Kathryn, you pull me in…"
"Chakotay," she said imploringly but he continued, his voice hard now.
"You pull me in, use my feelings against me, get what you want, push me away again. There was a time I was so in love with you. I loved you."
The words hung there for a second, and as sometimes happens time seemed to slow, the very air stilling around them.
"Past tense," she finally said, her voice gentle.
For a while they sat side by side in silence, they'd done in many times over the years, close enough not to need to fill every gap with words.
Kathryn felt anger rising inside her, she'd been on the cusp of it for a while, and if she didn't indulge in it now she probably never would. They'd walk the same straight line of decency and friendship for the rest of their lives.
"Why Seven?"
The name seemed harsh in the moonlight.
"I mean I'm not stupid, I never expected celibacy all those years, that's why I understood the women… but they were passing, something to fulfil a need. Believe me I needed the same."
He smirked at that.
"What?"
"You wouldn't even dance with me at parties, you kissed that bastard Kashyk! Do you know how much that hurt me?"
She turned to head to regard his face for the first time since they'd sat, "It wasn't that kind of kiss."
"I know Kathryn, you used it to get what you want. It seemed so easy to you."
"It never was. I never danced with you because it was too dangerous, do you really think we could have behaved like that with each other and not gone any further? I never trusted myself."
"What the fuck do you expect me to say to that?" He shouted, the rise in his voice startling her, "This has got to stop! I can't keep doing this. You broke my fucking heart Kathryn. Over and over again. So I shut it down, so don't ask me why Seven. Because she cared enough to notice me. She saw me. She wanted to spend time with me; she wanted something from me, anything."
"And I didn't?"
"You stopped needing me years ago. You don't even see me anymore."
"No… that's not true, I see everything."
He was quiet now; she could hear the thump of his heartbeat, his hands clenched in fists on the sofa beside her.
"You hurt me too. I mean Seven, of all people, she's just a girl, just a child really, half your age, half MY age, more to the point. I can't blame any red-blooded male for… she's stunning, but really I expected more of you. Her. You didn't like her for years. You fought against me to even have her aboard."
"I make mistakes. I don't mind admitting them."
"And is it a mistake?"
"She made me feel happy again."
"As oppose to me…"
"You make me feel," he swallowed, "too much."
"You make me feel things I never even knew existed." She admitted, half-turned on the sofa now to watch his face, "You want me honest, well this is as honest as I get, it scared me because I never knew love like that existed, maybe something close with Justin but never… never so intense, so passionate, all consuming. I could never allow myself to cross certain boundaries because I didn't know where it would end. Justin's death broke me."
She forced herself to keep going because if she stopped she'd never tell him, and it needed to be said, now, once and for all before they moved on with their lives. "And I was engaged, in the beginning, God, can you imagine? The guilt, four months into the trip and all thoughts of marrying Mark slowly drifting away because there's you, and you were filling most of my thoughts. Well before New Earth."
When he didn't speak, or even move, she sagged back on the sofa, pulling her legs up to curl beneath her, her bare feet suddenly cold. She stared at her shoes dropped some time ago beneath the window.
"So, are we going to keep going back and forth over who hurt who the most – I think I'll probably win that one."
Still he didn't reply, she preferred his shouting to the silence.
"Do you think you will marry her, as the Admiral said?"
He shrugged.
She swallowed, uneasily, "Have babies with her?"
He turned slowly to look at her now, shook his head.
Her heart jumped.
"Have you slept with her?"
Again he shook his head. "It's new."
"And I'm old."
He smiled, and she returned it.
"Perhaps I'm being, well, I know I'm being egotistical and presumptuous, but the thought of you being with her… with anyone really… I thought we had a deal."
"A deal?"
"I always thought that we'd made it clear to each other that once we got home we were free to pursue… this," she waved her hand between them, "us."
"I didn't know we were going to get home."
"So, the Admiral has bad timing."
"She is you."
"Thanks."
"I don't know what you're asking me," he sat up straighter, leaning forward to grasp his water and take a long drink. "Did we make a promise to each other? You never said the words."
"I thought you knew."
"Maybe for a while, after New Earth. It seemed to die after that."
"After Riley you mean."
He looked at her sharply, "Surely that didn't mean…?"
"I don't know, what did it mean? It stung at the time."
He sighed, "We're playing the game again, who hurt who the most?"
"Sorry. I shouldn't have brought her up. It was a long time ago."
"I'm sorry, for Seven, I should have spoken to you about it."
"Apparently I have no claims upon you."
"We both know you always will."
They turned to face the view again, the rain seeming to fall in shades of blue as it hit the lights in the grounds.
"It's heavy."
"The earth will be fresh in the morning though."
She was sitting closer to him, close enough to feel the warmth of his body, it was a position they'd sat in before and it always comforted her. How simply they came together.
"Do you think they had this conversation?"
"Who?"
"Our counterparts, Admiral Janeway and 'her' Chakotay."
"No, if they had, he would never have married Seven."
As cruel as it might be to the younger woman she smiled at his remark, "Perhaps they didn't have it until they got home."
"That's a long time to suffer the indignities of unrequited love."
"It was never unrequited."
He suddenly chuckled.
"What?"
"Her Chakotay. Does that make me yours?"
"Surely that's up to you."
"Is it? Kathryn, I'm never clear what you want."
"You, of course, us. To have what we both know we can. A life together."
"I've tried to stop loving you for years." He admitted.
She swallowed, mouth suddenly dry, "And have you succeeded?"
"What do you think?" He shrugged, self-deprecating, "This kind of certainty doesn't come around often, perhaps not even in a lifetime. It's always been you Kathryn, it always will be, you're part of my soul."
She was about to speak, her eyes full of unshed tears, but he wasn't quite ready to give her the floor.
"But I'm not allowed to show it, like all this love I feel for you is something I should hide away, be ashamed of it. Like it's a weakness."
"Your ability to allow your emotions through, it's always something I've envied." Her voice was tight and deep, her face wet with tears now, but she no longer tried to stop them. They fell freely.
He reached over and rested his hand atop of hers.
"As hard as all this is," he admitted with a wry smile, "sitting here with you, finally being able to say it all, being near you is always sublime."
He wasn't looking at her now, his eyes focussed on the patterns the rain formed upon the glass. She followed his gaze, leaning in closer to him, snuffling and wiping her cheeks dry.
"This is so ridiculous, I'm forty-six years old, I always thought I'd have life sorted by now."
"How so?"
"Married. Children, perhaps. A home. Being Captain."
"One out of four." He smiled, squeezing her hand.
"That counts as failure in my book."
"Never. Kathryn Janeway never fails."
She turned her face to look at him, so close now, she could have brushed his cheek with hers. A sudden rush of tenderness for this man suffused her, whatever had gone or was still to come, she knew without a doubt that she'd loved him for a very long time and would continue to do so.
"I was so angry, when she told me, so angry. I hated you for it."
He nodded, turning to look her in the eye, she noted his were damp with tears too. "And I'm sorry for that. I would never deliberately try to hurt you Kathryn. It just got too hard I guess, I couldn't… It got too hard."
"And that's my fault and I am sorry for it. I'm sorry for so much Chakotay."
"I know. There's nothing to be done now. I'm tired Kathryn," he said again, it was late, gone three in the morning.
"I don't want to go." She admitted.
He didn't reply, but settled back on the couch, his legs coming to rest on the coffee table as he drew her head to his shoulder. She could feel the pulse in his neck, the scent of his skin, the warm clamminess that came with bodies being pressed together. It made her happy.
She watched the rain until she slept.
She awoke quickly, the room suddenly filling with a sharp blink of lightning, and then the roll of thunder. It took a few seconds for her to recall where she was, her face pressed into the thick material of the couch, she was on her side, facing the back of it, and Chakotay was behind her, holding her. They barely fit side by side. She daren't move.
She thought of the last time they'd been so close during a storm. How long it had been since she heard one, seen one, she suddenly wanted to be out in the rain, with nature colliding around her.
She must have breathed too deeply, or moved slightly, or perhaps he could read her mind now, but suddenly he was awake too. She was aware of a sharp breath, the air exhaled just by her ear. His arm suddenly felt heavy on her waist; though both were fully dressed it was the most erotic situation she could recall being in in many years.
She closed her eyes again, focussed on the sounds of the storm, remembering how sharp rain felt on your bare skin. How his hands felt on her – how would they feel on her skin? Involuntarily she leant back against him and he moaned something low and incomprehensible in the back of his throat. She felt her stomach tighten at the sensation.
"This is a bad idea," he whispered by her hair.
"Yes."
"Remember the storms on New Earth?" His voice was low, clouded with sleep and emotions both had long since buried. "After every warm spell, regular."
"We were just getting to know the seasons."
"I would have built that log cabin you know."
"I know. And we would have been happy."
They whispered into the darkness, keenly aware of the other's body pressed against their own. It wasn't the first time he'd touched her, but it was the first time she allowed herself to imagine it going further.
"I tried to forget it." He said softly.
"I know. I painted it once."
"You never said."
"It wasn't very good, I hid it away."
"Can I see it?"
"Yes." She opened her eyes again, watching the shadows cast by the storm on the far wall. "I miss it."
He was silent. Allowing her the space and time to talk, to share.
"I miss who I was there. I keep hoping I can get her back, or at least part of her."
"I miss your hair," he suddenly said and she laughed.
"What?" Her head straining round to see him, trying to read his expression in the shadows. "You miss my hair?"
"I wish you hadn't cut it, it felt like suddenly you cut your hair and at the same time cut me out."
"Oh Chakotay…"
"I know that's a childish, ridiculous thing to say."
She placed her hand on his cheek, "I'll grow it again."
He closed his eyes, exhaling a long slow breath as he did so. "Don't do this to me Kathryn."
She removed her hand, but wiggled over so she was facing him, "I promise, I'll never shut you out again."
"It's too late, too much has happened." He shook his head, moving on to his back as far as he could in the small space and running a hand through his hair, "Shit, never thought I'd head myself say that, I always thought that if the opportunity came, if you ever gave me the sign, I'd never look back."
"What's changed?"
He stared at her, her eyes bright, "I can't hurt her like that. It isn't fair."
She nodded, blinking back tears, "Is it fair to us?"
"When has it ever been fair on us?" He attempted a smile, knowing full well that he was crying at the same time.
She leant forward, stroking her palm down his cheek to wipe away his tears. "Chakotay, I won't beg, but you and I, what we have…"
He held her hands in his, eyes closed, "I'd feel like the biggest bastard in the universe."
"I think that spot's been taken many times over." She moved her face to his, whispering by his ear, "I want to see your home, want to walk the paths you've told me about so many times. I want you to sit in my mother's kitchen eating breakfast and then hike with me. I want to make love to you under the stars in a cornfield in Indiana."
The huskiness of her voice surprised him, some of the old passion of Kathryn.
He stretched on the couch, suddenly aware of how small it was. Christ if she kept describing things like that he'd probably come without her even touching him.
"I want to dance with you. And share Christmas with you. Build a home with you."
Every possible scenario he'd imagined over the years seemed to be colliding now into this one reality. He wanted her so much his very bones ached.
He twisted his head, just enough, so that her lips were now brushing his as she whispered, "I want to spend my life with you, grow old with you, annoy you, drive you crazy with desire."
At that he kissed her, not the soft romantic first kiss he'd oft imagined, but a searing raw kiss, pushing her back against the couch, making it clear she was his, almost branding her. To her credit she returned it full force, but then Kathryn Janeway never did things half-heartedly, her tongue was in his mouth, her hands looped at the back of his head. One of her legs had forced itself between his and she had him moaning her name.
He drew back, panting, forcing his mind to rational thought, "If I kiss you I won't be able to stop." He drew out in tight frantic breaths.
"I don't want you to stop. I want you to make love to me. Finally."
"Kathryn," he kissed her again, her willingness igniting something in his heart he thought had long since died. "God Kathryn, there's nothing I want more, nobody, but we can't. I can't. Not whilst I'm still involved with Seven."
The mention of her name dampened the mood somewhat, and she withdrew her leg from between his, though his arms were still tight around her and she was half resting on his chest.
She sighed heavily, "We have fucked things up haven't we."
"More than once."
"You do realise that I'm older than I was when this whole attraction started, my breasts aren't quite as firm and upright as hers."
He laughed heartily at that and she lifted her head up to watch him, the broad, dimpled smile she knew so well.
"They look fine to me."
She raised an eyebrow, "Do they?"
"Everything about you is beautiful. I think you're beautiful."
"You are. Goodness you are, I'd never met somebody who made me go weak at the knees.
He smiled proudly at that, "I often wondered if I'd had any affect?"
"Oh yes." She smiled, resting her head on his chest, more comfortable now as they curled together.
"You know, if we do this, it's forever. No backing out when things get tough and we want to flush each other out an airlock."
"I can't ever imagine wanting to do that."
"You will, some days, I'm sure. Some days I could throttle you you're so infuriating."
She smiled wryly at that.
"Once we go through this door, no going back."
"I never imagined it any other way."
"Yeah, Janeway, all or nothing."
"Exactly. And on Voyager I couldn't give you everything, my all –,"
"…So I got nothing?" He chuckled, "Your reasoning astounds me at times."
"Are you saying I'm not the wisest woman you've ever known?"
"Oh and much more." He kissed the top of her head, inhaling the scent of her hair as if it were oxygen.
"That was our first kiss," she whispered.
"Yes, how do you feel?"
She thought on it for a while, "Peaceful."
He closed his eyes, grateful for her kindness.
"I'm sorry I resisted your love… our love, for so very long."
"I've always believed things happen exactly when they're meant to. I'd just reached a point where I thought that time would never come for us."
She folded her fingers with his, lifting his hand up to kiss it, "We have forever to make it up. Let's go away someplace, just for a while, somewhere quiet."
"Alright, we'll go tomorrow."
She smiled, "I have to file reports, attend debriefings, answer a thousand questions. As do you."
"Then I'll wait. Seems I've spent a lifetime doing that." He teased.
"Hey, I'm here, one hundred percent."
"Kathryn," He breathed, "do you have any idea how much I want you?"
She looked up at him again, "You have to be so morally decent."
"What time is it?"
"Why? You can't go and tell her now. In the middle of the night." She laughed, "Just because you want to…"
"No, I can't. It might ruin the mood."
"You think!"
He chuckled, "We'll wait. Until we're away."
"Yes, where shall we go first?"
"I've long held a fantasy of a cabin in the woods."
"Alright, we'll find one." She was holding his hand, watching how their fingers interlaced, the differences in size, their skin colour. "And after that?"
"We'll see where life takes us."
"As long as it takes us there together."
"I have a feeling you won't be a Captain for much longer."
She smiled, "Perhaps not. I think I'll rather miss it."
"You'll relish whatever challenge comes next." He yawned. "Sorry."
"It's okay, I'm tired too." She glanced to the window, the storm easing, the first signs of dawn creeping in. "I know how Juliet felt now, willing the morning away, 'Some say the lark makes sweet division; This doth not so, for she divideth us.' I don't want to sleep and miss a moment with you."
"Then I'll stay awake..."
But his breathing had evened out, he was almost asleep she could tell, there were some things she still remembered from their time on New Earth.
"Goodnight Chakotay," she whispered, resting her head on his chest, comfortable, happy. Home.