WARNING: This FF contains EXTREME OOC-ness, on everyone's part. Sorry Allen. Sorry Lavi. Sorry Link. Sorry Cross. Sorry Johny. Sorry Tapp. Sorry Miranda. Sorry - *gets smacked by a flying shoe*
... That hurts dude.
(P.S. I conveniently forgot to say sorry to Kanda, the ultimate victim :X)
Disclaimer: I don't own D. gray-man. Yea, life is cruel ):
Kanda flit his eyes open, eyes struggling to adjust to the glaring sun rays that emitted from his broken and dusty window. He shot a glare at the source of the light (as he does for anything happy, sunny, bright, cheerful, etc.) and turned over to get out of bed.
And he froze.
His face was inches away from an alien mop of black hair cuddling in his bed.
"Yuuuuuuu," came a hoarse and ghostly whisper as the strange human (the black hair belonged to the human's head) awoke from Kanda's yelling.
"LAVI! WHAT THE HELL?!" Kanda hollered, attempting to fling Mugen around in the cramped area. It managed to graze the now dark-haired Lavi on his shoulder, sending him into fits of maniacal laughter.
"YAYYYY BLOOOOODDD!" Lavi gave a sadistic laugh as he whipped out a penknife from his pocket and started drawing tic-tac-toe on his arm with it.
"What the hell?! You look like an emo freak!" Kanda blurted out, the rare times in which he lost his stotic demeanor.
"My name isn't Lavi anymore. 'Lavi' is too cheerful for my sorrowful nature. The name's 'The Chosen One'. And what's wrong with dying my hair? Matches my personality. As dark as my heart! Shunned by the world! Misunderstood by all shiny and fluffy and - (and he starts to spout emo poetry)"
Kanda gave a weird look at 'dead, because I killed it' and slammed the door in his face.
"Freak," the Japanese teenager muttered under his breath, heading for the training grounds for a morning workout. Just around the corner of the corridor, he spotted the next peculiar sight.
"NII-SAN!!!! NOOOOOOO!" came a girly protest.
"There, there, Lenalee. I need my own freedom too! Besides, what would the ladies do without me?"
And then Kanda chanced upon an impossible sight. Lenalee, for once in her life, was dressed in a LONG skirt. It was so long that it draped all around the corridor and out of the window a few stories down, covering the face of the gatekeeper (who/which was shouting 'WHO TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS?!' non-stop). And there were a group of strange fan-girls wearing 'KOMUI I LOVE YOU' T-shirts, screaming wildly and trying to glomp the supervisor. Meanwhile, Lenalee was pulling her brother's arm possessively, dragging him away from the gang of squealing girls.
"KOMUI! PLEASE MARRY ME! I LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS JOHNY DEPP!"
"KOMUI, MY DARLING! KYAAAAAA!!"
"KYAA! THE WAY YOU DRINK COFFEE IS SO SEXY!!!"
And then without warning, Lenalee activated her dark boots and started ripping out pieces of her insanely long skirt and flinging it at her 'enemies'.
Kanda's eye twitched as he changed direction, with the 'my-retinas-are-burning' look on his face. Behind him, he could hear the distant commotion as Lenalee had just flown down the tower thanks to her long skirt, which was just too heavy for her own good.
As he passed the corridor, Kanda unintentionally glanced into a room.
"Humpty dumpty sat on the wall! Humpty dumpty had a great fall! NOO! WHY DID HUMPTY DUMPTY HAVE TO DIE? I LOVED HIM, BUT IT WAS TOO LATE!" Link was screeching into a microphone inside the room, while an audience of teddy bears watched on.
Kanda 'che-ed' as he trudged on to the training room, still indifferent towards the weird happenings. Then, he passed by another peculiar sight.
"Amituofuo amituofuo…" chanted Cross Marian, seated at the entrance of the training room, in a priest robe and pink hairband.
"Move it," Kanda sighed, clearly tired of the strange happenings that plagued the Order.
"人非圣贤,孰能无过,知过能改、善莫大焉 bla bla bla (1)" ranted Cross, swirling his arms around a small pot, as he added in pictures from his playboy magazine into the fire.
"That's right, you filthy things! Burn! Burn and never pollute our minds again! Especially my innocent and squeaky-clean mind! Amituofuoooo!" Cross shouted, flinging his pink hairband inside the fire as well. Kanda stepped over the mess into the training room.
"This is a dream. This is a dream. A really realistic dream…" He muttered to himself , "Or maybe not."
In the middle of the room was none other than Miranda in a revealing maid costume and clown makeup. Apparently, her attempt to cake on her makeup was overdone. Anyway, she was doing the tango with a Tapp, who mysteriously revived.
"KANDAAAAAA~" Miranda winked at the gaping teenager, before flinging poor Tapp onto the ground. Miranda cat-walked to the entrance, eyes glued to him like a lion stalking its very freaked-out prey.
Kanda fled, passing by Johnny, who suddenly ripped off his otaku shirt, revealing a hidden Superman costume, and of course, nice abs.
"THE PAPER CLIPS OF THE WORLD ARE IN DANGER. I MUST DEFEND THEM!" He struck at pose and crashed through the ceiling.
Kanda ran into the cafeteria and slammed the door behind him, panting heavily. The silent cafeteria seemed like the best place to calm him nerves and figure out what was going on. Kanda rubbed his temples and deepened his frown as he sat down on one of the empty benches.
"What the hell, Yuu?" a cold voice growled from behind.
Before Kanda could snap at whoever-you-are for calling his first name, a threatening metallic thingy was placed at the back of his neck.
"Che! You've got the cheek to show your girly face in here!" the voice smirked. Kanda closed his eyes and sighed in frustration. Since when was Allen his die-hard fan?
"Moyashi. You realise your sword can only hurt akumas, right?" Kanda growled and shoved the sword away, pinning a shocked and evil (at least in this story) Allen to the ground.
(The stupid author would like to cut off the next 15 minutes of the happenings in this story due to the excessive amounts of cursing from the newly-improved EVIL ALLEN)
Kanda stared at Allen as he ranted on an astonishing length of curses, snarling rudely and insulting the samurai in all sorts of ...creative, verbal ways. Kanda even forgot that he was supposed to snap Allen's head off, while he sat there pinning down the younger exorcist.
After an OOC-ed lagging for around 30 seconds, Kanda snapped back to his senses.
"DIE, MOYASHI!! DIE!!!!!!!" he bellowed, as the whole world was given a strong blast of deadly aura. Many phenomenons occurred: a random turkey strutting around in New Zealand was roasted instantly (does New Zealand have turkeys anyway?), a population of mudskippers in Indonesia started flying in horror, my brother grew a brain… The list goes on.
A series of metallic slashes echoed throughout the cafeteria as a livid samurai exorcist attempted to murder Allen, who was fighting back furiously.
Ten hours later
"D-die, Moya-s-shi!" Kanda choked out in a raspy voice.
"Che! Y-you're the o-one who's going d-down!" snapped an equally exhausted Allen.
They had managed to destroy the entire cafeteria and its contents, apart from a bunch of terrified finders who were squished into their emergency shelter (a dustbin) and peeked at the fighting. Just then, sparkly thingies shot out from the ground and poof! The Earl of Millennium appeared in front of the both of them. Along came Lero, who had turned into a gigantic box of tissue paper.
Kanda's eyes widened. Before he started screaming at the Earl, Lero stuck at huge wad of tissue in his mouth and tied him up with some invincible tissue ropes (hey, don't laugh. Tissue ropes are serious business, ok?)
"MMPHHHH!!" He protested weakly, noticing that Allen was suffering the same treatment.
"To all those who have gathered here for this grand and holy ceremony, I am honoured to grace the beginning of a blissful marriage between this match made in hell- er, I mean heaven…" the Earl chanted on, as multiple church benches appeared in front of them with random people seated on it.
"YUU-KUN!! I'M SO TOUCHED! YOU'RE FINALLY GETTING MARRIED!" General Tiedoll, dressed in a night gown, was sobbing uncontrollably, radiating parental joy.
"ALLEN, MY SON! I am so happy for you!" a random woman stood up and waved her arms around frantically.
"MMPH?!" which translated as 'who on earth is that woman' in tissue-stuffed talk.
"And now, Kanda Yuu, do you take Allen Walker as your beloved wife/husband?" the Earl chimed, extending a chubby hand towards the fuming Kanda. Without warning, the Earl reached forward and forced his head into a nod.
Ignoring the furious muffled protests, he proceeded to repeat the same process for Allen, who tried to struggle out of it without much success.
"I now pronounce you husband and erm… husband! You may kiss each other! Yay!" and the Earl started drooling with glee. Who would have guessed he was a yaoi fan too?
Kanda felt himself being pulled towards Allen by some invisible force. To his horror, he watched as Allen was forced to his direction as well.
"NO, GET HIM AWAY PLEASE NO!" He mentally screamed as Allen's equally mortified face neared him.
The end of his life was near. Good bye, Mugen. Good bye, you lotus secret thingy that all the -man fans would never find out about. Good bye, soba.
2 inches apart,
1 inch apart.
KYUUUUUUUU~
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"ARGGGGGGEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Kanda screamed, despite the fact that he sounded like an imitation of Lenalee. He bolted upright, sweat trickling down his forehead and his dark hair sticking everywhere. (Like the time Lavi put glue in his shampoo!) The insistent rays of light from his window hit him, causing him to wince.
Hey, what? Kanda stared at his surroundings disbelievingly, studying his plain room, fixating on the hour glass on his tableside, and the blankets pooled around his waist.
"It was a dream after all?" his eyes darkened considerably, however internally sighing in relief.
Something BESIDE him moved.
And he froze.
His face was inches away from an alien mop of black hair cuddling in his bed.
"Yuuuuuuu," came a hoarse and ghostly whisper.
OWARI! ;D
A/N: (1) Cross is chanting Chinese idioms!
Special thks to my bro for his double-checking and thinking of the title ;D
And thank YOU for reading ;D first ff, hope it isnt too bad ;A; if there's anything i can improve on please tell me yea?
Please review teehee