Syeds Seven Deadly Sins- Before The Dye Was Cast
Syed lay beside Christian on the cold hardwood floor with just a pair of shorts on. He stared at the ceiling, his heart and head pounding. Christian turned his head and looked at Syed. There was about half a metre between them, not one part of them was touching. Slowly Syed's head lolled to the side so that they were looking each other deep in the eye, both searching for answers.
"That felt…wrong." Christian murmured, fear shining in his blue oceans.
Syed nodded and bit his lip, trying to swallow his tears.
"But why?" he whispered.
Christian sighed and shook his head slowly. He sat up and ran his hands through his damp hair. It had been intense, there had been passion and there was most definitely love but Christian felt detached during the whole act. As though he was watching it from above, over-analysing, deliberately finding faults. Syed just felt hollow. He felt as though he had literally given Christian everything and now he was left with nothing.
"Syed…do you think we have a future?" Christian asked anxiously.
Syed inhaled deeply and sought for an answer in the eyes opposite him. He loved Christian but he had learned long ago from his parents that sometimes love just wasn't enough.
"Yes. But I feel as if we don't know each other anymore. I feel like there are secrets between us. I can feel it on your skin; bumps and scars that I don't recognize. And I can taste it on your lips, all those new jokes and stories that I've never heard before. I feel like a stranger to you. I feel like I've lost the love of my life." He revealed, his brown orbs watering.
Christian scrutinized Syed's face in amazement. This man who had left him over four months ago with an infuriating disability of not being able to express his feelings, verbally or physically, had just summed up exactly how he was feeling and left Christian in no doubt of what was going on in his head.
"No, we do know each other…we've just forgotten certain things and need to learn others. I agree that sleeping together may not have been our brightest idea but you most definitely have not lost me. I promise you that." He said firmly.
Syed smiled and grabbed a blanket from the sofa, scooting closer to Christian so that they could hold each other and warm up.
"I really love you." He said tenderly.
Christian nodded.
"Of course you do. But we have to tell Mas and Z that you're back. We need to show them that we're together and that we love each other and that they will have to accept that." He decided.
Syed froze and pulled out of Christians embrace, fear paralysing him.
"NO!" he yelled, his lips starting to tremble.
Christian rolled his eyes at Syed's dramatics.
"Sy, they deserve to know and I want to show them that we won!" he said happily.
Syed rolled away from Christian and closed his eyes. He couldn't do it. He wasn't physically able, not since the last and final time they had spoken. That morning haunted him every day…
Morning of July 2nd 2010
"Mum please, I can't do it anymore!" Syed cried, clinging to his mother desperately.
Zainab shoved Syed away angrily and looked her son in the eye, rage flooding through her veins.
"Syed, I don't care what you can and can't do! My family will no longer feel this way. I wont bow my head in shame anymore! Not for you, not for anyone!" she spat, throwing Syed's shirts out of the wardrobe that Masood had recently bought for him.
Syed scrambled around the floor, picking up his shirts and trying to hang them up once again. He grabbed Zainab by the wrist and looked at his mother pleadingly.
"Please Mum, just accept me then! We don't have to be ashamed about anything! We can move away, we've done it before!" he begged.
Zainab shook her son away and looked at him in great disgust. She felt irrational. She didn't want to understand that he was gay, why couldn't he see that? She just didn't want a gay son, which she found perfectly reasonable.
"I will not run for anyone. I have a business here and friends. I am sorry Syed but if anyone is leaving here it is you!" she choked, her eyes filling.
She may be irrational but she was not heartless. This was her Papooh after all. Her first born. She loved him so much but she just couldn't play along with his desire to be homosexual. She couldn't do it to herself or her God.
Syed whimpered and collapsed to the ground, tears pouring down his sallow cheeks. He didn't want this: he needed his family. He groaned and looked up at his mother, his eyes sparkling with tears.
"I did it for you. I married her. I tried. Mum, can you please just try for me?" he whispered.
Zainab froze for a moment, hearing the truth in his words. She looked down at Syed, curled up against the wardrobe, his cheeks wet and his eyes bloodshot, except she was not looking at her 26 year old son, instead she saw her six year old baby, crying because he could not play with the other boys on the street. She closed her eyes and tried to steady herself. He was a master at this, begging. It was his one skill. She shook her head firmly and set her mouth in a thin line.
"No Syed. I have tried enough for you. Now get out of my house!" she demanded.
Syed started to wail loudly and clutched at his mothers legs.
"Mum, no. Please. I'll call Amira and tell her I love her! I'll marry someone else! I'll give you grandchildren, I swear it I will!" he sobbed, his tears saturating the material of Zainab's trousers.
Zainab felt her heart stop. How funny, her son was willing to do all this and yet she was not willing to give him one more chance. She looked down at Syed once again and felt herself begin to melt.
"Syed, I-" she started to apologize but Masood appeared at the door and cut across her.
"Get up Syed." He said quietly.
Syed immediately let go of his mother and climbed to his feet hurriedly. He wiped his tears away and tried to avoid his father's glare.
"Your mother and I have decided that you should leave. We asked you to stay away from Christian and whom do you think I saw you think with last night at the Vic? Flirting and laughing, you make me sick!" he roared.
Syed flinched and opened his mouth to argue.
"I was just ordering drinks, I was out with Allen-" he croaked but Masood silenced him.
"Syed, you're a liar and so is Allen. He can't help you; it's a cock and bull story, as well you know it. You are what you are and I accept that, but I will not tolerate the way you CONSTANTLY GO BEHIND ME AND YOUR MOTHERS BACK!" he yelled, his eyes wild with anger.
Syed swallowed his back answer and nodded.
"I understand. I'll leave." He said softly, admitting defeat.
Masood sighed and looked as though he was about to say something else before storming out of the room, leaving Syed and Zainab alone. Zainab sighed and touched Syed's arm gently for a moment.
"Please, for me, go anywhere but Christians." She pleaded.
Syed nodded, willing to do anything to prove his love for his mother.
"I promise." And he meant it.
Present
Syed sat at the round table, watching as Christian prepared a breakfast for them.
"Sleep well last night?" Christian asked, stirring whatever was in the huge, bubbling pot.
Syed shrugged and gave him a small smile.
"Not really." He admitted.
Christian laughed.
"I know… You kept me up all night with your whimpering and kicking. What the Hell were you dreaming about?" he asked curiously.
Syed didn't answer him, just sniffed at the air suspiciously.
"What are we having for breakfast?" he asked.
Christian winked at him and shook his head.
"It's a surprise!" he said mysteriously.
Syed laughed and stood up from the table, walking towards the pot. Christian quickly popped the lid on and pushed Syed away, wrapping his muscular arm around his toned waist.
"Please Sy…I know what your favourite breakfast is!" he pleaded, obviously desperate to surprise him.
Syed raised an eyebrow.
"There's no way you made that porridge with the boiled fruit and almonds?" he asked, a hint of panic in his voice.
Christian picked up on this and nodded slowly, his smile fading.
"I did. Why?" he demanded.
Syed tried to swallow his irrational hysteria but he couldn't. He pushed Christian away and started to walk out of the room.
"God… I just… Thank you but…" he started to gabble before running to the bedroom.
Syed slammed the door behind him and leaned against it, his chest heaving. The smell, the taste…it all brought back the memories of the day he abandoned his only child…
September 12th 2011
Amira placed the porridge with fruit and nuts in front of him and smiled.
"I know it's your favourite so eat up!" she said happily.
Syed smiled back at her and picked up his spoon and began to shovel his meal down. For the first time, in a long time, Syed was absolutely ravenous. Amira sighed and sat down beside him, her silk robe opening slightly, revealing a lacy black bra. Syed couldn't help but stare at her breasts. He tried to remember what they had felt like, what Amira had felt like. Their loving had always been soft and gentle, not the kind of passion and intensity that he had experienced with Christian. He shook his head and looked away. God, it had been so long since he had been with anyone.
Amira stretched and yawned loudly, her robe opening even more. Syed felt an unexplainable urge to grab her and kiss her all over. He stopped eating his half finished porridge. He felt strange. He had left this woman, why on earth would he want to have sex with her now?
Amira realized that Syed was staring at her open robe and blushed.
"Oh Gosh, sorry!" she said, embarrassed.
Syed shook his head and smiled at her warmly.
"It's alright… Nothing I haven't seen before." He chuckled awkwardly.
Amira wrapped her robe around her and stood up, a slight blush spread across her cheeks.
"I'll go change," she said, almost apologetically.
Syed was about to nod but then shook his head quickly.
"Don't. You look beautiful." He said so quietly that Amira almost didn't hear him.
For a long moment the two of them stayed deadly still and watched each other. Syed didn't break the eye contact. He seriously wanted this. He wanted to hold her and he yearned for her to hold him. He wanted to submit to her and let her lead the way. Amira slowly stepped closer, opening her robe even more so that Syed could see her smooth, tanned stomach. He never once took his eyes off of her as she dropped the robe and unhooked her bra, climbing onto his lap and straddling him. Syed wrapped his arms around her round hips and kissed her gently. Her lips were full and feminine. The kiss was tender and loving. Syed jumped slightly when Amira bit down on his lip. He opened his eyes and looked at her curiously. This was unlike her, she was usually so tender, but Syed didn't complain. He tightened his grip around her hips and crashed his lips against hers. Amira responded angrily and started yanking at the ends of Syed's hair in a teasing manner. Syed felt his arousal grow as Amira started to grind slowly on his lap. Amira pulled off her underwear and Syed followed suit. Soon the two of them were naked and wrestling each other, each one fighting fiercely for dominance. Syed threw Amira on to the table like a rag doll, knocking porridge everywhere. Amira looked up at him, her chest heaving, her eyes glittering with excitement. Syed wondered how many times had he looked up at Christian with the exact same expression. He shook the thought away and entered Amira forcefully and soon the two of them were crying out in pleasure, as the air grew heavy with passion. Syed closed his eyes and imagined that it were Christian beneath him, his huge, muscular body writhing with ecstasy. This image forced Syed over the edge and it wasn't long before he climaxed, calling out Christian's name as he did so. Syed and Amira froze, both of them breathing heavily. Syed pushed himself off Amira and grabbed his underwear, pulling them on quickly, a blush snaking its way all over his body. Amira snapped up her robe and wrapped it around her shaking body, tears threatening to fall from her beautiful eyes. Syed opened his mouth to explain but Amira shook her head.
"Just go. Please." She choked, her lips trembling as she fought with her emotions.
Syed shook his head and stepped closer.
"Amira, I-" he began to say in a shaky voice, but once again Amira silenced him.
"NO! JUST GET OUT! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" she shrieked, tears flowing down her cheeks freely at this stage.
Syed didn't say another word as Amira ran off to tend to the bawling Anwar. He headed to his room and started to pack his bag, vowing to himself that he would never hurt this woman and his child again, considering the amount of pain that he had caused them already.
Present
Christian and Syed sat on the sofa, looking at each other, drinking each other's beauty in. Christian cleared his throat and inhaled deeply.
"So. You slept with her?" he asked softly.
Syed nodded, his heart rate accelerating as he did so. The truth made him sick, he was all for little white lies that spared a persons feelings. They made much more sense than inflicting pain on the person you love.
Christian closed his eyes and tried to ignore the annoying voice in his head that was singing over and over 'I told you so…'
He knew by the way that Syed had made love to him that he had been with someone else. How that was he couldn't really say, all he knew was that it had been different because Syed was doing things differently. He was more dominant but also a lot more tender, as if Christian couldn't take it.
Syed sighed loudly and looked at Christian anxiously.
"I don't know why I did it." He announced, his eyes full of guilt.
Christian nodded and stayed silent, not trusting himself to speak. Syed groaned and moved closer to him.
"Look, I know that I've been awful to you and that you probably hate me sometimes and wish that I could just commit to you or whatever and-" he started to ramble but Christian silenced him with a look.
"I just can't understand how you could run away from me and stay with your ex wife and the child that I never knew about without telling me! You're supposed to want to tell me these things. Why don't you ever want to tell me the truth? Why is our life together so far one big lie?" he demanded angrily.
Syed shifted in his seat, obviously uncomfortable.
"It's not a deliberate lie…" he whispered.
Christian rolled his eyes and glared at him.
"Oh I'm sorry, you just withhold important information!" he snapped sarcastically.
Syed just watched Christian for a while before he plucked up the courage to speak again.
"Christian, it was one small, tiny mistake that lasted about fifteen minutes tops." He said quietly.
Christian and Syed sat in silence for a long time, both of them lost in deep thought.
Finally Christian spoke.
"Sheesh… only fifteen minutes? It wasn't worth her taking off her robe…" he teased lightly.
Syed blush slightly and chuckled gently.
"Those fifteen minutes were intense!" he argued weakly.
Christian laughed and wrapped his arm around Syed, kissing the top of his head.
"God Sy… you just don't realize what you do to me." He groaned into the side of his neck.
Syed closed his eyes and rested his head on Christians.
"I'm sorry…" he whispered.
Christian pulled away and looked at him, his eyes radiating with a deep love.
"Don't be. You have shown me true love Sy, and I have learned things from you that I'd otherwise never get to experience. You have made me understand what devotion and unconditional love is. Thank you." He explained.
Syed, overcome with passion, crashed his lips against Christian's hungrily. They let their hands roam each other's bodies for a while before Christian turned away and smiled at him.
"And obviously I'll want to meet your son." He giggled.
Syed forced a smile but felt his insides freeze.
His son?
Oh God…
December 24th 2011
Syed sat on the edge of the sofa nervously. Christian bustled around the kitchen cooking some kind of fish dish. He gagged as the putrid odour of steamed salmon began to waft around him like a wet towel. He ran a hand through his tousled hair and forced himself to sit still, to find the restraint not to bolt for the door and disappear.
"Did she definitely say that she was coming?" Christian called from the kitchen as he pureed some potatoes for Anwar.
Syed sighed and nodded.
"For the thousandth time Christian, yes. And to answer your next ridiculous question that I have already answered a million times over, yes she does it salmon and yes Anwar is on solids now." He said exasperatedly.
He smiled smugly at Christians muttered curse words in the kitchen. He spun around and grinned at him cheekily.
"Did I answer all of them?" he asked mockingly.
It took all of Christian's restraint not to throw the knife in his hand at Syed's head.
"Yes, all except one though." He said in mock disappointment.
Syed raised an eyebrow in surprise.
"Really? All right then, fire away." He ordered.
Christian smiled at him widely, baring all his teeth in a threatening grin.
"When did you become such a pain in the bloody ass?" he hissed.
Syed laughed out loud and smirked at Christian.
"Around the same time that you decided you wanted to play happy family's with my estranged wife and already psychologically damaged son." He answered quickly.
Christian shook his head and smiled at Syed, genuinely this time.
"It's going to be fine. I promise." He said gently.
Syed shook his head.
"It better be… or else I'll have your head!"
The doorbell rang at exactly half five. Christian and Syed both froze, looking each other up and down to make sure that they looked…well, normal. Finally Christian nodded and heaved a sigh of relief.
"Lets do this." He mumbled, racing to the door.
He opened the door slowly and smiled at Amira unsurely. It took Amira a few moments to smile back but when she did it was radiant. Syed looked at her cautiously waiting for the imminent glare but it never happened. Instead she offered him a ghost of a wink and set Anwar down on the ground, letting him crawl around happily.
Christian grinned happily at Anwar and crouched down to his level.
"My God, he looks just like his father!" he exclaimed, looking up at Syed in excitement.
Syed forced a smile but could not bring himself to look down at Anwar. He had abandoned him twice and after today he would once again have to leave. Amira carefully perched herself on the end of the soda beside him. She looked absolutely ravishing, as usual. Syed smiled at her.
"Hey." He whispered.
Amira smiled and nodded at him, acknowledging everything little thing that he had meant with that small greeting. Syed was apologizing, he was seeking forgiveness for loving Christian, for marrying her, for sleeping with her, for abandoning their child that they supposedly made out of love and for not giving her the life that he had promised her.
"Hey." She said back.
She forgave him.
Syed chuckled and took her hand in his, looking her deep in the eye.
"Sometimes I wonder if maybe you did understand me after all." He breathed.
Amira shook her head, her long hair falling across her face and covering it.
"No Syed, I didn't understand you in the slightest. But I do understand how hard things were for you and I just wondered if maybe I could help you make things that little bit easier?" she offered quietly.
Syed brushed her hair out of her face and left his hand rest against her cheek.
"Yes please. That would be just perfect." He admitted.
Amira smiled even wider and rolled her eyes.
"God, just look at us babes! Getting all sentimental. Christ, my dad would just about kill me if he knew that I were here!" she giggled, wiping a tear that had fallen from her eyes.
Amira stood up and excused herself, heading to the bathroom to clean herself up.
Christian turned around with Anwar in his arms and laughed out loud with delight.
"Sy! My God Sy, look! I'm holding a baby!" he yelled excitedly.
Syed looked up and Christian and couldn't help but smile at the wide grin and wild eyes. He slid off the sofa and knelt down beside Christian, looking him deep into his beautiful blue eyes.
"Not just any baby, my baby." He whispered.
Christian's eyes softened and filled to the brim with the undeniable shine of love.
"I want one." He announced.
Syed laughed out loud and kissed Christians forehead.
"A baby is for life, not just for Christmas!" he chuckled.
Christian smiled at him and passed Anwar to him and looked at him intently.
"Look at him and tell me that you wouldn't want to raise a child together, for our entire life." He insisted.
Syed inhaled deeply the rich baby smell that Anwar had and couldn't help but feel his heart melt. He looked down at the baby that he had run away from on so many occasions. He imagined the knowing look in Anwar's eyes that told him the he knew what he was. His stomach flipped as he tried to talk himself out of it. He was about to pass Anwar to Christian when he smiled a gummy smile. His dark brown eyes crinkled up and Anwar laughed the beautiful infectious sound of a baby laughing. A smile slowly spread across his lips.
"Christian, I would love nothing more." He said truthfully.
Christian took a deep breath, rummaged around in his pocket and pulled out a small black box. He knelt up on one knee and popped the box open, revealing a simple white gold band.
"Marry me?" he asked softly.
Syed's heart stopped. He exhaled slowly and looked at Christian. Would he say yes? Should he say no? Can men even marry? So many questions. He closed his eyes and tried to think, knowing that every second would pass agonizingly slow for Christian. He sighed and opened his eyes. He jiggled Anwar on to his hip so that he could kiss Christian's waiting lips.
"Yes."