*Trigger Warning*
This story deals with infertility. If that is something that you're not comfortable reading, I would suggest not continuing any further
Hannah Abbott walked slowly down the road, after her appointment at St. Mungo's. She could have easily apparated home, but she wanted the extra time to clear her head; to make sense of what had just been told to her. The words from the healer kept playing over and over in her mind, like some sort of sadistic record that would not keep from skipping.
Ever since she had been eighteen years old, she knew what she wanted in life. She wanted a baby. More than anything, Hannah knew that one day she wanted to be a mother.
She wanted to experience the magic of being pregnant; of growing a living, breathing human being inside of her, and to feel it kick and move. She wanted people to pat her tummy and ask how far along she was. She wanted those moments of having Neville lay his head upon her stomach and talk to their unborn child. The cravings, the swollen feet, the ability to lash out and blame it on her hormones. The good, the bad and the ugly. She wanted all of it… How quickly that dream had been ripped away.
As she passed a display window of a shop, she took a glance at herself in the window. Hannah couldn't understand how it could have happened. Everything about her screamed healthy young woman, from her shiny blonde curls, her bright brown eyes, to her blemish free skin - well not entirely. There was the humiliating shadow of coarse stubble that lined her chin. It could have been easily concealed with a glamor charm, of course, but even so, it pained her horribly just knowing it was there.
Over the last few years, certain changes had happened to Hannah. Her cycle became irregular, then disappeared completely. But since she had always been somewhat irregular, she had not thought much of it at the time. Then she started to notice thick, black hairs growing on her face; primarily on her chin, and some on the slight double chin she started to acquired. Surely she knew that wasn't right. Women did not grow facial hair. Shortly after, she gained an alarming amount of weight in a short period of time. That was worrisome, considering she had not changed her eating or exercise habits one bit. And finally she noticed her physical need for Neville had severely decreased; which was something that had never been an issue before. It wasn't that she had not been attracted to her fiance, Merlin no, she had just lost all urges completely. Plus, she had become so repulsed by her own body, that she honestly was embarrassed for her partner to see her without her clothes on. She was convinced he would be disgusted at the sight of her.
She knew, something was entirely wrong.
She had a good idea of what she would be told by the healers; obviously her body was not working correctly. Neville continued to beg her to go see someone. He wanted her to make an appointment, just to make sure it was nothing serious. To make him happy, she sent an owl listing her symptoms and requesting to see a healer. She really wished she hadn't. Thinking you know what was wrong with you was one thing, but having your worst fears confirmed by a professional was entirely different.
She began twisting the white gold, diamond ring around her finger on her left hand. Would Neville still wish to marry her, she worried. Would he rather be with a woman who could provide him with a family? Never in her life could she remember a time feeling more broken. She felt less than; she felt defective.
The Leaky Cauldron became visible in the distance. She stopped for a moment and debated on turning back around and going… she didn't know where. Anywhere besides home. Neville was there, she knew, and she wasn't sure how to tell him. She barely wanted to believe it herself, let alone say it out loud. Saying it out loud would somehow make it more real; final. And she wasn't prepared to deal with that.
Her throat felt tight, but she refused to let herself cry. Not out in the middle of the street like a complete loon. She had to hold it together. But how could she when her entire world had just fallen apart?
Looking across the street, she noticed a woman who appeared to be around Hannah's age. She was walking hand-in-hand with a small red-headed girl, who couldn't have been more than three years old. The little girl kept pointing at things, and she noticed the mother's lips moving with each point of the girl's tiny hand. She assumed the child was asking questions, the way children often do at that age, when they are trying to understand the large and wonderful world around them. Hannah's heart constricted painfully at the sight. She knew that she would never have the opportunity to help shape the mind of her child. To pass onto him or her the many things she had grown to learn over the years, or more importantly, learn thousands of additional things her own child would teach her along the way.
The very thought loomed menacingly over her, like a Dementor lowering his hood to perform its kiss. Sadly, there was probably not a Patronus in the world that would have been able to make that terrible feeling disappear.
As difficult as it was, she tore her eyes away from the mother and daughter, then continued her way down the street. She knew she had to get on with it - telling Neville the news. Hannah was sure he most likely was worrying about her.
When she opened the door to her pub, it was as loud and crowded as ever. A chorus of Alright Hannah? Hi Hannah! Hannah's here! rang throughout the place. She smiled as naturally as she could and greeted her friends and patrons. She could tell that some of them wanted to have a chat, so she quickly excused herself, stating that she and Neville had plans, and she was already running late.
After bidding everyone a farewell, she began up the stairs, to her flat on the top floor. With each step she took her heart rate increased, and she knew it had nothing to do with her climb. What if he left her? A part of her wouldn't have been able to blame him. Honestly, who would want to waste their life with someone who was less than whole? Maybe she should break it off with him first, she thought. Give him a chance to be happy and live a fulfilling life.
Her hand trembled as she reached for her doorknob. Tentatively she opened the door. She took a deep breath and slowly made her way inside. She froze as her eyes rested upon Neville, who was sitting on their couch, looking up anxiously at her. She could tell by the way he sat as straight as could be, and the way he twisted his hands together, he was very nervous.
"I saw you coming," he said and gestured towards their window which faced the street.
She nodded and softly closed the door behind her.
When she looked back at Neville and into his crystal blue eyes, which were narrowed in concern, her resolve finally had broken. She wondered if this would be the last time she'd see him. If he'd tell her that he was sorry, but he just couldn't be with someone who couldn't bear his children. Tears started flowing freely down her pale cheeks. She didn't attempt to stop them, and didn't bother wiping them away. She just let herself cry.
Immediately Neville was out of his seat and had his arms around her, squeezing her tightly.
"What happened, Hannah? What did they say?"
Hannah couldn't speak; instead she openly sobbed. Neville led her to the couch and they both sat down; he hadn't taken his arms from her body. He just rocked her back and forth and let her get it all out.
As she sat crying, her appointment played before her eyes. The healer running his wand over her body and stopping suddenly once he reached below her navel. Right then was when she knew her worst fears would be confirmed. She saw the sympathy grow in the young healer's brown eyes.
"Miss Abbott. I'm so sorry, but I'm afraid that there are some reproductive issues, which I'm sure you've been mildly aware of." Hannah nodded. "Yes," she whispered. "I'm afraid to tell you that the possibility of you ever having a child is very low. Perhaps even impossible," he continued. Hannah couldn't remember much more that he said. Her mind seemed to have shut down and blocked out the rest of his words. She briefly recalled being told things like, "infertility potions," and "even so, it may possibly not work." Every part of her wanted to scream, shout and blast everything in that office, but she remained sitting quite still, responding with, "yes," or, "I understand."
Finally Hannah somewhat pulled herself together and scooted away from Neville. Her eyes were red and swollen, and her head pounded. Neville's lips pulled down in a frown as he looked at her.
"Bad news, I take it?" he asked while pushing away a strand of her hair from her face.
Hannah nodded once more.
Neville smiled, though it hadn't quite reached his eyes, then took her hands in his. "Whatever it is, love, we'll deal with it. I'm here for you no matter what. You know that, don't you?" he said with such sincerity, Hannah's eyes watered once more.
Looking down at her hands, she swallowed loudly. "I'm not going to be able to have children, Neville."
She braced herself for his response. She was sure this would be the point that he would tell her he loved her, but she couldn't give him what he needed. As much as it would kill her - absolutely destroy her - she wouldn't put up a fight. She'd let him go. He deserved better.
He was silent for a moment and Hannah carefully lifted her eyes to meet his. Pain flashed through them briefly, then the pity she did not want to see quickly replaced the anguish. He reached for her and cradled her in his arms.
"Oh Hannah. I'm so sorry," he whispered into her hair.
"Is this a deal breaker?" she asked, her voice trembled. "Do you still want to be with me - marry me even though I'm… I'm… broken?"
She chanced looking up at Neville and was shocked by the expression on his face. He was angry.
"Hannah Abbott."
She winced.
"You can't possibly be silly enough to think I'dleave you because of this?"
Hannah shrugged. She didn't feel she was silly for thinking he would. It was a legitimate concern. But seeing his anger, and hearing the tone of indignation in his voice made her feel much better than anything else had that day.
"It crossed my mind," she admitted in a small voice. "I wasn't sure if you'd prefer to be with someone who wasn't… Oh I don't know!" She threw her arms up and stood. "I just feel like less of a woman. I feel broken, defective, completely less than!" She shouted.
Her chest heaved with rage and sadness as she collapsed to the floor. She hugged her knees to her chest and began to cry once more.
"It's not fair, Neville," she whimpered. "It's so unfair."
She couldn't help but to think of all the people who have children, then treat them horribly, neglect and abuse them, and wonder why they are allowed to have children, but someone like her was not. What kind of world was it where women who would treat their child like the miracle he or she would be was not able to bear one, yet people who never wanted a child could easily pop out twenty?
Hannah gripped at her hair with both hands; her shoulders sank in defeat.
"Why? Why me?" she whispered through her tears.
She heard Neville stand up and felt the warmth from his body as he sat down next to her. He placed his hand on her thigh and inhaled deeply.
"I can't answer that, honey. But… You know what they say. Everything hap-"
Hannah's head whipped up and a surge of anger ripped through her body.
"If you say, everything happens for a reason, I swear on Merlin's wand I will hex you into next week," she snarled.
That was the last thing she wanted or needed to hear. From anyone. What possible reason could justify taking this away from her? There were none she could think of. Besides fate being unnecessarily cruel.
Neville looked truly fightened, for Hannah was sure she looked quite manic in that moment. He took her hand and squeezed.
"Ok, I won't say it. But… we'll be alright, Hannah. I promise, everything will be alright," he promised with a small smile.
There was so much love and compassion in his expression and on each word he spoke that Hannah managed a smile back. She didn't believe him at the moment, right now everything felt as if it had shattered and fallen away, but maybe one day she would be alright.
"As long as I have you by my side, and you don't want to leave me because of this, maybe I will be ok," she told him.
He leaned over and kissed both of her tear stained cheeks, before softly landing on her lips. The feel of his lips against hers slowly caused all of her anxiety to melt.
When he pulled away, he placed both hands on the sides of her face.
"I'm not going anywhere, Hannah. I'm afraid you're stuck with me," he joked.
Hannah managed a chuckle. "You poor thing."
After a few moments of sitting on the floor holding one another, they both stood up. Neville pulled her in close and hugged her as he never had before.
"And Hannah?"
"Hmm?"
"Don't let me ever hear you refer to yourself as less than again. You're everything. Don't forget that," he told her then kissed her forehead.
Tears rolled down Hannah's cheeks as she stood in the arms of a man who truly loved her. Yes, she felt terribly awful about never making a child with that man, but she felt incredibly lucky that she had him. It was their first true test as a couple, and she knew that since they made it through this, they could make it through anything. And that was nothing short of amazing.
***
A/N - I wrote this story because, it's something that I'm dealing with personally. I've been struggling with the whole infertility issue and just needed a way to release the emotions I've been bottling inside for the last month and a half. This story was written more for me than anything else. And also for other women who are struggling as well. I just wanted others to know that you're not alone.